Stumbling Blocks to Therapy

[Cole]

I had planned to file for divorce the first of this month. BPD/bipolar wife waited until the last minute (surprise, surprise) to start doing the things I stated I need to stay in the marriage. I set it out that I still have everything ready to go, just one call to my attorney and the papers will be filed the next day if she decides to stop.

The one thing that has me sitting on the papers is that she is staying in therapy for the first time ever. W came back from latest session and wanted to talk about it. She really likes this new T and told me new T is helping her with:

1. Feelings of abandonment.

2. Not knowing who she is and identity issues.

3. Stormy relationships with... .well... .everyone.

4. Extreme, uncontrolled anger.

5. Inability to let go of past hurts, no matter how old, small, or unintentional.

6. Self destructive behavior. Specifically, getting involved with other men to the extent it becomes an emotional      affair (big one for me, has to stop).

This all sounded familiar, so I looked up the DSM for BPD. Amazing how these two lists match up. So glad to have a T who can help her, whether we stay married or not.


I knew where she wanted to go for T, so I called ahead and asked them to set her up with a female T who understands BPD and to warn the T to NEVER mention BPD. Wife gladly accepts bipolar dx, but has stopped seeing several T's because they suggested she is actually BPD. She still harbors extreme hatred for the last one who suggested it about a year ago.  

Has anyone else had issues with SO staying in therapy? What were they? How did they (or you) solve it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CastleofGlass]

Cole-Unfortunately, my uBPDw is not currently seeing a T. She had been seeing one since she was a teenager well before I met her. I am active military and have moved a few times but she has always managed to get a new T up until now. Since moving to this new base back in August, she has not gotten a new T. I have mixed feelings about it. I wish she would find a new one, but one thing remains that she is not diagnosed with BPD or even bi-polar. I mentioned bi-polar to her a few years ago after some dysregulated moments she had and she was ticked about it but humored the idea to her T at the time just to prove me wrong. Sad part was, her T agreed with her that she did suffer from bi-polar. There has never been a mention of BPD.

[Cole]

Cole-Unfortunately, my uBPDw is not currently seeing a T. She had been seeing one since she was a teenager well before I met her. I am active military and have moved a few times but she has always managed to get a new T up until now. Since moving to this new base back in August, she has not gotten a new T. I have mixed feelings about it. I wish she would find a new one, but one thing remains that she is not diagnosed with BPD or even bi-polar. I mentioned bi-polar to her a few years ago after some dysregulated moments she had and she was ticked about it but humored the idea to her T at the time just to prove me wrong. Sad part was, her T agreed with her that she did suffer from bi-polar. There has never been a mention of BPD.

What is the reason she is not in therapy now? Have you seen any negative effects of her not being in therapy?

[married21years]

everyone has problems with this!

telling someone they have BPD is like them telling you you have a broken leg.

there is the same reaction

only if they are doing therapy for themselves will it work!

but any therapy will help deal with their emotions.

only once committed and engaged with a therapist is there truly hope

my wife did the therapist dance last year because i forced her.

didn't end well, announced she was all fixed 

OK i said now you are fixed you can correct the tissue of lies that have slandered my good name.

this ended up with us splitting up and me being slandered more.

my name is mud in our small community

tread very carefully and read a lot!

[CastleofGlass]

What is the reason she is not in therapy now? Have you seen any negative effects of her not being in therapy?

She hasn't entered therapy because she didn't have time to find a new therapist when we arrived here last year. Just a lot of things that happened the first few months where she never got around to finding a new therapist here for herself. Then with the pregnancy and having to home school our s11 with his autistic issues she just never made more appts than she could handle.

I always see negative effects of her not being in therapy. My wife has no friends. For one, we keep to ourselves a lot. Two, it's hard to find friends my wife would stick around for. So she only has her parents and me to vent to. Well, most of the time, she wants to vent about me so she can't do that with me. Just so many things going through her mind and she needs a professional to get it all out with.

[married21years]

IMHO

BPD therapy needs to be twice a week

1 group

1 one to one,

with telephone support

or they will slip back 

[vortex of confusion]

My husband has seen his therapist a few times. It isn't anything regular. He used to try to go once a month. Some of his excuses:

-I don't need a therapist as I am in a 12 step program for sex addiction. That should be enough.

-Whenever I want to go see the therapist, we don't have enough money.

-When we have enough money, he doesn't have the time, forgets to make an appointment, or some other excuse.

-He doesn't like going to see his therapist. It triggers him because it reminds him of all of the times he was forced to go to confession as a child.

I don't know if him seeing a therapist is helpful or not. He never goes regularly enough. Something has helped him but I still feel like there are some things that he just doesn't get.

[Cole]

My wife's issue has been finding the right therapist. She has gone through at least a dozen, and came home more discouraged after every one of them. I had to really push to get her to try one more time and thank goodness she has found one she really likes.

The problem with past therapists has been that they do not understand BPD. 

[maxsterling]

My W also has a hard time accepting BPD diagnosis.  She will gladly report she has PTSD and use it as an excuse, but BPD?  No.  She's told me why - and that is because she claims many T have refused to work with her because of BPD, and BPD has such a negative perception.  I've been with her 2 1/2 years.  My experience with her and therapists is this:  First one she got into a fight with.  Not sure what about.  She's been kicked out of or quit several group therapies.  Kicked out for non-attendance, or quit because she felt "triggered" by someone else in the group or not worth her time.  One T said she was not stable enough for the type of trauma therapy they were doing.  One therapist she had for awhile (9 months or so), but never seemed to put priority on her appointments.  One marriage counselor she quit because she thought the counselor had a crush on me.  Our other marriage counselor we have had for awhile.  Current T she is on the outs with, because when W attempted suicide, I contacted her T to let her know that I was considering ending the r/s.  T then told W that I had called... .

My wife and Ts is about the same as her and friends/dating partners/AA sponsors.  These people are all wonderful for a few weeks or months, until one of them says one thing that my W doesn't want to hear, and then they are painted black. 

[Cole]

  These people are all wonderful for a few weeks or months, until one of them says one thing that my W doesn't want to hear, and then they are painted black. 

I understand that one. She has done the same, where she goes until the T says something she does not like. This new T seems to really have a handle on working with BPD and has got a lot farther with W than any previous ones. She got W to admit she a has severe problem with fear of abandonment, anger, and inability to let go of past hurts. Others have got to that point only to be painted black. I think it is because she helped W figure those things out on her own instead of telling her.

The one she hates so much is one we saw together as a couple a few times. W got over-emotional about something, as pwBPD tend to do, and T said, "You need to get your emotions under control. This is unacceptable."   If she could get her emotions under control, we would not have been there. Have to admit W was right to cut that one loose.

[married21years]

find someone that has been "intensively trained" by shani manning 

this may be an attempt to avoid treatment.

there are videos here of the schisophrenia conference in 2004

explains why

telling her she needs treatment is like her telling you you have to go to hospital for a broken leg

imagine that i told you, you have a broken leg.

this is her reaction to being told she has BPD

sorry bud 

[Cole]

I have read on NAMI and several other sources that there is a though to change the name to "emotional dysregulation disorder". Aside from better describing the illness, I think it is less personal. No one wants to hear they have a personality issue, especially those with BPD who tend to feel like they are always under attack, anyway.

W had another appointment and told me T is helping her with coping skills for her out of control emotions. Sounds like DBT to me, hope she continues to help W without getting painted black.