Did your pwBPD ever warn you about him/herself?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

He said he had issues.  That was one of many warnings. 

I chose to enter the r/s anyway because I clearly had my own unresolved issues.

[blissful_camper]

He said he had issues.  That was one of many warnings. 

I chose to enter the r/s anyway because I clearly had my own unresolved issues.

[Turkish]

Before we were romantically involved, I took her on a weekend trip to see my friends. On the way, we were talking, and she stared into the distance and said, "with me, you'll get both heaven and hell." I should have asked her to clarify, but I didn't, thinking I could handle it. People shouldn't have to be "handled" in healthy relationships. Anyway... .

I got neither.

[Susan Sunday]

even thought it only repeats many of the threads from before me, i decided to share some of my exes warnings and hints. in my case, i remember that i didn't ignore them, i even took them very serious and they were one of the reasons for me to stay with him - i believed that if i would show him that i am not so easy to push away, that i am not falling for his detaching strategies but could give him space and stability in instead - he would stop pushing: but he didn't. the reasons for their warning comments, i guess, are multifaceted: sometimes they simple want to warn us, sometimes they are scarred of themselves and their feelings (in conscious moments and in case they have the ability for meta reflection), sometimes they put on the identity of a dangerous unpredictable person because they thing they make themselves more attractive and mysterious that way, sometimes they want the other person to feel sorry and stay, it might gain them power over a person cause the other person would think: he/ she is more self-reflective than he/ she actually is and become careless (i am not sure if ive explained that well?), it can also give us the feeling - that this time he/ she is planning on changing something and therefor it makes us stay. generally i think, that there is something very self-centered if not to say narcissist about it, a need to feel special - to create an identity out of self observed behavior - because there is not much more to create an identity from and as many other patters it is a sign for a very unstable self. if we are in love, than we want to fix it, we want them to trust us, which is a good thing - it speaks for our ability to trust in ourselves, in love and the people we meet. i don't believe in "being blinded"  i believe that very often there are healthy reasons for why we are reacting in certain ways - but they are not safe with a disordered partner. i also don't believe that it is contradictory, to at the one hand see whats going on with you, but on the other hand not to be able to change it and then to find ways of blaming others for the failure. i guess we are all to some extend doing it. the people with BPD or npd that we love or loved, can't or refuse to take responsibility for their actions, but that is their thing - and needs to be accepted, but we do always have the choice and i don't think that it is connected to any of the warnings - it is not about: "i have told you so!" it is about to understand our own reasons for why we wanted to be there for them and also to analyze the structures of abusive behavior - since almost all of us here experienced it enough - and for me pre-announcing a push is clearly abusive and the idea is to keep people in a loop - its also a sign for indecisiveness that generates itself from unrealistic, over-romantic ideas of rs or friendships - and it also might relieve some pressure that they feel in social situations - so if you keep a door open, its easier to breath.

here is some of the stuff he told me:

"i am very pessimistic about relationships"

"i don't believe in working in a relationship"

"i am an idiot, that always pushes people away"

"there are many things that are coming with me, that you don't want"

"i am an ass"

"i am allergic to people"

"you can stick around, if you are brave enough"

"you deserve better"

"one day you will hate me"

the last one is a good example, cause i really wanted him to see that i don't hate him. it even sticks to me until today (5 month off) - and sometimes i hope he knows that i don't, but on the other hand i don't even know what his concept of hating is, how he even remembers me or us ... .so, for them all this might even mean something very different than what it means to us - but i am sure it keeps us with them longer.

   

[DestroyedKnight]

Only upon reflection and having time to sit down and ponder over everything have I had insight into all the glaring red flags that I chose to ignore right at the beginning but MY GOD there were red flags and why I ignored them I will never ever know as long as I live

She told me her name was actually different to what it was for at least a good few weeks of our relationship

Told me she drove a car and had passed her driving test which was a lie

Told me the girl who I had initially been speaking to on an online dating site had killed herself and that she had seen my messages and photos and really wanted to get to know me.

Told me she had been sexually abused by her late father but would never discuss it or would get incredibly angry if it was mentioned.

Since the split WOW that mask certainly did come off! pure disgusting vile evil has been spewed in my direction or by way of sick and twisted mind games. Funny thing is I used to call her my angel all the time haha.

2 main questions that ruminate with me is why did I ignore all the  ? and how did she keep up this pretense for nearly 9 years?

[gomez_addams]

He said he had issues.  That was one of many warnings. 

I chose to enter the r/s anyway because I clearly had my own unresolved issues.

For me, the serenity comes from knowing and accepting my own role in starting and continuing the relationship. If I put all the blame on the stbx's BPD, I haven't really grown.

But when I embrace my own character defects that enabled me to ignore red flags, I get one step closer to having those defects removed... .Or at least a having them defanged.

Gomez

[SummerStorm]

Yes, I had many warnings.  But at the time, she hadn't been diagnosed yet, and I had no idea what BPD even was.  She just told me that she suffered from depression.  But here is what I got:

"Life is too short to have sex with one person for the rest of your life."

"I am a waste.  I am a total waste."

"I act in a socially unacceptable way and forget that it offends people."

"I will only hurt you in the end."

"You deserve better than me."

"You have a tender love for me, and I have a carnal, passionate desire for you."

"I am trying to figure out if my lust for you is tied to my love for.you or if it's the basis of my love for you.  The second one has ended a lot of my relationships because lust fizzles out pretty quickly."

"I have lived five different places in the past year.  I need stability."

"I crave human contact."

"My stepmom kicked me out and threw my stuff out in the yard."

"One of my exes just packed up and left one day."

"I have no friends."

[Beach_Babe]

"I don't think I have the ability to love. I mean I can be infatuated with someone, obsessed even but love I don't think so. I just don't seem to have the same need for that as,other people."

Said back in 2007. Should have run then.

[Sosoconfused]

Mine did and said the following:

- Sent me a lot of articles on depression

- Said, "I don't know who I am and I don't feel like I belong on earth"

- Said, "I am a sad person and you deserve better."

- Always accused me of cheating

- Said, "You are gonna leave me for someone better, I know it."

- Said, "I have no friends."

So much more

[Tomzxz]

I cant remember all of the things she said but these are the statements that stand out - Roughly in chronological order.

"I'm a hopeless romantic."

"I have an unhealthy relationship with books."  Addiction.

General appearance was waif like.

"I put people on pedestals." First date.

"I never forget and don't forgive."

She didn't get along with her now dead bi polar mother.

She didn't get along with her codependent father.

She didn't get along with her brother.

She didn't get along with her grandmother.

Had no friends when I met her.

"I don't have a filter."

"I hold grudges."

House was in terrible condition.

Box of condoms on her night stand but said she didn't have a boyfriend or sex after fibroid surgery for 11 months.

"You deserve better than me."

"I know I'm selfish."

"I have depression and anxiety."

"Mothers don't like me"

"At 18, I gave up my son for adoption."  not so bad but there is more

"The father of my son hit me and was put into a mental institution. His family had an intervention with me to stop seeing him as they said I caused his breakdown and his need to be put on lithium." Paraphrased but you get the gist.

She carried 70K in student loans and cc debt.

"I'm worried one of these days you will wake up and realize you can do better than me."  I did.

"My ex and I went to couples therapy and I was diagnosed passive aggressive."

"I have been engaged three times."

"I was married to my ex for six months."

"I've never gotten a piece of the rock." Her insensitive and impersonal perspective about a diamond engagement ring.

"If you hurt me they won't detect the poison."

"I haven't had any woman friends for ten years."

"Sex was never really important to me."

"I'm a b___."

"Your car got you the second date, you got yourself the third."

"My best friend slept with my ex husband to get back at me."

"I'm a home wrecker." Letter to ex lover.

"I feel empty inside." Journal entry.

"I feel smothered like I have to be a smaller person to be in all my relationships." Letter to ex lover and journal entry's.

"I have run out of stories to tell." A few weeks before the breakup.

"Your the longest I've consecutively been with anyone - 2.5 years; don't let it go to your head."   Days before the breakup.

And my personal favorite... .

"If I knew your car was an older model I wouldn't have dated you."  Meant as a joke?

[Chrisbazsky77]

While my exBPDh and I were seperated and leading up to final split, he mentioned a few times:

" Best you move on with your life, I'm disturbed"

"I feel like a demon has control of me"

"I will kill my mother-this is the only way to sort her out"

And when we were dating, he mentioned that he "cannot be alone for too long" (referring to relationships).

To be honest-even if he warned me upfront that he was a Borderline-I would still stuck by his side because I didn't know then(about the disorder and myself) what I do now.