If I leave...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've had this conversation with my Shrink a few times, and I'm just so deeply hurt, and introverted by nature, I have serious concerns about what might happen to me, if I did just leave.

My biggest concern is the pool of available partners available to a middle aged guy.  I can't help but think that the pool of available applicants my age, might have a disproportionately high rate of serious mental illness themselves. I suffer from depression- a gift from my mom's family of origin, so I make no unsubstantiated claim of being without my own faults.  I do not expect a new partner to NOT have baggage, just like I have my own.  That would just be naive.  My concern lies in the possibility that at any given time, at any given age range, the number of single / un-partnered people who have BPD MUST be higher than the general population.

Introverts do not choose a mate by playing the field and picking from a cast of hundreds / thousands- they (we) have a much narrower playing field.  The thought of dating sites and dating, in general, seems too overwhelming and not worth the huge effort it would take to be successful.  I would need to find someone, who is under my nose, or really close by.  Not sure that is even wise.

Throw into the mix that my work demands so much of my time, I couldn't possibly be able to demonstrate the level of commitment in a new relationship with a person who may have no idea what being partnered with a surgeon really entails.  It takes a strong and centered person to put up with the crap that goes along with being a medical spouse. A surgical spouse has to take their game to a whole new level.

I have serious doubts about whether I would even look for another woman- I don't know if I would call it a blessing, or a curse, but I have always been bisexual in orientation.  I am attracted to both genders.  Maybe this pervasive feeling of discontent in my mid-life has less to do with my wife's crazy, and more to do with my own crazy.  Maybe I don't need a smoking' hot middle aged wife at all.  Maybe I need a smoking' hot, chubby middle aged husband? The more back hair, the better.

But, if I leave, how can I trust my instincts enough to recognize and heed the warning signs and red flags?  They were all there when I married my wife, but I fell in love any way.  We divorced for 5 years, and when she came back to me, after five years of professional training and professional psychotherapy, I felt she was changed.  I felt she had gained real insight into her abusive behavior and the painted white, mirroring was so honed, I was really convinced things could be better.  I was really, really wrong. Our second marriage has been as bad, differently bad, and I should have known.

Being gun shy, and having a limited pool of available partners- made smaller by selecting only the ones willing to put up with the crap associated with my career, and my commitment to my children... .all adds up to a great big ZERO. 

If I leave, and there is no one else for me, then maybe leaving isn't the answer.

Feeling extra doubtful about my future, I guess... .

Surg_Bear

[Surg_Bear]

I've had this conversation with my Shrink a few times, and I'm just so deeply hurt, and introverted by nature, I have serious concerns about what might happen to me, if I did just leave.

My biggest concern is the pool of available partners available to a middle aged guy.  I can't help but think that the pool of available applicants my age, might have a disproportionately high rate of serious mental illness themselves. I suffer from depression- a gift from my mom's family of origin, so I make no unsubstantiated claim of being without my own faults.  I do not expect a new partner to NOT have baggage, just like I have my own.  That would just be naive.  My concern lies in the possibility that at any given time, at any given age range, the number of single / un-partnered people who have BPD MUST be higher than the general population.

Introverts do not choose a mate by playing the field and picking from a cast of hundreds / thousands- they (we) have a much narrower playing field.  The thought of dating sites and dating, in general, seems too overwhelming and not worth the huge effort it would take to be successful.  I would need to find someone, who is under my nose, or really close by.  Not sure that is even wise.

Throw into the mix that my work demands so much of my time, I couldn't possibly be able to demonstrate the level of commitment in a new relationship with a person who may have no idea what being partnered with a surgeon really entails.  It takes a strong and centered person to put up with the crap that goes along with being a medical spouse. A surgical spouse has to take their game to a whole new level.

I have serious doubts about whether I would even look for another woman- I don't know if I would call it a blessing, or a curse, but I have always been bisexual in orientation.  I am attracted to both genders.  Maybe this pervasive feeling of discontent in my mid-life has less to do with my wife's crazy, and more to do with my own crazy.  Maybe I don't need a smoking' hot middle aged wife at all.  Maybe I need a smoking' hot, chubby middle aged husband? The more back hair, the better.

But, if I leave, how can I trust my instincts enough to recognize and heed the warning signs and red flags?  They were all there when I married my wife, but I fell in love any way.  We divorced for 5 years, and when she came back to me, after five years of professional training and professional psychotherapy, I felt she was changed.  I felt she had gained real insight into her abusive behavior and the painted white, mirroring was so honed, I was really convinced things could be better.  I was really, really wrong. Our second marriage has been as bad, differently bad, and I should have known.

Being gun shy, and having a limited pool of available partners- made smaller by selecting only the ones willing to put up with the crap associated with my career, and my commitment to my children... .all adds up to a great big ZERO. 

If I leave, and there is no one else for me, then maybe leaving isn't the answer.

Feeling extra doubtful about my future, I guess... .

Surg_Bear

[GaGrl]

My DH was married to his ex (uNPD/BPD ) for many years. She left after 19 years of a very difficult, painful relationship... .yet came and went for another 14. When DH and I reconnect ed, he finally divorced after those 33 year as. We were both in our 50s, and we are grateful for each day of our peaceful yet passionate marriage.

DH had never dated after his ex left... .he is very,very introverted. And as an Army infantry officer, the career was demanding in unique ways. So I get where you are coming from!

As to gender preference and marriage... .I think in the end, it has more to do with whom you happen to bond with emotionally, so just let it happen as it may.

I know the whole idea is scary, isn't it?

[vortex of confusion]

 

Take a step back for a second. . .

I have played with this line of thinking before. It isn't helpful. At least it wasn't for me.

Instead of thinking about a partner, why not think about yourself a bit? Can you feel complete and whole with or without a partner?

I am not quite sure how to phrase this. Quit worrying about having a partner. Yes, it is very nice to have a partner. Ask yourself if you want a partner to complete you or compliment you. I have come to the conclusion that I don't need a partner to feel complete. I can be complete and whole with or without a partner. Yes, I am staying with my husband. While doing so, I am looking for ways to feel whole and complete as a separate individual rather than as part of some kind of relationship.

I am an overweight, middle aged woman with 4 kids. The opportunities that are out there for somebody like me are slim to none. That used to bug me. Now, I don't really care and it isn't really a factor in staying or going. I have gotten to the point where I have to love myself more and take care of myself better. I think focusing on that has helped me tremendously. I am not sure when that shift happened or why it happened. I just know that it feels good to say "I want me and I love me and that is what matters."

[Notwendy]

Surg Bear-

I agree with Vortex, as this kind of thinking doesn't serve you. It's your fear projecting into the future and also a bit of depression- the thinking of the worst case scenario. It keeps you stuck as far as making a decision to move forward, whatever that is.

In the co-dependency group we call this stinkin' thinkin'- this obsessive mulling of thought. It can be a sort of "drug" to also numb you- to what you are feeling- fear. That is normal. We all have fear.

I think we are all afraid of being alone, but being able to be alone is what could make us emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship.

IMHO, we are attracted to, and attract, people who match us emotionally. So, in or out of a relationship, working on yourself will pay off in all your relationships. This is just my opinion, but should you leave, my advice would be to heal as a single person before considering dating again. The high of a new relationship could blind you to the issues you need to work on, as well, as the person you are with. Being lonely and needy is real- but it makes us vulnerable to getting into something too soon, and not good for us.

If you can, instead of thinking about your relationship or your wife, or the possible next partner- then think of you, and how you can grow- as you are.

[rotiroti]

I agree with Vortex and I'm an introvert myself.

I believe one's happiness should not depend on anyone, BPD or not. One of the things that keeps me sane from thinking about my BPDex is remembering that I was happy before she was in my life (just as she was hurting before i was in hers). I'm using the gift of freedom to pursue hobbies that I had on my backburner... seriously, being with my ex meant i had zero time for myself. Either I was trying to placate her or figure out when she was going to explode next