Relationship with BPD ex gf finally over

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You all may have seen my threads in the Staying board, I did all I could to win my BPD ex gf back, some of it worked, but overall it backfired and just ended up with me being in a lot more pain.

Summary of the Story:

Dated for 4 years, the relationship felt very stable for the large majority of it, although her emotions were never stable. I had no trouble being there for her and after 8 months of a long distance relationship, we moved in together. Things were pretty great for 3 years until a series of events (her losing my trust over a minor event, not being there to help me move, never making any of it up to me etc.) led to us being at each other's throats and her taking everything I said in the meanest way possible. We were rarely intimate, maybe once a month if that.

I tried to reason with her, point out what was wrong, but I eventually distanced myself as she was being mean and I couldn't put up with it anymore, which made her distance herself further etc. and eventually she broke up with me. We stayed living together for the next 2 months.

Soon after the break-up, my father passed away after a battle with cancer. Instead of being there for me, I found out she had instantly moved on to her older married co-worker who has 2 kids. I was suspicious of it, she lied about it and then I found out it was true. I couldn't handle the stress and told her she needed to move out, I had no chance of moving on with her there, I still really loved her. She finally moved out and I offered to pay her half of the rent because she could't afford that plus a new place.

After that, I felt really alone and like my amazing gf that I spent all day everyday thinking about left me in the cold and now hated me. She still let our dog out everyday and I felt dependent on her because of it, it drove me insane. She communicated with me very briefly and very inconsistently.

I kept pushing to get my keys back and full custody of the dog. As soon as that was about to happen, I told her one last time how much I cared and she was receptive. The next day she sort of broke things off with the other guy while looping me into the madness so we could go on a dinner date, but that all fell apart and he went insane trying to do everything he could to prevent that. She said "this is why we can't be together" and we never had the date. I was devastated and went NC.

After 11 days NC, she was back. Telling me she wasn't sure about the other guy and still cared about me and wanted us to work. We proceeded to hang out every day for 3 weeks, she talked to him some of the time during that, lied about it and it drove me crazy. We were going on fun mini-dates daily, she was talking about a future with us, kids etc. telling me how glad she was to be hanging out again and away from the other guy. Anytime we were close to being a couple again, she'd back away saying she was "confused". After a very romantic date (although I did not call it a date and it ended up being way more romantic than I thought), she lost it and said she needed space to figure things out.

I need space ended up just meaning she was going back to the other guy. During the good few weeks, she had invited me to a baseball game with her co-workers, after giving her space for a couple days, she invited me to go. It was super fun, but she was all of a sudden sneaking off texting and calling and I knew she was back with that guy again. I called her out on it, it erupted into a multi-hour drunken argument and now we're done I guess.

We talked the next day for a while, saying the relationship was great while it lasted. I told her how disrespected I felt having her hang out with my every day, sleep over, hold my hand, but NEVER kiss me only to have her go right back after asking for space and lying about the reason why. We said we could be friends in the future sometime, but I'm having trouble not contacting her still, even after all the betrayal and pain. She said she can't control her feelings, wanted to love and be with me, but is in love with this other guy.

How I feel

-Sad. The initial break-up ended after a period of constant butting heads and I felt like she hated me. Now we're ending after 3 super fun weeks and being immersed in each other's lives. I just don't get it. I want that back, it was amazing, it was on the right track, had she put in any effort to regain my trust or waited longer, I think it could have worked. Now she's back with him and we may have no future together.

-Relieved. I'm still talking to her a bit, but it's finally just me being myself, rather than me being incredibly scared of losing her and letting fear overcome me. When I read what I wrote above, she hurt me so badly and at a terrible time, all while I was super nice to her and did all I could to show her how much I cared.

-Scared. I couldn't fathom losing her on top of my dad and my mom & I don't have a great relationship so I let my emotions overcome my logic time and time again. I know I need to move forward, but I still find myself wanting her and being scared that I'll never find someone as fun, good looking and that makes me feel so great about myself (in between all the pain she caused me, that is). I'm addicted to this woman.

[ravfour4]

You all may have seen my threads in the Staying board, I did all I could to win my BPD ex gf back, some of it worked, but overall it backfired and just ended up with me being in a lot more pain.

Summary of the Story:

Dated for 4 years, the relationship felt very stable for the large majority of it, although her emotions were never stable. I had no trouble being there for her and after 8 months of a long distance relationship, we moved in together. Things were pretty great for 3 years until a series of events (her losing my trust over a minor event, not being there to help me move, never making any of it up to me etc.) led to us being at each other's throats and her taking everything I said in the meanest way possible. We were rarely intimate, maybe once a month if that.

I tried to reason with her, point out what was wrong, but I eventually distanced myself as she was being mean and I couldn't put up with it anymore, which made her distance herself further etc. and eventually she broke up with me. We stayed living together for the next 2 months.

Soon after the break-up, my father passed away after a battle with cancer. Instead of being there for me, I found out she had instantly moved on to her older married co-worker who has 2 kids. I was suspicious of it, she lied about it and then I found out it was true. I couldn't handle the stress and told her she needed to move out, I had no chance of moving on with her there, I still really loved her. She finally moved out and I offered to pay her half of the rent because she could't afford that plus a new place.

After that, I felt really alone and like my amazing gf that I spent all day everyday thinking about left me in the cold and now hated me. She still let our dog out everyday and I felt dependent on her because of it, it drove me insane. She communicated with me very briefly and very inconsistently.

I kept pushing to get my keys back and full custody of the dog. As soon as that was about to happen, I told her one last time how much I cared and she was receptive. The next day she sort of broke things off with the other guy while looping me into the madness so we could go on a dinner date, but that all fell apart and he went insane trying to do everything he could to prevent that. She said "this is why we can't be together" and we never had the date. I was devastated and went NC.

After 11 days NC, she was back. Telling me she wasn't sure about the other guy and still cared about me and wanted us to work. We proceeded to hang out every day for 3 weeks, she talked to him some of the time during that, lied about it and it drove me crazy. We were going on fun mini-dates daily, she was talking about a future with us, kids etc. telling me how glad she was to be hanging out again and away from the other guy. Anytime we were close to being a couple again, she'd back away saying she was "confused". After a very romantic date (although I did not call it a date and it ended up being way more romantic than I thought), she lost it and said she needed space to figure things out.

I need space ended up just meaning she was going back to the other guy. During the good few weeks, she had invited me to a baseball game with her co-workers, after giving her space for a couple days, she invited me to go. It was super fun, but she was all of a sudden sneaking off texting and calling and I knew she was back with that guy again. I called her out on it, it erupted into a multi-hour drunken argument and now we're done I guess.

We talked the next day for a while, saying the relationship was great while it lasted. I told her how disrespected I felt having her hang out with my every day, sleep over, hold my hand, but NEVER kiss me only to have her go right back after asking for space and lying about the reason why. We said we could be friends in the future sometime, but I'm having trouble not contacting her still, even after all the betrayal and pain. She said she can't control her feelings, wanted to love and be with me, but is in love with this other guy.

How I feel

-Sad. The initial break-up ended after a period of constant butting heads and I felt like she hated me. Now we're ending after 3 super fun weeks and being immersed in each other's lives. I just don't get it. I want that back, it was amazing, it was on the right track, had she put in any effort to regain my trust or waited longer, I think it could have worked. Now she's back with him and we may have no future together.

-Relieved. I'm still talking to her a bit, but it's finally just me being myself, rather than me being incredibly scared of losing her and letting fear overcome me. When I read what I wrote above, she hurt me so badly and at a terrible time, all while I was super nice to her and did all I could to show her how much I cared.

-Scared. I couldn't fathom losing her on top of my dad and my mom & I don't have a great relationship so I let my emotions overcome my logic time and time again. I know I need to move forward, but I still find myself wanting her and being scared that I'll never find someone as fun, good looking and that makes me feel so great about myself (in between all the pain she caused me, that is). I'm addicted to this woman.

[ravfour4]

Throughout all of this I went from feeling like I was on top of the world for years, that I understood others, that I was amazing at my job and I kept getting promoted, that I was an overall great person. I felt unstoppable and so sure of who I was as a person.

In fact, just a few weeks before the break-up and my dad passing away, I was telling my family how privileged I was to really know who I was as a person at such a young age and how grateful I was for that feeling.

Now I feel like I have no idea who I am and feel like I have minimal to no strengths, despite logically knowing that I do and my ex reminding me of all of them these past few weeks (before leaving me for that dude again... .). I'm not sure if this is just a remnant of the hurt I'm feeling from the break-up and that I'll feel that same way again after a period of NC OR if she filled a huge void in me temporarily that I never truly filled on my own. I remember feeling similar before I met her, then I went off on a 4 year amazing journey and felt like super man, now I've hopped off and am right back where I started.

She and my dad were the rocks in my life. My mom loves me, but has trouble showing it and we think completely differently, she doesn't know how to comfort me and has made this situation worse for me on various occasions. Instead of being kind, she's as mean as possible and belittles me for being sad, it sucks. I used to have a solid group of friends, but most dissipated as I focused the large majority of my time on my now ex-gf.

[ravfour4]

Ended up seeing her Sunday to get an important video I needed from her, it was awkward after the big drunken argument where I let all my true feelings be heard (all the things I bit my tongue on before because I was SO scared of her leaving forever) and after our 40 min call on Saturday after the argument, there wasn't much else to say.

It ended with me telling her I still liked her (why? I don't know - she's lied to me nonstop lately, I shouldn't like her), that I'd be there for her if she needed anything (to be the "bigger" person and I guess to keep the door "open" and told her that maybe we can be friends later on. She smiled and was even a bit bashful (could have just been deceiving me), wished me luck at a doctor's appointment I had yesterday (an appointment she wanted me to schedule for a while that I had scheduled right after we reconnected), told me to have fun at a concert I was going to and left.

Yesterday, I let her know how the appointment went - she responded quickly, but briefly. I told her if she was bored she should come to the concert and that I didn't expect to go from seeing her everyday to not at all - a part of me wanted her to ignore it so I could move forward easier, if NC was forced on me, but of course she responded just saying she had a sports event. I then told her "being at work was weird - I used to look at my phone and be so excited seeing a missed call from you. I'll shut up now <insert funny emoticons here>. Again, I kind of hoped she'd ignore it and that NC would be forced on me, but she instead said some stuff followed by "and shaad it" - a cute way we used to say shut up.

Today, I texted her saying the concert was great - she missed a good one and included a funny video, one that I had referenced and she was cracking up about when we were having a great time on Friday, before I found out she was back with that guy. No response! I'm actually really happy, I feel like I can't help myself from putting my hand in the fire if she lets me, but if she moves the fire out of reach, I won't be able to anymore.

Maybe she'll be back after things with this other guy go sour - I don't see how they wouldn't after the ridiculous start and multiple times she's come back to me to some extent, but I really hope I've made solid progress by then and have moved forward.

[UserName69]

Sorry to hear that but believe me you're better off without her. I know this is going to sound very harsh but there is absolutely nothing positive in a rs with a pwBPD, in the beginning it looks like everything is so perfect but all of that is just an illusion.

Really she isn't worth it, do you really want a relationship with a person who literally tells you straight in the face that she's cheating on you? She is keeping you as a backup, just in case she got a fight with her so called new bf she's going to get back to you just to take revenge on him or versa.

I'm really sorry about your dad, I know how that feels. I lost mine a couple years ago. It made me depressed for years, that's one of the reasons why I went with my exBPD, I was so depressed that I really didn't care about everything. Now I have been dating an another girl, and she helped me a lot thanks to her I'm not depressed anymore. What am I trying to say? If you want to improve you should block your exBPD from your life, one day you'll meet someone who is MUCH better than your exBPD. I'm really over my exBPD and believe me when you think about it you're going to realize how bad she is.

Block her from any way she can communicate with you, tell her it's over and move on. I did this to my exBPD and I don't miss her at all, if I can do it you can do it too.