I feel manipulated

[Peggs]

Hi

This is my 1st time on here so not really sure how it works. My 19 year old daughter has BPD and takes medication. She has had mental health issues for several years and took an overdose 2 years ago. Since then she has been diagnosed with BPD and has had behavioural therapy which didn't seem to help. My problem is that when she has meltdowns e.g crying saying she hates her life, what's the point in living. She self harms. Used to cut herself but now punches mainly her legs so that she's covered in bruises. How do I handle this ? What should I do or say ?

I ended a relationship 6 years ago and haven't dated mainly because so many difficulties dating. I've recently started a relationship and have been staying at his 1 or 2 nights a week. My daughter started work about 3 months ago at a nightclub and expects me to be a taxi service for her. When I say I'm out she says I'm not there for her and she hates her life etc. i feel that she doesn't want me to be happy or have a life of my own and just feel torn. I'm scared of telling her what I think for fear it will push her over the edge. Just stressed and don't know how to handle her

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Butterflygirl]

Regarding your question "how to handle her."

In my favorite book about Borderlines, "I Hate You Don't Leave me," the author introduces SET communication.

S = sympathy = I am sorry about your situation.

E = empathy = I feel the same way sometimes.

T = Truth = We have to learn to be patient. I must say no at this time. You are out of control. Try to calm down.


I have a 44-year old Borderline and I am working on SET communication and setting boundaries. His first therapist at the age of 6 suggested I take my power back. Two years later another therapist said it was too late. Only a father figure could get the power back. He should never have discouraged me that way. I spent all my time looking for a husband instead of behavior modification. But it is never too late. If I want to feel great all I have to do is say "no" listen  to his meltdown and then hang up the phone.

And . . . praise the Lord . . . I am going to Switzerland for three weeks and not taking my computer or phone. God is great. A friend is paying the way.

P.S. I am slowly revealing my love of the Holy Spirit. If that offends anyone speak up. Our relationship can be our little secret.

Butterflygirl



Hand in there. You are not alone.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Peggs,

I'd like to join Butterflygirl in welcoming you to the Parent's Board.  I'm sorry that your d19 is engaging in self harm, these kinds of things really are difficult for us parents to cope with.  We have tried their entire lives to protect them from harm and when they harm themselves intentionally it leaves us feeling much despair.

Having an adult be dependent upon us is taxing and tiring, can you and your daughter have a sit down and discuss the things you are willing to do?  Setting limits and boundaries can go a long way towards her independence and you taking back your personal power.  Being in control of your own life is highly important.

Here is some info to get you started understanding the whats and hows of Communicating Boundaries and Limits.

The self harm issue serves purposes (hard to believe right?) for our kids.  One of the interim skills taught in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is to replace injury with another act... .holding an ice cube  or popping a rubber band on the wrist instead of cutting or punching oneself.  Might your daughter be open to attending therapy once more... .?

lbj 

[madmom]

I wish to also say welcome to you.   My piece of advice to you is to sit down with your daughter at a time of calm and negotiate what you are and are not willing to do for transportation.  What are the other options for your daughter, does she drive?  Is there public transportation available to her? Can she share a ride with someone else who works there for some gas money?    If not, and you are her only means of transportation she may be feeling abandoned, especially if there is someone new in your life.  Please take some time to look over the tools and lessons you find here.  There were truly helpful and made a world of difference in dealing with my daughter.  I hope this helps.   Best wishes for you and your daugher