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WhatJustHappened?
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« on: June 07, 2015, 11:28:08 AM »

Probably more therapy for me but chime in if you would like.

Now that I am 2 weeks in w/NC. I have had a chance to acknowledge the BPD behavior. Much of it has been identified and discussed already but what the heck.

exBPD... .

1.) was one of my first loves. Much of the relationship we had recently was centered around "destiny", "soul mate" and "meant to be" discussions.

2.) was extremely good at mirroring my future desires/goals and reiterating how we were so compatible. Example: I made it clear that I wanted stability and calmness in a relationship. She would routinely repeat that back to me. But the words never matched her actions.

3.) based much of our relationship on sex and how great I was at satisfying her needs like no one else. She was highly sexual and used that to pull me in.

4.) complimented me a lot in the beginning of our recent relationship on my ability to be there for her and understand her like no one else could.

5.) was highly erratic with wild emotional swings, especially if she felt that I was not paying attention to her. And when confronted, there was always a good excuse for the erratic behavior.

6.) could not focus well on the details. She would stop and start projects erratically and had a very difficult time following through on even the simplest of tasks. I remember her first visit to my place - she was unable to make her flights. It took her several attempts to actually get to the airport on time and catch her plane. There was always something out of her control creating chaos and drama.

7.) did not have many close and functional relationships with friends and family. People were routinely banned, blocked, hung up on and punished with NC and then re-accepted back into her life when it benefited her.

8.) would routinely use bitting sarcasm directed towards me that was just rude and bitter. When confronted, it was my fault that I could not take a joke.

9.) was drama-fueled. Everything in her life was one big drama and was never the result of anything she did.

10.) had many health conditions. It was hard for me to know being that we were dating long distance, if her medical problems were real versus imaginary.

11.) spoke about her ex-husband a lot. She vacillated between telling me how much she hated him but would never rule out a reconciliation. This was highly odd being that she claimed he was both physically and emotionally abusive. I believe this was a tactic she would use to keep me guessing and trying hard to satisfy her needs. It was also very confusing for me being that she routinely stated how we were destined to be together but would then use statements like, "I only know what I want today" and "I can't predict every possible future scenario" when discussing possible reconciliation with her ex and our future together.

12.) used what I recently believe to be "mirroring". The same complaints she had about her ex and others were the same behaviors she herself exhibited. Example: she stated that her ex was very controlling in what he wanted others' to know about their relationship. But then in our relationship, she would outline very long lists of things she wanted me to say or not say to others about our relationship and problems.

13.) had a very predictable recycle pattern. Usually between one and two weeks with NC. Example: we would fight, break-up and then reconnect via her getting back in contact with me in a one to two week period. She also had a very routine attitude on this type of behavior. To her, this was just part of her life and was no big deal. To her few friends, she would never admit we were broken up and was surprised when she learned that I shared our break-up experiences with my friends and family.

Well, that's all I can think of now. Thanks for reading and allowing me to put this in writing. I bet some of the above will sound familiar to many here. And some of the points I have made above may be the result of other non-BPD related issues - it's hard for me to know for sure.

All I know is that very few things ever made sense to me or seemed like rational behavior that two caring adults would have with each other.




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WhatJustHappened?
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« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2015, 12:53:56 PM »

This forum is so interesting... .every time I read a new post it makes me think of another "red flag" or characteristic that my exBPD has.

So adding to my list above:

14.) exBPD routinely would tell me that after all the years with her abusive ex, she didn't understand what is normal and rational behavior. I just read another post about this. There must be something with BPDs and those who date them in regards to this matter. Maybe in my exBPD's case, she and her ex husband were both BPD? (and I mean no disrespect to the poster who posted this on the forum - it just made me remember)

15.) exBPD would go from love to hate in under a second. The switch was scary.

16.) The need for exBPD to share self-made, sexual material with me was quite odd. She would then ask me to delete it as she felt ashamed. She also had a need to have routine Skye "sexy time" sessions. Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Mister Brightside
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« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2015, 01:49:51 PM »

11.) spoke about her ex-husband a lot. She vacillated between telling me how much she hated him but would never rule out a reconciliation. This was highly odd being that she claimed he was both physically and emotionally abusive. I believe this was a tactic she would use to keep me guessing and trying hard to satisfy her needs. It was also very confusing for me being that she routinely stated how we were destined to be together but would then use statements like, "I only know what I want today" and "I can't predict every possible future scenario" when discussing possible reconciliation with her ex and our future together.

I am about to head off for church, but wanted to comment on this particular topic before I go. I'll quote a couple of things from https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?212-30-Red-Flags that relate to the above.

9. Uses social networking to provoke jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence. They once focused all of their attention on you, but now they post ambiguous videos and statuses to make you doubt your place in their heart. They bait previously denounced exes with old songs and inside jokes. They attend to new activity and ignores yours.

11. Surrounds themselves with former lovers and potential mates. Brags that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you there is nothing to worry about. These people make you feel jealous and give off the perception that your partner is in high-demand.

#11 especially. My exBPD once said one of her exes texted her, but that I wouldn't want to know about (why bring it up then?). I told her she may as well just tell me now that she mentioned it. She sent me a screenshot. He was basically telling her how good her blowjobs were. Instead of chastising him, she just laughed at him. She acted, emphasis on acted, surprised that it bothered me. Then other times she'd tell me all these guys were trying to talk to her (and would show me some of the messages), and act like I was lucky she was ignoring them and instead focusing on me. It was a sick game.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2015, 02:51:46 PM »

My exgf went on about her exs and strangers who hit on her aswell. It was a baiting tactic. Something I read here once was if you sell it cheap enough you get a lot of interest. I wish I had used this line with my exgf. You never know I still may get a chance to say it as we have a son together.
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« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2015, 03:29:06 PM »

My exgf went on about her exs and strangers who hit on her aswell. It was a baiting tactic. Something I read here once was if you sell it cheap enough you get a lot of interest. I wish I had used this line with my exgf. You never know I still may get a chance to say it as we have a son together.

Isn't it one of many baiting tactics to keep you emotionally disregulated and adrenalised? I don't think a single day went past where I was not raised into an adrenalised state. One day she would bring up the spectre of our relationship not being secure, then it was cancer scares, then it was her talking forever about her exes and to which if I complained i was controlling, then it would be a suicide threat, then it would be a massive sulk and then an accusation of something i hadn't done, then she'd tell me she didn't find me attractive, then she's being up some abuse from my past to raise my adrenaline then she'd storm out in a rage and not come back, then she'd go out all night and not answer the phone despite being 2am, then ... .

I don't think I went a clear day without her raising my adrenaline level. I was a nervous wreck, always checking if she was ok and doing everything I could to make her calm cos then I could finally be calm. In 5 years with her I aged 15 years
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WhatJustHappened?
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« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2015, 03:49:38 PM »

Yep, sounds about right to all of your posts. Hence the STD check which I should get results on tomorrow.
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« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2015, 07:19:16 AM »

BPD family never fails to help remind me of all of the things that I went through, the four years, I was with my exBPDgf. It's why I keep coming back, which can be hard because reading the posts serves to remind me of a chapter, in my life, that I keep trying to turn the page from.

Clearly I wasn't the only one who found the regular reminders of people chasing my ex, both strangers and orbiters. Both then and now, I have spent countless cumulative hours wondering if I hadn't been overreacting to these repeated reminders, from her.

There is no question that when you are in a longer relationship with an pwBPD, where after b/u one takes time alone to heal, we lose all frames of reference on what is "normal" behavior from a partner. It is especially difficult when the pwBPD, condescends when you react poorly to their baiting, as though you are just a jealous over-reactionary and insecure idiot. They just speak down to you like you are a little confused child that needs to grow up and see that their behavior is how adults behave. She consistently said that "you need to grow up" She would consistently mock me because the previous relationship that I was in, with my ex wife, lasted 20 years and that this somehow made me an amateur, while reminding me how many partners she has had in her life. My would always return with "you are joking right? that being with the same woman for 20 years, makes me unaware of how to be in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't be as proud as you seem to be that you have had so many partners" It would still sting when she would mock me for it. When in the thick of it, though, one simply cannot bring up a frame of reference to use as an internal defense mechanism. We know that it just can't be how people behave with the partner, they supposedly love and care for, but it is nearly impossible to play back a previous "normal relationship" to bolster your view that it is unacceptable, especially because it is coming from the lips of what looks like another adult.

Another excellent reminder. Although "walking on eggshells", as a theory does very accurately depict the syndrome, when reduced to it's concentrated form the feeling, at least for me, was less about being frightened and more about being in a constant state of heightened alert/stress. I will never know the amount of damage this did to my psyche. So many examples. Despite the pain of the loss, it is nice not to be in this state anymore.

The biting sarcasm also hit home, in a massive way. It was constant and very personal and I had to this point, not heard anyone mention that. It is shocking how points I can check off, from whatjusthappened's list. The number of times that I find that I could have written the exact same posts, pointing out behaviors, that others have written on this site is a powerful and necessary reminder that my ex WAS BPD.

So... .thank you all, once again.     
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LimboFL
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« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2015, 07:52:42 AM »

BPD family never fails to help remind me of all of the things that I went through, the four years, I was with my exBPDgf. It's why I keep coming back, which can be hard because reading the posts serves to remind me of a chapter, in my life, that I keep trying to turn the page on.

Clearly I wasn't the only one who found the regular reminders of people chasing my ex, both strangers and orbiters, cruel and unusual behavior. I dressed her down gently on many occasions with, "you aren't the only one who gets flirted with, but I just don't feel that it advances our relationship by any measure by sharing it with you. If it didn't matter to me, then it evaporates into thin air". Every single time she did it, my radars would flare up.  Both then and now, I have spent countless cumulative hours wondering if I hadn't been overreacting to these repeated reminders, from her. That it was the norm, in today's relationships, even though I knew it was wrong and hurtful and that I would never do it to anyone.

There is no question that when you are in a longer relationship with an pwBPD, where after b/u one takes time alone to heal, we lose all frames of reference on what is "normal" behavior from a partner. It is especially difficult when the pwBPD condescends when you react poorly to their baiting, as though you are just a jealous over-reactionary, controlling and insecure idiot. They just speak down to you like you are a little confused child that needs to grow up and see that their behavior is how adults behave. She consistently said that "you need to grow up"

She would consistently mock me because the previous relationship that I was in, with my ex wife, lasted 20 years and insinuate that this somehow made me an amateur, which she would also follow with a reminder of how many partners she has had in her life, as though this made her more wise to the ways of relationships, more of a professional who could speak as an authority on the matter. My response was often "you are joking right? that being with the same woman for 20 years, makes me unable or unaware of how to be in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't be as proud as you seem to be that you have had so many partners" It would still sting and hurt though, when she would mock me for it.

When in the thick of it, though, one simply cannot bring up a frame of reference to use as an internal defense mechanism. We know that it just can't be how people behave with the partner they supposedly love and care for, but it is nearly impossible to play back a previous "normal relationship" to bolster your view that it is unacceptable, especially because it is coming from the lips of what looks like another adult.

In a way she was right, being in a relationship/marriage for that long does make me kind of an amateur, but ONLY, a novice at serial dating. Being in such a long relationship, where a child was raised, makes me quite the professional in the laws of finding solutions to relationship chasms, as well as the concepts of shared responsibility and compromise. Despite knowing all of this and the words coming out of my mouth, I still felt like I might actually be a novice in the love and relationship department.

Another excellent reminder. As a theory "walking on eggshells", does very accurately depict the syndrome. But when reduced to a concentrate the feeling, at least for me, was less about being frightened and more about being in a constant state of heightened alert/stress. I will never know the amount of damage this did to my psyche. So many examples. Despite the pain of the loss, it is nice not to be in this state anymore.

The biting sarcasm also hit home, in a massive way. It was constant and very personal and I had to this point, not heard anyone mention that. This was yet another example of how, when I reacted negatively, I would be made to feel like a overly sensitive little boy for being displeased. I do remember it coming to the point where I did laugh it off as often as possible, but as with everything else she did, there were inevitably highly personal buttons being pushed. What I learned, VERY late in the game, was not so much disregard but rather simply go completely quiet while getting on with the task I was in the middle of. I realized that by not reacting, not smiling, saying absolutely nothing and with a body language that was completely neutral, I was leaving her last thoughts to rattle around in her head. I was actually getting results with this. She would apologize for saying something that mean. Her conscience would often kick in. She did have one. Any sort of reaction, even with defensive posture, a under the breath "hiss" or a overtly negative reaction would do nothing more than start her engines and set her off. It was a very complex dance.

I keep going back to how maybe I was in a state of displeasure too often. She would often say, 'You go from zero to 100", something that was never an issue with me. I have a long fuse, however, when it blows I will not be in a very positive state, but I also can reel it back in quickly. I still wonder if maybe it was me, but then I remind myself of how often this biting sarcasm was inflicted on me, coupled with all of the other behaviors, particularly the one above about consistent reminder of potential suitors. I have to remind myself that this kind of constant abuse would make anyone short tempered and highly mistrusting of a lover.

It is shocking how man points that I can check off, from whatjusthappened's list. The number of times that I find that I could have written the exact same posts, pointing out behaviors that others have written about, on this site. Reading these posts serve as a very powerful and necessary reminder that my ex WAS BPD.

The hypocrisy was like pouring a tanker truck load of fuel to the fire. It was so blatant and the fact that she wasn't able to make the correlation between having chastised me or someone else, sometimes just hours before, and then repeated the very same behavior. It drove me insane.

Anyway... .thank you all, once again. I needed to be reminded.    
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LimboFL
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« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2015, 07:54:53 AM »

Not that anyone is necessarily going to read my last post =) but my apologies for the double post. I tried to edit and then the site would allow me to post. I checked to see if the original had posted, before edit, and didn't see it, so I started a new reply. Damn and blast technology for not being perfect! Anyway just wanted to make sure that nobody that that I thought that my opinions are so poignant that they deserve to be posted twice.
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« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2015, 08:02:04 AM »

Probably more therapy for me but chime in if you would like.

Now that I am 2 weeks in w/NC. I have had a chance to acknowledge the BPD behavior. Much of it has been identified and discussed already but what the heck.

exBPD... .

1.) was one of my first loves. Much of the relationship we had recently was centered around "destiny", "soul mate" and "meant to be" discussions.

2.) was extremely good at mirroring my future desires/goals and reiterating how we were so compatible. Example: I made it clear that I wanted stability and calmness in a relationship. She would routinely repeat that back to me. But the words never matched her actions.

3.) based much of our relationship on sex and how great I was at satisfying her needs like no one else. She was highly sexual and used that to pull me in.

4.) complimented me a lot in the beginning of our recent relationship on my ability to be there for her and understand her like no one else could.

5.) was highly erratic with wild emotional swings, especially if she felt that I was not paying attention to her. And when confronted, there was always a good excuse for the erratic behavior.

6.) could not focus well on the details. She would stop and start projects erratically and had a very difficult time following through on even the simplest of tasks. I remember her first visit to my place - she was unable to make her flights. It took her several attempts to actually get to the airport on time and catch her plane. There was always something out of her control creating chaos and drama.

7.) did not have many close and functional relationships with friends and family. People were routinely banned, blocked, hung up on and punished with NC and then re-accepted back into her life when it benefited her.

8.) would routinely use bitting sarcasm directed towards me that was just rude and bitter. When confronted, it was my fault that I could not take a joke.

9.) was drama-fueled. Everything in her life was one big drama and was never the result of anything she did.

10.) had many health conditions. It was hard for me to know being that we were dating long distance, if her medical problems were real versus imaginary.

11.) spoke about her ex-husband a lot. She vacillated between telling me how much she hated him but would never rule out a reconciliation. This was highly odd being that she claimed he was both physically and emotionally abusive. I believe this was a tactic she would use to keep me guessing and trying hard to satisfy her needs. It was also very confusing for me being that she routinely stated how we were destined to be together but would then use statements like, "I only know what I want today" and "I can't predict every possible future scenario" when discussing possible reconciliation with her ex and our future together.

12.) used what I recently believe to be "mirroring". The same complaints she had about her ex and others were the same behaviors she herself exhibited. Example: she stated that her ex was very controlling in what he wanted others' to know about their relationship. But then in our relationship, she would outline very long lists of things she wanted me to say or not say to others about our relationship and problems.

13.) had a very predictable recycle pattern. Usually between one and two weeks with NC. Example: we would fight, break-up and then reconnect via her getting back in contact with me in a one to two week period. She also had a very routine attitude on this type of behavior. To her, this was just part of her life and was no big deal. To her few friends, she would never admit we were broken up and was surprised when she learned that I shared our break-up experiences with my friends and family.

Well, that's all I can think of now. Thanks for reading and allowing me to put this in writing. I bet some of the above will sound familiar to many here. And some of the points I have made above may be the result of other non-BPD related issues - it's hard for me to know for sure.

All I know is that very few things ever made sense to me or seemed like rational behavior that two caring adults would have with each other.

Thank you. You have made my decision to be on my own even more serene and enjoyable. What's to miss? Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #10 on: June 08, 2015, 08:32:37 AM »

Whatjusthappened, with your permission, may I go point by point on your list to share my experience after 1 year of NC?

I don't want to hi-jack this thread, but thought it would be helpful to see 'progress' at different time frames of NC (it would be super helpful if someone who has been NC for 3, 6, and 9 months to chime in too)

That was the hardest thing for me; "when will I stop ______ when will this pain stop/get better, when will I start healing, etc." To have a 'sort of' time line would have been a great thing to read.

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« Reply #11 on: June 08, 2015, 01:00:22 PM »

Please do!

Its been hard because I keep wanting to be in denial and think that I'm crazy but when I revisit the list, its clear as day.
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« Reply #12 on: June 09, 2015, 07:57:27 AM »

Probably more therapy for me but chime in if you would like.

Now that I am 2 weeks in w/NC. I have had a chance to acknowledge the BPD behavior. Much of it has been identified and discussed already but what the heck.

exBPD... .

My ex is more NPD/ASPD, and just plain evil. I don't say evil with a biting angry tongue. I say it very matter of factly. What he did, there is no other name for it.

The blue is where I am 1 year after the divorce (almost 1 year of NC---have not seen him since July 2014, and only email when it has something to do with the kids). It has been almost 4 years since the initial trauma.



1.) was one of my first loves. Much of the relationship we had recently was centered around "destiny", "soul mate" and "meant to be" discussions.

1) our relationship was centered around sex, then raising children. there was never communication, compromise, compassion... .(on his part). This is reality. I 'used' to see it thru rose colored glasses, made it appear to be something it was not. But at the end of the day, the first sentences was exactly what the relationships was.

2.) was extremely good at mirroring my future desires/goals and reiterating how we were so compatible. Example: I made it clear that I wanted stability and calmness in a relationship. She would routinely repeat that back to me. But the words never matched her actions.

2) he mirrored my 'good' when others were looking. went to church, stood up sang, took notes, shook hands, kiss babies. he mirrored my love for our children, when others were looking. He looked like 'dad of the year', but when no one was looking; he was online with is picture friends, leaving the kids alone in front of the TV while I was at work... .and his 'words' never matched his actions. Again, once the rose colored glasses came off, I was left with the ugly true.

3.) based much of our relationship on sex and how great I was at satisfying her needs like no one else. She was highly sexual and used that to pull me in.

3) he treated me like a piece of meat. in 2011, I found out why. The thought of having sex with him makes me puke in my mouth.

4.) complimented me a lot in the beginning of our recent relationship on my ability to be there for her and understand her like no one else could.

4) he did not compliment me. the only time he said something nice to me is when he wanted sex. I had 3 kids in 4 years (from 24-28) and 20 years later I am still (and always was) a size 2. I take great care of myself, and for our marriage, I did it for him. He used to tell me that the other guys in the office complained their wives were fat and lazy... .and I never wanted to be that. I wanted to be a good wife. And I was, and he was a monster anyway.

5.) was highly erratic with wild emotional swings, especially if she felt that I was not paying attention to her. And when confronted, there was always a good excuse for the erratic behavior.

5) temper tantrums when he did not get his way, or when his fav. sports team lost, or when something would not do what he wanted it to do. Throwing things, screaming, cussing, pouting, sulking... .then the silent treatment. I 'used to say' oh it's just a quirk, or it's just his personality.

No, it was abuse. Plain and simple.


6.) could not focus well on the details. She would stop and start projects erratically and had a very difficult time following through on even the simplest of tasks. I remember her first visit to my place - she was unable to make her flights. It took her several attempts to actually get to the airport on time and catch her plane. There was always something out of her control creating chaos and drama.

6) he is an engineer, but is the 1/2ass king. "It's good enough" is his motto. ALL EYES ALWAYS had to be on him. He was an attention whore. Still is.

7.) did not have many close and functional relationships with friends and family. People were routinely banned, blocked, hung up on and punished with NC and then re-accepted back into her life when it benefited her.

7) I was busy being a wife, and mother; so I did not have a lot of friends. His family is Satan's ex inlaws (for a reason) and yes, I told him after 10 years of his mothers abuse, that she was NOT allowed in the house, that he could have a relationship w/ her, but she is NEVER to come to the home again. 7 years later I drew the line on his brother sister in law and her thieving kids. So it makes *me* look like a witch, but anyone who had experienced what me and my kids experienced; you would have done the same thing.

8.) would routinely use bitting sarcasm directed towards me that was just rude and bitter. When confronted, it was my fault that I could not take a joke.

8) he verbally abused me. then gas lit me. then applied abusive silent treatment.

He was a monster. I don't 'hate him' or wish him ill anymore. I do feel sorry for his next victim. I would not wish 'him' on anyone, not even my worst enemy.



9.) was drama-fueled. Everything in her life was one big drama and was never the result of anything she did.

9) nothing was ever his fault... .and if you heard him say "this is my fault" it is quickly followed up with why YOU caused him to do something wrong/bad, etc. He has no remorse, no guilt, no soul.


10.) had many health conditions. It was hard for me to know being that we were dating long distance, if her medical problems were real versus imaginary.

10) he caused a HUGE health problem, and even though my back was so messed up, I couldn't get to the bathroom w/o help; he had to have sex. he let me lay on the couch in unimaginable pain, walked past me like I wasn't there; until he wanted sex. Then he was Mr. Caring. Makes me want to puke.

11.) spoke about her ex-husband a lot. She vacillated between telling me how much she hated him but would never rule out a reconciliation. This was highly odd being that she claimed he was both physically and emotionally abusive. I believe this was a tactic she would use to keep me guessing and trying hard to satisfy her needs. It was also very confusing for me being that she routinely stated how we were destined to be together but would then use statements like, "I only know what I want today" and "I can't predict every possible future scenario" when discussing possible reconciliation with her ex and our future together.

11) His 'exs' were just conquests. He was young when we married and had kids (so was I). He told me that the woman he had an affair with was just for sex, he didn't care about her, and he was gonna trade her in on another one. He's sick in the head.

12.) used what I recently believe to be "mirroring". The same complaints she had about her ex and others were the same behaviors she herself exhibited. Example: she stated that her ex was very controlling in what he wanted others' to know about their relationship. But then in our relationship, she would outline very long lists of things she wanted me to say or not say to others about our relationship and problems.

12) mine cared about nothing but himself and what benefited him. period.


13.) had a very predictable recycle pattern. Usually between one and two weeks with NC. Example: we would fight, break-up and then reconnect via her getting back in contact with me in a one to two week period. She also had a very routine attitude on this type of behavior. To her, this was just part of her life and was no big deal. To her few friends, she would never admit we were broken up and was surprised when she learned that I shared our break-up experiences with my friends and family.

13) My ex could do anything... .for 2 weeks. That's it. Not 3, only 2.


Well, that's all I can think of now. Thanks for reading and allowing me to put this in writing. I bet some of the above will sound familiar to many here. And some of the points I have made above may be the result of other non-BPD related issues - it's hard for me to know for sure.

All I know is that very few things ever made sense to me or seemed like rational behavior that two caring adults would have with each other.

It took a year for me to get where I am today... .95% past the hurt and sadness, 90% past the anger, 99% 20/20 vision on how things REALLY were not how I 'wanted' them to be. Once I stopped trying to make the past and the 'good ole times' seem like something they were not, thats really when I began to heal. That and when I stopped beating myself up for being stupid and gullible.



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