How do I talk to people about my r/s with my uBPDexgf?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Now that I have (and continue to get) a better understanding of what was really going on in the relationship with my ex, I'm kind of at a loss as to what to say to people if they ask how I'm doing or what happened. I want to tell them all about BPD and how our relationship followed a pattern. I want to let them know that this person isn't really who she portrays herself to be. There's so much awful stuff to tell that I'm worried it will comes off like me just talking s**t on her.

Obviously, what I say depends on who I'm talking to and how much they already know. Some friends know everything, others not much.  There have been times when I have interacted with someone who knows both of us. If they're her friends, they don't ask me anything specific just more polite "hey how are?" small talk.   

I'm trying to be tactful. I don't carelessly speak negatively about anyone. But I do want to talk about what happened and how she behaved. I feel like I'm not being fair to myself, or worse, covering for her terrible behavior if I don't speak up.

[zipline]

Now that I have (and continue to get) a better understanding of what was really going on in the relationship with my ex, I'm kind of at a loss as to what to say to people if they ask how I'm doing or what happened. I want to tell them all about BPD and how our relationship followed a pattern. I want to let them know that this person isn't really who she portrays herself to be. There's so much awful stuff to tell that I'm worried it will comes off like me just talking s**t on her.

Obviously, what I say depends on who I'm talking to and how much they already know. Some friends know everything, others not much.  There have been times when I have interacted with someone who knows both of us. If they're her friends, they don't ask me anything specific just more polite "hey how are?" small talk.   

I'm trying to be tactful. I don't carelessly speak negatively about anyone. But I do want to talk about what happened and how she behaved. I feel like I'm not being fair to myself, or worse, covering for her terrible behavior if I don't speak up.

[FannyB]

It's a tricky one. I personally would say very little to mutual friends as it could get back to her and cause escalating behavior. You know they can't stand shame - and that would be seen as a colossal slight on her character.

I've told a couple of close confidantes about BPD - mainly to explain why I turned into an emotional zombie for 6 weeks last year when I was trying to figure it all out. a lot of people simply won't be interested in the mechanics of it all - they will likely summarize with 'Oh, she was crazy then?'

You can use cliches like 'we weren't on the same page' or 'she changed over time' and roll your eyes when talking to mutual friends. Or simply say 'we weren't compatible but I'm ok with it all'.

At the end of the day you're not really covering up her bad behaviour, just trying to extricate her from your life. Don't feed the drama by lighting her blue touch paper - you can say all you need about her on these boards. 

[Beach_Babe]

I just tell people he died. The ice cream truck hit him

[zipline]

This is what I wrote in my journal. Even if I don't get to say it aloud, I've expressed it.

"Hey. I'm ok. Honestly, it's been a tough few months. My dad died in March, and it's been a strain on me and my family. I'm doing my best to help my mom recover but it's been a difficult process for her. And then there was the stuff with [ExGF].  She completely pulled away while my dad was in the hospital and ended our relationship a couple days after he died. When we met that last time she showed no empathy and offered no support. I wrote her after the memorial service a few weeks later and she told me she didn't want to know how I was and not to contact her again. I haven't. I'm still processing that. She turned out to be someone very different than who I thought she was."

I mean people HAVE to know that there's something seriously wrong with her, right?

[Sunfl0wer]

I like the way you are describing actions without providing a judgement.  They can come to their own conclusion.

[valet]

Hey zipline, this is something that you'll have to approach on a person by person basis.

I have told my close friends everything I believe regarding my ex. Others that I don't trust as much, very little.

Regardless of who you tell, do you feel that you need validation regarding your ideas?

[Bassoutcast]

I'm not sure if this helps but this is how I describe mine :

"Basically, she had a mental illness that made her 'copy' my traits, like a chameleon. She has no 'grey areas', to her a person is either good or bad, and if you're 'good' nothing you do is bad, but if you're 'bad' nothing you do is good. She was post-traumatic and used me for emotional stability, I gave her everything, promised her the moon and the stars and in the end she turned it all against me *gives example of devaluation during breakup* *person is shocked*. Funny thing is - she cut herself, was chronically depressed, had bad relations with her family and tried to commit suicide twice, but I stuck through it, even though sometimes it was overwhelming, but when I needed her the most she dumped me. Isn't that a bit selfish and hypocritical? *person agrees with me*. It all went south when I told her she wasn't putting effort into the r/s - effort isn't how many presents you give or how many dates you go on, it's being there when your partner is in an emotional crisis and supporting him, not breaking up with him and having the nerve to say 'I have enough problems of my own to deal with yours, you know that'."

That's usually what I say when I'm asked about it. The vast majority is shocked to learn this, and are often sympathizing with me.  

[zipline]

Regardless of who you tell, do you feel that you need validation regarding your ideas?

If you mean in my city, with my friends, with mutual acquaintances? Honestly - I do. The situation made me feel less than human because it was dehumanizing. I don't deserve that. I don't know what her "breakup story" is, I would guess it's a glossy "it just didn't work out. I was sad, but now I'm better." I'm not comfortable supporting that if given a chance to express my feelings about it. 

[Skip]

One benefit of being in a support group is we can talk about it all and understand - believe - and most importantly, not question you or your motives.

Will others?  The reality is, often no. When you label someone else or bring forth the drama of a bad relationship many will feel that they need to decide for themselves , how much was you, how much was her.  It's human nature.

Use your support group.  Use your therapist.  If you have a confidant, use them.

But think carefully before pulling some one else into the drama and putting them in position to where they must assess and judge.

[JRT]

You may want to consider telling very few people about this. The public perception of mental illness is someone laying in their own filth in an urban gutter speaking in tongues and begging for loose change. The outwardly normal picture of the person you recently broke up with is anything but consistent with that vision. If it is like my experience, some people that you tell might very well think that your are the one with a mental illness rather than the other way around.

If ever necessary, I give people the facts and let them draw their own conclusions regarding what had motivated her.

[valet]

Regardless of who you tell, do you feel that you need validation regarding your ideas?

If you mean in my city, with my friends, with mutual acquaintances? Honestly - I do. The situation made me feel less than human because it was dehumanizing. I don't deserve that. I don't know what her "breakup story" is, I would guess it's a glossy "it just didn't work out. I was sad, but now I'm better." I'm not comfortable supporting that if given a chance to express my feelings about it.  

Yeah, I completely understand those feelings. I was at odds with myself in this way as well. I think here you really need to rely on the people that you trust the most. It definitely is crazy-making when someone can't even acknowledge your opinion.

I was lucky in that regard, since I have a few friends that didn't quite understand the disorder, but saw that something was wrong because there was no real 'reason' for anything happening the way it did. The pieces didn't all add up; I just happened to be the first person to find the missing ones. Once I started explaining my ex's behavior to them they gradually started to accept that maybe I was right.

I guess by that time, the idea that my ex was disordered wasn't so strong in my head. It has just become a fact that I have to set boundaries around (i.e. I won't be romantically involved with her; I won't put up with the push/pull dynamic; I won't be someone that she triangulates with future partners).

You definitely don't deserve to feel inhuman. You are human; that is a fact.

In the future, do you think that it will hurt you if people don't believe your version of the truth?

[zipline]

In the future, do you think that it will hurt you if people don't believe your version of the truth?

That's a good question. I don't know. Right now I feel like I it will, but I'm still raw about everything. If I were to feel hurt, then I'm still reacting to her, engaging her -- I'd be basing my wellbeing (not feeling hurt, feeling whole) on the validation of my version AND the invalidation of whatever her version is.

Here's where I might be coming from. She told me in our last exchange (~2 months ago) that she wanted focus her remaining time in the country with the good friends she's made here and leave with no regrets -- therefore don't contact her ever again. I feel greatly aggrieved by that, and frankly believe that she should have some regrets (I know I do!), and that her "joy, joy, super friend, awesome vivacious woman" persona with her "great friends" needs some contextual realignment. Ugh. It just really pisses me off that she can act like that. It's beyond me to understand.  

I see how this is about trying making myself feel better by taking her down a notch or three. But I'm not sure why that's a bad thing at this stage, I guess.

I think I understand that the best way for me to be in light of all that's gone on is to be genuinely healthy, happy, and positive. If someone asks how I'm doing to just say "Hey! I'm doing great! Thanks!" and leave it at that. But I'm not there yet. Hopefully I will be sooner than later.

[Skip]

I see how this is about trying making myself feel better by taking her down a notch or three. But I'm not sure why that's a bad thing at this stage, I guess.

1. Codependency is driven by our feelings about ourself being dictated by others feelings about us. Is it possible that you have this "habit" are just shifting the target? If others say, yeah she is crazy, not you - will you then feel vindicated?  Is this the "fix" you are seeking.  Not unusual. But healthy?

2. What if you fail. She struts around like "super friend, awesome vivacious woman" and you come off as "sour grapes and a blamer" What if others say behind your back, yeah he got issues... .

Your call.  You healthy path.  I can't know how it will play.  Just painting these scenarios for consideration.

[coldmist]

When my relationship ended and I was grieving from the abandonment, I was telling my story to everyone that would listen. I think I was desperate for validation as I felt like I was going crazy. I've come to realize that I've had boundary issues of being way too open with my problems and needing validation. Looking back I wish I hadn't done that especially with a few people that my ex and I worked with. Even though nothing came from it that was not the appropriate thing to do.

I didn't know what BPD was yet so I didn't label her. Everyone I told the story to thought she was either psychotic or going through something and that I should move on.

I think a therapist, support group, and this forum are much better outlets. If you do a tell a friend your story, don't obsess about it around them. You'll start to look like the crazy one like I'm sure I did.

[zipline]

1. Codependency is driven by our feelings about ourself being dictated by others feelings about us. Is it possible that you have this "habit" are just shifting the target? If others say, yeah she is crazy, not you - will you then feel vindicated?  Is this the "fix" you are seeking.  Not unusual. But healthy?

2. What if you fail. She struts around like "super friend, awesome vivacious woman" and you come off as "sour grapes and a blamer" What if others say behind your back, yeah he got issues... .

The outwardly normal picture of the person you recently broke up with is anything but consistent with that vision. If it is like my experience, some people that you tell might very well think that your are the one with a mental illness rather than the other way around.

Great points.  Thanks to all who replied. Super helpful. I feel better today and I don't have the urge to "tell the world" how disordered this person is.  If I'm in a good place, then I've got more important things to think about than what the world thinks of this person.  And getting to and being in that good place is what I need to focus on today.

[Sunfl0wer]

^^^^^

[disorderedsociety]

You may want to consider telling very few people about this. The public perception of mental illness is someone laying in their own filth in an urban gutter speaking in tongues and begging for loose change. The outwardly normal picture of the person you recently broke up with is anything but consistent with that vision. If it is like my experience, some people that you tell might very well think that your are the one with a mental illness rather than the other way around.

If ever necessary, I give people the facts and let them draw their own conclusions regarding what had motivated her.

Yeah, especially if we stayed in the r/s, ignoring red flags and times when we felt like crap. It only highlights our core weaknesses. If anyone asks, I explain that she was unstable, expected me to be 100% involved in her all the time, no matter how she treated me, and that she started talking to other guys when I stopped feeding her narcissism so I left.

Then if they ask what happened afterward, oh well she went and screwed 4 other guys in a week then found a weak one to attach to.