When exBPDs replace us

[coldmist]

In other people's experience, when your exBPD has replaced you what kind of person have they gone for? Have they gone after someone who is similar to you and past ex's (age, personality, interests, etc.) or have they gone after someone completely different?

My exBPDgf's previous ex and myself are similar, he is 28 and I'm 27. She is 21 FWIW. We are both more introverted and have similar interests. I have some suspicion on who my exBPD might be replacing me with or at least trying to do so. This kid is only 19 though and other than being tall he's nothing like us at all. Different interests and everything. It just seems really weird to me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines attach to people who are susceptible to an attachment, the similarities don't need to go beyond that.  And I don't know the details of your relationship, but if you called her on her sht and stood up to her she probably felt a lot of shame, borderlines feel lots of shame in general, then she may have gone after someone younger whom she could control better, in an attempt to control her own emotions better.

[fred6]

Borderlines attach to people who are susceptible to an attachment, the similarities don't need to go beyond that.  And I don't know the details of your relationship, but if you called her on her sht and stood up to her she probably felt a lot of shame, borderlines feel lots of shame in general, then she may have gone after someone younger whom she could control better, in an attempt to control her own emotions better.

Mine went after someone a good bit younger. I'm 43 and she was 42. New supply is 35 and totally opposite from me.

[Beach_Babe]

His new supply lives in a group home.

[going places]

He 'goes for' the 'easy' types.

He has one thing on his mind... .

Trust me when I say; there are PLENTY of them out there.

Funny, the adultress that I busted him with?

He told me that she reminded him of our sister in law (who he hates) in a lot of things she did and said (talk a big talk behind peoples back, then when face to face, turtles, etc)... .and he had no respect for her.

Well of course he didn't... .duh... .all he wanted her for was sex, and since she had zero self respect; didn't care that he was married w/ kids... .she gave it to him.

So his type is easy. As long as she is easy, has no self respect, will laugh at his every story, thinks he's cool, can't wait to give him all of her attention, she's easy and will have sex with him when ever he wants it... .

Yeah, he has his eyes on some real classy gals.

Not.

[milo1967]

My XW is marrying her affair partner, AKA my replacement. (I divorced her because of her betrayal.) His personality is very domineering; he comes across as a loud bully. But observing their relationship for the last two years, I've come to the realization that it is not he who is in control, but she. He just doesn't realize it, as I did not.

He is utterly enslaved to her: she has delegated all disciplinary authority over our children when they are there, he is in charge as she frequently takes to her bed with headaches and anxiety, he picks up and drives my kids.

I do not believe her Crazy has made its full appearance yet. She must be on her best behavior, as her abandonment fears rule her. Under no circumstances may he be allowed to leave, since she knows I would not take her back. She would be alone, and this is intolerable. In return he gets her sparkly side: beauty, sex, attention.  Her mask has likely not yet slipped. He likely believes he is in control, but he is deluded.

In other words, the replacement is me, ten years ago. He has no idea what he is in for. It could take years, as it did with me, but eventually she will devalue him. And what will precipitate this is likely that he will simply deny her something important she wants. He will then topple off his pedestal and their glass house will shatter. By then she will have found his replacement.

He is ten years younger than me, five years younger than she, and physically the opposite of me: short (shorter than she), homely. In fact he looks precisely like her step-father whom she worshipped as a child and who abandoned her. Yeah, I know.

But for now, he is of use to her.

[sbr1050]

My 62 year old uBPDexbf went for someone that was 23.  Married her after 5 months of walking out of my door.  We were together 18 years.

It is about a need for control.  The funny thing is, when I look at his history, it makes sense.  He was 21 when he married his first wife (she was 4-5 years older).  THat r/s lasted only 3-4 years, tops.  Then a rebound marriage that last 6 months (she was very young too).  Then he found his third wife when she was also in her mid twenties.  They were married for 11-12 years and she died of cancer.  Six months later, he started dating me.  I was 26 but very naiive as far as r/s went.

He is getting older but the replacements stay the same age.

[UserName69]

I don't know if she has found replacement but she told me that she used to date guys who treated her like crap. I believe she's used to it, because I took her out on a lot of dinners gave her gifts she told me that she doesn't like this "lifestyle". She used to complain a couple times that "this is a new thing for her". I knew that she took the role of the Santa when her exBF lived with her, she paid even his bills while she's in a wealth fare program. Oh that's fine with me if you want a guy who only takes your money because he's too stupid/lazy to get a job fine with me.

Meanwhile I found a better partner, she made me realize that my exBPD is no good and has nothing great to offer except for problems. Even if my exBPD would find an another guy she would be dumped within a couple of months. This is how her entire life is going to be.

[coldmist]

Borderlines attach to people who are susceptible to an attachment, the similarities don't need to go beyond that.  And I don't know the details of your relationship, but if you called her on her sht and stood up to her she probably felt a lot of shame, borderlines feel lots of shame in general, then she may have gone after someone younger whom she could control better, in an attempt to control her own emotions better.

I didn't get to call her out. I triggered her abandonment fears, got split black, and she went NC. This guy is a friend of her brother. I never once heard or saw of him until after she went NC with me. Now there's pictures of them together with her brother on his and her Facebook pages but nothing romantic so far. I saw this guy at her place once a while back too, I thought it was a girl at first because of how feminine he looks, but now I realize who it was. I wish I could warn the guy to run away before he ends up getting hurt too.

[Fr4nz]

Borderlines attach to people who are susceptible to an attachment, the similarities don't need to go beyond that.  And I don't know the details of your relationship, but if you called her on her sht and stood up to her she probably felt a lot of shame, borderlines feel lots of shame in general, then she may have gone after someone younger whom she could control better, in an attempt to control her own emotions better.

I agree. In my case my exuBPD+HPD gf is quite random; for example, she can go from a phd to a coke-addict, lowlife person. The key idea here is that they need an attachment to fill their voids, and they lack impulse control, so their choices are, often, suboptimal and almost anyone may fit the instincts they have at any given moment.

[RedDove]

You have to keep in mind that with a BPD it's all about NEED=getting "their" needs filled=supply. Whether that be sex, material items, money, etc. My exBPD bf's type was a caretaker, a codependent, someone just like me who is vulnerable, likely has FOO issues and is overly caring, loving and giving.

Replacement #2 is two (2) years older than him, AND 5 years older than me! He found her on POF dating site. She is much older looking, looks 60... .you can tell she's had a tough life and hasn't aged well. She's anorexically skinny. It also seemed she was very recently divorced or going thru a divorce. The marital home was for sale, etc.

Replacement #1 is three (3) years older than him, 6 years older than me. I believe he met her through his best friends girlfriend. I'm honestly not sure she's even a "woman"! She looks like a guy who became a woman (transgender). The photos I saw online made me LOL and almost   at the same time. She has the body of a guy. Again, seemed like she was going through a divorce. Posts online showed a beautiful house a few years ago, and now a dinky little apartment.

He still has both of them in the line up. It appears like he's currently recycling replacement #1, also tried to recycle me, trying to setup to triangulate.

I ended it a year ago when I caught him cheating with replacement #2. I knew there was something majorly wrong with him. BUT, I didn't know he suffered from BPD until he admitted to being unstable & borderline during the final confrontation last June. He began contacting me 4-5 months after I broke up with him.

It was only a few months ago that I found out about replacement #1. He refriended her on FB. I looked and saw photo's of the two of them and posts on her FB page. They got together 5 days after he raged at me and I got the silent treatment for 2 weeks! Silly me, I brought up the discussion about commitment and spending more quality time together. He never broke up with me. I ended it a month after the rage, it scared me. Replacement #1 has her FB set to Public, which I find very interesting.

He doesn't allow any "couple" pics or loving posts on his FB wall. I did it when we were together and he'd delete them. When confronted he'd claim he didn't know how they got removed.

Replacement #2 is in her mid 50's. Older generation and doesn't seem to use FB a lot. I'm shocked she hasn't figured him out yet. The OW's FB page is Public and it's all right under her nose. Poor thing! She's likely still under the love bomb spell thinking she's the love of his life! So sad and eye opening to watch it from the sidelines.

[goateeki]

My XW is marrying her affair partner, AKA my replacement. (I divorced her because of her betrayal.) His personality is very domineering; he comes across as a loud bully. But observing their relationship for the last two years, I've come to the realization that it is not he who is in control, but she. He just doesn't realize it, as I did not.

He is utterly enslaved to her: she has delegated all disciplinary authority over our children when they are there, he is in charge as she frequently takes to her bed with headaches and anxiety, he picks up and drives my kids.

I do not believe her Crazy has made its full appearance yet. She must be on her best behavior, as her abandonment fears rule her. Under no circumstances may he be allowed to leave, since she knows I would not take her back. She would be alone, and this is intolerable. In return he gets her sparkly side: beauty, sex, attention.  Her mask has likely not yet slipped. He likely believes he is in control, but he is deluded.

In other words, the replacement is me, ten years ago. He has no idea what he is in for. It could take years, as it did with me, but eventually she will devalue him. And what will precipitate this is likely that he will simply deny her something important she wants. He will then topple off his pedestal and their glass house will shatter. By then she will have found his replacement.

He is ten years younger than me, five years younger than she, and physically the opposite of me: short (shorter than she), homely. In fact he looks precisely like her step-father whom she worshipped as a child and who abandoned her. Yeah, I know.

But for now, he is of use to her.

Thoughtful and well written.

[SWLSR]

My replacemnt was who i replaced 15 years before.  He is lazy and intoverted I am out going and go till i drop.  I have heard they are having issues but i am staying out of it.  i wont no.part of it.

[rotiroti]

I don't know if she has found replacement but she told me that she used to date guys who treated her like crap. I believe she's used to it, because I took her out on a lot of dinners gave her gifts she told me that she doesn't like this "lifestyle". She used to complain a couple times that "this is a new thing for her". I knew that she took the role of the Santa when her exBF lived with her, she paid even his bills while she's in a wealth fare program. Oh that's fine with me if you want a guy who only takes your money because he's too stupid/lazy to get a job fine with me.

Meanwhile I found a better partner, she made me realize that my exBPD is no good and has nothing great to offer except for problems. Even if my exBPD would find an another guy she would be dumped within a couple of months. This is how her entire life is going to be.

Thank you for sharing, I had a similiar story where she told me she always dated 'jerks'. Funny how I overlooked the fact that her exes were 100% at fault. After moving in and taking care of things around the house and the engagement ring, she started to devalue me to the extreme. Happy one minute to tantrums the next. What a nightmare!

I'm glad you found a partner who makes sense!

[Mr Hollande]

I'm 41, she's 48. My replacement, if he's still around, is a 30 something drug dealer. 

[NonBPDEx]

My replacement was someone she new in High School. He is a successful business owner. She reconnected with him online last fall. His wife of 23 years was dying of cancer.

His wife died just before Christmas, and he immediately went after my BPDgf. I started getting comparisons ("they loved each other so much. Why can't you love me like that... .". He would tell her that I was fishing for someone new.

I had to go away in February. I am reasonably certain now that she slept with him while I was away.

I broke up with her in April, and she went straight to him. They are together now, and she says she is very happy and finally at peace.

[Mr Hollande]

she says she is very happy and finally at peace.

+ BPD = oxymoron