crazy making

[zulfiqar]

I want to get this off my chest and see if there is anyone else experiencing this.

My wife makes the situation work exactly the way she wants it: making me isolated, distancing children from my family, accusing me of secret bank accounts so that I spend more on her etc etc

Then, she showers me with affection. Hugs and kisses and 'how much do you love me' etc.

This drives me crazy as it makes me feel guilty and not normal for not wanting to respond in a loving way. Anyone? Any suggestions?  Am I losing my mind or is this normal and Im just being 'too sensitive' like she says?

[going places]

Can you give a detailed example of how your wife makes a situation work exactly the way she want it?

How is she isolating you?

Why does she keep the children from family? Is it your family, her family or all family?

How old are the kids?

What would provoke her to accuse you of secret bank accounts?

How long have you been with her (dating + marriage) ?

[zulfiqar]

Our kids are 1 and 6 years old. They are the reason Im still here otherwise I would leave for good. My kids and my issues mainly fear is what keeps me in this mess. We married 10 years ago.

One small example: When our son was born we talked about the name. So she suggested David. I like the name so I said that we will talk about it more but I like her suggestion. After couple of days I suggested a different name that sent her into a rage episode claiming that we already had an agreement. I said no we did not it was just a conversation. That did not stop her from raging. After a while as I liked the name I agreed. After that she becomes loving and affectionate and I feel like was just bullied into something making me feel angry, anxious and resentful. I do not want to be hugged just after you hurt me so much!

My parents do not like her because of the way she behaves and she does not like them. Im fine with that. But  under disguise that they are buying way too much to our children and plotting against her to alienate our babies from her she does not want them to have any contact. To make it acceptable to me she even ordered her family not to contact our children anymore. Now that I write it, it sounds so pathetic. Also I am not to visit my parents with our kids if she is not there to supervise. I do not have to say that that makes me feel humiliated and angry. If I try to talk about it she acts like everything is ok and Im just being "too sensitive".


Well, I am approaching the end of my rope and if she goes ahead and stops me from taking my kids to my parents house this summer when we go on a vacation I am going to leave her for good.

I guess Im not expecting pple on this board to solve my problems as they can't but it just feels like I need to say this to someone. Anyhow, thanks for listening.

[going places]

Was she like this before kids?

Have you sought out marriage counseling?

What does a 'rage' episode look like?

[zulfiqar]

She was not at this level before the kids. She definitely had the traits BPD/NPD but not at this level. It was manageable.

She did not want marriage counseling before when I suggested (1 year ago). Now I do not know if she would agree. Maybe I haven't asked her in a while. Just the problem is that Im not sure anymore I want it. Im very close to leaving now.

Rage episode? Well, there is no throwing things or things like that. It consists of saying really hurtful things about my family and me for as long as it takes to get a response from me. Or hitting our daughter or making her sad. Usually after couple of hours of such verbal abuse I fire back and then she can play her victim role.  

[going places]

You have to figure out where you are.

If you love her, want to spend the rest of your life with her, want the children to be in an intact 2 parent, healthy home, then you need to sit down and explain to her that these are your goals, and you are willing to do individual and couples counseling to make this happen.

Let her know that you can no longer live the way you are living because it is killing all the love that you have for her... .but you are willing to do what it takes to save the marriage. BUT she has to do her part (go to counseling, etc.)

Interesting she would attack your family, then you.

Has your family always treated her poorly and you have not 'stood up' for her?

Does she feel like she is "2nd place"?

If she has been treated poorly by your family and you have done nothing to defend her, then that is why she 'attacks'. She is hurt, and this kind of hurt breeds a deep division between you.

Hitting the child is unacceptable and for the child's sake, you need to put a stop to that RIGHT NOW.

This will have a lasting effect on the child... .

Instead of 2 hours of verbal abuse that's met with silent abuse... .schedule a meeting.

Have everything written down on paper, have someone watch the kids, and you two have a meeting where you BOTH talk, both express thoughts, ideas, opinions. You both discuss goals, desires, dreams... .etc.

This is where counseling (good counseling) can give you two tools on how to communicate effectively.

[zulfiqar]

thx for replying

I guess I will have to think about what I want. Im afraid I do not love her anymore but Im gonna calm down and talk to myself. we will see what comes up.

She has refrained from hitting our daughter so far (last 3 months) as I explained to her that I will stop her at any cost.

She feels I did not stood up for her yes but I will not stand up to my parents when I see there is nothing wrong. On some occasions I reacted and talked to my parents but the thing is she does not want to own her part in the events. She just wants me to bash my parents and put her on a pedistal. No way. Also I will have the right to visit my parents without her with my kids even if it means Ill divorce.

Wow, seems like I have a lot to think about.

thx

[going places]

The impact of divorce, being raised by a single mom, mom choosing to either not see anyone OR have a revolving door of men parading thru the home are life changing for kids.

The impact of divorce; being tossed back and forth, being put in the middle, having to be the adult, etc... .it's extremely stressful and kids will find a way to ease that stress... .

Please, think long and hard about divorce before you do it.

Good on you for protecting your daughter, but, your wife may turn on her OR you.

If the wife perceives (or it's true) that you don't / didn't defend her BUT you are defending the child, she may become enraged or jealous... .again; I cannot recommend counseling enough.

I don't know if you are a Believer or if she is a Believer, but Scripture says that a man is to 'leave' his mother and father (meaning he is no longer under their authority) and cleave to his wife. The two, become one.

She is (Biblically) supposed to be, number one in your life.

If she is not... .she will react.

Now, I don't mean "unreasonable" #1, I mean, you talk to her first, not your parents.

What have your parents done that she felt you needed to stand up for her?


My MIL is an angry, bitter woman.

Her husband of 25 years was having an affair, dropped her in the grease (with no job skill) when the kids were too old to get child support. He also waited until they moved to a state that has NO alimony. Made her sell their home, tore their family apart, left her out in the cold.

So, she chose to remain bitter and angry.

((since that is what HER son did to me, I TOTALLY understand where she was coming from, and why I choose a different path!))

She treated me horribly.

One example. X-mas 1999, we had a state of emergency blizzard. No one was allowed on the roads.

We were supposed to go to her and her bf's place for x-mas.

I said it was too dangerous, we had 3 kids, age 9, 8, 6.

She manipulated my ex, said I was being unreasonable, it's not that bad, and she would be so hurt if we didn't come.

SO we  packed up the kids and drove 35 miles into a blizzard.

When we got there, she would not speak to me, not even look at me.

Whatever, I was used to that.

Then it came time to open presents. My SIL received beautiful heirlooms; Hand sewn pillow cases, china passed down thru the family, etc.

I opened mine. it was a comb and brush set, with the 1.00 clearance sticker still on the package.

Then she had my ex, wait till last, to open his... .a 12 pack of Sam Adams.

I had a drinking problem, and she KNEW that we do NOT keep booze in our house AT ALL EVER.

I had been 100% tee totally sober for 10 years... .and ex and I said we just would not have booze in the house or at parties at our home, period.

She knew what she was doing.

So when we FINALLY got home, I told him to throw it away and tell her NEVER buy beer again. I knew what BS she was pulling and after 10 years of this crap, I was DONE.

He just didn't see what the big deal was. LOOSELY translated; he didn't care about me enough to tell his mom "hey mom, not cool".

From that day forward I told him he could go spend time w his mom, he could take the kids to go see his mom, but that witch was NOT allowed in our home, ever again.

So he just quit talking to her... .his choice, not mine.

((He's a "stick his head in the sand and hope it goes away" type))

He didn't talk to his mom for 15 years. By his choice.

Now that we are divorced, he talks to her... .and says it was all my fault they didn't talk.

What a load of crap.

SO the reason for this one story (and there are HUNDREDS more like this) is if your wife has been mistreated by your folks, and you have never defended her; this is why she does not want them around. They are a reminder that she is "2nd best".

Communication is everything.

Sit down and write out what you want 'life' to look like... .have your wife do the same.

Then you two work on the obtainable goals.

I simply cannot recommend counseling enough.

[zulfiqar]

I respect your opinion but will never accept what your husband did namely that my parents cant cone to my house. Also I shall visit them with my kids no matter what.

Anyhow thank you and I accept your advice about counseling.

[going places]

It was only his mother. His father was fine... .And always welcome.

A deep resentment grew in my heart towards him. He never defended me, and never communicated with me.

However... .He was abusive and falls firmly in the NPD / ASPD grouping.

Your situation may be very different!

I hope things work out for you, and you find a direction that is best for the marriage and children involved.

We went to counseling when it was too late and too much damage had been done. I hope you and your wife do what is needed to repair the damage and grow together as a family!