Is she cheating... advice please

[musicfan]

I need some advice as I am not female and do not have BPD.  My wife has PBD and is in a program that holds weekly group therapy sessions.  Recently she has started texting a guy from class and this has started making me wonder.  If not physical (yet) is it coming?  Emotionally I know it is a yes.  She texts him all day everyday.  She has told me his name and that they understand each other and that I am over reacting/controlling and that she can have male friends.  Now when it comes to BPD I don't always fully understand what she goes through and is thinking.  Maybe I can't have the same conversation as someone that is going through it as well.  I am just wondering if this is going down a slippery slope or is it nice for people with BPD to have a relationship they are in therapy with outside of therapy?

We are married with 2 kids but I don't think it matters.

Any advice would be welcome!

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[Stalwart]

tough one my friend and I can certainly see your concerns.

Not to make it worse but she is going be feeling for one of the first times in her life that someone really understands her and can relate to her. A lot owuld also depend on the other guys motivations. Is he married?

So she can text and talk to anyone anytime at her own discretion. I guess you've accepted that as being OK. Do you have the same lack of boundry in texting and dealing with females? Is this shared situation of communications freedom regardless of the other's thoughts on it?

I have few boundaries I impose on my wife and when I do it's because I've already imposed them on myself equally. Awareness of communications with others is one and no inappropriate communications with a person of the other sex is another. This stems as an after mass of her having had an affair. So a boundary became a real neccesity. but I share equally in the same expectations of following those boundaries and common respects.

You have a legitimate concern. Do you have the ability to sit with her on your feelings about this without being accusational or really confrontational and get boundries on this set for both of you in a reasonable fashion that won't cause huge issues making it worse?

"is it nice for people with BPD to have a relationship they are in therapy with outside of therapy?" I'd say it would great for her to have that connection if it was a female. Why did she choose and realte to a male for this and again, a lot depends on his moral compass and intentions.

[vortex of confusion]

What is the history between you and your wife? Has she cheated before?

Some people with BPD never cheat. There is no way of predicting whether or not her having a male friend will lead to cheating.

Is it general therapy or is it for a specific problem?

I think it is good for all people to have relationships with people that understand them. I think a lot of people have developed friendships on this forum because we understand each other and the struggles.

Are you comfortable with your wife having male friends? Some people aren't okay with spouses having friends of the opposite gender.

[musicfan]

Thanks for the posts!  I don't know the guy so I really have no clue what his intentions are.  She used to do the same with female people in her group but there was a huge falling out.  That is why I thought she wouldn't get involved with someone from group therapy again.  And you nailed it when you said for once she has someone that can relate.  Scary to think of what would happen if 2 people with PBD got together... .I have expressed my feeling but it ends in a huge blow out.  We had date night on sat and she spent the whole day texting him.  Even right beside me in the movie theater... .I think me typing that last sentence gave me my answer sadly

[vortex of confusion]

Thanks for the posts!  I don't know the guy so I really have no clue what his intentions are.  She used to do the same with female people in her group but there was a huge falling out.  That is why I thought she wouldn't get involved with someone from group therapy again.  And you nailed it when you said for once she has someone that can relate.  Scary to think of what would happen if 2 people with PBD got together... .I have expressed my feeling but it ends in a huge blow out.  We had date night on sat and she spent the whole day texting him.  Even right beside me in the movie theater... .I think me typing that last sentence gave me my answer sadly

That kind of behavior is just plain rude whether she is talking to a male or female. If that happens again, is there any way that you could set a boundary such as, "Hey, date night is over. I am not going to spend my night watching you text." (Or something like that.)

[maxsterling]

I agree with Vortex - my wife does this.  She claims I never talk to her at home.  Part of the reason is she is ALWAYS browsing facebook or texting.  At least once per every 5 minutes, even immediately after and during sex.   My feeling?  If she is on the phone, she is busy.  She made that choice.  I'm not going to try to have a conversation with her if she appears busy.   

As for the cheating - I'm not sure I agree with the concept of "emotional cheating".  Frankly, I would be happy if my wife would occasionally get her emotional needs met by someone other than me Especially since I need to, because I rarely get my emotional needs met from her.  Physical cheating?  It could lead to that.  I'd keep a close eye out, especially if she has a history of cheating.

[vortex of confusion]

As for the cheating - I'm not sure I agree with the concept of "emotional cheating".  Frankly, I would be happy if my wife would occasionally get her emotional needs met by someone other than me Especially since I need to, because I rarely get my emotional needs met from her. 

I completely agree with you on this maxsterling! I know that I have tried to encourage my husband to talk to guys, girls, anybody other than me because it is way too much to expect me to meet all of his emotional needs. Get a counselor. Go to your meetings. Talk to people in your games. I am not his therapist.

[Turkish]

Even if the guy were gay, constant texting is an indication of more than being buddies. If it's group therapy, then he has issues, too, and probably lacks boundaries.

This is how my exes affair started. I got similar flack, "what, so I can't have guy friends?" That's JADE, in short, not a mature response. (I never had problems with her other guy friends). She's emotionally limited. He probably is, too... .And he's a guy.

[mindwise]

It's ok to have friends from the opposite sex and it's understandable they have a connection through therapy sessions. I would start to worry the moment she starts hiding this guy from you. I find the best stance is a balance between not losing your center (trusting her) and stating your values (no cheating in the relationship).

I've been in situations in which my BPDgf starts getting close with other "guys" or "gals" and have come to understand that she needs the attention, the ego boost, the "high" from new people. If I maintain my cool, she shares these people with me and what works is to make a connection with these people too because they tend to respect me/us.

It's a fine line and not a comfortable place to be longterm. TRUST but VERIFY.

Be cool, centered, loving but state VERY clear that cheating is UNACCEPTABLE.

Best of luck,

MW

[Ceruleanblue]

I think this would be an issue in any marriage, but of course when BPD is involved, it's even scarier. BPD usually means low boundaries and poor impulse control. Many an affair has been started from impulse.

She has a right to have friends, but she can't play the friend card, when she's acting as way more than just friendly. Constant texting is something more, even if it's just fulfilling an emotional need. Ego boost, comfort, whatever, it's still inappropriate, at least to me.