I wonder if others with more higher functioning partners or pw more traits vs official diagnosis can relate... .
I feel that for me, things were especially confusing in the beginning.
The red flags literally were not waving around. My ex and I are from opposite cultures and much of what I look back on and try to find the red flags, actually can be accurately explained by some cultural and normal range personality differences.
It really, honestly, wasn't until we moved in together that

began to surface. Looking back, without FOG, and with clearer eyes, the dysfunctional dynamics only surfaced clear enough for anyone to see about 4-6 months after living together. (IMO)
Now, this has bothered me greatly and I have pondered on it A LOT.
I have wondered how could I have done things different with 20/20 hindsight? This is important to ponder as I prefer not to ever have to live with someone for half a year before discovering that a dysfunctional dynamic will ensue.
So I did come up with something that is NOW evident, that was not clear to me that first year together. (Before we moved in)
What is now clear to me is... .
L

Our motivations were always different!
I was always motivated by growth.
He was always motivated by judgement.
What I mean is, if we had conflict, I was happy and content to face it, to work together, to build a bond on a shared cooperative effort for growth of us as individuals, and growth for us as a couple together.
Whereas, he was motivated to appear good! He only worked to resolve things just so I could see he would give effort. Just so he can tell himself, "see, my exW said I can't work with others, she was wrong."
Well, as things moved along, and things changed, circumstances and situations happened, the thing that never changed was... .
I was still motivated for growth,
Whereas he was still motivated for judgement. (Even tho he changed and stopped wanting my approval... .it was still NPD about "being Mr. Good guy." Always about who was right who was wrong.)
Now that I think of it... .
ALL of his current r/s fit this same theme, every single one. He has friends at a safe distance and sees them when he is viewed as "good" to them. (So no one would really notice any PA behaviors)
So my new lesson I think I take from this... .
Is it is not enough to observe a persons actions.
To find out what is truley in their heart, you need to somehow find access to their motivations.
I know many say... .
Listen to their actions, not their words.
However, I now say... .If the person is very high functioning, it is NOT enough to just listen to their actions.
You need to somehow discover their ultimate motivation! (Now on to ponder how to discover THIS too!

)
A person can appear to be cooperative, appear to value growth, but if their motivation is to look good in someone's eyes, look good in their own eyes, the actions and behaviors they are showing can be exactly the same as a person who wants a deep committed partnership. Sometimes there is NO difference in the behaviors!
Does this make sense? I hope I explained this well enough!