How much time do you spend on your own post BPD relationship?

[disillusionedandsore]

I'm happy in my own company and can entertain myself for hours... .But because I keep remembering what it was like to have this other in my home,  my daily life,  taking up hours of my time and most of my mental energy I wonder what normal is... .I've gone from full on r/s to NC literally overnight,  have grieved and wailed and survived but I am so conscious of being alone... .Weeks have turned into months and I have formed new habits which include wanting to be by myself more than ever... .I am so relieved to get home after being out because I know I d on't have to face people.  This is in contrast to the 'elated'  person I was only last year inspite of r/s problems.  I now am feeling like a hermit

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey disillusioned-

Do you consider yourself an extroverted or an introverted person?  One definition I like is that an extroverted person gets energy from being around other people while an introverted one loses energy.  I'm very much an introverted person, although you wouldn't know it sometimes because I've gotten good at gabbing, very chatty, which a lot of times is a way to keep people away, at a distance.  When I was younger I used to think that something was 'wrong' with me because I wasn't as motivated as most people to 'get together', and could spend hours, if not days, by myself and not be lonely or bored, ever.  As I've gotten older, and learned about personality types and such, I've accepted myself the way I am, and also noticed that a lot of people who like to be in groups can't be alone, which to me is a burden and one I'm really happy I don't have.

That is slightly different from being in a relationship though, two people spending lots of time together, that I'm totally fine with if it's the right person.  Or even a small group at home.

Anyway, single life is different, we have the opportunity to spend time with whomever we want, and as many different people as we want, but do we?  I work out of a home office by myself, and it takes work to get out and meet people, but lately it's been a goal, I make myself do it, and generally it's a good thing, but I do end up tired after it, glad to be home on my own again.  That one special person though, I'm ready again... .

[disillusionedandsore]

Thanks for this HTH,  It has given me much room for thought I must say.  I find being with people I don't know very well or for very long exhausting now I think because I am analysising everything,  how they speak,  what they say,  what their agenda might be,  telling myself for all I know they could be lying... .Things I didn't do before BPD r/s... .

My eyes have been opened and the world is just not the same... .I find minding me much harder work now

[peacefulmind]

Thanks for this HTH,  It has given me much room for thought I must say.  I find being with people I don't know very well or for very long exhausting now I think because I am analysising everything,  how they speak,  what they say,  what their agenda might be,  telling myself for all I know they could be lying... .Things I didn't do before BPD r/s... .

My eyes have been opened and the world is just not the same... .I find minding me much harder work now

I find myself in this same position when I approach people I don't know. I read their every word and I constantly remind myself that the equality behind words and actions must persists if I am to believe any of their talk.

However, I do believe this is a transient phase that I eventually will get over. I think it, just as healing, takes time to implement yourself back into an every day, living off of your life experiences, and integrate it as a part of yourself. Think of it as learning to ride the bike. The first times it is really awkward, you will fall over, and you will hurt yourself plenty of times. With time, it will become easier, the petals will move by themselves without you having to work hard to coordinate the movements needed for forward pacing.

I see my new journey as that. I will inevitably make some wrong choices in the forthcoming future and judge people who do not deserve to be judged. But I will do that to protect myself, and I will use it as further understanding the dynamics that my BPD relationship has left for me to solve. Everything we do, becomes an integral part of us, but it will take time.

I am an introvert myself, but I enjoy my closest friends' and family's company. I use that as a mediator in getting me out. I'm spending as much time with my good friends as possible, I visit my family whenever the funds or circumstances allow me to, and I make sure that I stay in contact with my friends, even if I don't see them.

There's no wrong say in this matter, however, we all deal with issues like these differently. I enjoy spending my time at home, and can sometimes feel like a hermit after a few weeks of "isolation". But I don't see it as that, I still talk to people every day, but I may not be physically present. That is okay. I would suggest for you to look inwards and see if it is something that is bothering you, and if it is, then it's a matter of practice to get back out there. I find myself overanalysing things as stated, but with time, I think it will get better

Hang in there, and do what is best for you.

[disillusionedandsore]

Thanks for your kind reply Peacefulmind, I'm hoping it's a transitory phase too! I guess it leaves me feeling much more alone and so being on my own is neither here nor there... .I guess I'm guilty of assuming others where on the same page whether they actually were or not before ... .Now,  I am seeing how much they are not... .I know I have changed.  I very much understand it is my responsibility to communicate well,  communicate boundaries and stand up for myself when appropriate.  It's so much tougher than believing everyone has your best interests at heart.

[NonBPDEx]

I broke off with my exBPDgf in April. I was OK with it then. May was difficult, but I kept my calendar booked with friends and activities. Then I saw her at the beginning of June and it completely threw me for a loop.

Since then I have pretty much shut myself in. I have canceled all activities. They just seem like they would not be fun now.

It is interesting about friends. My exgf always had a hard time with my friends. Saying they were causing a lot of problems in our r/s. The friends in turn said my gf was not good for me. Now that I am out of the r/s, I have only '1' friend who is checking in on me regularly.

It sort of feels like you have been stripped bare before the world, and need to cocoon, or crawl back into the womb.

As Paul Simon sang:

"I am a rock, I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries".

[disillusionedandsore]

Yes,  NonBPD ex,  all these types of feelings,  cocooning etc I have changed some of my routine too because my ex was doing sporadic sudden drive bys.  Whatever his motives,  it managed to steal my joy and shake up my sense of safety and freedom. I mentioned it to one good friend who said of course you are going to come across him from time to time!  I didn't 'come across' him,  he knew with almost 99% accuracy where I would be,  what time etc and drove two counties to either be seen by me or see

me!  This is an example of what I mean by exhausting and this was with a good long term friend! I obviously told her I believed I was being stalked and that it wasn't the first time but she didn't comment either way,  like it was incredulous... .Sigh  :'(

[NonBPDEx]

To be honest, I would probably feel better if I knew my exgf was doing drive-bys. Then at least I would know I were on her mind (for whatever reason). But I am dead to her now, and that feels incredibly alienating.

[disillusionedandsore]

I know that feeling too and it is excruciating.  My ex did this to me during our relationship! He left for 7 weeks without a word,  carried on his Life like it was nothing.  I was in agony (prior to knowing about BPD) wondering what I had done, what it meant,  feeling like I didn't exist,  like I didn't deserve to exist in his eyes... .I will never forget the pain/torment.  I couldn't believe he could do it and keep it up, and surely  he was missing me,  our home,  our Life... .I saw him and his brother one evening during this time, driving through a carpark,  looking good with a new haircut and I was utterly distraught... .Life goes on so to speak I couldn't drive myself home for 3 hours after that sighting, I just cried and cried.  By the way he hasn't acknowledged me in any drive bys... .It is even more like I dont exist,  as if he just happens to be passing... .Doesn't even occur to him I might be there... .Etc Weird and hurtful... .Be careful what you ask for!   

[NonBPDEx]

The last time I saw my ex she looked great. At peace she said. Happy with her new guy.

We had a friendly, caring 'good bye'. I got in my car, drove around the corner and completely broke down and have been withdrawn from the world since.

As for being careful what I wish for, I am under no illusion that if I ever hear from her again, it will only because her new relationship is going south.

[fromheeltoheal]

The upside of this experience for me is the chance to really look at the conditions that got me into the relationship to begin with and a chance to rebuild.  Sure, I could continue to operate out in the world, presenting a false self to navigate daily life, or I could use the pain of enmeshment with mental illness as motivation to collapse my life down to nothing and rebuild from there.  Sure, there was plenty of her her her, but I entered the relationship and stayed in it voluntarily, and had I been where I'm at now then I never would have started the relationship to begin with, no question.  So what that looked like was a lot of lying around in bed, smoking cigarettes, watching TV, doing damn all really, for the better part of a year, until I got tired of the stuckness of that and started to visualize a future of my own design and started building.  Kinda great really, an opportunity to redesign our lives based on priorities that had shifted, and it's easy to get caught up in the 'daily grind' of modern living and never take the opportunity to remove ourselves from that and give ourselves a bird's eye view of where we are and where we're going.  The biggest shift is sure, I'll still be an introvert and I'm good with that, but I'm much better at guarding the gates so to speak, much less tolerance for bullsht, and if I invite you into my world it's because you want the best for me and respect my boundaries, otherwise you gotta go.  It's a brand new world.

[disillusionedandsore]

Yes FHtH,  earlier I was going to type I just can't pretend anymore... .I think that's what this 'stripping bare' that NonBpDex refers to,  does to us. The withdrawal is real and the injury is real for sure.  I agree if I knew then what I know now,  not a hope we would ever got out the gate.  I expected my ex to respect my boundaries,  my feelings,  to have my best interests at heart... .Oh boy I am laughing hard now! Like it was his 'job'

to do so... .instead of mine! Hardest lesson of my Life

[fromheeltoheal]

I expected my ex to respect my boundaries,  my feelings,  to have my best interests at heart... .Oh boy I am laughing hard now! Like it was his 'job' to do so... .instead of mine! Hardest lesson of my Life

Yeah, I still struggle with that, mostly because it's new.  Sure, it's our job to enforce our boundaries, but it's also our job to decide whom we do that with.  Folks who continually try and bust my boundaries, disrespect my feelings and don't have my best interests at heart need to get out of my life immediately, no question, but where do you draw the line?  There's enforcing boundaries and there's realizing who's going to try and bust them to begin with, and why did they do that and how much do they care about me anyway?  My ex was an over-the-line whackjob, no room for her in my life at all, but that was an extreme case, what about everyone else?  Person by person and relationship by relationship, but this stuff isn't supposed to always be hard, the best relationships just flow and are effortless.  Guess there's no other way to establish them than just starting a lot of them and keeping the best.

[disillusionedandsore]

Yes 'where do you draw the line?' That's the

on-going take out from this alright but as you say person by person, relationship by relationship.  And for me right now it's baby steps too.  So glad I found site!