Exhaustion

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Question: Have you ever been so tired or emotionally drained in your life?

This marks my 3rd discard for someone else (replacement) and I am beyond tired. I vacilate between sad, angry, content... .I have PTSD, a little shaking but this time I am just wiped out... .

I could sleep for weeks.

I am leaving for Mexico Saturday on a trip I did not want to take after all this happened a few weeks ago (she was supposed to go) but now I am looking forward to relaxing... .no phone, no connection other than to the people I will be meeting there.

I am not sure if she is ever coming back. I know this is the leaving board but some of the anxiety is I know she stays in contact with ALL her exes and checks up on them... .she's bounced around three exes for years... .what makes me any different (other than I am now in the know about BPD)?

Her last breakup email in 2013 was identical to what she said to me this time... .we are better friends and I just wasn't here (or present) in the relationship. Yet she loved me very much.

But she came back.

This time I am just so tired.  :)id you get depressed and just exhausted after multiple recycles?

[Pretty Woman]

Question: Have you ever been so tired or emotionally drained in your life?

This marks my 3rd discard for someone else (replacement) and I am beyond tired. I vacilate between sad, angry, content... .I have PTSD, a little shaking but this time I am just wiped out... .

I could sleep for weeks.

I am leaving for Mexico Saturday on a trip I did not want to take after all this happened a few weeks ago (she was supposed to go) but now I am looking forward to relaxing... .no phone, no connection other than to the people I will be meeting there.

I am not sure if she is ever coming back. I know this is the leaving board but some of the anxiety is I know she stays in contact with ALL her exes and checks up on them... .she's bounced around three exes for years... .what makes me any different (other than I am now in the know about BPD)?

Her last breakup email in 2013 was identical to what she said to me this time... .we are better friends and I just wasn't here (or present) in the relationship. Yet she loved me very much.

But she came back.

This time I am just so tired.  :)id you get depressed and just exhausted after multiple recycles?

[Invictus01]

I lost my ability to sleep for months, I could only sleep 4 hours a night. If I went to bed at 10 pm, I'd wake up at 2 am, midnight - 4 am. Pick a 4 hour time window, that's what I'd sleep. I'd wake up like I woke up seeing the worst nightmare of my life, almost jumping out of the bed. I'd go a week or two like that, then I'd have a day when I would just come home from work and go straight to bed, completely dead.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, the chaos, uncertainty and mixed messages in the relationship were just exhausting, as were the anger, rage and second guessing once I left her.  The best thing we can do for ourselves is take care of ourselves very well while we're feeling everything all the way, the only way out is through, having faith the emotions will pass once we've processed them, which they will.

And then the cool thing?  Once we remove the crazymaking from our lives and find some true peace and contentment again, we value it more, we always value something we lost and then get back more.  And then we can sit in it and bliss out, as life gets very, very good.  

First things first though: taking care of yourself very well, clean food, light on the booze and caffeine, lots of water, sleep as much as you can and if you can't sleep at least rest, not too much exercise but at least some, go outside and breathe some fresh air, and if there's nature close, go there, the planet knows how to heal us, and hang out with kind people who want what's best for us.  Sit yourself in that healthy soup and let it hold you while you feel, and you will heal.  Take care of you!

[Allmessedup]

That utter exhaustion is familiar to me too.   

As is the fear/anxiety of her coming back.  If you look at my old posts you will see a thread about her saying she will always come back before we broke up.  Shortly thereafter she did. 

It is a rough rough space to be in.

But my exhaustion was much worse in the relationship to be honest.  All the twisting I did to attempt to make her happy... .or at least not dysregulated just drained the life out of me.

I am three weeks out of the second major break up (there were probably 30 or so break up recycles that were really short early in our relationship.  And I find that I sleep much better and wake up happier than I have for a long time.   I have bad days.  Plenty of them.  But I am taking my control back piece by piece.

I think your trip to Mexico will be a big step in your healing.  It sounds like it will be a safe place for you and I think we all can use a safe place to heal for a bit.  No chance for her to contact you should also help the anxiety levels and subdue the fear a bit.

I think it would be really hard to do the work for a trip when you feel like doing nothing at all... .but I also think it would be well worth it .

As for what makes you different than the other exes?  Well that's more up to you.  You have control over whether she contacts you or not really.  We are all able to block email, social media, texts.  You can return things unopened and screen phone calls.   You do not have to reply, short of showing up on your doorstep you can control that.

Nc or LC  is always open for debate here on this board.  But if you go nc for the right reasons (to heal yourself and not to punish your ex) it can be a tool that can help.

Personally I have blocked my ex on social media.  I have not blocked email or text yet.  She has both texted and emailed in less than 24 hours.  But she didn't ask a question.  Just told me that my stuff was in a bag in her car if I wanted it.  If not she would toss it. 

I chose to delete both. I did not respond.  I don't want or need anything that I left there, and she said if I didn't retrieve it she would toss it.  That's fine.  I don't really need to respond.

I have no interest in entering a conversation with her about it.  That gets to be my choice now.

Make sense?

Amu

[Pretty Woman]

Amu,

  You sound really healthy.

I know I am not there yet but I will be.  I got all my stuff back right away which made her mad (she said her back was hurting her) but I wanted it all back so we wouldn't have to associate later.

It's hard. I loved this person but clearly I didn't know this person. Same shyt another day. I could never rely nor trust her at all.

[DyingLove]

May God bless you all.  I know the exhaustion very well.  Went thru a period at the very end before leaving where I didn't sleep for about 4 days, only minutes at a time.  She was away and didn't want to come home. It was devastating to me.  The other night I had a terrible dream that was so realistic.  I woke up so confused and messed up. I've done the shakes too.  Just couldn't stop shivering from nerves.  I've come a long way.  Glad you brought this topic up.

[Allmessedup]

Ahh pretty woman... .your response made me laugh!

I am very far from healthy still.  So very far in my mind actually, but like you I know I will get there.

I told her bluntly if she broke up and took off again that would be it.  I have put up with a lot of sh*t from her.   More than I should have really.  But I can not keep being just tossed away like garbage.  I am NOT garbage.

I love her massively.  She hurt me, I hurt her too.  I realize this. But I gave things a second chance and did the very best I could do.  Was I perfect?  Hell no.  But I did the best I could.    This isn't freaking baseball.   I have to be done now. 

I too can't rely on her.  She exits when things get rough.  That's her coping skill, and that's fine but for me I need more than that.  I want a relationship that is equal, supportive, healthy.

I have oodles of my own issues... .I own that.  I am working on them.  But by staying with her, or getting back together with her, or even right now communicating with her at all is not healthy for me nor does it do anything but keep me from working on me.  It only allows me to keep my focus on her... .which is my maladaptive coping mechanism.

It's a big reason why we were so very toxic for each other.

So while I am far from healthy yet, I do realize the need to keep focused on the only thing I can change... .me.

So that's what I do... .And slowly I will get there,... .and so will you.

[Loosestrife]

I have lost count of recycles in the last couple of years and this is definitely my last one. I can relate to the tiredness, the low mood, it's exhausting. Mexico will be amazing, you just need to try and block her out for the time you are away and concentrate on you x

[Lucky Jim]

First things first though: taking care of yourself very well, clean food, light on the booze and caffeine, lots of water, sleep as much as you can and if you can't sleep at least rest, not too much exercise but at least some, go outside and breathe some fresh air, and if there's nature close, go there, the planet knows how to heal us, and hang out with kind people who want what's best for us.  Sit yourself in that healthy soup and let it hold you while you feel, and you will heal.  Take care of you!

I like your Rx, FromHtoH.  I, too, find that being in nature is restorative.  Lately, I've been doing a lot of birding, not so much for the sightings (though they are fun) but more for the opportunity to commune w/nature.  It helps me to decompress.  If I see or hear an unusual bird during my travels, I can get into a flow, or "zone," in which I am totally absorbed in the moment and lose track of time passing.  It helps me to separate myself from my worries and ruminations, which feels great.

LuckyJim

[fromheeltoheal]

First things first though: taking care of yourself very well, clean food, light on the booze and caffeine, lots of water, sleep as much as you can and if you can't sleep at least rest, not too much exercise but at least some, go outside and breathe some fresh air, and if there's nature close, go there, the planet knows how to heal us, and hang out with kind people who want what's best for us.  Sit yourself in that healthy soup and let it hold you while you feel, and you will heal.  Take care of you!

I like your Rx, FromHtoH.  I, too, find that being in nature is restorative.  Lately, I've been doing a lot of birding, not so much for the sightings (though they are fun) but more for the opportunity to commune w/nature.  It helps me to decompress.  If I see or hear an unusual bird during my travels, I can get into a flow, or "zone," in which I am totally absorbed in the moment and lose track of time passing.  It helps me to separate myself from my worries and ruminations, which feels great.

LuckyJim

Good for you LJ.  Our souls feel at home in nature, we've spent most of our evolution there; steel, concrete and social media are man-made illusions that we call 'home', but a trip to a beach, a lake, a forest or a mountaintop is a centering reminder.

[Mel1968]

First things first though: taking care of yourself very well, clean food, light on the booze and caffeine, lots of water, sleep as much as you can and if you can't sleep at least rest, not too much exercise but at least some, go outside and breathe some fresh air, and if there's nature close, go there, the planet knows how to heal us, and hang out with kind people who want what's best for us.  Sit yourself in that healthy soup and let it hold you while you feel, and you will heal.  Take care of you!

I like your Rx, FromHtoH.  I, too, find that being in nature is restorative.  Lately, I've been doing a lot of birding, not so much for the sightings (though they are fun) but more for the opportunity to commune w/nature.  It helps me to decompress.  If I see or hear an unusual bird during my travels, I can get into a flow, or "zone," in which I am totally absorbed in the moment and lose track of time passing.  It helps me to separate myself from my worries and ruminations, which feels great.

LuckyJim

Good for you LJ.  Our souls feel at home in nature, we've spent most of our evolution there; steel, concrete and social media are man-made illusions that we call 'home', but a trip to a beach, a lake, a forest or a mountaintop is a centering reminder.

Sorry for digressing from the original topic, but I've been thinking about being in nature a lot and wonder if you have any advice? I'm the original city girl and it was my ex who introduced me to the joys of hillwalking, camping etc. If I'm honest it was one of the reasons I stayed longer than I should, becuase we had such great trips out in the wilds. And now it's stopped and I can't bear the thought of going anywhere because it'll make me think of her. But I also know it's where I feel best. But maybe only because I was with her? I feel a bit pathetic, but this is something that is genuinely hassling me... .Any tips on how to reclaim something that you've perviously done with your ex, as an enjoyable thing in its own right?

Thank you

Mel

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry for digressing from the original topic, but I've been thinking about being in nature a lot and wonder if you have any advice? I'm the original city girl and it was my ex who introduced me to the joys of hillwalking, camping etc. If I'm honest it was one of the reasons I stayed longer than I should, becuase we had such great trips out in the wilds. And now it's stopped and I can't bear the thought of going anywhere because it'll make me think of her. But I also know it's where I feel best. But maybe only because I was with her? I feel a bit pathetic, but this is something that is genuinely hassling me... .Any tips on how to reclaim something that you've perviously done with your ex, as an enjoyable thing in its own right?

Thank you

Mel

The short answer is to make it your own, which takes doing whatever it is, which will feel weird at first, remind you of her, all of that, but as you have new experiences and maybe meet new people it will take on a life of it's own beyond your ex, and if you do it enough the connection between it and her will just fade.  But the point is doing it regardless of how you feel at first, if you're genuinely interested.

Going out in nature is a little different though; you don't need to do anything, just be.  As far as deciding where to go, follow your heart and your soul, by being quiet and still and listening and feeling, and then go where it leads you.  We aren't going to be able to improve upon the healing, restorative powers of nature, we just need to put ourselves in it and whatever shows up was supposed to.  So how soon is your next adventure?

[Mel1968]

I don't know yet, fromheeltoheal, but I will do something... .

And I'll make sure and remember that of course it feels weird, that's inevitable but okay. And I'll try and trust that those feelings will fade in time... .

Thanks for your thoughts, helpful as always

Mel

[DyingLove]

First things first though: taking care of yourself very well, clean food, light on the booze and caffeine, lots of water, sleep as much as you can and if you can't sleep at least rest, not too much exercise but at least some, go outside and breathe some fresh air, and if there's nature close, go there, the planet knows how to heal us, and hang out with kind people who want what's best for us.  Sit yourself in that healthy soup and let it hold you while you feel, and you will heal.  Take care of you!

I like your Rx, FromHtoH.  I, too, find that being in nature is restorative.  Lately, I've been doing a lot of birding, not so much for the sightings (though they are fun) but more for the opportunity to commune w/nature.  It helps me to decompress.  If I see or hear an unusual bird during my travels, I can get into a flow, or "zone," in which I am totally absorbed in the moment and lose track of time passing.  It helps me to separate myself from my worries and ruminations, which feels great.

LuckyJim

Good for you LJ.  Our souls feel at home in nature, we've spent most of our evolution there; steel, concrete and social media are man-made illusions that we call 'home', but a trip to a beach, a lake, a forest or a mountaintop is a centering reminder.

I have nothing to add.  This is just excellent!  Oh, I'll add kudos because it's well said just at the right time!  :-)