First few weeks

[lostjak]

I'm really sorry for what is bound to be a long post. I've been lurking for a long time, with an occasional post, and especially the past two weeks. I've been with my BPD partner for 16 years. 5 years ago we had our civil ceremony and the next year I moved to the UK so we could be together.

Last year she had a break and accused me of hurting her. (I never did anything) Luckily, the police never knocked on our door, but I did eventually find out. She had befriended another woman from work and this woman had become the saviour. I agreed to stay but I asked that she not be around this woman outside of work. I don't know if anyone else can understand, but I felt so betrayed and cheated on. It wasn't about sex but the emotional betrayal hurt just as much. For the past year we have plodded through each day. Every weekend I felt as though I was forcing her to be with me. Romance began to disappear. Friendship began to disappear. I felt like a shell. We started couples therapy and unfortunately (maybe someday I will say fortunately) I began to think about things. Then I found a letter to this friend that my partner had written. It talked about therapy so I knew it was relatively current. It talked about a complicated relationship that she wanted out of. That I was mothering. I started to see myself always fixing, always the carer, always giving up what I wanted for the greater good. I found myself sitting in my room crying more and more. I started watching for a flat. She kept being so nasty to our daughter, to me. I was working full time and caring for her and trying to keep our daughter from going insane. I was exhausted. I found a flat with a nice landlord and I paid the deposit. If I'm honest I shocked myself!  But my partner went on about she didn't see it coming. How could I leave her when I promised.

Last week was her birthday and I made reservations at her favourite place. She didn't want to see me. Understandable, but I didn't want to hurt her anymore. This weekend, she asked me to go to an event with her. I said yes. She stood me up. No, sorry I can't make it no nothing.

I'm not sure how you all make it with NC. I'm struggling. Really struggling. It's like trying to learn to write with my left hand. I'm scared. I'm lonely. My heart is broken. I'm confused.

I keep reading posts here. It helps for a little while. Then I miss being on the pedestal. I miss being the be all end all. I miss who I thought I would end my days with. Pathetic isn't it. I have no family for support. Only a few friends. I feel crazy. I feel panicky. It's not like me. I'm trying to get a counsoler, but they need to understand her illness or it will be like talking to the spin dryer. Any advice to stay sane? It's like weaning off an addiction.

[cosmonaut]

I'm so sorry for all the pain you're feeling right now, lostjak.  These are often agonizing breakups, and I think all of us here can understand that.  I felt similarly lost and crushed when my ex left me.  It's very hard to understand how something that once seemed so perfect and so ideal could fall apart over so little.  It is a devastating fall, and it hurts tremendously.  That there is infidelity occurring (physical or otherwise), only makes this all the more painful.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  Anyone would feel overwhelmed by this experience.  Do keep reading and posting here.  It really helps to work through things here and to let us support you.  We're here for you.

Where are you at right now in regards to the relationship?  Are you seeking to move towards ending the relationship?  Are you just looking for some space right now while you process what's happening?  Are the children staying with you?  If you feel like sharing, I'd be interested in knowing more about how you are feeling about things.

My best advice for right now is to take good care of you.  You are in crisis right now, and you are have been wounded in a profoundly deep way.  Take this time to focus on yourself and take good care of you.  The basics are most important right now: eating well, getting enough sleep, getting some exercise, getting out of the house a bit.  Above all, be gentle with yourself.  You are wounded and you will need time to convalesce.  When my ex left me I lost over 20 pounds, couldn't sleep, felt like a zombie shambling through life, had my work deteriorate, etc.  It was an awful experience.  So, I can very much understand.  The little things are what are important right now.  And please don't blame yourself.  This is not happening because you are not good enough or because of anything you did.  This is what happens with the disorder.  It's truly not you.  Please always remember that.  It's not because you're not good enough.

Hang in there, lostjak.  I know this is a very difficult time, but we're here for you.

[lostjak]

Where are you at right now in regards to the relationship?  Are you seeking to move towards ending the relationship?  Are you just looking for some space right now while you process what's happening?   

I just don't know. At first it was so peaceful, I loved the less craziness. The second week, I had a rough week at work. I wasn't sleeping, my head wouldn't stop thinking and I was lonely. It's like I forgot how she'd been treating me and could only remember when I was the most important thing in the world. I found out the minute I was out of the house she had contacted this friend of hers taking about being excited to spend time with her. Then she's been spending a lot of time in person and on the phone with her mom. Her mom is the worst influence because her mental health is worse than my partners. I just feel like things are going to get a lot worse for her. I'm confused, but the fact that in two weeks I've made steps to positive change is good. I'm holding on to that. But I wish someone would take this elephant off my chest!

Are the children staying with you? 

We just have one. She's my bio daughter. She's not really a child anymore because she just turned 20, but she lives at home while in uni. She gave up her life 4 years ago to move here with me. My partner has been there since our daughter can remember. But something about her growing into an independent young woman wound my partner up. It's like my partner hates her. She just spews ugliness at her until I just can't stand to hear it. Then we have arguments and it's always my fault because I'm sticking up for our daughter. I keep hoping I was enough of a buffer to have stopped some of the transfer of illness. I do know that our daughter tried cutting. She saw her other mothers behaviour and copied.

How I feel about things is sometimes numb, sometimes so intense I can't breathe. I was shocked yesterday but I had a sort of panic attack in the grocery store. That kind of thing almost never happens to me. I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm trying to get a counsellor sorted. I'm trying to eat. Sleeping is where I am having the most trouble. I just can't. One day last week I fell asleep at 7 and didn't wake up until 6 the next morning. I get the zombie feeling. Im struggling at work too. My job is high pressure and client facing. I don't have a lot in me at the moment, but I'm trying. I can't take any time off to wallow because my workmate is on holiday for another week.

I feel the games are kicking in. She hates it when I say that... .that she's playing games... .but it sure feels like it. I'm trying to ride out the wave but it's hard.