I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling stuck. I've also felt that way at points. When we are hurting this much, we just want the pain to be over. Hang in there. Things really do get easier. Five months is actually still pretty early for many of us. It took me about a year until I started seeing acceptance. It's not a short process and we all take it at our own pace. Try and not be frustrated with your yourself if you aren't where you want to be. You have been hurt in a very deep way, and it is a challenging task to heal from that. It takes time. It's also not a linear process. Sometimes we move forward and sometimes backward. That's perfectly normal. I did that many times, and in some ways still do. I think almost everyone here has too, so you're in very good company.
It seems like you are blaming yourself for much of why you feel this badly. That's natural. Try and realize, however, that you did the best you could. There's no shame in falling in love with someone and trying our best to make the relationship work. I can't see fault in that. We all wish that some things had been different. We all make mistakes in relationships. The important thing is that we learn from them so we can go on to healthier, better relationships in the future. Please try and be gentle on yourself. This isn't your fault. And it's in many ways not your ex's fault. This is just BPD, and it's a terrible and tragic disorder. It causes suffering for everyone involved. Always try and remember: this is not your fault.
I know it seems hard to see an end to this, but you are doing the right things in focusing on yourself. You're in therapy. Keep applying yourself there, and healing will come. The pain will dull, and you will be able to see life beyond your ex. Even love again. It just takes some time. Hang in there.
