Lifelong Stress and Anxiety Dealing with BPD Trait Mother

[bluegums80]

Over two years ago, my mother screamed at me, in a typical moment of insanity, to "go kill myself."  Because my father was having heart trouble at the time, I made the unfortunate decision to move to the Bay Area to be closer to my parents and I put myself in the unfortunate position of needing financial help from them.  I left a much more independent life I was leading in LA (many years of total financial independence there) so that I could live somewhere with better public transit, little knowing that I was walking into a nightmare of financial dependence on my parents and never ending interference, "advice" and control from my mother.  I have vision problems from a LASIK surgery that I had when I was 21 (my mother's idea). Throughout my life my mother has terrorized the family with her control and dominance, expressed most often through trying to control the smallest of monetary choices, the most vivid example of which was when she berated my dad in front of extended family during a vacation over ordering a sider order of guacamole for her granddaughter (her favorite person in the world).  I have had to hide everything I do and try here because there is no room for trying anything, only for perfection and instant success.  When I tried to express the anxiety and stress that this attitude causes me, a visually disabled person who can only use computers for a limited amount of time in the year 2015, she explained that I had to deal with my stress and anxiety on my own, after a lifetime of having to caretake her emotionally.  From a very young age I knew that I had to do everything I could to get away from her, and I moved 3000 miles away from my family at age 19--the smartest thing I ever did.  I had my own life in LA and was in a doctoral program at UCLA that I could not finish due to health and vision issues (which I am convinced are largely a result of a life of stress and anxiety from dealing my mothers' BPD).  Perhaps that was not my calling anyway--school was my original way to escape my mother and always a strength but I was OK not finishing the program.  I have not been able to find a new direction here in the Bay Area (except a little, with the arts) largely because the increased contact with my mother has led to increasingly frequent bouts of anxiety of depression, which, along with my other health issues, have made it impossible for me to work regularly.  Now I get the chance to prove to her what she thought all along, that I am a failure (her own projected sense of being a failure) even though I have been an overachiever all of my life.  My father now regularly hangs up on me when my mom is around so she doesn't know we've been talking, I suppose because he doesn't want to answer her never ending questions (she has never recognized the validity of boundaries nor does she have social tact or sensitivity), only adding to the shame and guilt I have felt throughout my whole life over my existence, and now, my burden on others.  I have no idea how to get out of this situation because my own mental health has deteriorated so much.  I would like to move back across the country and am trying to do so this summer but am in such a pit of despair it feels impossible.  Just writing this makes me feel a little better; thanks for listening to anyone who has read this. 

[bethanny]

Congratulations on knowing to detach out of self-protection.  I appreciate your present plight.  Boy, I remember my mother when she "turned" would say the most devastating things.  But somehow I was supposed to excuse and shelve it to the back because she was so stressed and regard her as a "saint".  That was the image to be presented by our family.  So much denial and minimization and rationalization

I was often during my early adult history financially dependent on my mother adding to my own low self-esteem and frustration, caretaking her needs was an unofficial but priority job in which I was always expected and cued to be inappropriately ALWAYS available for sustained times and also for the numerous crisis-events that happened living with an active alcoholic father.  The financial enabling from her locked me into that child-to-parent symbiosis all the more.

So much I relate to to your share.   

When you wrote:  "no room for trying anything, only for perfection and instant success" I absolutely got chills.  It seems like my mother's ego was so caught up in what I did or didn't do in my life as well as my siblings.  And her over-reaction to unsuccessful attempts at things that were part of the natural development of a person, a testing to see what works and what doesn't in life, and what is satisfying to pursue and nurture in one's life made us all wary of embracing a wider range of life skills. 

I often knew I needed to quit abusive jobs but my mother would VETO my decision and I would let her.  And eventually, I stayed so long I was not only haggard but emotionally wounded from not having been self-protective and proactive by the time I did quit.  I should have followed my screaming inner voice to get out.  Her authority trumped my natural wisdom and need for inner peace, sanity and dignity.  "Rank has its privilege" she would chirp.  Why was I so surprised that she would identify with some toxic authoritarian oppressing me at work? 

Thank God my father was rebellious in his work history and role modeled real spunk in pushing back against personal acts of oppression in terms of a caste system. 

My mother saw me as an indenture servant for her and for the workplace. I suppose that came from her own fear and perfectionism from her background.

Both my parents could be knee-jerk hysterical about money.  My father felt even buying a pack of gum was a sign of recklessness and over-self-indulgence and would launch into diatribes in stores embarrassing me to the nth degree.  It was Pavlovian with him, the malice and feigned horror of me buying ANYTHING. People would crane their necks to see what on earth I was buying and be confused when they saw how small it was.

He would also accuse whoever in the family bought him a nice gift on a special occasion what a FOOL they had been for wasting so much money.  Then like a kid he would take it and enjoy it but only after totally wetblanketing the gifter.

My mother was more insidious and hot and cold about money. Generous with money one second, and vilifying and hysterical about the cost of something the next.  Crazymaking.  But as you make clear, with the BPD there is no questioning her God-like decrees of reality.

Keep writing and doing reality checks here and where you can! Work on LC as much as possible. 

To be continued and good luck.

[lexicat]

I don't have advice but I wanted to let you know I read your post and related to it. For me it's been 10 years since I saw my mother (my choice) but I still come to this board now and then. When I was having my worst struggle with my family this is where I came and it saved me. You might not have an answer right now but you've come to the right place. If something seems insurmountable this place will help you heal 

All the best,

Lexicat

[Leaving]

Bluegums,

You're not alone   Glad that you found this wonderful place. 

I've read your post and I just wanted to suggest that you read or listen to the book by Eleanor Payson called, ' The Wizard of Oz and other narcissists" if you haven't already.   I listen to it often and I believe it's one of the most well written books on the topic. 

Just this morning I was listening to the chapter about how and why children of narcissists end up returning to their families and finding themselves financially dependent on them and unable to find direction and focus in their lives.  When I read that bit in your post, I knew I had to recommend this book.  Please read it or download for listening.  I know you will find it a validating source of information that will help you. 

You are very wise and aware which is wonderful and puts you even closer to recovery.   It takes time and the experience of sharing with others who understand to fully understand  the extent of our wounds and how they are currently affecting us. I'm still discovering the WHOLE TRUTH about my mother (NPD/BPD) and myself. 

[Leaving]

Both my parents could be knee-jerk hysterical about money.  My father felt even buying a pack of gum was a sign of recklessness and over-self-indulgence and would launch into diatribes in stores embarrassing me to the nth degree.  It was Pavlovian with him, the malice and feigned horror of me buying ANYTHING. People would crane their necks to see what on earth I was buying and be confused when they saw how small it was.

He would also accuse whoever in the family bought him a nice gift on a special occasion what a FOOL they had been for wasting so much money.  Then like a kid he would take it and enjoy it but only after totally wetblanketing the gifter.

My mother was more insidious and hot and cold about money. Generous with money one second, and vilifying and hysterical about the cost of something the next.  Crazymaking.  But as you make clear, with the BPD there is no questioning her God-like decrees of reality.

Hi Bethany,

Interesting about the different perspectives on money.  I too have experienced the same dynamics in my family.

My mother's mother was like your father

My mother was like your mother

My brother is a banker that is terrified of spending money on himself but ironically is the only person in my family who has money and never uses it as a way to control anyone.  He's actually generous about helping others ( not enabling though).

I've always hated money and wanted nothing to do with it which is not good- especially now that I'm getting older.

This topic about money might make a good new topic for discussion... maybe?

[bethanny]

Leaving, thanks for your comments.  I have big issues with money still.  I feel like both parents hypnotized me into believing I would never be a successful, self-supporting adult.  There was no teaching about such skills only hysteria when any of us kids made mistakes handling money.  Then shaming.  It would make a good topic. I want to run away from the subject.  One of many topics that make me want to put my head in the sand!  Sigh.

[Leaving]

Leaving, thanks for your comments.  I have big issues with money still.  I feel like both parents hypnotized me into believing I would never be a successful, self-supporting adult.  There was no teaching about such skills only hysteria when any of us kids made mistakes handling money.  Then shaming.  It would make a good topic. I want to run away from the subject.  One of many topics that make me want to put my head in the sand!  Sigh.

Same here Bethany. Don't feel ashamed. You would be shocked at the number of people who have made horrible financial decisions and you might be surprised at how truly smart and wise AND capable you are to manage your finances compared to others.  Always remember that what makes us feels small causes us to perceive others as larger/better.  When we feel stupid, we think others are more intelligent.  When I'm poor, I think everyone else is financially secure.     

My grandmother had money and she knew how to use it very wisely and was a master of finance and investing. She never ever shared any information with me that would enable me to be self reliant and financially successful.  All she did was encourage me to save and not buy 7-11 coffee and other unnecessary junk.  But, teaching a child things without putting them into a broader context is pointless really.   My brother is a banker and investor and never offers any advice to me.  I've asked for advice but he always skirts around the question and avoids sharing.   Suze Orman understands that these dysfunctional and abusive dynamics relating to money exist in families and she has written and spoken about it many times.  It's a shame that money becomes a means of controlling, manipulating, shaming and abusing family members.