Just need to vent a little

[grayarea]

I just have to get this off my chest... .the other night my exbf told me he still hated me for invading his privacy.  A little back story - I used to look in his phone/email and it was how I found out he was cheating on me and was almost living a double/triple life with multiple women.  It is also how I found out that he got another woman pregnant. Now I totally get that it's wrong to snoop and invade someone's privacy, but this is also not  "normal" relationship where there was mutual trust and respect.  I should add that he also has gone through my phone, but of course denies it even though I saw a piece of paper with phone numbers from my phone written down.  

Anyway, I just found it ironic that he can still hate me over that because in the end all that snooping only hurt me... .didn't affect his life in anyway... .he still kept doing what he was doing, just hid it better.  Which is why I know it's more about me finding out all his dirty secrets rather than me violating his "trust".  I'm sure he never trusted me since he certainly can't trust himself.  Before the snooping, I literally begged him to tell me the truth (about other women), but he kept insisting I was crazy, insanely jealous and it was my own insecurity that was causing me to feel like he was cheating... .no it was my gut screaming at me that he was.  My snooping is probably the one thing that I have actually done to him and when I think about all the things he has done to me... .yet he is still the one angry at me and hates me?  I've mostly forgiven him for everything he's done - not that he's apologized, but for my own well being and sanity I had to find that forgiveness.  It's amazing how he'll hang on to that ONE thing I did wrong and hate me for it... .but that reveal couldn't have come at a better time to snap me back to reality.  He will NEVER change... .he is who he is and that is someone I do NOT want to be with.  Just the night before that convo, I was thinking that I miss him and was even thinking how we could make this work... .then the next night he tells me he still hates me over that.  I want nothing to do with anyone who hates me especially when I know that is so misdirected that it's ridiculous.  So while I still struggle I know that it's for the best and I am doing so much better than I was just a few weeks ago.  

[zipline]

I doesn't surprise me that your ex has latched onto this and is holding onto it and is "weaponizing it." On the face of it, it was a privacy violation and he might have had a right to be upset. This might create a false sense of righteousness in him that becomes exaggerated to offset the emotional pain he's in. It becomes ammunition in his psychic battle to keep in control his situation. I don't know. I'm still learning about all this.  

My uBPDexgf would keep an collection of hurtful moments with her at all times. There was the time I went out of town for a work conference (for 24 hours), there was the time I failed to tell her that my previous exgf (who doesn't live in my city) still had a key to my house, and so on.  These things would come up from time to time to illustrate how I let her down or lied to her. I couldn't figure out why she was doing this until I started to read about BPD.  

In any case, it is terrible that he did all of that stuff and there's no excuse for it. I'm sorry. I agree that in a healthier relationship, mutual respect and trust would mediate feelings of insecurity or fear that come up from time to time -- without people having the urge to snoop through phones or emails. For what it's worth, I had the urge in my recent r/s.

[Pretty Woman]

Grayarea, My Friend.

If you have to check his phone there is NO TRUST.

I used to take all my personal belongings to the bathroom with me for fear she would steal or look at my phone.

After she spit on me and pulled my hair I never gave her a house key again.

Girlfriend was cray-cray.

Thing is this darlin... .it NEVER changes. Your whole "elationship" you will have 0 trust for this person. Don't you want to be able to trust your lover and best friend?

This is NOT NORMA.You are addicted to him and the drama and you deserve much love.

Man, this morning I am tossing out tough    I am so sorry to be this harsh but really read what you are writing. You deserve soo much better!


PW

[grayarea]

@zipline - You're right, it isn't surprising that he's held on to this "weapon" for all this time because this all happened years ago.  It has been about 2 years since I've last snooped so I thought it was all in the past.  I know snooping is wrong and I understand he had every right to be upset about it, but just didn't think he would hang it over my head years later.  For the record, I have never had the urge to do anything like that ever with any other bf, but I did a lot of things I never thought I'd do while with my xBPDbf like beg for him not to leave me   .  It's not called crazy-making for nothing I guess. I'm sorry for all you have been through too.

@Pretty Woman - I don't mind your toughness or harshness, and I agree with what you wrote, but my vent wasn't about trust.  I mean come on trust and BPD shouldn't even put in the same sentence unless it's a joke.  It was more about him painting me black and still hating me over something that happened years ago when he violated me in so many more ways than looking in my phone and invading my privacy.  I know I deserve better which why he is my EX now  .

[zipline]

Yeah. I think once you're painted black, it's over. And once the have that ammo, I can imagine some will never let go if it. They need it to justify their terrible behavior, to keep you devalued and off balance. I'm starting to understand that a pwBPD, in their own way (likely unconsciously) is always searching for evidence that you're going to harm them -- and they're always going to find it. I told my therapist that it's like I can do 100 things right, and then the 101st thing I do erases everything and I'm the most uncaring, inconsiderate person in the world. Heads you win, tails I lose.  

[Infared]

Gray area... .I think you were TOTALLY correct to check his phone... .FOR YOU. I am going to bet, that like me, you are an honest, faithful trusting person... .but your inner self knew the truth and was screaming for validation.  I am a totally trusting, respectful person. I do not get jealous... .I would not normally EVER look in my partners phone... .but I like you... .(at the 5-year point of our relationship), just had this horrible sinking feeling that something was up when she said she was going to leave me... .swearing that there was no one else... .so while she was in the shower I went to look for her phone... .oh... it's stuffed out in the glove compartment of her car... .DUH... I could not get in to find info in time... .but the location was enough for me to get the truth.

It's actually comical that your ex is focusing on your behavior checking his phone. Do not take that on, he is just trying to use your (justified), behavior to undermine your resolve. PwBPD are so,so dishonest, manipulative and cruel.  Take some time to vent your anger about his latest disrespectful action to you and keep moving on... .away from him. Please do not let him manipulate you into doubting or being ashamed of your actions... .they were justified... .

[Beach_Babe]

Yeah mine still tells people about a car accident I caused back in 2007. No one was hurt and the rental car company paid everything. Yet he cries victim about it to everyone. He dumped me  supposedly because I confided in a mutual friend (a mistake, which I wholly own up to) but no forgiveness is allowed. Nope despite all of his positively abhorrent behavior.

[grayarea]

@zipline - Yes that is so true.  The million nice things I did for him never get mentioned, but the ONE thing I did wrong, he has it etched into his mind.  

@Infared - Thank you soo much for that validation!  I used to feel bad about it, but not anymore because it was the only way I could get the truth and it really was the truth that set me free.  Once I saw his cheating and lies all spelled out for me in black and white, he really couldn't manipulate me anymore and it was a huge relief to find out that I wasn't this insanely jealous psycho GF that he made me out to be.  And it is a HUGE lesson learned for me... .now I know that if my gut is screaming at me, then just listen to it.  I don't need "proof" anymore and to always, always listen to that little voice.  

@Beach_Babe - The hypocrisy is just mind blowing.  I think the saying, ":)o as I say, not as I do" was made specifically for BPDs!

[Infared]

 

@Infared - Thank you soo much for that validation!  I used to feel bad about it, but not anymore because it was the only way I could get the truth and it really was the truth that set me free.  Once I saw his cheating and lies all spelled out for me in black and white, he really couldn't manipulate me anymore and it was a huge relief to find out that I wasn't this insanely jealous psycho GF that he made me out to be.  And it is a HUGE lesson learned for me... .now I know that if my gut is screaming at me, then just listen to it.  I don't need "proof" anymore and to always, always listen to that little voice.

Gray Area, we need to be easy on ourselves, too. When we love someone we trust.  BPD's take our trust and use it as a tool to manipulate us. There are few things more hurtful and disrespectful than breaking someone's trust that deeply cares about you. Sad though, they just don't get it. It's their loss. Totally... .not ours!