Elderly pwBPD and you being a next of kin

[Isus]

I'm an only child of my divorced (several times) dBPD dad, who is in his seventies.

He would throw a huge fit if anyone called him elderly, but despite him being in amazing shape considering all the drinking and drugging, he actually is around his seventies. And he is all alone, I'm the only one left. His drinking and drugging buddies have all drank themselves to grave or out of their wits. Those of his ex wives still alive do not want anything to do with him. He has some younger buddies left and some people he has known for long time (and doesn't get along half of the time) but in the end I'm the only one to take a caretaker role when that will be needed.

he will never come to live with me, never, and luckily he wouldn't want either, but sooner or later he will need help. And if he won't agree to private senior housing (and believe me, he will not, even though I would pay for it), he will be a client of public elderly services. And that means someone has to be active in seeking those and if he will become incapable of looking after his matters, someone has to do that too. I can't, with good conscience, just let it be. Just leave him to his own mercy. And I'm dead scared what will happen, when and if we come to that.

Have any of you been an only next of kin for your elderly BPD parent? How did it go? Did you need to just let it be or were you able to work out their care?

[Naughty Nibbler]

isus:

Do you live in the U.S?  Thought I'd ask before I drone on about resources you don't have.  Wise of you to think ahead. Both my parents passes recently at 92, within 6 months of each other.

My dad broke his neck during a fall. His balance was off and falls had become too common. He was a difficult man and I knew he wouldn't have gone willingly to assisted living. You could say he did it his way. Perhaps it was a blessing that he didn't have to go to assisted care - he would have fought it.

The thought of how to care for aging parents is a tough one, even if they are easy to get along with.  Thinking through the options might help curb the stress involved with the situation.  If finances permit, sometimes having in-home help can be best.  Some difficult people won't accept helpers in the home, but it could be an option - an option that would be more attractive than a care facility with roommates.

Is it possible that you might find a time when your dad might be open to discuss his future? Does he have a will, medical and financial power of attorneys?

The worst case would be that there would be a conservatorship by a government entity.  It might be helpful to seek professional advice. A consult with a social worker or a therapist who specializes in the elderly could be helpful.  An attorney who deals with elderly issues might be helpful.

Available resources depends a lot on where you live.  I've had a need to frequent my local Superior Court Website over the last 4 months - in the probate section.  It appears that someone can initiate conservatorship as a do-it-yourself action.

If you have the finances, some professional advice would be helpful. Free services might be your first choice.  Sometimes preparing for the worst, can relieve some stress. It has to be tough to be the one person who can help your father.  My sister was so hard to get along with when we had to make months of urgent elder care decisions - I had to wonder if it would have been less stressful if I had made the decisions alone.

Glad your dad is still in good health! You are wise to prepare for the future.

[Theo41]

My half sister died at the age of 84 last year. She had to be committed to an assisted living facility about 10 years ago against her will and because she could not take care of herself. A Guardian was appointed by the court, a smart and attractive  young woman who is a lawyer. The facility she was committed to give wonderful care and with the proper medication my sister  got along much much better than before the nursing home.

Everything, including burial arrangements was covered by Medicare and Medicaid .

I was very grateful. Theo

[Isus]

We are Europeans from country with public health care. There are some private pay senior housing options and municipalities often also buy some of the services from private providers but most use public side at least in some point. In public side it is considered both more cost effective and ethical to offer services to elderly people's own homes as long as they can possible stay at home with those supports.

While the system should work also for those, whose next of kins are not there to help, what I have seen and heard from friends, whose parents need more or less help, to make it really work tends to require kids taking an active part in the process. And it gets really complicated, when the elderly themselves do not see their need for help same way as others around see it. Even those friends, whose parents have always been reasonable have battled a lot with them to get them admit they need services and to accept having them. To be honest, to me it would be so much easier, if transition would be first from his current home to a private senior housing, there level of assistance can go from zero to moderate and after that is not enough any more, elderly is high needs enough to be accepted to public nursing homes. That would take all 'the services to home' hassle out of my hands and those senior housing options are actually really nice and he really wouldn't even need to identify to other people living in same building. But I doubt he will accept that option, because hey, he is not old and can take care of himself!

While my dad occasionally seems to enjoy perks of being old, he likes to play old wise man every now and then, he doesn't seem to be willing to accept that he is actually growing old at all. Not the unpleasant parts. He also says he would rather hang himself than ever set a foot on any kind of assisted living. Not that I would in anyway consider that to be a real suicide threat, just a way to express, that he really can't see himself in nursing home. On the other hand I find it very unlikely he would voluntarily let people to his home either. I can imagine he could maybe accept food service and maybe even nurse visits, if the nursing home would be another option, but to let someone touch his things (e.g. cleaning service) will be a huge issue for him.

I don't know if he has a will. If he does, he is likely to have about 15 of them and I will have quite a task after his death to locate the last one I imagine. I also do not know if he has a medical will, but if he has, that is registered to health care system so I do not have to worry about that. If he doesn't have and will not do any later, then some decisions about his care may fall on me as a next of kin. Guardianship in our system is multilevel system that can be rather complex if person in question opposes it and especially if they do not have clear diagnosis that would greatly influence their cognitive functioning. Power of Attorney is only useful tool in our system if person giving it is willing and capable and it has to be rather specific and it loses it's effect if grantor is incapable.

>But thanks for the ideas. I may need to talk with a lawyer and elderly care adviser of my dad's city of residence about the options that are available in advance.