Not sure how to move forward with lack of contact.

[sweetheart]

Hi all,

I don't often post as I have been able to muddle through quite successfully for a while now. However I have a dilemma that I need some help with.

Bit of back story first though.

DBPDh has been extremely unwell on and off for last two years. Hospitalised four times over that time which really helped him reset himself mentally each time.

With the implementation of the lessons, improved understanding of the illness, better boundaries and a good hard look at myself, and a really good treatment package, dBPDh has moved from being out of control dysregulated, abusing prescription and OTC medications, to ODing whenever he couldn't cope, with much of the dysregulation directed at me to not doing these things. Sounds great doesn't it ?

It was great until he was attacked by a group of men last October ( not known  to him ) he was in a skate park skating and they accused him of being a paedophile and attacked him. Police were called, men ran away, husband arrested for affray until they looked at CCTV and realised he was the victim. Let go no charges. However since the attack he has not been well at all, started carrying a Swiss Army knife 'for protection' became really paranoid, hypervigilant, believed he was being followed and that people were out to get him. Hospitalised twice since Christmas, but was stopped and searched by police in February and was charged with Possession of an Offensive weapon. Courts asked for psychiatric report outlining treatment plan and a forensic assessment. We all thought including his P and his solicitor that he would either get a Community Treatment Order or secure forensic facility. He didn't get either he got a prison sentence of six months, will serve three. Will be out in August.

My reason for the post is that he was in regular contact phone calls and weekly letters to both me and our son ( son doesn't know where he is ), asking for photos and pictures from s7. Then he had his appeal last Friday the decision was upheld. I saw him on the day as I went to court, he looked absolutely dreadful.  I haven't heard anything from him in two weeks, it's like he has dropped off the face of the earth.

I have continued writing, sending photos, pictures etc, I've skirted around the lack of contact by saying, 'Its been a while since we heard from you, write if you can't afford to phone. Let me know how things are etc I'm trying to keep it low key.

However I want to know if I can address his lack of contact in a letter or just leave it and carry on doing what I'm doing. Or should I just stop writing to him altogether, it's like writing into a black hole ?

I'm trying not to mind read, but I am prone to that, and there is every possibility that he will just disappear on release as he believed he was being persecuted locally by people he felt were judging him for his past and the prison sentence confirmed this belief.

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[Stalwart]

Hey Sweetheart:

Sorry for the situation all of you are in presently.


Glad you’re here. It sounds like your family has really been going through a series of really bad times for everyone... I’m so afraid that having the appeal turned down help to cement the situation is he is in, what he’s done and how it’s affected you and your family. Prior to that there was hope, when that failed and new reality has to take place for the situation he finds himself in.


Question:” he believed he was being persecuted locally by people he felt were judging him for his past” what past events does he feel people will judge him on?


I’d like to take a stab at your concern in the disconnection of cutting off contact with you right now and it’s just food for thought relating to his situation and how his illness may affect his decisions there. I’m not saying this is the case with your husband but it is so common to others that it’s something to think about.



When a person leaves (even temporarily),the person with BPD  may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. That’s why he really wanted the pictures to have something tangible to see and hold on to to help enforce the connection.


It’s kind of like the saying, Out of sight, out of mind. It’s not an intentional reaction. It’s got it’s real tangible reasons in the psyche of someone with BPD for two really distinct reasons.


They can’t believe other people hold them in their memories. From his view it would sound something like this: “If I’m not around, or I am not in some form of contact/communication with them, I don’t exist in their world. I have a  hard time holding onto the thought that people remember me, hold me dear or care for me when I am not in their physical presence. Out of sight, no longer connected. It goes deeper though on this first contingency of thinking.


“I also have a hard time holding onto the emotions I feel for those I care about, and when I do manage to I also manage to convince myself that I am the only one that feels this way and no one else could possibly share my depth of emotion though I desperately hope they do. This creates a feeling of panic and loss for something that may actually be there and I need to find a way to reaffirm these feelings in myself and others every time. I can’t do that when I’m not in connection with them.” And there’s initially when you saw him really wanting reminders. Often, BPD  people separated want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations to really try and help hold on to this connection they know is slipping away.


The problem is, especially after his hearing was turned down this same thinking transgresses even further in his psyche.


It’s a real maddening cycle of doubt, loss, connection and disconnection they have to internalize to try and rationalize their emotions but the only real way to resolve the confusion is to slowly disassociate from the situation that is causing them the strain, confusion  and hurt. It becomes so overwhelming to deal with in isolation that leads to disconnection from the emotional hurt and situation.


Dissociation helps him  here because after the initial fear and anxiety, this emotions deaden. It’s like an override safety switch that when the anxiety of separation becomes too much the ‘switch’ just shuts off to protect him emotionally. He becomes numb to the experience and detached in many cases from his own existences he left behind and himself.  Detached from his own mind and body in some cases it becomes logical that others wouldn’t be attached to him when he is not  even attached to himself.


There is also the guilt for all of this happening and how he perceives this in relation to a really challenged sense of self-worth already. He may be thinking you are better off without him. That he only brings hardship to you and that he isn’t worth you. These are really powerful feelings of self-loathing, far more so than we could imagine and how they play on his mind and thinking. For every invalidating feeling even as he grew up a child he will now fall back into them as validation of his uselessness.  Suffering  extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others makes them feel they don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes. He may well feel that No matter what he does, it won't make a difference; he will  always will be a failure, worthless and unlovable.


Extreme self- loathing, and how could you not feel like that in prison given his illness validating that in his mind, can so easily lead to a full disconnect just in order to handle the pain on one side and not inflict any more pain or problems on you as well.


Question still remains, what do you think you can do to override all these feelings and try to keep him connected and engaged?

[sweetheart]

Hi stalwart,

Thanku for such a considered reply. My husband had a very troubled past, he would have been well known in the local area with all sorts of dodgy people. However he has an extremely distorted paranoid view of the world now 20 years on, informed by this link to his past. He has been in prison before, but not since I have known him, this was the world he knew before he met me. He never expected this to happen and neither did I.

The awful thing is I kind of anticipated this no contact would happen, but when he started phoning and writing the first few weeks I thought ' great everything's going to be ok. He even apologised which he never has and I've never expected it as he is very unwell man.

His letters were loving and positive, so were his calls, he seemed as though he was coping really well. Then I saw him at the appeal and realised perhaps he wasnt coping as well as he's letting on, he looked really ill. He looked like he was using. :'(

I've purposely kept away from talking about anything to do with the situation he is in when I write and when he's phoned. I'm just keeping things light. A letter each week and an email or occasional card. Talking about what I'm doing, our sons antics, taking photos, pictures from our son7.

I am scared he will just slip away from us and I don't want that to happen. I really don't know what to do for the best.

[sweetheart]

I suppose in answer to your question about what I can do to help him stay connected, it would be to stay in contact. Be constant and loving and carry on having a conversation with him about our day to day life.

I've just read your Object Constancy piece, which made me realise I need to carry on doing what I did every time he was hospital or went missing, which was to keep in contact. Tell him I love him, that we are here waiting for him to come home. 

[Stalwart]

Hey Sweetheart it's really a difficult situation that you're in and I'm really sorry that you do find yourself in the situation.

Looks to me like you're doing all you can. I'd just keeping doing exactly what you are if you do hope he returns to you and it's apparent you do.

Updates on the son are great. Pictures of you and your place are great.

If I were to try and focus a little closer on the goal of having him want to return (which I'm really thinking he will.) might be to add the plans you would like to see together when he does. Plans that include him and get him involved in also making the decisions. Plans like work to do on the house or places you should go together. All things that enforce life will be just as normal when this is over and we are together again. Let him see himself in the future with you and know for certain that he is welcome in  it and you want him there. there isn't even a doubt going on about it.

The pics of the son are great and a little letter from him would too. You make sure you include pictures of yourself in the package as well. You need to stay in his face and in his thoughts. what those pictures are, well that up to you but keep yourself present in his thinking.

I hope you're wrong and he doesn't have access to drugs in there (stupid to think he wouldn't have access) That will only help him disassociate even more at least for the time he's in there struggling through this. I wish him the best and to keep all the strenght he has.

I can't imagine what 'his stay' is in this prison but it must be really challenging fitting in and just being focused on getting out the other side without more problems so I feel for the situation he's in.

Anyway, from what I see you're doing everything is just great.  

The rest will have to be up to him.

[sweetheart]

 I will embellish my letters a bit more, make them about him too.

Thanks so much stalwart, your response really helped.

[vortex of confusion]

Before jumping to any conclusions about his lack of contact, keep in mind that he is in prison. If there was any kind of altercation, he could be in lock dock or he may have had some of his privileges revoked. Or, if he is being transferred between facilities for any reason, then that could prevent him from writing as well. Stuff happens in prison that can prevent a person from contacting you. It may have nothing to do with you.

Is there a way to call the prison and find out if he has been transferred or if something else is going on?

Are you able to visit him in person?

[Jessica84]

VOC makes a very good point. I would recommend a forum called Prison Talk Online. They are a wealth of information where you can ask questions about a specific unit and find out if there's a reason beyond his control for his lack of contact. Prison is a dreadful place and your support probably means more than you know, even if he isn't responding. Add in the BPD and he probably fears that you will abandon him because of it. Don't stop writing him. I'm so sorry your family is going through this. 

[sweetheart]

VOC with visiting he thought he could send me a Visiting Order that I filled and sent back to the prison, but he had to provide them with my details instead. He didn't know my date of birth, my full name, even our post code. I know this because when I went to book they told me my details did not match, but I can't change them, he has to.

I've decided to send in a separate piece of paper with correct details on so that he just has to hand that in.

I never thought about lockdown or problems in the prison, I just thought all things BPD. I didn't think of calling the prison either. So I will do that today.

Thanks Jessica84, I'm in the UK, but I will look for something similar,

[sweetheart]

Hello all,

He just phoned   

VOC you were right, he was moved to a lower category open area and my number did not carry through on the system and it took them a week to sort out the number.

He said the photos are making all the difference, but he feels and sounds really down. He is due for review on the 22nd for early release which is great.

Thanks everyone.

It's worth reminding myself that it isn't always about the illness or me.

[Notwendy]

Sweetheart you are a very strong person! I am glad you are able to resume contact.

Stalwart, I am always impressed by your posts and I learn a lot from them. It has clarified a lot of behaviors that have confused me. One is that my H is in general a strong, independent person in his work and didn't seem to "need" me much at all. I hardly ever leave town because of the kids, but the few times I have, he is very anxious, out of proportion to the few days I am gone. Once, in the days before cell phones, I went out with a girlfriend to shop and he could not get a hold of me.

He got frantic- called our mutual friends, people we worked with, where we were staying. Recently I visited friends out of town- it was a large get together. I was with other family members. He had their numbers. He wanted the phone numbers of everyone else who was at the event.

After validating his fears, I responded that I was with several relatives, and he had their numbers, along with the hosts of the event. The other people were not his friends and I felt it was a boundary violation to give out their numbers without asking them first.  Still, he was frantic over possibly not being able to get ahold of me even if he had my number and several others.

What you described, the lack of object consistency and the panic when the person is out of sight explains this.

[vortex of confusion]

He said the photos are making all the difference, but he feels and sounds really down. He is due for review on the 22nd for early release which is great.

Thanks everyone.

It's worth reminding myself that it isn't always about the illness or me.

No, it isn't always about the illness or you. Being in prison can create a whole slew of emotions. When he gets out, there might be other things to deal with that the average person doesn't even realize.

There may be foods that he hates. Certain things might set him off that have absolutely nothing to do with you but with the stuff that goes on in prison. Being in prison is very difficult and is likely to make things a lot more difficult for you to figure out and deal with when he does get out.

Does he have any classes or anything like that available to him while he is there? If so, you might encourage him to pursue that to help him pass the time and keep him from stewing so much. In there, all he has is time to stew.

[sweetheart]

VOC he's not capable of those kinds of things, his anxiety is crippling and his paranoia will be of the chart. He is struggling to leave his cell each morning. He also has a diagnosis of schizophrenia. 

He said today that they had forgotten to give him his antipsychotic and anti anxiety meds for four days prior to and including the day he was in court for the appeal. I was really shocked by how truly terrible he looked. And yes food will be an issue too, he looked gaunt.

It's hard to convey just how low functioning my husband is. ( he didn't use to be )

I can hear he is struggling, but is guarded in his conversation because he knows the calls can be listened to. It's all his worse paranoid fears at once.

He has a really good comprehensive treatment and care plan in place in the community. They are aware of everything as I am linked in through their Carer Support Services. I have no doubt he will very shortly be in hospital again once he is released. He is fortunate in that he can elect to go to hospital if he feels he's not coping.

Thanks Notwendy xx

[Stalwart]

Hey NotWendy  Most times a lot of us have things in common we see.

Sweetheart honestly right at the moment I know who to feel worse for, you or your friend. I sure hope he gets out of there early and all goes well.

You stay in touch OK. Everybody's pulling for you.