How does one stop trying to solve all problems?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I feel like the "problem solver".   How does one stop the urge to solve others problems they bring to you, or refuse to do so politely?   Or at the very least, push them back on the person to do some of the work?   

When I say "no" or push things back, even politely, the guilt and the problem stay in my brain to be worked on, but I know that with some people, no solution will be good enough.   

[mssalty]

I feel like the "problem solver".   How does one stop the urge to solve others problems they bring to you, or refuse to do so politely?   Or at the very least, push them back on the person to do some of the work?   

When I say "no" or push things back, even politely, the guilt and the problem stay in my brain to be worked on, but I know that with some people, no solution will be good enough.   

[fromheeltoheal]

How does one stop the urge to solve others problems they bring to you, or refuse to do so politely?

By digging and seeing what that 'urge' is.  You are getting something out of helping other people or you wouldn't be doing it, and maybe that 'something' is avoidance of the guilt you say you feel?  Or something else, like you will be valued and therefore loved?

I've spent much of my life insecure about whether I was 'good enough' and concluded I wasn't good enough just the way I am, I have to do something, earn my worthiness, and if I didn't I felt guilty, unlovable, unworthy.  Something tells me that's where the Puritan work ethic comes from, guilt avoidance.  And for me I figure that came from emotionally stoic parents who loved me but never shared that, were never openly affectionate and caring, they too felt they had to 'do things' for me to prove their love.  

But that was them and this is now.  What has been helping lately is selfishness, not in the negative connotation way, but in realizing if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give.  So don't overcommit.  And then boundaries, don't take any sht and don't get stepped on.  And then when that's handled life goes better, so I can focus on loving myself, easy when you focus on it, and then developing an expectation that other people love me too, just the way I am.  The way that's been showing up is I'm being myself much more freely, letting my freak flag fly and loving it, and some people respond and clearly like me, some people don't and that's OK too.  Beats the hell out of trying to figure out who I need to 'be' with people, and being that hoping to be accepted and loved, exhausting.  Much easier to be exactly who I am and remove the people who aren't accepting from my life, immediately.  It's a brand new world... .

Kinda went off, hope that contributes?  And if it doesn't contribute, that doesn't mean I'm unlovable.

[going places]

www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1434628485&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries

Boundaries.

i am more than happy to help someone come up with solutions to problems.

If they bring nothing to the table, then I know 'what' I am dealing with, and I walk away.

If someone constantly complains about their job, yet does nothing to make it better or tries to find a new job?

Hey if their not investing in change, I'm not investing in helping them / enabling them.

It's a HARD habit to break.

[ADecadeLost]

Hey mssalty,

I think the rescuer/problem solver persona is one that the majority of us here suffer from.  I've grappled with it quite a bit in the wake of my separation/divorce from my dBPDex.  It has actually come to a head as of late as I have had to figure out how I can be a supportive, good friend to someone in need without slipping back into that rescuer habit.

As going places mentioned, placing solid boundaries has been key in my case.

First boundary: defining the nature of the "relationship."  If we weren't both on board with platonic, I was keeping my distance.  As my friend actually took the lead in that discussion, this one was easy.  We were both on the same page.  No problems. 

Second boundary: time and space.  It's my busy season at work.  If she needed someone who could be there for her all the time, it wasn't me.  She knows she is welcome to text at any point, but I made it abundantly clear that Monday through Friday, she isn't likely to hear back.  She was okay with this and for the past few weeks has respected this boundary without exception.

Third and final boundary:  I'm not here to fix her problems.  The problem is not one that can be fixed, especially not by me.  As such, I won't try, and she shouldn't expect me to try.  I'm there as friend to help her take her mind off of it for a few hours at a time.  She has been okay with that.  Friday/Saturday evening will roll around, and I'll get a call inquiring if I'm free.  If I am, we'll do dinner.  Maybe catch a movie.  Or if nothing else sit around and play cards for a few hours.  If I'm busy (work/date/whatever), no worries.  Assuming we do meet up, she might briefly fill me in on the situation, and that's the end of it.  We then move on to happier topics and keep her mind off of it.  That is my role.  Nothing more.

It was foreign to me laying out such solid boundaries.  I needed to though.  I know myself, and know that without doing so I would have been drawn in to deep.   It has allowed me to be there for a friend without placing the stress of her situation onto myself (an old habit I'd like to avoid repeating).  I recognize that I need to remain vigilant and reinforce these boundaries if they are tested, but to date it has not been an issue.  I guess time will tell, but for now it has been good practice for me.

[disillusionedandsore]

Repeat to myself over and over... ."Not my circus not my monkeys!" or get angry about being put upon or being taken advantage of... .That usually works for me to take some action on my own behalf,  to stand up for myself.

Another quote I read here : "don't mistake my kindness for weakness",  love that.

I do appreciate the struggle with this though! 

[hergestridge]

Be a friend but be passive! I learnt this late in life. Let people talk until they run out of things to say. Let people try until they fail again and again. I found that I had been "helpful" in situations where people had not asked me to, and sometimes didn't even want me to.

It is so much easier than you think. I was always so worried things were going to get out of hand if I didn't interfere, mend or soothe.

Well, that was the truth within my BPD relationship. And I was brought up with a (possibly) BPD father, so I was used to that. But normal people do take responsibility for their feelings! If you let them.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey salty, agree w/hergestridge.  Other adults are responsible for their own well-being.  It helps when I remind myself that something is "not my problem."  There's only so much I'm willing to do these days.  I say "No, thanks" a lot. 

And then boundaries, don't take any sht and don't get stepped on.  And then when that's handled life goes better, so I can focus on loving myself, easy when you focus on it, and then developing an expectation that other people love me too, just the way I am.

Totally agree w/you, FH2H.  Learning to love oneself, and learning to accept oneself, are key concepts.  I care too much about myself now to let myself be the object of someone else's abuse.  It's not selfish to take care of myself; in fact, it's healthy.  I like the analogy to the oxygen mask on a plane; you need to take care of your own oxygen before you can help anyone else.

LuckyJim

[lbjnltx]

I feel like the "problem solver".   How does one stop the urge to solve others problems they bring to you, or refuse to do so politely?   Or at the very least, push them back on the person to do some of the work?   

When I say "no" or push things back, even politely, the guilt and the problem stay in my brain to be worked on, but I know that with some people, no solution will be good enough.   

Do they really want your advice or do they want to be heard and understood through validation?  As others here have mentioned, we really don't have the power to solve other peoples problems and if we do offer solutions and they don't work out... .who will they blame?  Some may blame you.

If you want to help, validate their feelings and ask validating questions to lead them to their own solution.  If they make a request of you that you are not comfortable with you might say "That is not something I am comfortable doing, can you think of another solution?" 

Many people (not just pwBPD) don't have problem solving skills or can't get past their own emotionally driven thoughts to find solutions.  The best gift you can give someone is helping them learn to help themselves.

lbj