100 Days Out and N/C

[dagwoodbowser]

I havnt seen my BPDx in over 120 days and been in No Contact for 100. When I first arrived here I was a broken shell of a human. My mind was distorted, my health was poor and I had an unsuccessful suicide attempt because I was dropped for the 4th time by my BPDx after a highly intense and emotional 2 years. The first few times I was dropped I blamed myself and so badly wanted another try. My wish came true and by the 3rd drop I began to realize it wasnt me. Each time I went back I set stronger and stronger boundaries for myself and my X only took it as a challenge and very personally. Each break up was more humiliating than the previous. A BPD's life is so out of control that they have to be in control of everyone else around them. I put up with way too many lies and deception, constant cheating and false calls to law enforcement when she didnt get her way.

100 days out now I am regaining my peace. My health is so much better. I hardly obsess or think about her anymore. Thanks to my Dr. and Effexor on the high end dose I am no longer in a dark pit of depression or poisionus thinking. The days of desperatly waiting to hear from her or my wanting to make contact are almost nill. I still have a few brief periods where I start to think about her but I remind myself of how toxic an impact she has on my mind, psyche, health and spirit. I realize she will never get better and I had the opportunity to give it multiple trys. If you're wanting another try, it will only lead to more of the same and worse.

For those of you in those first few days or weeks all I can advise is that each day you put one foot in front of the other. There's no magic here. It's a daily grind of suffering but before you know it 30 days will pass, then another 30. If you cant handle the pain or the coping please see a Dr. While anti-depressants do have side effects the positives of controling the darkness and obsessions is well worth it. Stay on the Boards and learn the patterns, the facts and realities, eliminate all triggers relating to your X to include pictures, emails, texts, gifts and especially Facebook. Bear in mind that any contact with your BPDx will Not turn out as you think it will. Stay in N/C!

If someone like me that could never previously stay in N/C, didnt think I would survive this all I can tell you 100 days later is that you can! Hope this helps someone.

[Chrisbazsky77]

Thank you so much for this! And YES, its helping ME! I gave my undiagnosed husband of 4 years many chances and finally realised that I can't build a home or start a family with someone who is unstable, aggressive in seconds over silly things and who is going for treatment but not being completely honest with his T

I have a protection order in place and will still have send the balance of his personal belongings to his father who will give it to him.So the complete NC is still a challenge right now beacuse of this.

I really admire your strength, I am a few days in NC and I find myself doubting my choice of being alone, I end up crying and missing his voice or touch, I feel like death when I enter the home and he's not there. I do try to remind myself of the bad, toxic bits-then I get jolted back to reality. However, not long afterward, all the feelings come back and I start hurting so badly.

When I first started out here I was "undecided" then I jumped to "staying" and the fact that I'm here in "leaving" board, reading how others are coping, I realise I mean business about getting my life back.

Just practically getting there is what I need to keep learning here.

Thank you for your words-they are really helping me right now. I will read over and over if I have to-until it becomes truth to me.

[greenmonkey]

I am now at about 207 days of no contact.

My head is clear, I am so much happier. I am back at work after a long interval out due to uBPDex who tried to destroy me financially, emotionally, psychologically. I am so very aware of the importance of no contact.

She has used a fake FB profile to add my daughter, withheld numbers again to my daughters mobile, turned up at my house (I moved nearly 2 hours away), I now have CCTV. I have a log going back for the last 7 months since I evicted her, should I need it of every action of hers, phone, internet etc.

It is a blip an inconvenience, but I am so much stronger and happier she will never get close to me again. I am not ready to even entertain another relationship at the moment, I am just very happy being single and having my life back.

I am so pleased that this forum has confirmed her text book behaviour and actions, and it has made me so aware of red flags, that any red flags appear from anyone - I step way back and assess as opposed to ignoring them.

Thank you everyone on here - you helped to save my sanity

[dagwoodbowser]

I really admire your strength, I am a few days in NC and I find myself doubting my choice of being alone, I end up crying and missing his voice or touch, I feel like death when I enter the home and he's not there. I do try to remind myself of the bad, toxic bits-then I get jolted back to reality. However, not long afterward, all the feelings come back and I start hurting so badly.

Chrisbazsky77: You actually have the same strength if not more. First 14-15 days are the toughest, but If you have made a decision fight through it each day. After 30-45 days promise you will get back control of your emotions. You will still hurt but not as bad. Hang in there, make a List of all his good qualities and then all the negatives you can Not tolerate or live with and view that list frequently.

Best wishes.

[Madison66]

Congrats to all the posters here who are successfully maintaining n/c and moving on to a healthy and happy life free of abuse.  I'm now going on 20 months out of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  There were so many ups and downs and hard lessons and wisdom gained during the better part of the last two years.  The ripple effects on our lives, relationships, etc. for getting out and staying out of these abusive r/s will go on for years and years and years.  Cheers to all!

[DyingLove]

Dagwood, darn you are good!  Congrats to you.  I'm happy for you and I believe every syllable!  It is true.  I don't have a therapist, I have the boards here and a few choice friends and I'm not on any meds, but I have started taking sam-e and I think it's def doing something good.  Thanks for riding along side me and others here, I've got good numbers under my belt too.  I hate being proud of the numbers, but I am proud to be recouping my life!  Who would have ever thought we'd be fighting this battle.  Some crazy stuff!

[Chrisbazsky77]

Thank you, being here really means so much! Its strength and truth and will keep coming back for more... .when I doubt, when I fear, when I feel alone.

I feel better knowing there are others that have passed this phase and have come out feeling happier and free.

Best wishes to all who were and are in my shoes!

[DyingLove]

Congrats to all the posters here who are successfully maintaining n/c and moving on to a healthy and happy life free of abuse.  I'm now going on 20 months out of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  There were so many ups and downs and hard lessons and wisdom gained during the better part of the last two years.  The ripple effects on our lives, relationships, etc. for getting out and staying out of these abusive r/s will go on for years and years and years.  Cheers to all!

Ripple effect, collateral damage, trickle down effect.  It affects EVERYTHING in our life. Period. We don't deserve this.  What the heck did we all do in life to get this royal shafting?  We wanted to love?  We trusted?  We gave our heart?  What else do we do to get so messed over with?  Today I'm really angry.  It's got a touch of sad, but it's mainly anger today.  I don't like it.  Damn I wish I had a double quarter pounder with cheese!

[jalen]

3 months n/c aswell deleted her number, mutual friends numbers fb, all photos at start of b/u, still miss her deeply still cry at for her. Wasn't even a b/u just a disappearance one weekend. I feel as if I'm trapped in wayward pines trying to find a way out

[dagwoodbowser]

3 months n/c aswell deleted her number, mutual friends numbers fb, all photos at start of b/u, still miss her deeply still cry at for her. Wasn't even a b/u just a disappearance one weekend. I feel as if I'm trapped in wayward pines trying to find a way out

Once you reach that point where you can "step out" of the infatuation and have realized that pain and anguish you feel now is far more intense than those few minutes or hours of sexual/sensual addiction or come to understand that the Words do not match up with the Actions you Logic will start to take over your Emotions. However, you need to stay in N/C for 30 days or more and keep reminding yourself about the negatives vs. the few things that are possible pluses yet likely not really real or enduring. Keep at it