For pwBPD, does sex lose it meaning/luster?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have read here that sex is often a tool for manipulation and control of their nons.  I have to imagine this must, at some level, lead to a numbing of its allure  and pleasure (to the pwBPD) and all the things that make sex a sacred part of a normal loving r/s.  Is it possible (unthinkable to me) that a pwBPD can treat it simultaneously as both a control tool and a source of genuine pleasure and intimate connection?  Or do  they compartmentalize it?

After a 7yr marriage and two BFs while legally separated, she met me and was with me for 3yrs before I finally screamed and had to leave.  I am sick at the thought that sex never meant the same thing to her that it did to me, and with sex itself being progressively more devalued for her, I'm guessing it represents simply a well-honed tactic to use on her next guy.

I so hope I am wrong about this... .

[search4peace]

I have read here that sex is often a tool for manipulation and control of their nons.  I have to imagine this must, at some level, lead to a numbing of its allure  and pleasure (to the pwBPD) and all the things that make sex a sacred part of a normal loving r/s.  Is it possible (unthinkable to me) that a pwBPD can treat it simultaneously as both a control tool and a source of genuine pleasure and intimate connection?  Or do  they compartmentalize it?

After a 7yr marriage and two BFs while legally separated, she met me and was with me for 3yrs before I finally screamed and had to leave.  I am sick at the thought that sex never meant the same thing to her that it did to me, and with sex itself being progressively more devalued for her, I'm guessing it represents simply a well-honed tactic to use on her next guy.

I so hope I am wrong about this... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines are focused on attachments, folks to attach to, to make themselves whole, and sex is a handy attachment tool; it can be called manipulation but it's survival-based.  And then borderlines have trouble regulating intense emotions and look for ways that help, blissing out having sex being one.  The part that is commonly missing is intimacy, an emotional bond between two autonomous individuals, and since a borderline doesn't have a self of their own that is impossible, along with arrested emotional development, making 'adult' interactions equally impossible.  So without the intimacy, the stance that one attachment is as good as another, as long as it's and attachment, and having sex works at making a borderline feel better for that period of time, what results can be considered empty, just going through the motions, which is OK if that's your thing, but those of us here, the ones wanting more, end up dissatisfied at the least, devastated at the worst.

[apollotech]

As FHTH stated, BPD's can do sex well, but what they usually can't do well is intimacy. So, in that regard, using sex as a means to an end (to form/maintain an attachment) it is indeed applied as a tool. Intimacy will trigger their engulfment issues which will result in their crazy making behavior(s). Sex, if it is just sex, won't do that as their is no emotional attachment.

Because of this issue, intimacy possibly triggering engulfment, the strange behavior(s) seen in a pwBPD may be misinterpreted as manipulation, but the strange behavior(s) are actually a person with BPD attempting to avoid intimacy, and therefore, not trigger the engulfment.

[FannyB]

Search4peace

It may be scant consolation, but your successors will not be getting any more from her than you did in the sexual stakes. It is what it is. She gave the best she had to give. Sex can almost be considered an act to win your approval and harness the connection. It doesn't mean she didn't enjoy it or secretly found you repulsive - just that she was unable to experience the same emotional intensity you did. As she is not a 'whole' person, you were emotionally connecting to 'thin air'! Sad for us in retrospect - much sadder for them as this is their ongoing reality.

[Beach_Babe]

 We aren't special, any warm body will do.

[valet]

In my experience, it doesn't mean the same thing to our pwBPD as it does to us.

This became a big issues in my relationship. My ex began losing interest, and it really hurt me. It made me feel very insecure about the relationship because the bar had been set so high during the first year or so.

I wouldn't say that it's a form of conscious manipulation, just a behavioral pattern that pwBPD have found to be effective in forming a strong bond with their significant other(s).

Honestly, the more distance that I have from the relationship, the less pain I feel regarding that problem. I think the bigger things to focus for me are the bouts of the silent treatment, the up/down nature of the relationship, and just the general confusion and strangeness of how it actually ended.

This all depends on what you value within a relationship, though. What do you think that your priorities are in regards to a partner?

[DestroyedKnight]

In short YES! it does

In the beginning,loving,couldn't get enough of each other.Always a doubt at the back of my mind however that she had issues when it came to love making/sex.She wasn't very open to trying new things and once she climaxed that was it game over,no more stimulating for her because she became uncomfortable.

Fast forward 6/7 years and I literally had to book myself in for an appointment . She would actually tell me to go and get the duvet from upstairs and lie down on the living room floor on the duvet and assume position as if to say come on get it over with.Lets just say it wasn't a big turn on for me but I kept up with it because I loved/love her

Since the split and the dysregulation she carries on to her adoring public on her fb wall like she is some kind of porn star bless her . How disappointed her new man in her life is going to be when he finds out what I now know

[SummerStorm]

No, it doesn't mean the same thing at all. 

Mine was the first person I had ever been with.  I am 29 and was more than ready to take that step and basically "get it over with" because I had waited long enough.  So, mentally and emotionally, I was good to go.  Plus, I had very strong feelings for her and thought that she was my "one."  Not to mention the fact that I am bisexual and live in a small, rural town and have a hard time finding women who aren't straight.     

We were drinking that first night, and she was buzzed, but not drunk.  Out of the clear blue, she just started kissing me.  Again, remember that I have had basically no relationship experience at all.  She was only the third person I had ever kissed.  We had flirted a lot up to that point, but we had never done anything else besides cuddle for a few hours. 

She was very considerate and waited until I said I was ready, and she made sure that I enjoyed myself.  And I was also under the influence of alcohol, so I was a lot less nervous than I would have been under normal circumstances.  She had to go home afterwards, and when she left, she was so cold and distant.  I had just had the most intimate experience of my life with someone I loved, and she didn't even seem to care.  When she got home, the first thing she texted me was that she was drunk and was going to throw up. 

When I tried to joke about the hickies she left, all she could say was, "Rub them a bit.  It will make them lighten up."  Later, she just said, "Yeah, I get a little rowdy, especially when I'm drunk."

The second and third times were much better, probably because she was staying over at my house and figured she should try to be romantic and caring.