Should I apologize?

[rockwood]

So I discovered after an intense 7 month long distance relationship and an accepted proposal that there are at least 2 other women who believe themselves to be engaged as well. Did I mention a bad case of alcoholism?

If God gave me a talent  it is the ability to shred another human being via written correspondence.  I put that talent to work and sent off a "scorched earth" email to my ex. I know it hurt him. A friend of mine said he would have to be hospitalized if he had received such a letter. Please know, EVERYTHING was 100% true, there were NO threats or obscenities used. It was just BRUTALLY  honest.

I understand he is disordered. What he did, he because he is frightened and in  pain. Shouldn't I apologize and just tell him to disregard because I was angry?

[Herodias]

Why would you apologize... .? I did the same thing. Mine said he understood and understood how mad I was. I did not apologize.  He asked me not to do it again and that was all. I think an apology would just mean you don't think what you found out was as bad as you first thought... .I don't know, but that's my feeling.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

No.

He should apologize to YOU for his actions.

But we non's know - when a BPD partner asks or begs for forgiveness, it is only to use such actions to control, manipulate and lie to you while they continue doing what they asked to be forgiven for.

[fromheeltoheal]

We should apologize if we were abusive to someone and regret it, but not just because we're angry.  I notice if I cross that line I feel bad or guilty, but if I'm just plain angry and express it, I feel fine.  Plus, telling someone the truth when we're angry is still the truth, and who knows, sometimes we get told the truth at the right time and decide to make changes.  Bottom line for you though is how it feels, and your post indicates you're feeling badly about it; there's the piece about protecting someone from their own truth too, we do that sometimes in relationships, any of that in there?

[Sunfl0wer]

Well, sounds like it is done.  How could one disregard such a letter?

I said some pretty painful truths to my ex, in an unfiltered manner, that greatly contributed to our b/u.  (Ain't that a nice way of putting it?  ) I know that whatever I say forward, he has already absorbed my words and their affect will remain with him.  He may never be able to articulate or repeat them all, but I know they have left their mark.  It was not my intention to harm, however, I was quite obviously frustrated when this came out of me.  I do wish that I had taken some time to filter my words into something more tactful.  If I did, however, I think I would not have been able to communicate the full expression of what he was tuning out from me for so long.  I'm sure he heard me that day... .and swallowed my message whole.

So, what would be the purpose of an apology?

I did apologize.  I was sorry that I said it the way I did.  I was sorry that my truth is so painful, and that the situation I was expressing was painful.  It was painful to us both, in different ways, not just him.  I was pained to have to tell him, to be the one to tell him (again), that he had to hear it, and that while part of him wanted to just brandish me crazy for what was coming out of my mouth, the other part of him knew my words were truth.  I was sorry for his hurt, my hurt, and all of the loss and pain we had and were enduring.  I AM sorry for all of these things.

My words were sharp, I wish they were softer... .however, all were true.  I cannot erase, nor do I want to erase the truth that I shared. 

As much pain as we both had that night... .

I feel that expressing the truth ... .is love.

[Infared]

Don't you dare apologize... .her earned your correspondence. Maybe he will think about getting some help.?  The bottom may be coming up n him.

[Mr Hollande]

If you apologise you may confuse things rather than clear them up. As you said, you are dealing with a disordered person. Chances are he'll just read your apology as something it isn't and further chaos may ensue.

You've said your piece and it was all true. It's done. Now leave it to the wind.

[jalen]

I have had the same thought of whether to apologise aswell for some of my actions and words aswell but I know my doings were contributed to being extremely run down by that person and not understanding BPD at that time

[Beach_Babe]

Don't bother. They will only view it as weakness. They don't care, and aren't sorry. Why should you be?

[jalen]

i am not going to apologise but what happened is i was so run down and physically and mentally exhausted nearing the end of the r/s that i was just going along in my life as a zombie just to get through day to day not knowing what maze i would have to run the next day, after the so called b/u for nearly 3 weeks i didn't miss this person but was rather basking in the tranquillity, recuperating slowly regaining my physical strength back. then 3rd week in my actual deeper emotions of love hit me that i was holding in deep that i wasn't letting out because of her craziness, by this time it was to late so all this love i felt went to improving myself for once in a long time and im not the same person i was rather a better person now. i was able to see some of my own faults and improve them. so my apology is not really for her i still feel pain from her but rather so im able to forgive myself

[Beach_Babe]

That sounds reasonable, jalen. What would you say?

[lm911]

Don't bother. They will only view it as weakness. They don't care, and aren't sorry. Why should you be?

Part of this is true, they don't care like we do and they will not understand it, and we will be just viewed as weak in their eyes.

But you should apologize. You will do it for yourself, not for them. I apologized to mine two times, it got worse, but I did what I  had felt I should do.

[going places]

"Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks".

Words are like nails in a fence. You can bang them in with a hammer, but if you pull the nails out (think apology) there is still a huge hole.

There are times when I would have rather my ex beat me black and blue, than to use his words.

His cruel words haunt me. This is why (one of the BIG reasons) why I went no contact... .

He is a monster, an absolute monster.

I would not apologize, what's done is done.

You cannot undo, what you have done.

I would, however, dig deep and find out how to free your heart of anger and bitterness... .

Trust me, (angry bitter heart, party of one here) having a bitter angry heart comes out in many ways... .I have seen it turn a physically attractive person; ugly, physically. I have seen it warp minds. I have seen it ruin lives, lots of lives, lives of the person w/ the bitter heart and everyone around them... .

Bitterness and rage in the heart will isolate you because eventually it comes out; and it's scary, and no one wants to be around that!

[Skip]

I had someone share these words with me once... . "release with grace".

I took these words to heart (not saying anyone else should) as they reflect the my values and the world I want to live in.  If I can't walk the talk, why should I expect anyone around me do so.

... . "release with punishment/revenge".

... . "release with hatred".

... . "release with immaturity".

No.  I don't want any part of this.

I think the challenge that we all face when pulling away from a dysfunctional relationship is realizing that we were part of the immaturity and bad decisions and we have an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and operate at a higher level.  

And it starts with how we conduct ourselves now, in the breakup.

• I don't know what the letter said.  I do know you and your friend feel it was unnecessarily hurtful/brutal.

• I don't know how he felt in reading it, but the comments that "they don't care" or "it doesn't matter" really don't line up with all the posts I read over the years from members longing for the ex-partner to apologize for acting badly.

• I read a number of posts here that suggest that the decision has something to do with the ex character.  It doesn't.  It only has to do with ours.

I know losing a fiancée is devastating. I know having a marriage crumble is devastating. I can't imagine the pain and loss you must feel.  My heart goes out to you.

Can you tell us more?

[rockwood]

Thank you all. I am trying to carefully consider all that was said.

I love this sweet man, and I was mean to him. Period.

He isn't well, but I saw the warning signs and proceeded down the relationship path anyway. I wanted a life with him so badly. In fact, a whole lot of me, everything but my brain, still does. I had prepared to walk away from my beautiful home of 20 years, my 3 dogs as he despised them, a very, very good job and my friends and family.

I am emotionally destroyed to learn how dishonest he was. To know that all the love proclamations and "spiritual bonding" during lovemaking were a game. I got very angry and I dismantled every part of him with words. I am terribly, terribly sorry.

I don't care if he sees me as weak. When it comes to him, that is well established. In fact, he knows I attempted suicide Saturday night. I think it will only get worse if I engage past the apology. Hopefully, I can construct it in such a way as not to confuse him. I think I simply need to say:

"I was deeply wounded and I lashed out in a horrible way. As I have told you many times, my love for you is unconditional, and I could not be more your wife had we stood at the altar. I am sorry for the hurtful things I said and I wish you peace and happiness."

What do you think?

[Skip]

"I was deeply wounded and I lashed out in a horrible way. As I have told you many times, my love for you is unconditional, and I could not be more your wife had we stood at the altar. I am sorry for the hurtful things I said and I wish you peace and happiness."

Maybe do this in steps - just take one step at a time - let it sink in - for him and  yourself.  Clearly anger is standing in front of your real feelings which are feelings of loss.

"I was deeply wounded and I lashed out in a horrible way. As I have told you many times, my love for you is unconditional, and I could not be more your wife had we stood at the altar. I am sorry for the hurtful things I said and I wish you peace and happiness. I was not being honest with myself or you."

And let it have time to reach both of you.

What happened Saturday night that took you to that next, deeper level of despair?

It might help us all reach out to you more if we can get the back story. Last we know, you got divorced from your prior ex.  

What all has happened since then?

[rockwood]

Thank you, Skip. You're right. I need to do this in bits.

I did finally pull myself from the muck of my marriage. With the divorce came a resolve to be hypervigilant about relationships and boundary setting. I did an ok job, but my nature to be a caretaker (read doormat) would rear its head. I rocked along for a couple of years.

At the end of 2010, I was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer. I have had 23 surgeries, 26 chemo treatments and 13 different "boobs." I kinda took myself out of the dating pool. Because of the physical disfigurement,  I had come to accept there would never be a romantic partner for me. But then along came this big, sweet country boy who swore he would love and care for me. I bought it. I wanted it desperately.  I had seen my mother and grandmother die from this disease, and frankly, I don't want to be alone. Going through treatment alone was enough. Since April, I have been diagnosed with two more forms of cancer. My fiancé was less than interested in either diagnosis.

This situation coupled with my 23 year old son with Aspergers refusing to talk to me since last July, because I would not give his new found love interest my pain medication has brought me to this place. Last Saturday, I tried to take a bottle of painkillers with a bottle of vodka. Unfortunately,  my neighbor saw me stumble and pass out and called an ambulance. I'm just tired of hurting.

I can't believe I'm back here.

[fromheeltoheal]

I love this sweet man, and I was mean to him. Period.

He isn't well, but I saw the warning signs and proceeded down the relationship path anyway. I wanted a life with him so badly. In fact, a whole lot of me, everything but my brain, still does. I had prepared to walk away from my beautiful home of 20 years, my 3 dogs as he despised them, a very, very good job and my friends and family.

Anger is a normal response to abuse, disrespect, deception, manipulation, any or all of that, and as Skip mentions, anger is a secondary emotion, under it is hurt, and that hurt is usually around not being loved, being unloved.  I don't know the whole dynamic of your relationship, but you were willing to give up a whole lot in the name of unconditional love to someone you know is not well, while ignoring warning signs that you saw.  I'm very familiar with that place and those feelings and you might agree it is not healthy.

In fact, a whole lot of me, everything but my brain, still does.

That is common; we have an internal conflict between our heart and our brain in these relationships, and that's also where the growth is coming out of them.  One solution that works is to get very selfish right now; selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give, plus we can find ourselves in a place of give give give in these relationships, and putting our needs first feels unnatural.  But if you listen to your brain exclusively it seems you know what the right thing to do for you is, so do that, by getting very selfish and thinking of nothing but your own well being, as a tool to break free emotionally.  When we do that our hearts protest, but with time, distance, education, connection with other people and a vision for the future, eventually our heart will align with our brain, that place of inner peace.

I am emotionally destroyed to learn how dishonest he was. To know that all the love proclamations and "spiritual bonding" during lovemaking were a game. I got very angry and I dismantled every part of him with words. I am terribly, terribly sorry.

The realization that what we thought was real and who we thought our exes were was all a facade, a fantasy, is a shock, a punch to the gut.  Complete acceptance that our exes have a mental illness is the way out of that but it doesn't happen overnight, best to focus on being selfish for now, to get some distance which will bring clarity.

I don't care if he sees me as weak. When it comes to him, that is well established. In fact, he knows I attempted suicide Saturday night. I think it will only get worse if I engage past the apology. Hopefully, I can construct it in such a way as not to confuse him. I think I simply need to say:

"I was deeply wounded and I lashed out in a horrible way. As I have told you many times, my love for you is unconditional, and I could not be more your wife had we stood at the altar. I am sorry for the hurtful things I said and I wish you peace and happiness."

What do you think?

We don't have to do this alone, you know that because you're here, and do you have help and support in the real world, professional or otherwise?  Getting to the point of considering ending your life may indicate you aren't able to find your way out of the emotional place you're in by yourself, and turning to others for help is strength.

As far as the apology, it's best to focus on what you did, how it made you feel, and what you need to do about it now.  You you you.  If you feel like you owe him an apology then you might want to consider it, but also realize you're playing with fire a little bit in communicating with him in your current emotional state; the apology might bring you some closure, make you feel better, and help you move on, but what if he responds?  Are you ready and able for that, and can you stay emotionally detached enough to continue moving away from him regardless of what he says?  Again, make it about you.

[Skip]

Going through treatment alone was enough. Since April, I have been diagnosed with two more forms of cancer.

My fiancé was less than interested in either diagnosis.

This situation coupled with my 23 year old son with Aspergers refusing to talk to me since last July, because I would not give his new found love interest my pain medication has brought me to this place.

Last Saturday, I tried to take a bottle of painkillers with a bottle of vodka. Unfortunately,  my neighbor saw me stumble and pass out and called an ambulance. I'm just tired of hurting.

How could anybody not be decimated by this. This is a lot to deal with.

I can't believe I'm back here.

Can't believe you waited.  We're here, 24/7 to walk with you on this journey.

[rockwood]

 

[Skip]

Have you reached out to your son?  He can't read emotional cues. That makes it hard.

What happened that brought the relationship down?

[valet]

I don't think that you should apologize.

Rather, I'd urge you to consider why you felt the need to write an email like that at the moment that you did.

[rockwood]

I have tried time and again. We were closer than close. I was his only "person" if that makes sense. He has such a tough time with relationships... .he has a tough time with everything. He used to tell me, "I'm desperately lonely, but I can't stand people." Then he met a woman. She had a terrible story of abandonment and abuse. It was clear to me she was troubled, but he fell hard and fast.

Early on, she reveals she is under the treatment of our large teaching university's psychiatric department-head for... .wait for it... .BPD! As you might imagine, chaos ensued. She quickly caused so much trouble with my son's landlord they were evicted. Next I know, they ask if I will move them to the beach. Promises of jobs and finishing school were made. THOUSANDS of dollars later, as I am the only parent willing to help, they have a lovely 2 bedroom apartment at the beach. She is a hoarder, so my son was barely able to move through his own place. Nevertheless,  they send me a beautiful thank you note and a few weeks later, a lovely Mother's Day card.

A week later, I get a call from my son that his SO is sick. She is out of her antibiotics, and he asks me if I had any leftovers. Of course, given my health, I have everything, so I sent her a full prescription. Now this woman will call an ambulance at the drop of a hat for "pain." She is a gluten-free vegan and a hypochondriac of the highest order. 2 weeks after the request for antibiotics, I get a request for pain meds. Odd thing is, my son knows I have a strict personal policy against prescription strength pain meds and never fill my scripts. Anyway, I said, "No."

I then asked if they had applied for jobs or school or if they had unpacked the boxes as they had promised. My son responded, "She hasn't been well." Unfortunately I said, "Honey, she will never be well." I haven't been able to reach him since.

I know it seems as there must be something more. I agree. I've begged him to communicate, curse me, whatever he needs for resolution. My friends and family have tried with no luck. I texted him a good bye last Saturday. Nothing. He didnt even check to see if I died.