Anger.

[DyingLove]

Things have been popping up here and there unexpectedly.  Lately things have not been going that great here.  As things go sour, I notice that I am becoming quite angry at the ex.  This is different than the normal bouts of anger and resentment I've had.  This is an ugly anger, the kind that you just wanna whack someone.  I hate to say it, I'm not like that.

It's three months, I'm coming along, but the people around me are pressuring me to perform and move on.  I can't tell them what they are incapable of feeling, but I can only say how it is.  I'm physically getting pretty good, still not great, but mentally, I'm not straight yet. The three months seems a lot longer, so it's almost like listening to the rants of a BPD when I'm told that I gotta step things up.  It makes me feel stressed and pressured and I feel like I'm slowing down instead of moving forward confidently.  Obviously when I feel this way, I get angry at her.  At this moment, I don't care that she suffers with her BPD condition.  She's got/had a full time job, car, place to live, and other things that make life comfortable, including a full bathroom with a shower.  I'm not going to have a pity party, I'm way past that, but I'm angry and needed to say it somewhere that people understand. That place is here.  Thank you all for listening.

[valet]

Hey DyingLove,

I went through something similar not too long ago.

Do you think that you are blaming your ex for how you've made decisions since you've been on your own?

[Loveofhislife]

Good morning, Dying Love:

People heal differently, and while there are definite stages: denial, depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance: they're not linear. Sometimes we go back and forth. Sometimes we stay in one or the other. I stayed in anger for a long time, and after nearly 11 months; I slip back into anger very easily. I once was friends with a T who said anger and fear ride on the same circuitry. So I think anger must be easier for me, so it's where I go when I become fearful or anxious. The only anti-venom for this anger has been to remind myself to stay in the moment; recognize the blessing (yes, blessing) I was given: learning about me and my own dysfunction and trying to heal through love and forgiveness. Most of all I had to forgive me for allowing myself (and by default, my loved ones) to endure a year of unrelenting abuse by exbfBPD. I continue to work on forgiving the BPD: not easy but necessary for my own healing.

Take care

[DyingLove]

Hey DyingLove,

I went through something similar not too long ago.

Do you think that you are blaming your ex for how you've made decisions since you've been on your own?

Yes and No.  I am more thinking that if the BU never happened, if all the crap never happened, I would be back in the RS that I so loved.   I think I am making the right decisions now, but It like recouperating from the flu, you can only move so fast before you relapse right back where you were.  Thats me. Relapsing.  Thanks Valet.

[DyingLove]

Good morning, Dying Love:

People heal differently, and while there are definite stages: denial, depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance: they're not linear. Sometimes we go back and forth. Sometimes we stay in one or the other. I stayed in anger for a long time, and after nearly 11 months; I slip back into anger very easily. I once was friends with a T who said anger and fear ride on the same circuitry. So I think anger must be easier for me, so it's where I go when I become fearful or anxious. The only anti-venom for this anger has been to remind myself to stay in the moment; recognize the blessing (yes, blessing) I was given: learning about me and my own dysfunction and trying to heal through love and forgiveness. Most of all I had to forgive me for allowing myself (and by default, my loved ones) to endure a year of unrelenting abuse by exbfBPD. I continue to work on forgiving the BPD: not easy but necessary for my own healing.

Take care

I agree Loveofhislife.  Differently is the keyword. Stages, they are there and demanding to be respected and followed.  I guess I'm just down on myself, but also angry that with a twist of fate, this could have all be prevented.  It wan't me that wanted the BU, and there is NO disputing that.  Some things we can't control and people we most definitely can't and shouldn't control. I don't wanna be somewhere I'm not wanted or somewhere that I am abused. It doesn't mean that I didn't suffer when I was trying to oil a rusty and broken machine.  I try to forgive, and honestly I do forgive her, but I volley back and forth still with the feelings that want to remain.  It's amazing how we can go from a totally clear slate, to remembering every last detail of something so hurtful.  Thank you Loveofhislife.  -and by the way, not having someone to share this with really stinks too.  Having someone sit across from you but knowing that you can't say anything for fear of either mis-understanding or ridicule.

[UserName69]

I really understand what you're feeling right now. Whenever I think about my exBPD I feel a lot of hate and anger towards her, and just like you I don't care if she has BPD it's her problem not mine. But it's just that idea how they play and fool people, get away with it and start over again with a new victim.

It's not I want to hurt her it's just I can't say or feel anything positive for/about her. I believe this is a part of no contact. Once I saw an article about no contact, the autor wrote this article on how to get your exgf back. He claimed that you need to go no contact and usually after three weeks your ex won't remember all the bad things happened, instead she'll remember and thinks only about the good moments. From our perspective no contact works the different way. In the beginning we think only about the great moments we had and later only about the bad moments which makes us disliking our exBPD's. I really think this is something normal and a part of letting everything behind and moving on.

Hang in there, these are the first signs of getting over your exBPD. You have every right to be angry.

[DyingLove]

I really understand what you're feeling right now. Whenever I think about my exBPD I feel a lot of hate and anger towards her, and just like you I don't care if she has BPD it's her problem not mine. But it's just that idea how they play and fool people, get away with it and start over again with a new victim.

It's not I want to hurt her it's just I can't say or feel anything positive for/about her. I believe this is a part of no contact. Once I saw an article about no contact, the autor wrote this article on how to get your exgf back. He claimed that you need to go no contact and usually after three weeks your ex won't remember all the bad things happened, instead she'll remember and thinks only about the good moments. From our perspective no contact works the different way. In the beginning we think only about the great moments we had and later only about the bad moments which makes us disliking our exBPD's. I really think this is something normal and a part of letting everything behind and moving on.

Hang in there, these are the first signs of getting over your exBPD. You have every right to be angry.

Thanks Username69.

I still can't believe she's never contacted me since the BU.  I see it as this:  If I were wrong, I would have begged her to come back or return.  I'm talking if there was no BPD or anything and I did something wrong.  The amount of love I have for her is monumental, but I've got my pride and I've got moral values.  I'm not crawlin' back to someone that did me so wrong after I did her so much right.  I don't care that she didn't see it that way.  It was her responsibility to be out in the real world and act like a responsible mature adult.  44 years old, two ex husbands, an 18yo and a 9yo... .you gotta learn something there!  I don't wanna say: she saw me coming. BUT SHE DID!  I know how difficult it is too stay somewhere and try to make it work when the odds are against you, but damn comon, she worked and came home to cooked meals, clean clothes, a taken care of 9yo, and a happy (in my opinion) environment.  How blind could she be?  Plus taking orders from her mother and brother, hope she's happy with them now too.  What goes around comes around.  I can't wait to give myself to that RIGHT woman... .I know she'll be around.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Thanks Username69 and everyone else.

[Invictus01]

I wouldn't have too many conversation about this, just change the topic and skip it. The vast majority of people you will talk to about this will never understand what you are talking about which will only fuel your anger at them, yourself, her and everything in between. No need to do this to yourself.

[DyingLove]

I wouldn't have too many conversation about this, just change the topic and skip it. The vast majority of people you will talk to about this will never understand what you are talking about which will only fuel your anger at them, yourself, her and everything in between. No need to do this to yourself.

Thank you Invictus01.  I went thru that with my Son and my friend that rescued me from the sunshine state.  I had to keep in my mind that it wasn't their fault for not understanding.  I tried to explain, but I cannot for the life of me learn a second language.  Same with others, they just don't get it... .they are WELL, living their lives and probably FAR from relationship problems like we deal with.  I'm happy for them in that sense.  My son laughs buys crap for his car, goes fishing with his step daughter, but he doesn't understand his dad. Sometimes he treats me like a burden, even though I do what I can to help out.  But I don't do it at their speed, it's happening at my speed.  People are impatient.  I walk to the gym at night and back, unless I'm fortunate to get a lift, my leg deals me excruciating pain most of the time... .so I'm working it out. If I ask my son for a lift, he doesn't understand being in pain.  So, I struggle along during the day with little in the way of understanding.  Just giving me a roof is great, but understanding is a healing wonderful thing.

[DyingLove]

Well, I thought I might wake up feeling better.  A better outlook I mean.  Well aside from still being so exhausted, I'm still feeling that anger this morning.  I don't think it's as overpowering as it was yesterday, but it's still there.  Maybe it's running it's course.  I'm still thinking about if it didn't all happen and I was back in the old boat. I know, who knows what would have been going on back then, maybe I would have stepped in front of a truck, maybe I would have won the lottery.  Lots of MAYBE's.

I got what I got. Just like you do.  I know I'll make it thru. Just like you will. Someone said to me this morning on FB, "I see you still love her".  I answered yes I do, but I don't want her.  It's hard to put loving and not wanting together.  Almost seems contradictory.  But I do love her and if there was a way without reverting back to "crazy", I would do it.  Being an adult (yeah right), I know that it won't happen because she is the missing variable that has initially caused the ball rolling to begin with.  Wishes, and hopin' and dreamin'.  The world does work around those imaginary things, it could happen, but it's easier to say it won't and accept the blessing if it did.  There will be no blessing otherwise, because I went thru this once and never again will I do it again!

By the way, Happy Fathers Day in advance to all the GOOD DADS!  I know I won't be getting that wish from the ex, but I think I'm ready to accept that hard cold fact.  Wishing you all a great day!

[Pretty Woman]

Anger is good!

Your ex treated you like shyt. How DARE they? If a stranger came up to you on the street and behaved this way, how would you react?

BPD's lack empathy, lasting compassion and are evil (IMO). I am angry now and it took 3yrs to get here. Who the hell leaves you a week before a major, $$$$ trip and tells you that you are the "love of their life" and there is no one else... .

then calls and tells you they've met "the one" and have never experienced something "so deep" a week... .

a week after meeting the person?

That is NUTS. It is infatuation, not real. None of their relationships are based in reality.

It is good to be angry. You are growing and moving past sadness.

Good for you! Very proud!

PW

[DyingLove]

Anger is good!

Your ex treated you like shyt. How DARE they? If a stranger came up to you on the street and behaved this way, how would you react?

BPD's lack empathy, lasting compassion and are evil (IMO). I am angry now and it took 3yrs to get here. Who the hell leaves you a week before a major, $$$$ trip and tells you that you are the "love of their life" and there is no one else... .

then calls and tells you they've met "the one" and have never experienced something "so deep" a week... .

a week after meeting the person?

That is NUTS. It is infatuation, not real. None of their relationships are based in reality.

It is good to be angry. You are growing and moving past sadness.

Good for you! Very proud!

PW

Thank You PrettyWoman.  Just what I needed to hear.  I'm tired of feeling guilty for feeling angry. I want to be angry because it is what comes from my gut.  AND then I want it to go away too.  ALthough I do believe you could find the RIGHT ONE and fall in love almost immediately, In my case and in MOST cases... .it just isn't true!  Thank you again.    I also sent you a PM.

[Pretty Woman]

That tis true... .you could find the one... .but let me tell you... .not three days after telling someone else they are the love of your life... .

I was left twice before... .once for her supposed "soulmate". She ran off to Minnesota for a week to be with this person, an ex... .after dumping me and threatening with a Restraining Order... .

called me 50 times on the way home and drove right to my house.

And I took her back!

Someone who threatened a restraining order because I needed closure.

These people are like wild animals. They dysregulate and ANYTHING you say is an attack. You cannot reason with them. It's like explaining the constitution to a 3yo.

They are incapable of healthy, long lasting love. All you get is drama, more drama and if you are really lucky, maybe even a std because they are not faithful.

C'mon. This is bull hockey!

[Infared]

I fluctuate between the two "A"'s Anger and/or Acceptance.

Sometimes when I think about how I was treated I just seem to "pop-out" of the acceptance mode and feel anger at thoughts of the past.

She is not in my life today and will not be again... .so I have to work at being in the present and living with what is in front of me making positive choices and the anger passes.  I had invested so much there... .sometimes the ghost returns... .guess that is just being human... .

[DyingLove]

I fluctuate between the two "A"'s Anger and/or Acceptance.

Sometimes when I think about how I was treated I just seem to "pop-out" of the acceptance mode and feel anger at thoughts of the past.

She is not in my life today and will not be again... .so I have to work at being in the present and living with what is in front of me making positive choices and the anger passes.  I had invested so much there... .sometimes the ghost returns... .guess that is just being human... .

Yep. The ghost!  It's pops in to my head and I almost am moved exactly to the time around BU. Kinda like a time teleport.  I get some anxiety when it happens too and I have to think myself down.  I usually always see her in the same particular setting(s). Maybe 4 of them in total.  AND aside from seeing her in photos, she is never nice or smiling in these daydreams.  It's really annoying to be so deep in this stuff that you can actually analyze it.