Break Up-Make Up Patterns

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey, I was just thinking... .

did any of you ever notice specific break up make up patterns with your ex?

I noticed after 39 days she would come back... .like clockwork. And usually our last conversation was on the 13th day of our break up and then I would go NC. We would be un-friended on FB and she would usually block me at some point.

I started keeping track in a calendar once I noticed patterns.

I would say she first flipped out at me 2-3 months into the relationship and then there was a lot of push-pull and little break ups where she would change her number or tell me she hated me and never wanted to see me again.

Then, the big break ups were pretty much every three months until this year which was calm (and now I am told that was killing her inside, she felt dead). Now I have been replaced.

It's hard to imagine these patterns not repeating though... .not with me but maybe the replacement.

I know it's wrong to hope but I kinda am. .

[Pretty Woman]

Hey, I was just thinking... .

did any of you ever notice specific break up make up patterns with your ex?

I noticed after 39 days she would come back... .like clockwork. And usually our last conversation was on the 13th day of our break up and then I would go NC. We would be un-friended on FB and she would usually block me at some point.

I started keeping track in a calendar once I noticed patterns.

I would say she first flipped out at me 2-3 months into the relationship and then there was a lot of push-pull and little break ups where she would change her number or tell me she hated me and never wanted to see me again.

Then, the big break ups were pretty much every three months until this year which was calm (and now I am told that was killing her inside, she felt dead). Now I have been replaced.

It's hard to imagine these patterns not repeating though... .not with me but maybe the replacement.

I know it's wrong to hope but I kinda am. .

[valet]

This isn't really a make-up/break-up pattern, but if I about 2 weeks without contacting my ex, she will find a reason to contact me.

Doesn't really bother me too much.

[.cup.car]

Meant to reply yesterday but got way too busy for my own liking.

You wanna see a nutty pattern? For starters, we first got really involved in July of 2010, and had our first big fight/split in December 2010. Reason we broke up? Apparently she's a lesbian. Ok then.

Now watch this.

July 2nd, 2011 - We begin talking out of the blue. Couple weeks later I get these huge messages from her confessing her love for me. By the end of summer she's sending me huge messages explaining that she's a lesbian and I was forcing her to go against her sexuality.

July 6th, 2012 - She calls me crying in the middle of the night begging to get back together. By the end of the summer she is again a lesbian, denies that we ever had a relationship, and claims that I'm stalking her.

July 11th, 2013 - She calls my mom at 5am asking where I lived and what I was doing for work. I got in contact with her through my own means, and for a few weeks in August 2013 my life was chaos. She hit me in some random parking lot when we tried to talk things over, then spent two weeks obsessively texting me until the wee hours of the morning telling me to kill myself. Then claimed I was harassing her.

July 1st, 2014 - Tried to instigate a fight with me on social media. Again, this lasted until the end of August. Court was at the end of September and another date in December. Seemed to have pooped herself out by the first one and didn't show up to the one in December because she was "scared" of me.

April 29th, 2015 - She violated the court order and the police went and had a talk with her.

So uh, it's July in a few weeks... .

[Pretty Woman]

Ok Cup Car... .

if that is not a pattern I don't know what is!

So when she arrives in July she is gone by August each time?

Mine is a lesbian... .we were in a lesbian relationship... .but sometimes I wonder because she has been in poly relationships too (with a man and woman) and that is not me. Sometimes I wonder if she is not actually gay but her sexuality slides because of the disorder. She was also into BDSM where she met "the love of her life" she left me for last summer.

We actually made it a year without a break up... .surprisingly. However I was in a relationship and cheating which I am not proud of. She came back two months into it but I was afraid to break it off with the other person for fear this would happen.

So technically we were together 10mo without a break up... .

however our union was pretty sexless and I was very withdrawn.  Probably depression from constantly being dumped.

The weird thing is she has left me for others in May before and returned in July.  However I never had a replacement here in state so who knows.  

[4Years5Months]

I had seven breakups.  For FOUR straight years, she broke up with me in July, which is the month of my birthday.  I also have my daughter (previous relationship) for extended time in the summer, which she never liked, of course, and so that added to the tension.  Last year, she broke up with me two days after we went out with friends to celebrate my birthday. 

Christmas was also a bad time.  One of the breakups happened around December 20th one year.  My family is big on Christmas, hers is not.  So she would push away around that time to avoid being part of my family's get togethers.

I have been replaced three times, the third one currently still ongoing.  The previous two I was recycled back in/triangulated/she dated both the replacement and I until I was securely back with her, and only THEN she would dump the other guy.  Always overlapping.

[Pretty Woman]

I am sitting here reading this and I am exhausted. Mentally and physically.

Thank you for sharing your personal stories (more are welcome)!

This was the first year we were together for both our birthdays. This big vacation that I am embarking on alone Sat may have been a trigger, don't know.

All I know is this is exhausting. I could sleep for days.

[WhereToBegin]

We broke up in May 2011, May 2012, May 2013 and May 2015.  Not sure what happened in 2014 ... .I think the cycle gets a bit longer each time.

The similarities between stories is truly unbelievable. 

[Pretty Woman]

Wheretobegin,

      How long were you seperated each time? Was there a replacement each time?

It is so eerie how times of the year seem to be the same and the same things said, actions taken.

Mine changed the locks minutes after dumping me, holding me and calling me the love of her life... .

yet she kissed another woman, they are interested in each other and dating.

She spent the night with the woman that very evening!

[WhereToBegin]

Pretty Woman,

Each time was different, but still a very real pattern. 

After May 2011 break-up, back together by July 4.  Yes, replacement ... .or 2.  Likely lined up before break-up. 

After May 2012 break-up, back together by August.  Yes, replacement ... .he recycled with an ex.

May 2013 break-up, back together by Sept/Oct unofficially and officially by Nov/Dec.  He had very public "girlfriend" through September.  I thought the extra time would help, I was wrong.  Yes, replacement was definitely lined up before the break-up.   

May 2015, not back together.  He had new girlfriend within weeks of break up, most certainly lined up before break-up.  This break-up was weeks after we bought new home together.

When will I learn?  Hopefully this time ... .

Nearly same story each time.  I journaled back in the past and the entries could be written today.  I also wrote down some of his text messages, I can find the same ones on my phone today. 

[Pretty Woman]

Wheretobegin,

That sucks that you bought a new home.

I mean, congrats!   but that he would leave again. That really sucks and it isn't fair to you.

Please tell me it's in your name? (the house)

I can honestly say, and this is actually coming from my exes ex (who I am friends with... .this woman is now married and really happy) that I was the "best of the bunch". I really did a lot of special things for my ex. I have no idea what to think or expect but clearly as you and I both know this is not normal. Running off is not normal and we are worth so much more.


Here you are taking care of a house while he runs off. Plans can never be made because ultimately they betray you and you end up being alone. I can't tell you how many Christmases I was alone... .birthdays. Anytime I got dumped it was when I was stressed over something traumatic. So I would be dealing with that AND being dumped because "her highness" felt rejected.

I really started to resent her and pulled back emotionally this year.

In 2013 she left me because I cancelled dinner plans. All of a sudden she was running back to an ex from years ago that just became available.

It all starts out the same... .I'd cry and she would tell me she wasn't going anywhere and that we were best friends... .

then I would try to get closure and she would start blocking me from FB and threatening a Restraining Order.

She even got violent once.

Then she comes back like nothing happened... .and I took her back!

It's hard... .we texted and phoned a lot right up to the break and my phone has been silent the past few weeks. So I am stuck with just my thoughts and ruminations. My therapist asked me what I was so afraid of and I said, "being alone" to which she responded... ."weren't you always alone in this relationship?"

No truer words have ever been said.

[Allmessedup]

I mapped this out one time.  Every two weeks she dysregulated .   Like clockwork.  Every year in the winter and summer it was major.  We actually had a discussion about the winter/summer thing.  Spring and fall seem to be minor stuff.

She broke up with me the first time right after Christmas.  We got act together in April.  Major issues in June.  Major issues in December.   She broke up again 3 weeks ago. 

It is summer after all. 

Sigh.

But I am not going to be around  for all that again. 

Amu

[Pretty Woman]

Good for you, Amu.

Mine moved a mile away from me in January. We bought a dog that lives with her.

I am glad there is a replacement close this time... .a mile away. Working on me.

[.cup.car]

Ok Cup Car... .

if that is not a pattern I don't know what is!

So when she arrives in July she is gone by August each time?

Sometimes it's a little longer, sometimes a little shorter, but yeah.

Crunching the numbers, her next appearance will be midnight between July 4th and July 5th. I wasn't aware mental illnesses had a schedule but I guess this one does.

I think this pattern is partially due to her being triggered by radio/TV/newspaper ads. Each year in early July there's tons of promotion for the IHRA race up here. Radio stations always give away tickets, morning shows head out to the track the week before, tons of ads in the newspapers, articles on the drivers... .My cousins both race in some of the professional categories, and I'm a huge auto racing fan myself, so she probably gets blindsided by nothing but drag racing ads and can't help but think of me.

If you go back through the past five seasons of the IHRA and compare the dates of the Edmonton event to the dates I supplied on page one, it's a natural conclusion.

[RedDove]

Wow CupCar, that's definitely a pattern and crazy stuff! I don't think my ex BPDbf followed a calendar pattern. More of a "supply" pattern.

Sept. 2010 He reconnected with me on FB. We went to HS together. Live in the same small town 1/4 mile away from each other. Idealization, love of his life, perfect woman, blah, blah, blah.

October, 2010 He has health issues. Yet, he recycles an ex, a woman he worked with. I kade surprise visit to hospital and discovered her sitting on his bedside stroking his arm. I broke up with him the next day.

May, 2011 starts emailing me. He misses me, has deep regrets, loves me. Also information about a State Park and camping. Something we had talked about doing together. We get back together. Spend every weekend May-Aug camping together.

Nov. 2011 I see a post on his FB wall from a woman saying "she has the perfect woman for him". I question why this friend would assume he's single. Claimed he was only FB friends with her. He shuts down his FB account. I didn't ask, he just did it. Honestly at the time I thought he cared about me and deeply loved me. We spend Thansgiving, Christmas & New Years together.

March 2012-He has health issues & surgery again. The push/pull starts, only I don't know what to make of it. At this point I knew something was really wrong with him. BUT, didn't know at this point he suffered from BPD.

August, 2012-He rages for the first time when I try to talk to him about spending more time together. It scared me. Here was this quiet, laid back WAIF and he exploded with anger. I know now it was building for a long time. We agree to give each other space. I go away on my annual vacation to the lake. He made an excuse and didn't bother to come see me. I was away for 2 weeks! Later, much later, I discovered he replaced me one week after his rage.

Sept, 2012-haven't seen much of him. Of course Unbeknownst to me he's with the replacement. He texts on my birthday. Offers to stop by. I had a bit too much fun with friends celebrating my bday the night before. I text him I'm sorry, but I'm under the weather. He never attempts to stop by again with a bday card or a gift. He claimed later he was hurt and returned my gift. Yeah, right! Lol! I break up with him again.

March, 2013-His mother is ill. He contacts me for sympathy and support. We spend some time together going out. We visit his Mom in the nursing home. His Mom passes. He seemed to slip into a dark place at that time. He was also still with the replacement #1. We keep in touch spradically via text. By now I'm online researching and trying ro figure out what is wrong with him. What happened to us.

August, 2013-His brother in law succumbs to a battle with cancer and passes away. I fly back 2,000+ miles and cut a business trip short to attend the wake. He tells me family only at funeral. Yet another lie. Newspaper Obit read friends and family welcome. I assume the replacement #1 was his date. I distance myself based upon his treatment towards me.

January, 2014-He starts texting again. Sounds really bad. Wants to meet. We meet up for dinner & drinks. We start hanging out again. I'm still confused by it all and try to talk to him. He shuts down again.

May, 2014-He contacts me again via text. He misses me, loves me, has deep regrets, wants to see me. We spend an afternoon together. He talks about "future plans" for the summer, camping, going on vaca to the Lake with me, etc. We make plans for the next three weekends. He blows me off with excuses amd stories (lies).

I find a slip of paper On his coffee table with another woman's name and phone #. My well intentioned best friend does reverse look up online. I go out with my BFF on a Sat night. She tells me I have to face the truth. She drives to the woman's house. I see my ex BPDbf's car in the drive way. I confront him a few days later. He reveals he's unstable, borderline, am alcoholic and addicted to pain killers. I end it. I go NC. I find BPD family! Thank goodness!

Sept, 2014-He contacts me on a darting site. I shut him down and stay NC.

Nov, 2014-he finds out thru a mutual friend my Dad is having major health issues. Contacts me via text. I purchased a new cell and didn't block him. He's supportive and caring about my Dad. Then it turns to I miss you, deep regrets, I will always love you, blah, blah, blah! By now I've worked on my FOO and co dependcy issues. I don't by into the idealization.

April, 2015-He texts and wants to meet for a drink. Tells me about all of his "horrid" online dating stories. I unblock him on FB for one day. I play detective. Not only did I find  replacement #1 from 2012, but I also found replacement #2 from 2014. Both still orbiting and riding the emotional BPD Rollercoaster. Then I look at "recent" friends and there's at least 2 more women (single) I recognize from the past.

He's lining 'em up (supply) for the summer. He has summers off. He's a teacher. The thing is, not to sound comcieted. Im no 10, maybe a 6! BUT, these women are all 4-5 years older than me. Also, they have NOT aged well! He's just wandering around collecting objects, like at a rummage sale to fill his bottomless need. It's so sad. He repeats the same encounters with the same results over and over again. He'll never learn. The disorder always wins.