Too many incomplete home projects

[SurfNTurf]

Hi there,

Not sure how to proceed with this one. I can detach when I need to and I can not take verbal bait, but I seem now to be baited with incomplete home projects.

For 10 weeks we've had the living room floor tile torn up b/c "he can do it, no need to hire someone." Then there are a few minor handyman projects in the bathroom that need completion. The gray water tanks for plant watering have been sitting in the driveway for two years, not installed, tho "he can do it." There is any number of debris and cast-offs in the yard that need to go to the dump that he says "I'm going to use for spare parts."

I have never lived like this.

I have stopped inviting my friends over, I'm too embarrassed to have them see my home as it is and too embarrassed to have them see my BPD husband act like this is normal.

Of course, when I try to negotiate even ONE of the projects to completion, this is his ammo to act out.

Logic, naturally, doesn't work. I tried this one, "Look; I understand when you lived alone you had several projects completed b/c they are hobbies to you. When I lived alone, I budgeted in repairs into my household budget to meet my needs. Now, as we are living, only your 'hobby' needs are being met, while mine go unmet. Can we agree to half the projects get hired out to complete - to meet my needs - while half go incomplete to meet your hobby needs? Emphatic no.

Why should I have to negotiate this just because I got married?

This is a second marriage, late in life, for both of us.

Any thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Fian]

"Why should I have to negotiate this just because I got married?"

This would certainly bother me and I understand why you are upset.  However you must have seen his tendency towards incomplete projects before you married him - and you chose to marry him anyway.  I think that is why you need to negotiate.  One possible solution is to agree to a time limit on his projects.  If he doesn't complete his project by X date, then you hire a professional to complete it.

When it comes to negotiating with him, others on this board could give you much better advice than I.  Most likely using a SET based approach where you can compliment him on his desire to be self sufficient and his skills as a handyman, while explaining how frustrating it is for you to have a house that you don't feel you can invite your family/friends.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi SurfNTurf,

I too lived with innumerable incompleted projects that my first husband initiated. One of the most egregious was a "labor-saving device" that he invented for our business. He spent thousands of dollars, which we didn't have, and consulted with engineers from Cal Tech, who made parts for it. He never completed it and when I repeatedly nagged him about it, the story was that he was always "a day away from finishing it," but he was "so busy, he just didn't have time." This went on for years.

He would also buy building materials for projects he never started and the materials would weather in the sun. After we split up, among tons of other junk, I hauled to the dump windows whose frames had been separated from the glass by tree seedlings. There was a cab for a pickup that thankfully someone was willing to haul away. Our property looked like it should have been on a reality show titled "Backwoods Hoarders."

In retrospect, he was (in his own mind) a perfectionist and I think he was worried that if he actually completed something that it could be judged by others. Whereas if nothing was finished, he had an excuse.

It drove me crazy and toward the end of our marriage, I hired someone to finish the horse barn. I was tired of when our neighbors cows would get loose, they would come marauding and trash all the hay I had bought, which also was at risk of getting wet, since it was under tarps.

I feel for you. It's an insane way to live, especially if you're subjected to it by the whims of your partner.   

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

For 10 weeks we've had the living room floor tile torn up b/c "he can do it, no need to hire someone." Then there are a few minor handyman projects in the bathroom that need completion. The gray water tanks for plant watering have been sitting in the driveway for two years, not installed, tho "he can do it." There is any number of debris and cast-offs in the yard that need to go to the dump that he says "I'm going to use for spare parts."

I have never lived like this.

Ugh, I'm a second marriage and my w is a stay-at-home-mom.  No one would ever accuse her of being lazy, but she certainly doesn't follow through on projects to completion... .

Of course, when I try to negotiate even ONE of the projects to completion, this is his ammo to act out.

Any and all comments about our house sends my w to martyr-land... .At best I can hope for is to be accused of being petty because I'd prefer a neat house... .

One possible solution is to agree to a time limit on his projects.

This one doesn't work for me, if I say "hey, if the spare room isn't finished in a month I'll clean it up"... .I'm accused of treating her like a child... .

[Joel2:25]

Holy Mess. I could only laugh thinking of the therapy sessions over our flooring. We came to the agreement of 1yr. In other words if he didn't complete it in a YEAR then I could hire someone. I lived with torn up floors in the entire house for that year and thanks to the therapist he actually did them. Now it's 6 months. I don't remind, I don't ask. I just schedule it and deal with the fuming afterwards all bright n cheery like.

[vortex of confusion]

I have stopped inviting my friends over, I'm too embarrassed to have them see my home as it is and too embarrassed to have them see my BPD husband act like this is normal.

What is it about this stuff that embarrasses you? Are you afraid that your friends will think less of you because your husband has so many projects going?

I don't want to diminish your feelings. You are expressing frustration and want to find a solution. Having a husband with a lot of projects going is pretty normal. Some guys like to do stuff. Working on projects and doing things like that give them a sense of meaning. It makes them feel more manly perhaps.

Why should I have to negotiate this just because I got married?

You don't have to negotiate this. You can choose to leave. You can choose to hire somebody to come in and finish all of these projects without asking him. You can choose to finish some of the projects yourself. You can choose to ignore the unfinished projects. There are probably some other options as well. Will making those other options help you to have a better relationship with less contention?

Any time two people live in the same place (married or not), there is going to be some negotiation involved because different people have different values, different standards, and are different. Yes, the unfinished projects are an annoying pain in the butt.

Do you go to any kind of counseling together?

[formflier]

 

Get a calendar... .sit down with him.  Pick on project and ask him to get it done by a date on the calendar.  No threats... .etc etc.

Then... when he busts that date... .the next day tell him he has two days and you are hiring someone.

Make sure he "clears the calendar" for the first thing.

If he refuses to pick a date when you first approach him.  Tell him you will be hiring someone in two days if it is not done... .don't discuss further.

Don't tell him he is bad... you are mad... any of that.  It's not about him or you... .you just want it done.

FF

[maxsterling]

Interesting.  Plenty of incomplete projects around my house, too.  Part of it is me, and always has been.  Single guy, living alone, you get the drift... .

But I can say the incomplete projects as of late are incomplete because I have a partner who demands so much of my time.  I'm lucky if I get two hours a week... . 

I like he others suggestions.   I don't know if the amount of incomplete projects has so much to do with BPD, but you do need to keep BPD in mind with how you approach him on this. 

[SurfNTurf]

Thank you for the inputs. I think i will try formfliers approach. We are currently down 2 out of three bathrooms due to minor plumbing repairs undone x 9 months. Then there is the living room floor tile partially removed x 11 weeks now. I dont care as much about his outdoor guy projects or shop projects until they preemp using the bathrooms. I know guys have several things going at once, i was raised with brothers. We have had to delay out of town family staying with us bc i didnt want someone breaking a neck in the living room, tripping! Thanks again!

[formflier]

 

Are you able to do any of these yourself?

Good luck with this... .be calm and even when you approach him.

FF

[Verbena]

SurfNTurf, I completely understand.  It's the same at my house.  My huband has spent a ton of money over the years on products and "stuff" he needs for projects that he has never done and will never do. 

Last summer I was gathering stuff for a garage sale and found two unopened boxes in the garage.  I opened one and discovered that it was a car care kit(cleaners/waxes) that he had ordered online--in 2006.  Then I opened the other one and it was the exact same kit, except it was ordered 2008.  The real kicker was that the packing slip showed that the one ordered in 2008 had an extra rush delivery charge added to it.  All total, it was $134 completely wasted.  I asked him about all of it, and he was furious and refused to talk to me about it. 

This is just a small example.  We have wasted thousands and thousands on various crap he never touched or used.  I tried to sell his car care kits in the garage sale, and he threw a fit because he "planned to use them."  Seriously?  They are still in the garage a year later, still untouched. 

My best advice is to hire someone.  Save up if you need to and just hire someone.  Also, bring your friends over.  Let them see the mess you have to live in.  That's the one thing that gets my husband motivated to finish anything.  He certainly won't do it because I want him to. 

[waverider]

First thing you need to work on is not being embarrassed by it, to him that reads you are embarrassed by him. You are not going to move forward on that basis.

Pick one thing and ignore the rest, prioritizing is hard for some people. Planning is easy and less risky than the actual doing, as doing and completing is open for judgement of the result. Fear of not being able to pull off a perfect result can also provide a block

Put my hands up here i have a hundred and one unfinished projects including our one and only bathroom being ripped out a year and a half ago and still not much more than a shell.

[formflier]

 

Umm... yeah... I'll put my hand up to...

I do get stuff completed... .but it's never done.

Many times the r/s drama does get in the way of it... .

There are other times that working on the projects is a good refuge.

FF

[SurfNTurf]

I can do some of these myself; AFTER he does the muscle work. That's been my issue. If he would do the muscle work - then move on to one of his own projects, I could continue on the home project myself.

I tried your advice and tried to discuss a timeline with a calendar. Boy is he cagey. He would not 'commit to a date because then you'll expect to have it done by that date.' So what I said was, "I know we are both very busy. So I will see how far along the tile work is by 4th of July weekend, and  if it hasn't progressed then I will call some tile guys and have it done." And in the meantime, I'm getting the plumbing fixtures for the bathroom myself and can install them on my own.

I tried to point out that by keeping these projects stalled (though I used nicer language), only HIS needs are met while mine are unmet. I asked if he could relate how an unmet need might feel. He said, "well ya, but I don't get why it's a big deal to you."  I told him everyone is wired up differently, and this IS a big deal for me, while so many other things are NOT a big deal to me, we are all unique.

I for one, do not know why he has to 'get it.' I don't 'get him' a lot of the time, I just adapt from time to time to be fair.

[formflier]

He said, "well ya, but I don't get why it's a big deal to you."  I told him everyone is wired up differently, and this IS a big deal for me, while so many other things are NOT a big deal to me, we are all unique.

.

IMO... this is where the focus should be.  Clear communication before projects start.

Plus... .hopefully you guys can compromise and find areas of the house he can do anything he wants... .

And areas of the house you can "own".

But... he should be able to tell you his needs... .and have the considered... .and you should have  your needs considered as well.

FF