A bad day - one week post breakup

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Feeling sad today – almost a week post break-up….message on my voicemail and a phone call the day after, a few texts from him the day after, then almost 3 days NC, and then he’s been popping up on me for the last two days at my workplace parking lot and stirring up the emotions. I know he’s ill and that he won’t change, the relationship had become so toxic and I’ve never hurt so bad and cried so much over someone and been so confused about a relationship, but yet I had never so deeply believed that I had met my soulmate. I know I needed to get out. I know I can’t go back there and it will never work and that the guy I fell in love with does not really exist and I that I can’t live in a constant roller coaster.

But I still kind of miss that guy and love him…when things were good, they were SO GOOD…We love someone that we realize does not exist, but it does not take the pain away. From our side of the story, it was real. I know I have to let go of this, and it’s a process and today is not a good day. Today I miss that guy so bad and I feel sad that he’s in pain and that no one can help him but himself, and that’s not likely to happen anytime soon…

[Yolanda123]

Feeling sad today – almost a week post break-up….message on my voicemail and a phone call the day after, a few texts from him the day after, then almost 3 days NC, and then he’s been popping up on me for the last two days at my workplace parking lot and stirring up the emotions. I know he’s ill and that he won’t change, the relationship had become so toxic and I’ve never hurt so bad and cried so much over someone and been so confused about a relationship, but yet I had never so deeply believed that I had met my soulmate. I know I needed to get out. I know I can’t go back there and it will never work and that the guy I fell in love with does not really exist and I that I can’t live in a constant roller coaster.

But I still kind of miss that guy and love him…when things were good, they were SO GOOD…We love someone that we realize does not exist, but it does not take the pain away. From our side of the story, it was real. I know I have to let go of this, and it’s a process and today is not a good day. Today I miss that guy so bad and I feel sad that he’s in pain and that no one can help him but himself, and that’s not likely to happen anytime soon…

[DyingLove]

Feeling sad today – almost a week post break-up….message on my voicemail and a phone call the day after, a few texts from him the day after, then almost 3 days NC, and then he’s been popping up on me for the last two days at my workplace parking lot and stirring up the emotions. I know he’s ill and that he won’t change, the relationship had become so toxic and I’ve never hurt so bad and cried so much over someone and been so confused about a relationship, but yet I had never so deeply believed that I had met my soulmate. I know I needed to get out. I know I can’t go back there and it will never work and that the guy I fell in love with does not really exist and I that I can’t live in a constant roller coaster.

But I still kind of miss that guy and love him…when things were good, they were SO GOOD…We love someone that we realize does not exist, but it does not take the pain away. From our side of the story, it was real. I know I have to let go of this, and it’s a process and today is not a good day. Today I miss that guy so bad and I feel sad that he’s in pain and that no one can help him but himself, and that’s not likely to happen anytime soon…

Amen Yolanda

[klacey3]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I think most of us here feel this way at least at some point. The only thing I can say is try to remain no contact and time will heal.

[Isa_lala]

I totally understand you as i am in a pre break-up. And I feel the same way... .

But don't say that no one can help him but you. He definitely can seek for help if he does want to cure himself.

My best wishes and cheers

[Yolanda123]

Thank you DyingLove, klacey3 & Isa_Iala for reading me and for your advice.

No contact is definitely the best thing to do now. After him popping up the last two days at my work, I was dreading leaving the office today, but he was not there.

I’m trying to avoid questioning how he’s feeling, but I can’t help it…I imagine it’s more panic at being alone, than missing me as a person or missing us. He’s already started to paint me black…that went fast. A work colleague that is friends with him got a message from him on her voice mail this morning (he owed her some money so used that as an excuse to call I guess since they had not talked/texted for a while) and he’s talking about me saying how I must be so happy that I got rid of him and must be flirting with all the guys at work. I have been single for over 5 years before meeting him so…he does not know me at all…I know it’s the illness, but it hurts anyway. So I am trying very hard not to take it personal but it’s not easy. It seems unfair that I am hurting and trying to make sense of all this, and he'll just go on with his life turning me into this bad person and jumping to the next girl who will fall for his personae.  

[Yolanda123]

As for therapy, he's not even remotely close to acknowledge he has problems and needs help. I suggested once that we go to therapy together (that was even before I had realized he had BPD, I just thought we needed help to resolve our issues, the way things could degenerate so bad just with the smallest thing) and he was not open at all to it. I went a few times by myself and he saw that as something negative, as if I was doing it against him, even though I repeated that I just wanted our r/s to get better and wanted help.

[Isa_lala]

Yolanda, my BF also thinks I flirt with everyone. He created from knowing nothing about my life before him, a very negative character he is sure I was... .

That's illness... .We must not take it personal ... .

[Yolanda123]

Exactly, he saw me as this predator woman who was seeking every men's attention... .if I was 10 minutes late somewhere because of traffic he would say Did a man talk to you, if I did not reply to his texts fast enough, he would think I was with a guy... .nights he went to his apartment he would call and text non-stop to make sure I was alone, he checked my cell phone, went through my credit card bills, and God knows what else he did... .

[UserName69]

But I still kind of miss that guy and love him…when things were good, they were SO GOOD…We love someone that we realize does not exist, but it does not take the pain away. From our side of the story, it was real. I know I have to let go of this, and it’s a process and today is not a good day. Today I miss that guy so bad and I feel sad that he’s in pain and that no one can help him but himself, and that’s not likely to happen anytime soon…

Just move on and block him. That's what I did with my exBPD, they can't be fixed. I got rid of everything that reminds me of her and I kept my self busy, I started new hobbies and it made me forget about her. That's the only way to move on, I don't miss or love her. Even if she would contact me I would tell her to take a hike because I know there is a chance she might try to contact me in the future. I'm glad she's out of my life, you just can't have a relationship with a pwBPD. You shouldn't feel sad for his behavior, he's responsible for himself. My exBPD used to cut herself when we had a fight, at our fight she did too and I told myself I don't need to feel guilty it's not like I have cut her she did it herself.

Since I have been dating an another girl I just can't believe how awful my exBPD was/is, the rs we had was just not normal. Can you imagine 14 breakups in 6 months? No need for me to stay in a ___ty rs like that. Move on!

[Yolanda123]

Thank you UN69... .that is good advise 

That's what I'm doing... .moving on... .

He texted me yesterday and left me a message this morning and I did not reply. NC is what I have to do. Things are better today, I know this r/s was totally toxic and that nothing would ever change, only get worse.

I just have an uneasy feeling that he can pop up anywhere, and he seems to be texting or leaving messages when I expect it the least, being silent for a few days and then sending a random/rather confused text message... .It's a very immature and selfish way to deal with a breakup... .

I'm determined to not let him take control over my life, now that the r/s is over. And when I feel sorry for him, I remind myself that he does not feel much for me except some kind of unhealthy need?

I understand when you say it's not normal to breakup 14 times in 6 months... .I lost count of the breaks/breakups after a while.

I'm glad you are doing well and met someone (normal) else - good for you :-) wishing you the best

[WhatJustHappened?]

I know how you feel and I'm sorry you're having a rough go. There will be good days and bad days. Just remember the good ones will be there too. Today happens to be a bad day.

Interesting words/themes that seem common:

1.) soulmate

2.) constant roller coaster

3.) When things were good, they were GOOD!

[Yolanda123]

Thank you WJH?  yes very interesting 

[UserName69]

If you really want to stop loving him you should only think about the bad things he did. It actually works. Some people use no contact to get their partner back, normally after 3 weeks your partner won't be upset anymore because he/she is going to remember only the good things, once you contact your partner he will get you back.

I never knew about this but me and my exBPD broke up for almost a month, after 3/4 weeks she contacted me and we got back together (again  ). She told me that she always was checking her phone and hoped I would contact her. I guess no contact has two outcomes, your ex can miss you a lot (if he thinks about the good memories) or he can hate you (if he remembers only the bad things). I decided to go for the second option. They can't be fixed.

[Yolanda123]

Thank you UN69

I agree, the most helpful thing for me now is thinking about the bad things he did. Whenever good memories come up, I refocus on the bad. I understand the break-up/getting back together, I've been there too... .but the longest b/u lasted only a week and a half, with me trying NC but he would not stop contacting me and convinced me to get back together... .again... .it was perfect for 2 weeks, then it went back to bad, or I should say to WORSE... .So I am realistic, and I know that he will never change and there's nothing he could say or do that could change my mind... .I've heard it all already. I don't want him back. My reason is prevailing on my feelings. 

You're right, they can't be fixed.