how to handle when pwBPD gets mad about something

[Depression = 72% of members]

My long-term girlfriend has BPD. After 5.5 years of insane turmoil within our relationship, I finally learned what BPD is and now I'm trying to rebuild things (including my own feelings) based on this new understanding. While this new perspective allows for a giant shift in my reaction towards her behavior, it's still extremely hard for me to not be affected by her actions. The issue I'm struggling the most with is her getting mad about things that I feel she has no justification for being mad about. In turn, I get mad at her (although I'm trying to conceal the fact I'm mad so that I don't fuel the fire) and I can't force myself to show her compassion... .its like something inside of me is stubborn and knows that she's not justified in being mad about something, which makes it impossible to be the one to try and fix things.

I guess I'm hoping someone out there has some input on what worked for them in these situations.

If I could just drop my own stubbornness and "make nice" I think she would stop being mad. But some part of my subconscious feels like that would be "rewarding" her behavior, like giving a kid a piece of candy to stop a temper tantrum. I simply can't muster up an apology for something I genuinely feel doesn't deserve an apology... .she should be the one apologizing, yet I'm not even concerned about receiving an apology; I just want her to stop being mad.

[joshman678]

My long-term girlfriend has BPD. After 5.5 years of insane turmoil within our relationship, I finally learned what BPD is and now I'm trying to rebuild things (including my own feelings) based on this new understanding. While this new perspective allows for a giant shift in my reaction towards her behavior, it's still extremely hard for me to not be affected by her actions. The issue I'm struggling the most with is her getting mad about things that I feel she has no justification for being mad about. In turn, I get mad at her (although I'm trying to conceal the fact I'm mad so that I don't fuel the fire) and I can't force myself to show her compassion... .its like something inside of me is stubborn and knows that she's not justified in being mad about something, which makes it impossible to be the one to try and fix things.

I guess I'm hoping someone out there has some input on what worked for them in these situations.

If I could just drop my own stubbornness and "make nice" I think she would stop being mad. But some part of my subconscious feels like that would be "rewarding" her behavior, like giving a kid a piece of candy to stop a temper tantrum. I simply can't muster up an apology for something I genuinely feel doesn't deserve an apology... .she should be the one apologizing, yet I'm not even concerned about receiving an apology; I just want her to stop being mad.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

you need to look after you, its a good goal to stay calm but not easy.

if you are having issues staying calm walk away and calm down.

not easy not right not fair but its what we have to do

[cloudten]

Several things i find help me a lot in my relationship (i am non, he is the pwBPD).

1. You are NOT responsible for her happiness. Plain and simple. The ONLY person responsible for her happiness is her. Just the same, the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU  If you are waiting for her to make you happy, you are going to wait a very very very long time. Does that mean you can't try to make her happy? Not necessarily. You can try to make her happy, do nice things for her, love her... .but you must change your expectations, and you must mind your motivations... .while you might do it to try to please her... .you must do it because it makes you happy. Hope that makes sense.

2. Don't give more than you get... .unless you do it selflessly without expectations for your giving to be reciprocated. It probably will not be reciprocated... .and if it is... .never to the extent to which you may expect or desire.

3. Validate their feelings. You dont have to agree, but simply acknowledge that they feel the way they feel. At times, whether i believe this or not, i will say something to this effect and quite like it: Your feelings make sense. Not only do i hear you, but i understand why you feel the way you do. You are not bad or wrong or crazy for feeling the way you do. 

Sometimes when i feel like the crazy one, i wish someone would say this to me.

4. Go to therapy... .for yourself. I fought going- and expect your therapist to tell you to run. However... .this is the single most important and helpful thing i have done. The fact is, you have been traumatized by the push and pull and manipulation. Put yourself first for a change. Focus on you. It may i.prove your relationship... .but most importantly it will help you heal the damage that has been done... .regardless of the relationship. I am convinced healthy people attract healthy people, and vice versa.

5. Put you first. Get out and do things that make you happy. Sometimes that means letting his dysregulation roll of my back, turn off my phone, and do whatever it is i need for serenity.

These are the things that have helped me a the most  I (we) have a long way to go... .but i feel this relationship has never been better.

[cloudten]

And sometimes... .i just have to remind myself that his crazy is not my crazy. His circus doesnt have to be my circus. I am not responsible for it, and i can walk away. Lately he has been particularly dysregulated... .and that is when i try to remind him that i love him, however i am going to go to the gym, or shopping, out with a girlfriend, etc.

[Ceruleanblue]

Good advice from Cloudten. I too am the non, married to BPDh. I think trying to validate is huge, and it doesn't mean you actually agree with them, it's just finding a feeling they are having that you can validate.

You just realized what the issue could be, so it will take time to learn how best to deal with it, what will work and what won't. It's trial and error, and we nons really can make a big change in the relationship. It's hard, but it is much easier to work on ourselves than to sit around and expect pwBPD to change, because that likely just won't happen. My BPDh is now in DBT therapy(when he doesn't cancel), and there has been a big shift, but it's still not anywhere what I'd consider a normal marriage, and probably never will be.

[joshman678]

Thanks for the responses. She's agreed to go to therapy, but she hasn't started... .I'm worried about spending time & money on therapy for me, if she hasn't begun her own therapy yet, because I'm afraid if I start trying to help myself heal when she's still in the same BPD condition; I'm afraid my own healing efforts will be undermined... .like picking a scab and making the scar worse. Do you have any input on this? Is therapy for me still worthwhile even if she's not working towards a potential change for herself?

[cloudten]

YES

I certainly understand and appreciate your thoughts and feelings about the money, time, and effectivness of therapy for yourself.  In my opinion, absolutely 100000% yes. Therapy for yourself is completely worth while.

I think couples counseling is a waste of money. It turns into a battle ground and a blame game.

Even if she is or isn't in the picture- you have healing to do. The triggers you describe in your opening post need to be addressed in therapy... .and good news- can and do improve when you have concrete ways of dealing with it. Google "psychological abuse"... .and I almost guarantee you have suffered psychological abuse at the hands of your girlfriend. If she has threatened suicide- that is psychological abuse. If she has threatened to hurt you, hurt people you love, or hurt herself, that is psychological abuse. If she has alienated you from family and friends- that is psychological abuse.

Even if you have never been psychologically abused by her, you probably need to figure out why you are attracted to a person like her. What need are you fulfilling within yourself that you tolerate her and her behavior?  If you don't address why you are attracted to this type of personality, you will fall into the same relationship trap again with the next person. Maybe you are co-dependent... .maybe you like to fix things... .maybe you like being the savior. IDK. Therapy will help you figure it out though.

Regardless of her and whether or not she goes to therapy--- Yes, I believe you need to go. It will help you discover and heal yourself. It will help you become stronger and set boundaries for yourself.

Guess what- one of my boundaries is that if he stops going to therapy------ I'm out. I'm done. I'm gone. He knows this. He has taken it very seriously (although I think I am lucky)... .and he continues therapy.

If you are serious about healing yourself, your efforts won't be undermined. Yes, therapy for you is still worth it... .especially if you break up... .because that presents a whole new set of problems like post-traumatic stress and detachment.

[cloudten]

The way I saw it when I started therapy- I didn't have anything to lose besides cash. Even though I am broke- I still go to therapy... .it is that important to me. Therapy has at least gotten me to a place that I know if the relationship ends with my BPD, I will be okay.

Haha-- my pwBPD had therapy today. He called me after- he said "I call my dr. my 'anti-stabbing' dr. He helps keep me from stabbing people, which, apparently, is illegal in some places."

While I think this was "sort of" a joke... .it is very much true. His therapist helps him deal with stuff that friends, family, and myself cannot help him with. I think he has actually come to embrace it.

Give yourself several sessions... .make yourself go to several times... .set a number. But it will take more than 2 or 3 sessions.

[an0ught]

Hi joshman,

The issue I'm struggling the most with is her getting mad about things that I feel she has no justification for being mad about. In turn, I get mad at her (although I'm trying to conceal the fact I'm mad so that I don't fuel the fire) and I can't force myself to show her compassion... .its like something inside of me is stubborn and knows that she's not justified in being mad about something, which makes it impossible to be the one to try and fix things.

that is a common dynamic and you can't break out of it as long you maintain a judgmental attitude regarding her emotions. Emotions are hard to control perfectly even for people who are trained. Your gf is the opposite of trained. Her emotions simply are overwhelming - more like a teen or toddler.

You however have a choice. You can either be irritated by her loosing logic, talking nonsense, behaving odd etc. and then becoming angry yourself. Or you can choose to be irritated, acknowledge that she is not making sense to yourself (aka. self validation letting you to regulate own strong emotions) and spend your attention on figuring out what emotion is driving her today. If you get it right - often fear, anxiety, fear of abandonment but also excitement, tiredness etc - then providing validating feedback can help her calming down.

As a distressed pwBPD is mostly feeling extreme negative feelings it usually boils down to voicing or otherwise displaying negative emotions. Not always easy but doable. Done right (finding the cues that work in your relationship takes a few attempts) it will help her to calm down and you to better understand and predict her.

[joshman678]

Thank you all who responded to my message. I see some of you with hundreds or thousands of postings and you're truly awesome for taking time to help contribute to new people like me who are just now learning about BPD. I've never been part of a support group before. Thank you. I wish they would have taught about this stuff growing up in school instead of what x + y =