He doesn't understand why I want to maintain the no contact.

[misuniadziubek]

I talked to my BPDbf. 14 days into NC. As per schedule.

He misses me and is scared the relationship might be over. Because I've become distant.

He can't understand why I want to continue the break.

We decided on a single date this week. And then two more week of NC.

And he's like... give me a valid reason for why you want this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

you want this to protect yourself.

he is in the throws of his abandonment issue 

[Notwendy]

Consider boundaries- you are you and your bf is him.

His understanding is his problem. You can not make him understand anything. IMHO, this is a bait into one of those circular arguments. I don't think it matters what your reason is- whatever it is- I suspect he will argue it down.

Any reason you give him is JADE   IMHO. and any JADEing is stepping on to the circular conversation. He is baiting you for a fix- and argument gives him his anger fix. It will upset you and get you all emotional, then the next day you would feel hungover.

Boundaries are upheld through actions, not just talk. You don't need a reason. If you are NC, then you are NC, that's it, any discussion of reasons is breaking your boundary.

[misuniadziubek]

Consider boundaries- you are you and your bf is him.

His understanding is his problem. You can not make him understand anything. IMHO, this is a bait into one of those circular arguments. I don't think it matters what your reason is- whatever it is- I suspect he will argue it down.

Any reason you give him is JADE   IMHO. and any JADEing is stepping on to the circular conversation. He is baiting you for a fix- and argument gives him his anger fix. It will upset you and get you all emotional, then the next day you would feel hungover.

Boundaries are upheld through actions, not just talk. You don't need a reason. If you are NC, then you are NC, that's it, any discussion of reasons is breaking your boundary.

Yes. Just one humongous Y-E-S.

He's having an incredibly hard time with this. He is expressing that intensely. He expected that when he messaged me telling me that he wants to cut the break short that I'll run back telling him how long I've been waiting for him to hear that. And that isn't my reaction. That worries him. I'm aloof and slightly distant, keeping my emotions at bay, and simply validating whatever he tells me. Not getting upset. That leaves him feeling like he is not on stable ground. I've been his punching bag but also the one stability in his life for a long time, so he is feeling like he has nothing to grab onto.

He can't read me. Or manipulate me. - He definitely tried last night. Told me that with the no contact break he worries that he will burn out from the waiting, all of this will scar over and we won't be able to have what we had before.

What scared me for a moment was that when talking to him, I took the bait and I went back into codependent caretaker mode. Almost attempted to manipulate him? Prove something? Momentarily. This lasted no more than a few seconds before I was like - scratch that, never mind. I instantly realised: I have absolutely nothing to prove here. I've said everything I had to say.

In the end, all this tells me is that all of this is real. I've developed habits of JADE-ing and it takes effort to not fall back into that mindset, and I'm proud of myself every time I recognise it and put a stop to it, like I did last night.

Thank you for your support. It really helps me remember why I'm doing this.

[Notwendy]

He's having an incredibly hard time with this. He is expressing that intensely.


Yup, this is his pain, and what is the kindest thing you can do for him now? Go into co-dependent mode and rescue him from it? Let him soothe himself by abusing you and projecting all of that pain onto you?

What happened when you were in pain? Did he help you- no- and then what happened- the pain motivated you to make positive changes in your life, to get stronger, to give yourself a break. To decide that you have self worth and that you do not need to tolerate being treated poorly.

So he's in pain. He's a grown man. It's his pain and he needs to learn how to deal with it in a healthy way- seek positive help like therapy, be motivated to make genuine change. Those are new behaviors for him, he hasn't learned them. He may or may not learn them. For now, he is in pain and he's doing what he knows has worked in the past- reaching out to you to take care of it. But if you do what works for him and jump in to being co-dependent, it is certain that he won't learn something new.

The only chance of him learning something new is to not do the same thing he is used to doing. Now, he may find something new like someone else to do this with, or some other addiction- drugs , alcohol, but none of this has anything to do with you.

So, really, what is the "kindest" thing for him--- being dependent on you to soothe his pain, or letting him learn to take care of his feelings himself?

Take care of yourself Mis. Be kind to yourself. He can take care of himself too... .in the way he knows how.

[misuniadziubek]

He's having an incredibly hard time with this. He is expressing that intensely.


Yup, this is his pain, and what is the kindest thing you can do for him now? Go into co-dependent mode and rescue him from it? Let him soothe himself by abusing you and projecting all of that pain onto you?

What happened when you were in pain? Did he help you- no- and then what happened- the pain motivated you to make positive changes in your life, to get stronger, to give yourself a break. To decide that you have self worth and that you do not need to tolerate being treated poorly.

So he's in pain. He's a grown man. It's his pain and he needs to learn how to deal with it in a healthy way- seek positive help like therapy, be motivated to make genuine change. Those are new behaviors for him, he hasn't learned them. He may or may not learn them. For now, he is in pain and he's doing what he knows has worked in the past- reaching out to you to take care of it. But if you do what works for him and jump in to being co-dependent, it is certain that he won't learn something new.

The only chance of him learning something new is to not do the same thing he is used to doing. Now, he may find something new like someone else to do this with, or some other addiction- drugs , alcohol, but none of this has anything to do with you.

So, really, what is the "kindest" thing for him--- being dependent on you to soothe his pain, or letting him learn to take care of his feelings himself?

Take care of yourself Mis. Be kind to yourself. He can take care of himself too... .in the way he knows how.

Well damn. He called me up to tell me he had a small car accident, so he's not sure if he might not make it Wednesday. I explained, that's fine. Let me know what's going on and what you need.

Then he mentioned how he's been feeling bad again. How he can't cope with the break because he feels so alone. I pointed out, originally you wanted to do 2 months.

He flipped out saying that I was just rubbing it in. Starting to yell.  And I hung up. He called me again. I answered. He was mad that I hung up. I told him I'm sorry that was upsetting for you, but I don't want to talk to you when you yell.

He continued his little mini rage... .but I cut him off and told him I was done talking. This time he hung up.

This is why I needed the break. And months ago, I'd be upset, wanting to calm him down, texting, doing whatever. Right now, I'm sad, but also kind of indifferent. I'm sad he's going through this, but he has to manage his own emotions. I'm not going to be his punching bag.

"Why do you have to do this... every ... .single time... ." - I understand my words left you feeling frustrated, but I'm not going to put up with your rage. Done.

[gah]

Oh my!  You are so strong!  I feel so pathetic and weak and I really want to thank you for writing this now.  I need to read this... .over and over. 

Any secrets to your strength?

[misuniadziubek]

Oh my!  You are so strong!  I feel so pathetic and weak and I really want to thank you for writing this now.  I need to read this... .over and over. 

Any secrets to your strength?

Wow. Here I was feeling so weak after that. Kind of torn about whether i handled it the right way. And you're calling me stong.

All I know is that his rages have left a mark on me and I'm not willing to experience this any more.  If doesn't change that I love him, but his guilt isn't my fault and he has to own his emotions the way I do.

The moment I feel uncomfortable I leave the situation. I have no power to change any of it anymore and will only make myself feel worse.

[misuniadziubek]

The weirdest part in all of this is : It worked.

I wasn't expecting much. But 2 hours later I get a phone call and he's calmer. And he explains to me how my words made him feel. And how hard it is for him to talk to me when I trigger so much guilt in him over having made the decision for the break. I validated that feeling and told him I'd try to avoid talking about whose idea it was. I realise he is projecting onto me. He doesn't like the shift in power balance. He resents it. Expressed that he bets that I'm loving seeing him beg to come back.

Talk about baiting.

But nonetheless, he actually coherently explained himself and his feelings. It just ... .released so much emotion in me. Happiness really. We were actually having a conversation. He's still willing to maintain the break. He mentioned how he was getting so impatient that he was considering just driving up and seeing me anyways. I told him,"I appreciate that you didn't do that and actually respected my wishes regardless of how you felt."

He tells me that his 'fling' with someone else made him realise how dysfunctional our communication is and why he gets so exhausted from talking to me. He had no issues communicating with this person and it was easy and fun. The bitter part of me only thought, Give it another two months, see how that changes.

He also said that 100% of the problems in our relationship are caused by communication issues. All or none eh?

[an0ught]

The weirdest part in all of this is : It worked.

Let me paraphrase: It is weird that boundaries work 

Seriously it is weird. But they do work and the reason is that not the boundary does the work but it ramps up the self-healing in the pwBPD. Our pwBPD are actually quite resourceful when they have to. They can calm down on their own. And calming down alone - when focusing on it - can be much more effective than calming down a relationship where emotions swap back and forth.

I think you handled the accident very well. This is a small emergency and sticking to boundaries in a b&w manner here would not have been called for. Unless we need to be super strict with boundaries (violence, alcohol, first extinction bursts etc.) some flexibility is ok. It is a bit a balancing act to avoid creating incentives to manufacture emergencies and being there when real emergencies happen.