I was Abused

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This morning I am up super early thinking about how not even two weeks ago I was dumped and replaced. My Ex telling me in the same breath, we never were in a relationship for the past three years, it was a facade, and that I was "the love of her life", that she loves me more than anything... .maybe she's just going through a mid-life crisis (her words not mine).

We were supposed to go to Mexico next week and now I am flying alone. My house is in shambles from overwhelming depression and anxiety.

I'm a mess.

She has left me before. Two times for other people. The raging was horrific the first two years but this year she was calm, she stood by me through major surgery. We got a puppy and she bought a new car.

But I was exhausted. ":)o you really love me?" ":)o you really think we will be together forever?" I probably saw her 2-3 times a weeks tops and was sleeping a lot. I am sure I was in depression, avoiding friends and family who were not fans of my emotional succubus.

I often forget this is a woman who after breaking up with me and leaving me for her ex in 2013 states away, came to my house for her key and then dragged me up my stairs by my hair and hocked and spit in my face.

The same woman who then called me ten times that evening in tears saying she couldn't live without me.

The same woman who a week AFTER that was saying she had a new girlfriend (got her partner back) asked me to never email her again and threatened a restraining order.

Only to return to me three weeks later calling over 40 times on her way back from Minnesota.

I myself have split this all from my own memory.

As I lay here in bed I wonder how I could let this all go and realize I hadn't. When my ex left this time she told me I couldn't get over the past and she needed a girlfriend in the "present".

She was right.  No one had ever treated me so horrible in my life.

The replacement is also an a hole. I thought she was my friend.  Somehow my ex convinced her we were never in a relationship.  Now they are planning a vacation together... .a week after my "demise" (as my ex is telling friends).

I know my ex's patterns. If any of you have read my posts she jumps all over the place to exes. The ex she left me for in 2013 is an ex she left another ex for in 2008. The two so-called "loves of her life" she has bounced between for years until one got sick of it and the other got married.

I am devastated being replaced however I know it is in my best interest to use my time wisely and get the help I need while she is pre occupied.

I need to remember I was abused and that's NOT ok.

[Pretty Woman]

This morning I am up super early thinking about how not even two weeks ago I was dumped and replaced. My Ex telling me in the same breath, we never were in a relationship for the past three years, it was a facade, and that I was "the love of her life", that she loves me more than anything... .maybe she's just going through a mid-life crisis (her words not mine).

We were supposed to go to Mexico next week and now I am flying alone. My house is in shambles from overwhelming depression and anxiety.

I'm a mess.

She has left me before. Two times for other people. The raging was horrific the first two years but this year she was calm, she stood by me through major surgery. We got a puppy and she bought a new car.

But I was exhausted. ":)o you really love me?" ":)o you really think we will be together forever?" I probably saw her 2-3 times a weeks tops and was sleeping a lot. I am sure I was in depression, avoiding friends and family who were not fans of my emotional succubus.

I often forget this is a woman who after breaking up with me and leaving me for her ex in 2013 states away, came to my house for her key and then dragged me up my stairs by my hair and hocked and spit in my face.

The same woman who then called me ten times that evening in tears saying she couldn't live without me.

The same woman who a week AFTER that was saying she had a new girlfriend (got her partner back) asked me to never email her again and threatened a restraining order.

Only to return to me three weeks later calling over 40 times on her way back from Minnesota.

I myself have split this all from my own memory.

As I lay here in bed I wonder how I could let this all go and realize I hadn't. When my ex left this time she told me I couldn't get over the past and she needed a girlfriend in the "present".

She was right.  No one had ever treated me so horrible in my life.

The replacement is also an a hole. I thought she was my friend.  Somehow my ex convinced her we were never in a relationship.  Now they are planning a vacation together... .a week after my "demise" (as my ex is telling friends).

I know my ex's patterns. If any of you have read my posts she jumps all over the place to exes. The ex she left me for in 2013 is an ex she left another ex for in 2008. The two so-called "loves of her life" she has bounced between for years until one got sick of it and the other got married.

I am devastated being replaced however I know it is in my best interest to use my time wisely and get the help I need while she is pre occupied.

I need to remember I was abused and that's NOT ok.

[disillusionedandsore]

Precisely! Abuse is NOT okay.  I too split from my memory the worst things my ex said and done, I had to or we could never have reconciled during any of our recycles.  I thought then it was a noble thing to forgive and forget... .I had to literally (in therapy) be re-trained to stop,  assess the damage,  take a look at the overall pattern,  feel my feelings and think about what this was doing to me over time,  see that that pattern had not changed,  that things in fact were getting worse for me and figure out a way to get out,  get him out and stay out! And now how to recognise abuse,  bullying and power games for what they are and not give my power away by reacting.  I have 'reacted' my whole Life,  I was a good sport! Easy to wind up,  unfortunately

[Pretty Woman]

The worst part is at the beginning, with the circular arguments, and her emotions just flooding my space I had no idea what was happening. Until I found this forum I thought I was crazy.

We are definitely trauma bonded and I am well aware I am the only one who will be able to break that.  I am doing that slowly. We are not FB friends but I deleted all her pics off my FB. I am starting fresh and not giving in to all her nonsense because that is all this is. Nonsense.

[disillusionedandsore]

I know the circular arguments that went nowhere... .Oh boy! Hours of my Life I will never get back... .the nights we stayed up all through the night 'discussing',  arguing,  me

trying to 'get through' to him until I was so worn out by the effort I relented and went to bed.  It never got me anywhere as he'd denied he agreed to anything,  said that,  meant what he said etc etc Sweet Jesus,  when I look back!

Sounds like you are doing all the right things,  getting rid of reminders,  determined to work on you, get as far away from the crazy as you can... .   I am ten months out and it only looks crazier the further away I get. I have learned a huge amount in a small amount of time and it has changed my Life forever.  No time for 'nonsense' now anywhere... .If I get bitten once I don't go back,  actually if I even get snarled at that's enough! I'm not trying to resolve the unresolvable anymore,  thanks to this site.  Hooray for me and you too!

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks Disillusioned. It's still not easy though. At least not for me.

[disillusionedandsore]

No it's not easy,  it's incredibly tough severing this kind of tie. I have cried and wailed more than I ever have in my Life.  I have wished with my entire being that things could be different,  that we could go back to the early days... .It's been very very tough going from living together, all in emotional investment to being alone and withdrawn and sad. I wrote by hand (journaled) a lot in the early days,  wrapped myself in a comforting blanket and bought myself the softest tissues I could find.  I also craved sweets (candy) in the early days too... .I tried everything I could think of to self soothe.  What are you finding particularly difficult right now?

[Pretty Woman]

I'm most hurt because I was stressed trying to get ready for our trip. Now I'm going alone and I can't concentrate to pack or get ready. I'm so incredibly sad and angry. Knowing she's out on dates and cuddling up to this new woman with our puppy.

[Take2]

 

Hugs Pretty Woman... .  I know the exact feelings you are going through... .  my ex is with what appears to be a very solid replacement.  I say that because he's had multiple replacements in the past but none lasted this long.  Maybe it's because the abuse got so horrid, as you have described, that I truly believe my ex has projected all of it onto me.  I know he can't maintain his good guy facade for very long though.  He's probably already been with this one at least 5 months.  That's gotta be a record I'd say.  But what do I know.  I have to force myself to not think about it.

To not let myself split the horrible abuse - I saw him yesterday morning at work.  yep, we work in the same office.

Fortunately I don't actually see him too often despite sitting only 4 rows away.  Yet I did yesterday.  Instantly I tried to talk to him.  UGH.  He pretended he couldn't hear me.  I let it go.  It hurts so badly and my friends constantly ask what on earth I could be missing.  They are right.  My therapist does help me understand it's still part of the addiction that built up with him, also the trauma bonds.  That I miss and ache for such a wildly abusive man... .  speaks volumes.

Try to do something - anything - that can help you get thru your pain.  Working out is a major part of my life now.

It always was before but now it's at least 1.5 hours every single day.  It seriously helps me keep my head on straight.

I wish we weren't going thru this.  It's a difficult road to be on... .  but you can do it. ...

[cosmonaut]

I'm so sorry about your pain and the abuse you suffered from your ex.  It's heartbreaking to read.  It is very hard to imagine how someone we love so deeply and who we believed loved us just as much could leave us so coldly and move on so quickly.  My ex also left me out of the blue and disappeared without a trace.  I haven't heard from at all since the night she left.  It has been extremely hard for me to deal with.  I can honestly say that it has been the most painful experience of my life.  And the most confusing.  I'm really sorry you are going through sometime similar.

How are you doing in taking care of you?  You mentioned that you are feeling very depressed, and that's extremely common after being abandoned like this.  Some things that helped me were to try and eat well, get enough sleep, get some exercise, get out of the house.  Little things like this made a huge difference.  I would recommend trying them if you can.  It may seem very hard at first when all you want to do is sleep (I've been there), but it will pay off quickly in feeling better.  Ultimately, it is a fairly long road to recovering from a relationship like this, but it really does get easier.  I found that so impossible to believe the first few months after my ex left, because the pain seemed so total and the future so bleak.  At this point, a year and half later, I'm doing so much better.  It just takes some time, and some self-reflection.  For now, just try and focus on taking good care of you.  You deserve it!

Remember that you are not alone either.  The forum is open 24/7, and everyone is here to support you.   

[Pretty Woman]

Take2,

    Thank you for your words.

This past year has been our best. No fights or rages but not much sex at all.

She said I "friend zoned" her. In some ways this is true. Getting close to be pushed away scared me. I slept a lot and we saw each other three times a week. My house fell apart from her leaving me three major times (this is the third time).

In the past she left for an ex out of state and a friend (straight friend) whom she devalued when this woman didn't come see her in the hospital.

This time it's a woman who lives down the street. We are all a few mile radius from each other.

It just hurts so bad.  We were going to Mexico. I can barely pack.  I am not excited for this trip at all. She never even apologized or anything.  It was like, I found someone else and am very attracted to her.

A day after kissing and holding me, saying I was the love of her life and no one meant as much to her.

I know these are just words. If she loved me that much she wouldn't have done this.

I truly cannot forgive her. I am so much angrier than before and angry that this new woman knew we were together and went for her anyways.

[Take2]

That totally stinks - that the new woman is someone you know, someone who lives down the street from you... .I know that has got to make it so much harder... .

Hopefully you can hold on to the anger... .  assuming the anger is helpful right now.  i could never hold onto it.  I don't know why.  I would always split the bad stuff and compartmentalize it or something.  It's not like I ever forgot it.  It's just the pull to my ex was just that much stronger.  Trauma bond defined I suppose... .

I hope you can go on the trip to Mexico and try to enjoy yourself.  Getting removed from your normal surroundings will hopefully help... .  it always helps me no matter what is going on in my life to travel.  It just reminds us that there is so much more out there than our own little worlds... .I hope you can let go home of the pain and hurt and reminders left and right.  It's so hard, I know.  You can't expect an apology.  I not only did not get apologies... .but I've been falsely accused of sleeping around the office.  And called countless horrible names.  And been raged at to the point of hiding in bathrooms at work.

Let the sun shine on you in Mexico... .and try and realize you deserve to be happy.  You deserve to be loved and respected.

[disillusionedandsore]

Oh Dear,  that behaviour is so brutal,  I am very sorry this happened to you Pretty Woman. I can understand how hard it would be to try and do anytime other than collapse and wail.  How unfair,  how horribly cruel and now to have to face your holiday alone,  like one big sick joke. Almost like having to honeymoon alone.  My heart truly goes out to you. Do you want to still go on the trip now? Is there any way to 'undo'  it? You have been hit with such a devastating blow,  you may be reeling in shock yet.  I felt like I was in shock fir months... .If you do go on your trip can you bring anyone else? Meet up with others? I am thinking along the lines of ways you can be extremely gentle with yourself,  this is like a sudden bereavement remember. 

[enlighten me]

Its pretty tough to realise you were abused. Its also tough to admit you were a victim of abuse.

For me its tough as people look at me and think. Your over six foot tall. Ex soldier. Been in multiple combat zones how is it possible that a little thing like your ex could abuse you?

This type of thinking has left a lot of members here in trouble wirh the law. But worst than that I think it has stopped a lot from opening up about the abuse they suffered. I dont mean opening up on here but to friends and family.

Realising you were a victim of abuse is a massive step towards healing.

[Billygoat]

I know the circular arguments that went nowhere... .Oh boy! Hours of my Life I will never get back... .the nights we stayed up all through the night 'discussing',  arguing,  me

trying to 'get through' to him until I was so worn out by the effort I relented and went to bed.  It never got me anywhere as he'd denied he agreed to anything,  said that,  meant what he said etc etc Sweet Jesus,  when I look back!

Sounds like you are doing all the right things,  getting rid of reminders,  determined to work on you, get as far away from the crazy as you can... .   I am ten months out and it only looks crazier the further away I get. I have learned a huge amount in a small amount of time and it has changed my Life forever.  No time for 'nonsense' now anywhere... .If I get bitten once I don't go back,  actually if I even get snarled at that's enough! I'm not trying to resolve the unresolvable anymore,  thanks to this site.  Hooray for me and you too!

Those circular arguments that seemed so important at the time. Those arguments where you tried so hard to make them understand how their actions hurt you, we tried with kindness, with patience, with understanding, until eventually it just wore out, we just wore out.

Rather than absorb some of our wisdom, wisdom we know from other relationships would have made everyone happier, not only us. Instead, they just assume they were wrong about their assessment of us, paint us black and move onto a fresh, unsuspecting person who will have those same circular arguments, who will again try to lead the BPD to water and save them and the relationship.

Yes, we were abused, but I have a question. Who here now would enter into arguments with another person like that again? I know for myself, ive now learned what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, what hurts my heart and soul and what lifts it. Kindness and understanding from another is precious, from a partner... It's the lifeblood of a relationship. I can not imagine revisiting that behaviour with anyone again. Circular arguments, abuse, there's no place for that, life is simply too short. No one wants to learn this lesson, we want to believe that because we love a certain way and understand respect a certain way then everyone does; everyone does not. Bpd individuals often had terrible childhoods and just didn't get the software update that we did as young children, they simply can't behave in was that are conducive to true loving relationships.

So the question you have to ask yourself is this. Do you deserve love? Do you deserve respect? Until the answer is unquestionably Yes, the BPD may be gone but the food that allowed them to sustain themselves with you is still there and you're still vulnerable. There was no other way this could have gone.