The path to freedom?

[Sergeant online]

In July it will have been two years since I finally pulled stumps on a three year dance with my BPDgf.  A total of five of the toughest years of my life.

I initiated complete NC as a tool for moving on and, if I'm honest, for her to come to terms with how dependent she is of me; how I wasn't the vacuous, self-aggrandising man she painted, and in the hope that I could sit the time out waiting for her to crash and come running back on my terms.  Well, as I say, two years have passed. She has contacted me: several times by email and twice on the phone. None of which have been the reaching out of desperation that I thought would come, but merely lame work-related excuses to contact that, in her mind, could be justified professionally.

During this time I have grown and get by day to day in a fully functioning way - I am successful at work and we work for the same company, but rarely pass, and I ignore her spectacularly when we do!  Initially after the breakup, which sent me in to severe depression, I had physical relationships with two women at work. Although beautiful women, there wasn't the connection and they didn't go any further.

So, I've been working on myself and have been getting my life back together with baby steps.  But, she is always THERE in my mind!  I know the pack drill; my BPD mother and abusive childhood etc. have left me codependent, but this knowledge hasn't helped me to move on.

I read these boards whenever I feel the need to 'connect' and again, if I'm honest, I scan the topics to seek solace in those posts that talk of 'recycles' or 'reconnection' as a way of giving me something tangible to expect in lieu of time making the fog of hurt fade.

Then, unexpectedly, I found a post on another website last night. I haven't contributed before, but felt compelled to do so in the hope that it helps you to move forward as I think it will for me. It was in a response from a plea from someone struggling to come to terms with a BPD breakup. It's worth a read so here it is... .

"I can offer what I found to be true in my case. I was in pretty much the same boat, although my wounds are fresher than yours. I will not elaborate - it is always more or less the same story with all of us - but I will say that I was wise enough to break it off myself. Well, more lucky enough, because the "wisdom" I attained only later.

What happened is that I met my anima, one of the Jungian archetypes of our psyches. In a man, anima is the ideal woman, the epitome of feminine, the great compensatory force mediating between the unconscious and the conscious. When I said that I met my anima, well... .That's wherein the problem lies. I didn't "meet" my anima as much as I projected her onto my diagnosed BPD ex girlfriend. How was that possible - and so much different from usual relationships? It is because women (I can only talk from male perspective) with moderate to serious BPD are very adept at mirroring. She only had to sit and go along and let my unconscious play out my anima on her... .

So, I was and am in love with my anima. Now, anima has a dark side as well, one that invites projecting our own shadow on our BPD partners. The shadow is another psychic archetype consisting roughly of everything we don't want to be. Luckily, my ex invited this projection with her typical BPD behaviors (extreme lies and manipulation) which made me leave her. I say "luckily" because continuing the relationship would ulimately destroy me. In the hindsight, that is the best decision I ever made. Does it still hurt? Yes, definitely! But, it hurts because she lend her body to my anima and personified her. She made my anima real. And once I saw my flesh-and-blood anima, it became excruciatingly difficult to withdraw my projections and leave her. It still is, but now I know that I had no other choice. I am suffering because I still identify her with my anima. I need to accept it, good and bad, and let my anima do its function - integrate my unconscious and conscious tendencies, that is perform what she does best - the transcendental function to further the process of individuation.

If the above sounds arcane, no worries - it is arcane. But Jung was an immensely insightful man. He met his anima as well and described her in pretty much the same way. It is a necessary part to have any degree of success in the individuation process (i.e. maturing of the psyche).

The above may be a lot to process - Jung published thousands and thousands of pages, and an enormous amount of his work remains unpublished 50+ years after his death. If one is interested, it is perhaps best approached with the help of a trained Jungian analyst, although they are a rare occurence. I believe there are only about 3000 practicing trained Jungian analysts in the world.

It was a difficult realization, but an important one, for me to realize that I am as much at fault, if not more, as my ex (since she doesn't know any better) to have involved myself in such a relationship. It came from my failing to "tame" my anima and accept her properly. In the end, such a relationship is like a magical spell - it unlocks the unconsciousness. And there be dragons... .

Depression, in Jungian view, is actually a motivatir by which the unconsciousness pushes us to reverse the one-sidedness of the ego. I am coming to a realization, in my case, that brooding over my ex is actually brooding over the dissapointment that she cannot be my anima, that no person can. Other relationships (the normal ones) don't put us into such depression because those girlfriends were emotionally healthy enough to stop us projecting our animas onto them. So, the breakups didn't hurt as much because it is not that hard to walk away from something external. The BPD relationships, on the other hand, are notoriously difficult to walk away from because we are convinced that these women are our animas. That's an illusion - they are merely personifications of our animas.

So, the fact that we just can't shake our exes off of our minds, and everything else that comes with it is, contrary to the Freudian reductionist stance, a way of our psyche trying to push us into restoring and continuing a stable process of individuation. Successful individuation cannot be achieved without integrating the shadow and the anima properly into our reality.

Good luck to you! And stay strong - you will get over it. Look at it as a challenge to grow - it really is that.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

This is amazingly helpful,  Sergeant.  Feels like it is true in reverse (I am female with a male ex) but would love to learn more abt what I presume is,  in reverse, the animus.   Do you know or have thoughts on that?

This speaks to the utter power of these r/s b/c it reflects and reveals our r/s with/to ourself... .which,  in the end,  should be our most intimate of all. 

THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sergeant, It sounds like some part of you is still hoping for a recycle, which so far hasn't happened.  Usually those interested in another round are focused on the idealization phase and good times, without acknowledging the negative aspects of a r/s with a pwBPD, which are legion: chaos, rage, walking on eggshells, verbal and physical abuse, wild mood swings, confrontations, destruction of property, etc.  Maybe you could consider the "dark side" of what in Jungian terms you regard as your "anima"?  Another way of looking at it, as many here will attest after countless recycles, is that the outcome is generally the same, only with more pain.  What are your gut feelings?  :)o you really think your r/s with a pwBPD could work out over the long haul?

LuckyJim

[Sergeant online]

Being an 'expert' in Jung for less than 24 hours (!), I'm aware that he described men as having an Amena and women Anemas... .there are subtle differences between the sexes, but the principals apply. Definitely worth delving deeper on Google as I have.

The most fascinating aspect (which has really given me a spring today) is the assertion that what I'm missing is actually the projection of my own anema (if that makes sense). So having a sense that the 'super human' me that I felt in the early relationship came from within, and not from her (as it was projected), and therefore hasn't gone at all, helps me to contextualise the unique longing that I've struggled with.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Cool and thanks.   So the longing is for something (ourselves)  that we've always had and can never lose.   That is such good,  affirming news,  indeed!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

All the stuff I loved abt him is alive and well in me.   As is all the stuff I didn't like abt him.   But even that isn't bad news b/c I cannot resolve those things if I don't realize I have them.  As such,  me knowing both the good and bad abt me is very good news.   Now I can move forward! 

Indeed, weren't we frustrated that our e's wouldn't "see" and resolve these things abt themselves.   So I must do differently... .I must be willing to practice what I preach... .do what I condemned my ex for not doing... .and see all of my good and bad and use that info to recover and improve.

I am inspired and hopeful!

[Sergeant online]

That's absolutely right, Reclaiming.  It's all projection according to Jung (probably the most preeminent psychiatrist of the 20th Century);  the good in your partner was a projection of your anima, the bad was your shadow... .  BPD are unique at projection (because they are basically soulless) and this is why they are so difficult to get over, because they actually reflect the good and bad in YOU!   

As most nons are actually enabling, fixer types, and generally decent people who fall victim to BPD personalities, the 'change' required to get over a BPD relationship isn't actually about altering ourselves, but rather coming to terms with the unique opportunity this relationship had on us to mirror our internal self... .start seeing your ex as a mirror of you (the good and bad) with the sure knowledge that what you may be pinning for hasn't gone at all, and all you're missing is the projection of your inner feelings.

Very deep, I know, but utterly profound and the basis for life altering development.

[Hadlee]

As most nons are actually enabling, fixer types, and generally decent people who fall victim to BPD personalities, the 'change' required to get over a BPD relationship isn't actually about altering ourselves, but rather coming to terms with the unique opportunity this relationship had on us to mirror our internal self... .start seeing your ex as a mirror of you (the good and bad) with the sure knowledge that what you may be pinning for hasn't gone at all, and all you're missing is the projection of your inner feelings.

Very deep, I know, but utterly profound and the basis for life altering development.

Wow!  That just blew my mind.  Great post.  This stuff is fascinating.  Thank you

[ReclaimingMyLife]

A much better way for me to grapple with the "why I got in it and why I stayed"  questions.   These have been so hard.   As has been reconciling how he was so great and so destructive.  

That said,  is it fair to xall him,  or anyone,  soulless?   That seems too big/bold of a statement.   Since I cannot actually see inside anyone to make that determination.   That said,  there does seem to be something to the idea of pwBPD being a more of a blank or open canvas onto which we painted/projected the good and bad in us.  

And in the process,  it seems we somehow let our canvases be more blank than they actually were... .leaving us feeling "crazy" all the time b/c what we were being told didn't match what we've had on that canvas all these years.   Seems there is something abt projection and counter-projection going on here.   Or is it just our projection and their reflection?   We on this site talk about how much pwBPD themselves project.   How does that fit in?


Just thinking out loud here... .