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Was i not just equally hurtful?
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Topic: Was i not just equally hurtful? (Read 581 times)
Allmessedup
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Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
on:
June 14, 2015, 11:57:59 PM »
there is a thread going on on the leaving board that prompted some introspection on my part tonight.
The post is about BPD not being personal if anyone wishes to follow it.
My question is I hear a lot here about why we were attracted to them... .but why were they attracted to us? I ask this because I think I was not meeting her needs anymore than she was meeting mine.
I met my ex at work. My professional career demanded that I be incredibly calm, decisive and confident. And I was.
But her neediness played on my whole white knight thing going on and I ended up CARETAKING and enabling Which was of course hurtful to her.
I just was thinking that even though my coping skills are much much different then hers was i not just equally hurtful?
I am not trying to blame myself but rather I have had a lot of anger the last few days about how she hurt me... . I am just trying to see the entire picture here
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enlighten me
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #1 on:
June 15, 2015, 12:47:51 AM »
I also was strong and confident but a caretaker.
I can understand how our caretaking wasnt the help we thouht it was and how the increasing demands took their toll on us.
In every day life you can give someone a helping hand and they will get up and stand on their own two feet. With a pw BPD every time you pick them up they fall over again and hold their hand out. They dont need to stand on their own two feet as you do it for them. This leads to resentment. The more you do it the more you start to pick them up before they have fallen over. You engulf them.
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Skip
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #2 on:
June 15, 2015, 07:19:29 AM »
Quote from: Allmessedup on June 14, 2015, 11:57:59 PM
and I ended up CARETAKING and enabling Which was of course hurtful to her.
I just was thinking that even though my coping skills are much much different then hers was i not just equally hurtful?
I think so. I think a lot of us miss this point.
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jhkbuzz
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #3 on:
June 15, 2015, 08:35:41 AM »
Quote from: Skip on June 15, 2015, 07:19:29 AM
Quote from: Allmessedup on June 14, 2015, 11:57:59 PM
and I ended up CARETAKING and enabling Which was of course hurtful to her.
I just was thinking that even though my coping skills are much much different then hers was i not just equally hurtful?
I think so. I think a lot of us miss this point.
For sure. Initially her distress brought out my protectiveness and that's nothing to be ashamed of. But over time I began to build my "identity" in the r/s as the strong one, the smart one, the one who could help her heal; definitely in a "one-up" position. That wasn't good for me, and it sure as heck wasn't good for her - she was a grown woman who needed to stand on her own two feet.
This is the only "enabling" adult r/s I've had, so I sure will be on the lookout in the future to avoid the same dynamic in another r/s. I'm also working on my own identity 'stuff' as well.
Excerpt
I am not trying to blame myself but rather I have had a lot of anger the last few days about how she hurt me... . I am just trying to see the entire picture here
You're engaging in the healing process, which is awesome. It took me months to get through the "anger versus self-blame" merry go round, and finally integrate the totality of it. Yes, we both entered into the dance with dysfunction - hers more severe to be sure - but I contributed. No shame, just honesty.
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Allmessedup
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #4 on:
June 15, 2015, 10:52:59 AM »
Thank you all!
That's all so true. If you have read much of m story, you will see I am a nurse... .not only a nurse but a psych nurse!
My ex was upfront abou Her Bpd. Her treatment her dx. I dealt with BPD clients all the time. She however appeared so high functioning, so together! Not at all like what I usually dealt with.
When we met we were friends, and then didn't speak for years when I transferred to a different dept. That was so not a big deal.
But then I came back and she was physically sick and couldn't figure out why.
That's when we became involved romantically.
Serious rescuing behaviors. The whole one upmanship the jhkbuzz talks about.
Soon it was not just me rescuing her from problems she asked for help with but also rescuing her from problems that I foresaw coming ahead. Trying to do damage control per say.
I hurt her with the enabling. I did the enabling to protect myself just as I always had. To protect myself from abandonment, her dysregulation, her rages and to protect myself from losing the idea of being her white knight (ress) so I would be invaluable to her.
These are my unhealthy coping skills. Just as the push pull, raging, black and white thinking etc are hers.
I was not a victim of her BPD. She didn't set out to hurt me.
I did not set out to hurt her... .never thought I was.
But I did. She did. And the more enabling and CARETAKING I did the more BPD responses she had and vice versa.
That was what I missed all along.
I was giving her exactly what I needed from her and not at all what she needed from me. That's how I was raised. That's what always had worked.
Neither of us had healthy coping skills. Neither of us set out to self destruct. Neither of us did any of this mess intentionally and I think neither of us were really who the other thought we were intially.
I think I never saw that. And in some aspects it makes me revisit bargaining but can we really change who we are in that respect any more than someone with BPD can?
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jhkbuzz
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #5 on:
June 15, 2015, 11:30:52 AM »
You know, I think there's a couple of things to keep in mind:
1. The "oneupmanship" was definitely a reflection of my low self esteem in r/s's (but not in all areas of my life, interestingly enough). It felt good to be admired, accepted, loved. I own this and need to work on it. Maybe you do too.
2. Our 'protective' or 'caretaking' personality traits are something we can be proud of
if they are use in the proper circumstances.
Towards pets and children, for example. Or patients in hospitals.
But never with capable adults, and certainly not in order to meet our own need for a self esteem boost - that's actually pretty selfish. A good self-regard has to come from within
us
- we shouldn't siphon it from someone else, especially someone else in need.
3. The 'caretaking' I ended up providing was
encouraged
by my ex, at least in the first several years. Because this is the case, I cut myself some slack in this area - we
both
contributed to this dynamic.
4. I think it's important to identify whether you chronically end up in caretaking in r/s's, or your past r/s was a one time thing. Those are two pretty different scenarios. Whatever the case, I'm in the middle of reading 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life' by Margalis Fjelstad, and she identifies 5 different kinds of caretakers. It's proving to be a very interesting read.
Excerpt
These are my unhealthy coping skills.
You learned those coping skills somewhere. (hint: I did too.) Where do you think you learned them?
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Allmessedup
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #6 on:
June 15, 2015, 03:53:34 PM »
Valid jhkbuzz... .very very valid points.
My ex definately encouraged the caretaking stuff. Massively. Except when she didn't. I was in the middle of the struggle between her wanting to be rescued and her terrified of being rescued. It could change minute by minute.
I have been in a number of relationships and never ever has it been like this. I am a huge nurturer yes. But this went well beyond nurturing. This was very much CARETAKING. How I acted? Well that's not really me. I am still baffled by that. I am fiercely independent. I expect others to be independent as well. Yet normally I abhor neediness and she most definately did not present as needy. But that changed. And ultimately I became the needy one. I am still trying to figure out why that occurred honestly.
I fully am aware she fed the hell out of my ego... .at first consistently then very intermittently. I wanted tht ego feeding back. That's why I stayed so long. That's what I was always trying to obtain again. That's why I tolerated things I never would have before.
I was in a very low spot in my life when we got together romantically. When I met her and we were friends previously I was different... .stronger... .happier. She was but a casual friend then and thst was quite fine. I stopped seeing her at work and it didn't effect anything really. We were work friends who were just casual. But then I went back to work there temporarily as a fill in and that's when our relationship began... .I went back to work BECAUSE I was unhappy, depressed, unfulfilled. And when we met at that point again that's when I became involved on a much deeper level with her.
She gave me back the pieces that were missing. I felt very good about myself again. And damn I was p*ssed when she took that away.
So yes that I own hugely. I know that needs tremendous amounts of work!
I am going to search for that book on my kindle. She texted me today. I haven't heard from her since we broke up. Just a text saying she has some stuff of mine in a bag and it in her car if I want it. If not she will toss it.
I already had asked for what I wanted back. She knew this. So yeah I haven't responded or decided if I am going to respond, or go get the stuff. Either way it will be painful and I can't think of anything that I left there that is not replacable if I need it.
Where did I learn the coping skills? My mama. Straight from my very BPD mother. I reenacted my childhood to a large degree with my ex. The crux is that while my mother was a queen as a borderline type she very much wanted/wants to be taken care of. My ex is more the waif/hermit type by far and fears engulfment just as much as she wanted to be looked after/taken care of.
I, as most kids with parents with BPD learned quite well how to placate my mother. It's intuitive at this point. Funny thing is it was her and our first major split that allowed me to see my mother in that light and set very very strict boundaries with her.
My ex however... .not so much.
I can see I transferred a lot of my stuff to my ex that actually related back to my mother. I used to crave my mom when I got sick for example. Now I crave my ex.
I very much demanded from my ex what I wanted from my mother... .and I also can see that I did a lot of things my mother did in order to get that. I am not proud of that at all. But it is what I learned.
So rough day here for me... .
Amu
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jhkbuzz
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #7 on:
June 15, 2015, 04:46:37 PM »
Quote from: Allmessedup on June 15, 2015, 03:53:34 PM
Valid jhkbuzz... .very very valid points.
My ex definately encouraged the caretaking stuff. Massively. Except when she didn't. I was in the middle of the struggle between her wanting to be rescued and her terrified of being rescued. It could change minute by minute.
I have been in a number of relationships and never ever has it been like this. I am a huge nurturer yes. But this went well beyond nurturing. This was very much CARETAKING. How I acted? Well that's not really me. I am still baffled by that. I am fiercely independent. I expect others to be independent as well. Yet normally I abhor neediness and she most definately did not present as needy. But that changed. And ultimately I became the needy one. I am still trying to figure out why that occurred honestly.
I fully am aware she fed the hell out of my ego... .at first consistently then very intermittently. I wanted tht ego feeding back. That's why I stayed so long. That's what I was always trying to obtain again. That's why I tolerated things I never would have before.
I was in a very low spot in my life when we got together romantically.
When I met her and we were friends previously I was different... .stronger... .happier. She was but a casual friend then and thst was quite fine. I stopped seeing her at work and it didn't effect anything really. We were work friends who were just casual. But then I went back to work there temporarily as a fill in and that's when our relationship began... .I went back to work BECAUSE I was unhappy, depressed, unfulfilled. And when we met at that point again that's when I became involved on a much deeper level with her.
She gave me back the pieces that were missing. I felt very good about myself again. And damn I was p*ssed when she took that away.
So yes that I own hugely. I know that needs tremendous amounts of work!
I am going to search for that book on my kindle. She texted me today. I haven't heard from her since we broke up. Just a text saying she has some stuff of mine in a bag and it in her car if I want it. If not she will toss it.
I already had asked for what I wanted back. She knew this. So yeah I haven't responded or decided if I am going to respond, or go get the stuff. Either way it will be painful and I can't think of anything that I left there that is not replacable if I need it.
Where did I learn the coping skills? My mama. Straight from my very BPD mother. I reenacted my childhood to a large degree with my ex. The crux is that while my mother was a queen as a borderline type she very much wanted/wants to be taken care of. My ex is more the waif/hermit type by far and fears engulfment just as much as she wanted to be looked after/taken care of.
I, as most kids with parents with BPD learned quite well how to placate my mother.
It's intuitive at this point. Funny thing is it was her and our first major split that allowed me to see my mother in that light and set very very strict boundaries with her.
My ex however... .not so much.
I can see I transferred a lot of my stuff to my ex that actually related back to my mother. I used to crave my mom when I got sick for example. Now I crave my ex.
I very much demanded from my ex what I wanted from my mother... .and I also can see that I did a lot of things my mother did in order to get that. I am not proud of that at all. But it is what I learned.
So rough day here for me... .
Amu
I could have written nearly every word of your post. My ex was a waif. My mother... .I'm not sure if she was BPD but she was volatile and raged a lot, so I learned how to placate her. I bolded everything else that resonated with me. You can see that it's alot.
I'm sorry you're having a rough day, I know how that feels. But you're also doing the work and that's incredibly important because it's through the kind of introspection you're doing that you will heal.
One of the things that has confounded me is that my mom (if she was BPD) would be more of a queen... .and my ex was a waif. They don't remind me of one another in any way, shape or form. And I've been so intensely focused on my mom (because she loomed so large) that it's just begun to occur to me to think about... .dad.
How about you?
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Allmessedup
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #8 on:
June 15, 2015, 06:22:52 PM »
It's sadly validating to know my story resonates so strongly with yours. It's nice just to know I am not the only one.
My ex is the exact opposite of my mother except for the BPD:). But I related to my ex just like I did my mom.
Funny thing is I intially entered all of this thinking about my father... .and he most certainly played a role here. He left my mother (and my sisters and I) for another woman when I was like 13
It was and even now 30 years later a horrible divorce. There were three girls. Me and my younger sister are less than 2 years apart. And my baby sister. I took my moms side, my sister took my dads and my baby sister got the worst of it as she became very much a pawn.
I have always been the peace keeper though. The "perfect" responsible one. I loved my dad massively but felt like I had no choice but to support my mom. I became the adult... .she became the child. My sisters both acted out and got in trouble. I did but never got caught. It was almost like I was invisible unless by chance I did something to make my mother angry.
My dad leaving was a huge mess as even now I find out small things that my mother said my dad did that were not actually true. Things that left me very resentful toward him.
I actually have a better relationship as an adult with my father than my mother and it is much more equal.
He has his issues too. Both are massive alcoholics and in really dysfunctional marriages. But my dad is not BPD.
I believe my CARETAKING was directly attributed to my father's leaving as I needed very much not to lose my mother too.
And my mother, well she reinforced that fear too
It's a bad day yes, but I am coping... .I am 3 weeks out this time around. I made a whole lot of progress on my FOO stuff when we split last year for 4 months. I went back and the pattern of course repeated.
The good news is that I seem to have emerged this time pretty much where I was at before we recycled. I had to try again... .But now I know. Things will never change with her.
I think that eventually I can get to a place where I am happy with me and without her. Even in the recycle I could see a lot of the behaviors for exactly what they were this last time around. Hell I saw the break up coming a mile away. I was not surprised.
But as sad as I am I can't fix her. I can't fight those demons for her and my needs were very much not getting met in our relationship either.
My own issues are as toxic to her as her BPD is to me. Differently yes. But hurtful all the same.
She asked me when she decided to end things if we could be friends. I said no, but then recanted and asked her what she saw that even looking like. She could not even tell me. She just twisted things around again and put it on me.
It's hard... .really hard sometimes to look at what I have done. Who I became when I was with her. This person I no longer respect or hell, even like.
Fact is we bring out the worst I think in each other. I do not trust her. I can not depend on her. So why continue to hurt each other... .even as friends I suspect we still would.
I think that I just need to figure out how to just be happy with me... .and that means seeing those very imperfect parts
Amu
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jhkbuzz
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #9 on:
June 15, 2015, 06:41:01 PM »
Excerpt
My ex is the exact opposite of my mother except for the BPD:). But I related to my ex just like I did my mom.
That's what I finally realized, although it took a while for me to figure it out (because they're opposites). And when our r/s went downhill I acted very much like my father - passive, tried to placate. Even though my 'normal' state of being is independent, assertive and capable. Heck, when she started going off the deep end I actually remember thinking "I know how to handle this, I've watched dad do it a million times." There was something about it that felt familiar and
okay
, like - "hey - I got this! I know what to do here!" Except I didn't and it turned into four years of hell. Difference is, though, my parents are still together and my ex is long gone.
Excerpt
She asked me when she decided to end things if we could be friends. I said no, but then recanted and asked her what she saw that even looking like. She could not even tell me.
Same here, although now I realize it's because, in many ways, I represented
safety
to her. She wanted to venture out into the world but still have me to "touch base" with. It was very parental in nature, and although I see it clearly now I didn't recognize it when I was in it.
Excerpt
It's hard... .really hard sometimes to look at what I have done. Who I became when I was with her. This person I no longer respect or hell, even like.
Do you have regret for things you did, aside from what you talked about? I'm not happy about how I lost touch with what I wanted or needed, but I still respect myself. I maintained my integrity, even when we were breaking up, even when it was really hard to do. I'm happy about that. I'm a compassionate person; I commit deeply to the people I love; those are all things I can admire in myself. Maybe you can too.
I just won't ever be as naive as I was in this r/s. And I'm going to do the healing that I need to do so a r/s like this one wouldn't even be vaguely attractive to me in the future.
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Allmessedup
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #10 on:
June 15, 2015, 09:12:51 PM »
Now I think your words could be mine. I so thought I knew how to handle things. How to handle her would be more apt. But things were always changing. Placating would work... .sometimes. But rarely. It all seemed incredibly familiar. Comfortable in a weird sort of way. Like I expected to be put thru it to be loved. Which was not the case ever before in a relationship... .besides with my mother of course. But it also seemed closer than any relationship I had ever had either.
Do I have regrets? Yes. I regret that I let go of myself like I did. My wants, my needs. That I stayed in a relationship for over four years that was pretty toxic. I regret that my behaviors were triggered too. I was more needy than I have ever been in my life. I felt crazy sometimes... .couldn't believe that this was happening. I regret I hurt her. I regret I allowed her to hurt me.
I have never been intentionally cruel to her, I was always kind. I love her a lot. I regret though that my kindness was in fact hurtful to her if that makes sense?
I know I am a good person. I am compassionate, honest, and genuinely caring. a lot of things she accused me of doing I never actually did. I never thought I was judging her for example but the illness twisted many things I said that had I said the same things to anyone else it would not ever have been offensive.
I am pretty social. I like people and I have not ever had these kinds of issues before with anyone. So it is confusing to me as I see my role here... .I see my mistakes, my own trauma talking per say but I have a hard time understanding how that all computes with how I act with the rest of the world with no trouble at all.
I am glad you are on your way to healing jhkbuzz... .I think that's just it... .I need to figure out how to heal so this will never be attractive to me again either.
I see the ridiculousness in it. If I heard my story from anyone else I would say they needed to get out a long long time ago. But yet I didn't.
I stayed... .and I stayed. And I went back. And now this time I am trying hard to really heal that part of me that caused me to get involved i the first place
Amu
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jhkbuzz
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #11 on:
June 16, 2015, 07:31:55 AM »
Quote from: Allmessedup on June 15, 2015, 09:12:51 PM
I so thought I knew how to handle things. How to handle her would be more apt. But things were always changing. Placating would work... .sometimes. But rarely. It all seemed incredibly familiar. Comfortable in a weird sort of way. Like I expected to be put thru it to be loved. Which was not the case ever before in a relationship... .besides with my mother of course. But it also seemed closer than any relationship I had ever had either.
Could have written it! ^
Excerpt
Do I have regrets? Yes. I regret that I let go of myself like I did. My wants, my needs. That I stayed in a relationship for over four years that was pretty toxic. I regret that my behaviors were triggered too. I was more needy than I have ever been in my life. I felt crazy sometimes... .couldn't believe that this was happening. I regret I hurt her. I regret I allowed her to hurt me.
Me too, although I stayed for a long time for the sake of our stepdaughter, so that mitigates it for me somewhat. But I could have gotten out sooner and I didn't, and I wonder about that too. I've never experienced a r/s like it. I don't feel as much regret as you, though, and I think this is why: I found these boards about a month before the r/s ended. I kept reading that a r/s with a pwBPD opens up core wounds, and if you do the work you can heal in ways that wouldn't have been possible without the r/s. I didn't understand it in the beginning, but I sure do understand it now - and my excitement at the thought of actually healing some of my core wounds overpowers any regret I have for staying too long. Not only am I going to be
okay
, I'm going to be even
better
. jhkbuzz 2.0
!
Excerpt
I have never been intentionally cruel to her, I was always kind. I love her a lot. I regret though that my kindness was in fact hurtful to her if that makes sense?
It's sort of half and half for me. I also loved her a LOT, and I did the best I could at the time - so I cut myself some slack. I also didn't recognize my self esteem issues when I was in the r/s, so I cut myself some slack for that as well. When I look at my behavior it lessens my regret because, despite my mistakes and human-ness, I treated her well. I helped her raise her daughter. I helped her in her career... .all kinds of things.
I loved her deeply. I was honest, faithful, 100% committed. Not everyone can say that, so it's something to be proud of. I refuse to beat myself up for being human.
Excerpt
I know I am a good person. I am compassionate, honest, and genuinely caring. a lot of things she accused me of doing I never actually did. I never thought I was judging her for example but the illness twisted many things I said that had I said the same things to anyone else it would not ever have been offensive.
That happened in my r/s a lot too. It's called gaslighting - are you familiar with the concept? Wikipedia:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
Excerpt
I am pretty social. I like people and I have not ever had these kinds of issues before with anyone. So it is confusing to me as I see my role here... .I see my mistakes, my own trauma talking per say but I have a hard time understanding how that all computes with how I act with the rest of the world with no trouble at all.
Same here - but you have to realize that being in (and interacting with someone in) an intimate r/s is vastly different than interacting with friends or at work. Core trauma, maladaptive coping skills... .these all can get more easily triggered in intimate r/s's.
Excerpt
I am glad you are on your way to healing jhkbuzz... .I think that's just it... .I need to figure out how to heal so this will never be attractive to me again either.
I see the ridiculousness in it. If I heard my story from anyone else I would say they needed to get out a long long time ago. But yet I didn't.
I stayed... .and I stayed. And I went back.
And now this time I am trying hard to really heal that part of me that caused me to get involved i the first place
Amu
Isn't it crazy when you look at what you know intellectually and what you feel/felt emotionally and they don't line up? Arrrrrrrgggggggggggggg!
So, some questions? Is the r/s completely over? Are you n/c? Do you have a T?
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Allmessedup
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #12 on:
June 16, 2015, 10:45:25 AM »
Jhk buzz talking to you helps:). Thanks!
I have been on these boards for a long time it feels like... .since November of 2013 I think actually? Like you I found these boards shortly before we split the first time (Jan 2014)
I feel like I have learned so much since then but the whole connecting my head and my heart... .well that has not worked so well yet
The last time we broke up I really felt like I could work thru this and heal. And I was in a lot of ways... .but I think not for the right reasons. I spent a ton of time looking at me but I also spent a lot of tme looking at what I did wrong with her. I ruminated... .hard. And when she emailed four months later I jumped on the opportunity to try again. Thinking I could use all my newly developed skills and all would be well.
Except it wasn't. I journal daily and if I go back and look at those, it was falling apart 8 days after we got back together. I validated like crazy. I tried really really hard not to. JADE. I tried to stay centered and mindful. And things were better. She still dysregulated but it didn't traumatizes me. I set some boundaries. I tried really hard not to caretake.
It was every two weeks like clockwork that she dysregulated about something. A lot of the worst behaviors stopped. No more suicidal threats, suicidal attempts or ideation. The silent treatment happened less often. No self harm.
But the push and pull was still crazy. The black and white thinking still intense. The twisting of my words still happened routinely. And I slipped back into more and more CARETAKING stuff as a result. Trying to minimize the damage. Which of course only intensified it.
I told you she texted me yesterday about some things I had left at her house. Informing me that they were in a bag in her car if I wanted them. I didn't and she asked no questions so I did not respond. There is nothing that isn't replacable and I think seeing my stuff in a garbage bag will certainly not help me feeling like she tossed me away similarly. My emotional state is somewhat fragile and that is the most important thing to me right now.
And then this morning she emailed. Saying the same thing basically. Again no questions... .just informing me that it's there and if I don't come get it she will toss it. Then she ends with I hope you are well... .
So I am uncertain as to whether or not to respond. Thoughts?
To answer your questions, I am nc. I had her blocked on all social media. I have not spoken to her in 3 weeks. When we got back together after the break up one of my boundaries was that if she left again I would be completely gone. I had to be for me She would never hear from me again and I did not want her to contact me. I would essentially disappear.
I intend to keep that boundary. My heart is pretty broken, but I am not the mess I was the last time around. In these past three weeks I have made a ton of positive changes in my life. I quit a job I disliked to follow a dream. I worked with mentally ill people and needed to step away from being surrounded by all that. (Psych nurse) it was too much of a reminder to me.
The first time around I felt like I shattered. I could barely function. I cried all the time. I could hardly do anything. That changed in time and I began to heal... .then she came back.
So this time I am not devestated. I am sad. I wanted it to work. I so so so did. But reality is it didn't. I tried with everything I had but it did not work.
So I am somewhat ambivalent I suppose. I am wiser than I was then. I am stronger. I know the key here is working on me. And I know she is not going to change. The saddest thing for me? My ex is diagnosed. She went thru the treatment. Years of intensive therapy. She has the skills and we talked about it. But as a wise member said my husband has the skills to take out the trash... .it doesn't mean he does it.
I don't regret going back to her surprisingly. It gave me a sense of closure now.
What you say is very wise though... . I need to cut myself some more slack. The first time around I did not have any earthly idea about my issues. I did the best I could at the time. The second time around I knew more, I understood more but I was far from healed. I was better yes, but I had a long way to go. And as much as my inner critic would like to list all the ways I f*cked up massively, In my heart of hearts I know I did the very best I could then too. I wasn't perfect... .but I tried my best. That reminder does help.
I did treat her well. Well I treated her the way I would want to be treated to be more precise. Unfortunately I am now realizing that the way I wanted to be treated was really pretty hurtful to her. If that makes sense?
On a side note... .I read that book you suggested last night. I read thru it pretty quickly and need to go back and read it again but I found it incredibly interesting. I related to so much of the behaviors in it. That's pretty me in a nutshell. Growing up with a BPD mother I am a huge caretaker. I think it's interesting to read the differences too between codependency and CARETAKING. A lot of my stuff I thought was codependency was actually not. I think that knowledge will help actually in my growth. I have been reading a lot about codependency and it didn't seem to really click. But the CARETAKING stuff really does!
Btw I always visit this board on my iPad... .I have no idea why it always capatalizes CARETAKING. Hehe. But it's a pita to go back and change it so I leave it be.
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BorisAcusio
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
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Reply #13 on:
June 16, 2015, 03:49:54 PM »
I'm glad you've shared your experience with us, Allmessedup. It is one of the most thought provoking threads since I joined the community.
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jhkbuzz
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Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
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Reply #14 on:
June 16, 2015, 06:26:17 PM »
Excerpt
And then this morning she emailed. Saying the same thing basically. Again no questions... .just informing me that it's there and if I don't come get it she will toss it. Then she ends with I hope you are well... .
So I am uncertain as to whether or not to respond. Thoughts?
Excerpt
When we got back together after the break up one of my boundaries was that if she left again I would be completely gone. I had to be for me. She would never hear from me again and I did not want her to contact me. I would essentially disappear. I intend to keep that boundary.
I think you have answered your own question... .do you agree?
The saddest thing of all for me to accept is that I loved someone who was so very broken, and that no matter how much I wished it were otherwise, my wishing didn't make it so. It took me months to understand that I had to let her go so I could heal myself.
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Allmessedup
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 300
Re: Was i not just equally hurtful?
«
Reply #15 on:
June 16, 2015, 07:02:28 PM »
thank you Boris. I spend a lot more time on the PI board than any other... .there has been really good information here I have found! Glad to have contributed to that in some way
Jhkbuzz, I do agree. I simply deleted the email. It seemed at first really rude. I always respond to email. But I am not willing to risk my fragile self over social niceties at this point. Besides she didn't ask a direct question. It was just informing me what she was going to do. No need to reply.
It is so hard to let her go. Incredibly hard. I have read many times here that it is a greater kindness to let them go. And I think I am slowly realizing that is true thru this conversation and introspection.
She did a ton of horrible things to me due to her disorder. I did a ton right back that although did not seem harmful to me, we're in fact probably equally harmful to her. I don't believe either of us set out to hurt each other. None of it was purposeful... .intentional... .we were products of our own upbringing and the baggage that came with that.
I can't fix her. But I can fix me. But I can not do that with her. That dance only makes us both sicker.
It is a greater kindness for us both to just let go.
Amu
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