Don't you wish that you could be a fly on the wall...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

and watch things fall apart with the replacement? I know that this is a childish, stupid thought process and it has been a long time since I posted a topic. For all I know it could already be over but they put us through so much pain and heart ache, that the demonic little part of my mind that she created continues to wish to see her in pain, because I doubt very much, especially with a rebound that things can last. My ex picked someone (I only know because she mentioned him several months before b/u, as a casual meeting of no consequence) who could not be further from the type that would likely be able to handle my ex's past and hard drinking etc.

It's funny, just yesterday, I was reading some article post on facebook of a woman who no longer wanted to be in her marriage. That she hadn't met anyone and didn't want to. That she just didn't feel herself in the marriage any more. The husband was not abusive or mean or any of it. It just sounded like she had lost the love, which happens. She didn't run, worked and worked to try to make it work.

So many posters went off on her for giving up on her family and so on. I started to write a comment of my own (but didn't post it) where I was going to commend her with all of the praise that I could muster for not cheating or finding another d### to be with and either carrying on with the other man or breaking up the marriage because of it. Long term relationship break ups are heart wrenching as it is but when the kind of selfishness of those who are so pathetic that they are too afraid to end the relationship while un-attached to any one else, it just kills the partner who is left in the wake of that cowardice.

I continue to cycle through emotions and right now I am angry and want nothing more than for her to feel rejected. Karma. I know that everyone says that we should be happy with the knowledge that they are in pain (happy only in that after having gone through so much pain of our own it is ok for us to want indirect revenge) but I wish that I could watch both of their lives unravel and watch him feel the shock when he is hit with all of what I was hit with, both figuratively and physically.

Sorry had to vent. Thank you for allowing me to do so. For the most part, I am so far over it and thankful to be out but... .

[LimboFL]

and watch things fall apart with the replacement? I know that this is a childish, stupid thought process and it has been a long time since I posted a topic. For all I know it could already be over but they put us through so much pain and heart ache, that the demonic little part of my mind that she created continues to wish to see her in pain, because I doubt very much, especially with a rebound that things can last. My ex picked someone (I only know because she mentioned him several months before b/u, as a casual meeting of no consequence) who could not be further from the type that would likely be able to handle my ex's past and hard drinking etc.

It's funny, just yesterday, I was reading some article post on facebook of a woman who no longer wanted to be in her marriage. That she hadn't met anyone and didn't want to. That she just didn't feel herself in the marriage any more. The husband was not abusive or mean or any of it. It just sounded like she had lost the love, which happens. She didn't run, worked and worked to try to make it work.

So many posters went off on her for giving up on her family and so on. I started to write a comment of my own (but didn't post it) where I was going to commend her with all of the praise that I could muster for not cheating or finding another d### to be with and either carrying on with the other man or breaking up the marriage because of it. Long term relationship break ups are heart wrenching as it is but when the kind of selfishness of those who are so pathetic that they are too afraid to end the relationship while un-attached to any one else, it just kills the partner who is left in the wake of that cowardice.

I continue to cycle through emotions and right now I am angry and want nothing more than for her to feel rejected. Karma. I know that everyone says that we should be happy with the knowledge that they are in pain (happy only in that after having gone through so much pain of our own it is ok for us to want indirect revenge) but I wish that I could watch both of their lives unravel and watch him feel the shock when he is hit with all of what I was hit with, both figuratively and physically.

Sorry had to vent. Thank you for allowing me to do so. For the most part, I am so far over it and thankful to be out but... .

[DyingLove]

You did good LimboFl.  Good way to put it... .instead of really wishing them too much harm, you just want to witness it happening.  Ahhh that is really sweet.  WOuld love to be privy to watching it... .but ONLY if it went sour... .I'd really hate to see her life going well, which I'm sure isn't happening anyway.  Kudos to the woman that tried to make it work.  When you are in predicaments the way we are, you understand where these people are coming from, and you also realize how many ASSES are out there too.  Glad you vented!  :-)

[LimboFL]

Thank you dying love. I can't wish physical harm on someone whom I loved that much.

I just want her to be left in a pool of her own tears, to be left in the kind of hurt she left me in and to have it be so painful that she realizes what she gave up with her impulsive and selfish whim. It's all so easy when they have a replacement lined up to act blaze, to feel nothing for the partner that has been ditched because they have some false sense of security because they have found a new idiot who they think is going to put up with their crap.

Not because I would ever wish for her back, not in a million years.

Alas, this wish will never be realized. I have no connection to her outside of the world we had. So I am left with my little day dreams. Fortunately, as mentioned, I am for the most part content and happy that I am no longer in that cauldron of anguish and stress, but like the waves of inexplicable melancholy, every once in a while I have waves of anger. I suppose it's natural when unraveling four years of sacrifice and mental taxation. So many speak only of the suffering in the relationship but so many us, not only had to deal with the abuse of our expwBPD but also had all of life's other stresses to contend with as well. Those alone are sometimes enough to fllor the best of us as deep love for a broken partner and it is a whirlwind that sends our lives into the surreal.

[DyingLove]

Thank you dying love. I can't wish physical harm on someone whom I loved that much.

I just want her to be left in a pool of her own tears, to be left in the kind of hurt she left me in and to have it be so painful that she realizes what she gave up with her impulsive and selfish whim. It's all so easy when they have a replacement lined up to act blaze, to feel nothing for the partner that has been ditched because they have some false sense of security because they have found a new idiot who they think is going to put up with their crap.

Not because I would ever wish for her back, not in a million years.

Alas, this wish will never be realized. I have no connection to her outside of the world we had. So I am left with my little day dreams. Fortunately, as mentioned, I am for the most part content and happy that I am no longer in that cauldron of anguish and stress, but like the waves of inexplicable melancholy, every once in a while I have waves of anger. I suppose it's natural when unraveling four years of sacrifice and mental taxation. So many speak only of the suffering in the relationship but so many us, not only had to deal with the abuse of our expwBPD but also had all of life's other stresses to contend with as well. Those alone are sometimes enough to fllor the best of us as deep love for a broken partner and it is a whirlwind that sends our lives into the surreal.

Sometimes I just don't know what I want. And I mean that in the sense of how I would like about not only to turn out on her end. But having her fail repeatedly without any hard wishes from me I guess would be acceptable. My days are getting better but I still, on a daily basis, suffer from bewilderment of how she did all this. I think that making sense of the senseless is what we tried to do. It's just like watching the child make the worst possible decision they could ever make in their entire life and then asking them why they did it. Of course the answer is I don't know!

You are right when you say that we did not only suffer from the stress of relationship but also the many many many things around it as well as the trickle-down effect. Prior to this relationship, the one before it went bad. So I had the bad relationship, my business went under, I moved to a different state, I endured a four-year relationship with the BPD X, I was left broke and physically destroyed, I practically had to beg for money and help, I moved back to my original state, and for just about three months now I am in my own hellish recovery. Oh did I mention that I don't know how to be me, and I certainly don't know how to be self-sufficient and standing on my own 2 feet again? Yep these are the other things that go along with PTSD, and if you add up all the stresses, it's amazing we are still standing on our feet. Did you ever have a death in the family? And then all of a sudden you think about them and you can't believe that they're gone? I think it's very comparable to that feeling but add on a lot of pain and suffering.

[fromheeltoheal]

I continue to cycle through emotions and right now I am angry and want nothing more than for her to feel rejected.

Borderlines live in constant fear of abandonment, and their behaviors often cause it, a self-fulfilling prophesy, which is why they get so good at attaching, it's survival.  And when those feelings of abandonment come up, and the threat of being alone, and therefore not existing at all in the mind of a borderline, the tools, the defense mechanisms click in, to never, ever feel that, too painful.

I get the revenge aspect Limbo, make her feel how you do, and the best revenge is success, a life well lived.  Anger is a normal part of the detaching and grieving process, let fly as much as you need to, get it out so you don't get stuck there, while also focusing on your bright future once the relationship is purged.  Take care of you!

[Hadlee]

I understand that.  I still work with my exBPD best friend.  I'm female and she has replaced me with a guy.  It's hard to watch the mirroring and her idealizing him.  She is a stranger to me at times.  I had seen what I thought were some cracks a couple of months ago, but it all looks peachy now.  It's a bitter pill to swallow even though I am grateful to be out of the vortex of confusion.

At this particular moment I would love to see chaos and cracks between them.  But, by the time it all goes pear shaped I hope to not really give a damn.  Indifference is what I'm aiming for, and it can't come quick enough

[LimboFL]

Thank you Heel. I am at the end of this process, I believe. I am sure there will be more emotions in the months to come. I resort to angry impulses (in my head and verbal only) whenever my very annoying brain decides to kick up reminders that are fast becoming faded memories. It's annoyingly hard to process being in such a deep relationship with someone for 4 years and for it suddenly (poof) be gone, for what? I totally get it but it just seems like such a damn waste and ultimately unjust for BOTH parties, especially when the bond is actually there.

We can all pontificate about how there never was a connection but no amount of scientific opinion is going to stop me from believing that there wasn't one or that the love was one sided or infantile on the other side. I am not so dim not to appreciate that a part of the affection was indeed child like but there were enough "adult" glimmers where the child took a rest and the adult showed up.

However, love simply isn't enough to justify going through it all into perpetuity. For as much as I tighten up at her cowardice in latching onto some other hump, it was the straw I needed to break this camels back.

I am uncharacteristically hostile tonight. Anyone that has come to know me on this site, knows that I loved and deeply cared for my ex, long after the b/u. I remained respectful and did not lash out. I am anything but aggressive on this matter but tonight I needed to throw some "punches".  

[going places]

So is it ok to wish someone get a flat tire AND explosive diarrhea at the same time?

It's ok Limbo... .I spent A LOT of time angry.

Angry at her for 'breaking up' my marriage.

Angry at him for being so selfish and sickening.

Angry I was so dumb.

And the list goes on.

All this after the soul crushing sadness... .

It's been 1 year since the divorce was final.

It's been almost 4 years since I found out he was having an affair, and my whole marriage (at that time 21 years) was a big fat lie.

Today?

Whoever he 'hooks up with', even if it's the woman that he was committing adultery with... .I feel sorry for them. Especially if they have kids.

He is a monster. A predator. An insidious abusive bad dude.

I do not wish upon anyone, even the woman he committed adultery with, to ever go thru what I went thru.

I do not wish upon anyone, the feelings and emotions; the trauma and the abuse I endured.

It took A LONG time for me to genuinely mean this.

Lots of prayer. A really good book about forgiveness. And reading everything I can get my hands on about Abnormal Psychology, Personality Disorders, Abuse, etc.

Go easy on yourself... .you're healing!

[fromheeltoheal]

We can all pontificate about how there never was a connection but no amount of scientific opinion is going to stop me from believing that there wasn't one or that the love was one sided or infantile on the other side. I am not so dim not to appreciate that a part of the affection was indeed child like but there were enough "adult" glimmers where the child took a rest and the adult showed up.

And if she does exhibit traits of the disorder, and therefore may have it, there was more than a connection, there was an attachment, a fusing of psyches to make one whole person, which wouldn't exist in the borderline on her own; that is way closer than a partnership of two autonomous individuals, and that's part of what makes it so sad, never mind unhealthy.  A borderline can feel that they are getting so close to another person that they will lose themselves in that other person, engulfment, which causes them to push away from the thing they wanted most, that magic perfect love, which a borderline is entirely capable of, but just can't go there.  How sad is that?

Sad for all of us, and it also pisses us off.  Let fly Limbo, just don't do anything you'll regret later, and there are 5 stages of grieving, maybe this is the last one, maybe there's more ahead, but the only way out is through, on the way to freedom and the life of our dreams.

[LimboFL]

Thank you going places. You have been through more agony than I have by virtue of how much time you invested in your marriage. For me the investment was only give or take four years but I like being in a long term loving relationship and had wanted this to be it, even though there was always this part of me, the wise one I guess I can call him, that kept pulling me back, that sense that something wasn't right, but I forged on, in part it was empathy, the desire that so many of us have, once we realize what we are dealing with, a willingness to turn the other cheek, but then they simply push us too hard, too far away. It really is a What the heck moment?

"that magic perfect love, which a borderline is entirely capable of, but just can't go there.  How sad is that?" your post was moving. That is probably the hardest  part of it all. That they are capable of it but just can't go there. It is mind blowing how counter intuitive it all is. Their reactions go completely against human nature, that pure comfort that one feels when the courting phase has subsided and you realize that it is turning into genuine love. The infatuation turbulence has softened into a peaceful pacifying desire to simply be with a person. There were moments were I felt that with my ex. Her anxiety washed away and we were just there, but in retrospect, it was fleeting. Most of the time there was a charge of tense electricity in the air.

Prior to my exBPDgf, I was with my ex wife for 20 years. In retrospect, she definitely had a blend of PD's but I will call it PD light. She found another man too before ending our marriage BUT, the aftermath for me was not nearly as epic and catastrophic. I got over that in a couple of months. Strange no?

As you can see, I am calming down. =) The tide of anger has subsided. As the saying goes... .I am too old for this sh##. !

Thank you. I got my punches out. =)

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi LimboFL,

As much as I do not want to admit this, I did have thoughts similar this past weekend, and I was bothered by these thoughts, and the bad karma they may bring me.

I felt as though I wished for some proof that he and his family is not "better off" as he seemed to think he would be.

If I think more on it... .

I can feel that my desire is actually stemming from a longing that was not fulfilled within the r/s.

I know that I contributed greatly to his growth, safety, and unity of his family. (Guiding him in courts, legal issues with his ex, mental health issues of his ex and child, counselor appointments, living decisions). I know that I WAS not only good to him, but ALSO very good for both him and his D.  I saved him from lots of abuse and harm (emotional and financial) to him and his D by his ex, and was continuing to do so.  I can go on and on... .I know that many of us have made many sacrifices of ourselves, in attempts at investing in our r/s.  ... .That is not really the point.

The point is that his ego issues made it hard to receive.  He never wanted to acknowledge that he needed or relied on anyone.

Which lead to... .

He could never bring himself to express gratitude.  I often felt unappreciated or under appreciated.  I often felt that my value was either not seen, or was easily minimized, or overshadowed by himself.

This led to then feeling as though I was not worthy.

These thoughts did not just come from me, and my own issues.  He seriously acted like I was not worthy to go on our annual "family vacation," because I had spent time off work caring for his D, and as a result, "I did not work hard enough" and did not have equal funds to contribute to the expenses, and therefore was left behind.  (I should mention it was a road trip, the only additional expense to include me and my son was a 10 buck cot and the usual food expense which I could easily do both, but not half of all gas/hotel etc. at that time, which he had to spend anyway)

So again, back to my point... .

For me, the idea of hoping they are not better off without me... . 

Is actually not a bad wish upon them,

But rather a positive wish upon myself.

to be appreciated,

To be valued,

To feel cared for and cared about,

To be loved in a similar way that I give love.

I believe much anger is possibly some other desire maybe?

[fromheeltoheal]

It is mind blowing how counter intuitive it all is. Their reactions go completely against human nature, that pure comfort that one feels when the courting phase has subsided and you realize that it is turning into genuine love. The infatuation turbulence has softened into a peaceful pacifying desire to simply be with a person. There were moments were I felt that with my ex. Her anxiety washed away and we were just there, but in retrospect, it was fleeting. Most of the time there was a charge of tense electricity in the air.

And digging a little, their reactions are exactly human nature, for where a borderline is in their development; they got stuck at the stage of development of weathering the 'abandonment depression', as it's termed, the breaking away from our mothers to become our own person.  Banging up against that abandonment depression for a lifetime is what causes the constant focus on abandonment and the fear of it, the push/pull behavior that is the manifestation of the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, and the unstable sense of self, since the one that is there is not fully formed and dependent on an attachment to complete it.

Yep, I've felt the electricity, and inability to relax and be content.  Exhausting that.  And the peaceful pacifying thing was noticed in contrast to the intensity of the honeymoon stage, and most likely interpreted as you'd checked out, you no longer loved her, you were about to leave.  Mature love is unavailable to someone who stopped developing young, but the desire for the perfect fantasy love is alive, strong and unobtainable.  More sad.

[once removed]

I resort to angry impulses (in my head and verbal only) whenever my very annoying brain decides to kick up reminders that are fast becoming faded memories. It's annoyingly hard to process being in such a deep relationship with someone for 4 years and for it suddenly (poof) be gone, for what? I totally get it but it just seems like such a damn waste and ultimately unjust for BOTH parties, especially when the bond is actually there.

We can all pontificate about how there never was a connection but no amount of scientific opinion is going to stop me from believing that there wasn't one or that the love was one sided or infantile on the other side. I am not so dim not to appreciate that a part of the affection was indeed child like but there were enough "adult" glimmers where the child took a rest and the adult showed up.

However, love simply isn't enough to justify going through it all into perpetuity. For as much as I tighten up at her cowardice in latching onto some other hump, it was the straw I needed to break this camels back.

I am uncharacteristically hostile tonight. Anyone that has come to know me on this site, knows that I loved and deeply cared for my ex, long after the b/u. I remained respectful and did not lash out. I am anything but aggressive on this matter but tonight I needed to throw some "punches".  

limbofl, i hope, and i dont think, anyone is trying to take any of that away from you. youre entitled to your anger, your revenge fantasies, etc. thank goodness youre self aware enough to recognize them for what they are, and not act on them. its just part of the process; acting on them exacerbates the process.

comparing yourself to the new person is useless. i heard all about how my replacement was a "pushover", possibly with a disordered parent. he lasted longer than i did. that doesnt mean i wouldnt have been, or even arent today, curious about how it went.

"I continue to cycle through emotions and right now I am angry and want nothing more than for her to feel rejected. Karma. I know that everyone says that we should be happy with the knowledge that they are in pain (happy only in that after having gone through so much pain of our own it is ok for us to want indirect revenge) but I wish that I could watch both of their lives unravel and watch him feel the shock when he is hit with all of what I was hit with, both figuratively and physically. "

how far out are you? i suspect its pretty normal to cycle through emotions regardless. we cant control our feelings, we can control whether we react to them, and i hope you understand that having them and not reacting to them is serious progress and maturity. i dont think you should be happy with the knowledge that shes in pain. but that also doesnt mean that radically accepting that she is in pain, has been in pain, and will continue to be in pain, isnt useful to your recovery process. its okay to feel the feeling of wanting revenge. i did. that faded. to me, BPD is some kinda hell on earth. there isnt a revenge i could conceive of that would be worse than BPD.

you dont have to watch. you have knowledge that presumably this new person does not. i dont like to be black and white, but i dont think a BPD relationship stands much of a chance without great knowledge and practice of the lessons and BPD in general, and even with them, its in question.

"Sorry had to vent. Thank you for allowing me to do so. For the most part, I am so far over it and thankful to be out but... ."

its okay to vent  . the "but" is unresolved feelings, and youll resolve them in your own time, in your own way, revenge fantasies included

[SWLSR]

Do i want to be a fly on thst wall.  H**l to the no i want to be two thousand miles from her when this relationships blows up.  I dont want anypart of her and her new man dragging me into the drama i am out of it and i dont want back in. 

[going places]

I am moving 1200 miles away from my ex so that I NEVER have to run into him again ... .for the rest of forever! HA HA

[LimboFL]

Nice to hear from your, Sunflower =). Yes, this feeling of being very under appreciated was probably one of the hardest parts for me to digest, even more so because I don't do things for others to seek appreciation. Funny, as I was typing that last sentence, for some reason, the concept of "looking at their actions not their words" just flew into my little pea brain. Before chastising me about something, she would sometimes start the sentence with "I appreciate that you did this but... ." and then it went all negative. I often told her that she reminded me of a school headmaster.

I hadn't really felt a connection that action vs words concept until right now, although I know that there are countless other examples.

Yes, Sunflower, lack of real appreciation caused me so much stress. Rather than appreciation, what I wanted was simply for her to take into consideration all of the things that I did for her when judging me for an infraction. I am the type to let people slide on silly little things. An example, I remember a serious point of contention for us both. Because I did not want to throw a just put out cigarette into the trash for fear of fire, especially when I was leaving the apartment, I would end up leaving a few butts in the ashtray. This annoyed the crap out of her and I do get it. But she would leave for work (high end retail so different shifts) and leave her half full coffee cup on the dining room table, that day in and day out I would pull from the table and wash after getting home after work, along with all of the other dishes that she would leave behind. One day, when she got at me about the ashtray (which I admitted was not the best idea but again driven by fear of fire - two dogs in the house etc - not so much laziness) I got on her about the coffee cup. Something that I had let slide for 3 years because my view was "she has to stand on her feet for 7 hours and had to rush to get ready, no big deal, I collect the coffee cup and wash it, no sweat". Her response? She denied it "I never do that!" emphatically! I was so angry that the next day, in what felt like such a childish move on my part, I just left the coffee cup on the table and didn't say anything when she got home. I went into the bedroom and then when I came back out the coffee cup was in the kitchen sink.

I could go on and on about how little I "got away with" and how much I let slide. I go beyond thank you's in a relationship. I think back to all of the things a partner has done for me and realize that any small effort I have to make to do a repeated task is a small sacrifice and is my true thanks to a partner who does things for me. It is never mentioned (as proven by the three years of coffee cups), I just do it. Again, I don't seek thanks but rather that the "let things slide" concept be applied universally by both partners, especially when an tiny infraction of mine is not a repeated offence.

In short I totally get the lack of true gratitude and yes, without question this is part of my longing, because I don't really see any replacement willing to bend over so far backwards for her. I drove her to and from work every single day (when the hours didn't conflict with my work hours). She sometimes worked until midnight and could not have her taking public transport back that late so even though I would have to get up at 6 am, during the week, to get to my job and hour away, I would still pick her up and then have a quick beer with her to "catch up", not getting into bed most night before 1:30 am. It was exhausting but I did it for two years. Often times she would say that this was all I was good for "being her driver".

So yes, there is a lot of anger and I, like you, hope that my ripping myself out of her life has shown her how much I did do. Many here believe that they won't realize. Maybe they are right.

Heel, you have a very sweet way of putting very difficult concepts. Fortunately I am far enough now, not to allow myself to feel the kind of empathy one feels for loved ones who you know are suffering inside. That empathy was a critical component in my acceptance of certain behaviors, my desire to stick it out, to not abandon her. This is not to say that my actions were purely Philanthropic. I did love her deeply and ridiculously wanted to grow old with her. Nor was I a saintly in my reactions. There were times where life put me in position where I would lose my mind a little. This was another cause of complete bafflement for me. Almost without exception I kept the emotions of a lost deal or bad day to myself. I would tell her what happened so that she understood why I was being very quiet but then leave it at that. Unlike a normal person who might think to themselves "he has had a real crappy day, maybe I will wait to get on him about this or that", something I refrained from countless time with her. She didn't think that way. Even with the knowledge that I had a highly stressfull or crappy event/day, she thought nothing of either insulting me or picking on me for something silly and, guess what despite all of my efforts, sometimes I just couldn't contain it so I would get angry. To make matters worse she would then mock me for my reaction... .it was all so absurd.

I could go on and on.

Thank you Going Places. I am sorry that you had to go through so much pain. The anger is natural. Fortunately I am ultimately fine and again so happy not to be spinning in that web. I guess I just need to purge, to off load some of this negative information, from time to time. It's cathartic.

I really appreciate, as always, all of your kindness is responding. I thought I was kind of done posting on BPD but I guess my healing is not completely done. I certainly am so much less hurt sad etc. Thank God for that, but I suppose a little more off loading is needed. Thanks everyone!

[fromheeltoheal]

Fortunately I am far enough now, not to allow myself to feel the kind of empathy one feels for loved ones who you know are suffering inside. That empathy was a critical component in my acceptance of certain behaviors, my desire to stick it out, to not abandon her. This is not to say that my actions were purely Philanthropic.

Yes, I felt myself in the same situation, and saw what that would look like moving forward; I would need to be a continual caretaker for the project that was her, my needs wouldn't even register, eventually even to myself, and fortunately that made me cringe.  So it was a matter of feeling that empathy for her while also putting my own needs first, a difficult conflict, and eventually a letting go with love.  And now that I've removed myself from her life I've found it's possible to concurrently feel that empathy and compassion for her but also get my own needs met, that feels good, it sits well with me, although of course it requires she be completely out of my life, and I'm good with that too.

[LimboFL]

Once removed, I forgot to address your kind comments. How far out am I? 6 months give or take with a 2 day recycle in between. A few contact prior to that but once I found her out in a huge lie I asked to please never contact me again and I haven't heard from her since. That part that wishes to hear from them pokes at me from time to time but I so completely see how progress I have made because I have not had any contact and have no clue where she is, who she is with or what circumstance she is in. Like all NC advocates here, I cannot stress the importance of completely cutting yourself off. Fortunately, I have not had to do any changing of phone numbers, blocking or any of it. I respect her for that at least.

I am doing well and the pain is, for the most part, gone completely. My heart doesn't squeeze when I think of her or what kind of mess she might be in. She made that bed. I gave her my all for the years we were together and would have given more. Fortunately, sanity prevailed.

I still have, as mentioned, emotional rushes of sadness, anger and longing. The latter is one that I can't understand for the life of me. How I could want anyone who treated me so poorly is beyond me. Alas, many question will not bear answers so we move on.

Heel, I can't let go with love. I just can't do it. She seemed completely lucid when she made the decision to chase a replacement, who still lives with his "ex" wife, has two daughters (while my ex bore no children which i felt sorry for but appreciated how difficult the lives of those children would have been), and lives 1000 miles away. My empathy has vacated the building. I understand the disorder but I am unable to reconcile with it. In the back of my mind, I will always feel compassion for the child that dealt with so much pain but I see them as two different people. For the most part, I know that this is how I protect myself. It's not bottled up, because I can assure you that I have cried buckets and buckets of tears.

Thank you, guys, for responding to my call. =)

[fromheeltoheal]

Heel, I can't let go with love. I just can't do it. She seemed completely lucid when she made the decision to chase a replacement, who still lives with his "ex" wife, has two daughters (while my ex bore no children which i felt sorry for but appreciated how difficult the lives of those children would have been), and lives 1000 miles away. My empathy has vacated the building. I understand the disorder but I am unable to reconcile with it. In the back of my mind, I will always feel compassion for the child that dealt with so much pain but I see them as two different people. For the most part, I know that this is how I protect myself. It's not bottled up, because I can assure you that I have cried buckets and buckets of tears.

I get it Limbo, it's very painful.  When I left my ex and for a while after I wanted to kill her, literally, and if things had taken a different turn near the end and I'd lost my sht I'd be in jail for sure.  And then the desire for revenge, the desire for her to feel as much pain as possible, the glee in learning that by abandoning her I had hurt her in the best way possible for a borderline.  And then the booze and the rage, all of it were phases that thankfully passed, and it's a good thing because they were exhausting.  Then depression for months, along with physical sickness, then, finally, about a year out, acceptance.  And that's when the empathy and compassion reemerged and I could let her go with those, purely for myself at that point, because it felt better, it felt right, it was the right thing to do for me, and it was a part of the peace I'd found.

So you don't have to go there right now, but realize it's a possibility that may feel right at the right time, and you may consider making it a goal, with whatever it takes between to get there.  Take care of you!

[once removed]

"Once removed, I forgot to address your kind comments. How far out am I? 6 months give or take with a 2 day recycle in between."

in my experience six months is the equivalent of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. i wasnt there yet. if im not mistaken, your relationship lasted longer than mine too, so give or take.

"I asked to please never contact me again and I haven't heard from her since. That part that wishes to hear from them pokes at me from time to time"

i can understand this. but frankly if its any consolation, you are getting your expressed wish. its not as if you begged for contact and were ignored. which doesnt take away from your experience or wanting that validation, but i think remembering it was your wish to begin with is validating in itself, if that makes sense.

"I have not had any contact and have no clue where she is, who she is with or what circumstance she is in"

i think youve done yourself a gigantic favor. our recoveries can go multiple ways. it was personally suggested to me that i repeatedly look at my exes facebook as a way of desensitizing myself. that was not for me and i wouldnt recommend it to anyone else either. but lets say you did have that attitude and then cut yourself off, without having the prior insight to cut it off. try to visualize that. the attitude came naturally to you and you acted on it. good for you 

"I am doing well and the pain is, for the most part, gone completely. My heart doesn't squeeze when I think of her or what kind of mess she might be in. She made that bed. I gave her my all for the years we were together and would have given more. Fortunately, sanity prevailed.

I still have, as mentioned, emotional rushes of sadness, anger and longing. The latter is one that I can't understand for the life of me. How I could want anyone who treated me so poorly is beyond me. Alas, many question will not bear answers so we move on."

im glad youve made such great progress. but as to that question, it kinda is what it is. i dont think this forum would survive if many of us didnt feel similarly. but id encourage you not to shame yourself for it, or see it as "wrong". i wanted my ex back. i expressed to others that i felt i was "wilting" without her. i wasnt. i was growing. but i wasnt wrong. and ill be damned if anybody had told me i was wrong. dont invalidate yourself either. if you have loved ones or people close to you that dont understand, or are sending you the message that "she treated you poorly, why do you want her", dont internalize that or project it onto yourself. its not worthless advice, but it lacks understanding. and again, whether people are telling you this, or youre telling yourself this, its the same thing. "the heart wants what the heart wants."

i think, as i said, revenge fantasies are perfectly normal, and some people act on them, some dont. anger wasnt a huge part of my process, but i certainly had revenge and justice fantasies if fairly consistently. even more than accepting the pain my ex was already in, was in before me, and will be in after me, it was useful to just know this was a normal part of my process. trust in yourself, and trust in the process. i suspected my ex was checking my facebook, so i left a few indirect messages as status updates. visualize yourself already recovered. youll look back and see those kinds of things as trite, and perhaps regret them. a stronger person abstains. regardless of your feelings, which are normal and very much human, youve abstained 

[LimboFL]

Heel, you're right. The truth is that I will always love her deeply. Unlike them, we don't just fall out of love in a flash, no matter how much anger there is for the betrayals and the pain that was caused. You went through a much harder journey than I have, although I wouldn't wish what I have been through on my worst enemy. The pain and devastation have been raw and visceral. Thank you for sharing and for your words of support.

Once removed, I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think the best part of this is that I am learning that it isn't so bad to be on your own. I am not actively looking for new love but rather kind of leaving it in the hands of the powers that be. I want it but chasing it is not the answer.

You are absolutely right, she is respecting the boundary that I set up for her never to contact me again. I am grateful that she has because I know that it is why I am healing faster than some. I have deleted every email, every picture, her number etc etc. I have not snooped on social media nor will I ever. Ignorance is bliss. Taking this route though does force questions about how they are and so on, which is normal when you love someone and spent so much time with them. We lived under the same roof for 3 of the 4 years we were together. I can't believe that anyone advised you to look at your ex's facebook page as a way of desensitizing. Well meaning, I am sure, but misguided. I appreciate the confirmation, though. Very kind and supportive.

Fortunately shame is not something that is burdening me. Rather it is just a little internal disbelief that I could still have romantic yearnings for her. I am a pretty what you see is what you get kind of person. I am very careful with what I share but the fact that I still have moments where love and the good rushes back is not something I will ever be embarrassed to share because this was a woman I love/d and wished to grow old with. The fact that being with her any longer than I was would have likely driven me into an asylum, is where there is a disconnect between the want and the reality. I am able to reason on that front. As you say the heart wants what the heart wants.

I don't want revenge because ultimately I recognize that she did me a favor. She saved me from a very emotional and crisis driven existence of pain and anguish, anxiety and despair. Even if I were to spend the rest of my life alone, which I hope is not what will happen, that it will have been a better life than a life with the disordered her. What I miss, as we all do, is the person who when the stars aligned was sweet, kind, caring and very lovable. I miss that person and that is why I continue to have moments of lament. Hopefully, in due course, I will find a new love. Until then, I keep one foot moving in front of the other and avoid the man holes.

Thank you all, once again. Someone once mentioned the idea of having a get together with all of the BPD Family folks. I would certainly like to personally thank a number of you fine folks. Unfortunate that this is too tall an order. Bucket list, maybe? =)