Did moving far away from BPD mom help you?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm just so sick of living geographically close to my unBPD monster. I'm LC but constantly fending her off and battling to limit contact with my 3 year old and she keeps damn pulling. It's getting worse and worse and I'm losing my mind with the constant pulling. I've been married almost 13 years. I told my husband 10 years ago that I need to be away from this woman geographically because I'll never be completely happy near her and don't want to raise my kids near her. He didn't listen. Said I should stay and confront and blah blah blah logic of guy who doesn't have a BPD mom. So we did. I was diagnosed with MS and my husband had a heart attack at age 40. And our marriage is in the pits. I wanted to move because I thought a fresh start away  from all this in a new location could help us salvage our marriage. Now there is so much anger and resentment I don't even know that there is much left to salvage. We are trying for our 3 year old and NOW my husband is trying to move... .

So questions,

- did moving away from BPD mom help you mentally?

- were you better able to handle the fog from a distance?

- were u better able to focus on your own life/family/kids?

- did it improve your relationship with significant other?

- what were challenges?

Thank you!

[MiserableDaughter]

I'm just so sick of living geographically close to my unBPD monster. I'm LC but constantly fending her off and battling to limit contact with my 3 year old and she keeps damn pulling. It's getting worse and worse and I'm losing my mind with the constant pulling. I've been married almost 13 years. I told my husband 10 years ago that I need to be away from this woman geographically because I'll never be completely happy near her and don't want to raise my kids near her. He didn't listen. Said I should stay and confront and blah blah blah logic of guy who doesn't have a BPD mom. So we did. I was diagnosed with MS and my husband had a heart attack at age 40. And our marriage is in the pits. I wanted to move because I thought a fresh start away  from all this in a new location could help us salvage our marriage. Now there is so much anger and resentment I don't even know that there is much left to salvage. We are trying for our 3 year old and NOW my husband is trying to move... .

So questions,

- did moving away from BPD mom help you mentally?

- were you better able to handle the fog from a distance?

- were u better able to focus on your own life/family/kids?

- did it improve your relationship with significant other?

- what were challenges?

Thank you!

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear about your struggle. You’re talking about big decisions, so my answer comes with the big caveat that I do not recommend anything for you in this situation, I'll just let you know my personal experience.

Moving away geographically had the big advantage of having a good reason for not being the one that has to run around their house every time my BPD shroud waves or does her waif thing. There is still the demand for phone time, but again it’s easier to say “I have to go because... .” on the phone without the fear she’ll just pop around. But this is balanced against being in a new area and possibly away from other friends. However, if you have a 3 years old, it’s best to move before they get into schooling and form friendships. Hope that helps. All the best . 

[claudiaduffy]

In one word: YES. Yes it did.

I have lived a 12-hour (or more) drive away from my uBPDmom ever since I was 20 years old and it was still a long, hard journey to get un-enmeshed with her, but oh my goodness, so much easier than it would have been with her closer.

Now she's facing permanent disability and keeps talking about selling her house and moving to be near to me and my siblings (who are only 2 hours away from me.) I keep changing the subject when she brings it up. Fortunately she is very... .slow to act on her impulses, fears change, and is unlikely to pull it off anytime soon, if ever.

I hope your impending move will help out as you work on healing your marriage and protecting your daughter.

[Leaving]

It sounds like you're fed up and would be happier creating that physical distance but there are lots of things to consider. You have a lot going on and it's a shame that your marriage has suffered because of all the drama. I know you probably feel somewhat abandoned by your husband's lack of empathy and wisdom but try not to let resentments build and hinder progress.  He has a lot on his plate as well and not able to juggle it as well as you do.  I hate making excuses for people because I am married to a NPD/BPD husband and I know how alone you feel but, I'm just trying to inspire more objective and compassionate thinking.  Your family is the priority, no doubt.  Would couple's therapy be an option for you?  I think it would help the two of you to reconnect with a fresh start if you're both willing to make that commitment.

In reality, physical distance doesn't always create emotional distance and therefore doesn't always ease our emotional suffering. When I first went NC, my counselor pointed out that I needed to learn how to enforce boundaries with people whether I'm one mile or a thousand miles apart or else the physical distance won't improve things and may even make things harder on me. 

Distancing yourself physically certainly helps limit physical contact but it doesn't guarantee that you will feel better if you  feel guilty doing so. To be more specific, you must believe that you are justified in setting that boundary and not feel guilty for doing so or you will end up full of anxiety and feeling an unhealthy obligation to connect via phone or perhaps visit on holidays, special occasions.  Even if you find that distance makes it easier to make excuses for not being able to visit, you might end up feeling guilty for making the excuses!   There are lots of things to consider about yourself and your relationship.  I would hate to see you end up burdened with guilt and feeling obligated to devote even more energy and money ( travel, loss of work, etc... ) to manage the drama from a distance.  All that won't help your marriage.   So, it's important to know whether the physical distance is just creating a way to avoid and repress unexpressed emotions or if you find it necessary to distance yourself in order to reinforce emotional boundaries to lead a happy and healthy life.   

Keep in mind, your mother may not give a hoot about your happiness, health or your marriage and may even hope it does fail.  My mother deliberately rigged her relationships with her children ( and our spouses) in such a way that it guaranteed a failed marriage so that we would ultimately end up alone and all hers.  Wish I had been wiser years ago because I would have made NC much sooner and I'd probably still be married to a wonderful man today. 

Hope that helps. 

[MiserableDaughter]

Thank you very much. Why I want to move is for a few different reasons. You see, my husband resents me for not handling my mother in the confrontational way he would have... .And I resent him not understanding that I tried and you cannot reason with my mother... .Just results jn more drama. I resent that he never heard me saying I wanted to move for so so long. And what happens here is every other week my mom starts pulling for more... .More time with my son or just finds a reason to play victim because she thinks she doesn't get enough attention from us. In turn even if I hide it, my husband notices and this this triggers his resentment again and he again says how I need to deal with her. This then triggers my resentment thinking that I so should have been far away from all this... .So I want to move because I don't want to be surrounded by my mom'a roller coaster and constant chaos anymore. She keeps pulling because I am here. What if I wasn't? I need a "quiet" environment to gain a more objective perspective to all this. Right now I'm just buried. I need to get away and breathe and work on creating safety and happiness and have Abrams new start for me and my husband. And I think a fresh place

[MiserableDaughter]

Sorry I posted too soon. A fresh place would do us good. And most importantly, I don't want my son around her much. She competes with me, is weirdly obsessed and tries to brainwash him at the age of 3. She already does the "do you love me? Are you sure?" Crap to him and he just turned 3. I don't want him exposed to even 5% of what I was exposed to. And knowing myself I'm pushed into letting them see him at least once every two weeks and she's pulling for more sleepovers etc now... .So in many ways I'm thinking moving would be good for us... .

[Leaving]

Thank you very much. Why I want to move is for a few different reasons. You see, my husband resents me for not handling my mother in the confrontational way he would have... .And I resent him not understanding that I tried and you cannot reason with my mother... .Just results jn more drama. I resent that he never heard me saying I wanted to move for so so long. And what happens here is every other week my mom starts pulling for more... .More time with my son or just finds a reason to play victim because she thinks she doesn't get enough attention from us. In turn even if I hide it, my husband notices and this this triggers his resentment again and he again says how I need to deal with her. This then triggers my resentment thinking that I so should have been far away from all this... .So I want to move because I don't want to be surrounded by my mom'a roller coaster and constant chaos anymore. She keeps pulling because I am here. What if I wasn't? I need a "quiet" environment to gain a more objective perspective to all this. Right now I'm just buried. I need to get away and breathe and work on creating safety and happiness and have Abrams new start for me and my husband. And I think a fresh place

MD,

I understand why you want to leave and I don't blame you one bit.  Confrontational people like your husband tend to marry or partner up with non-confrontational people ( law of attraction) and it sounds to me like he doesn't understand that and expects you to handle things like he would. Not everyone is good at handling difficult people and a BPD person is well, as you know, over the top.   Moving is a huge undertaking and your husband probably resented that you would go to that much trouble instead of resolving the issue.  He doesn't understand, doesn't want to or perceives you as  just want to ' run away' and avoid.  Once again, i highly recommend couple's therapy because you need a safe and objective place to express yourselves and receive validation AND learn to communicate effectively with each other.  Before you move, you need to leave all the resentments behind and share an equal commitment to a fresh start together in a new place.  If you don't resolve some issues, you're going to carry all that emotional baggage with you.  Moving to a new place is very stressful and if you're not working together, drama and more resentments may get fueled. 

I really hope that you and your husband can agree to work on strengthening the trust, respect and love in your marriage together