Handling the latest crisis

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So the stbx uBPDw has demanded I meet with her and the parish priest tomorrow after church so she can present photographic evidence of my "deceit"... .

Personally, I'm done with all the witch hunts. No more.

Update on the rest of everything: all paperwork submitted, we'll be divorced in 3-8 weeks, depending on which judge gets the case. Her stuff is boxed up, movers come on Tuesday. I have to sign the title for the car over to her, and arrange to have the car shipped. She gets a settlement from my 401k, plus a small alimony check for four months. She is still in the rented house, and I'm in a rented room. She wants to fly home on the 29th, after her car is dropped off to be shipped.

Okay, that said... .I want to keep this moving, but I'm going to decline to meet at church. I don't know what her evidence is, or what I was deceitful about. Or if it's true or BS. I don't care.

So how do I decline and still keep this ball rolling?

I do have the option of moving out (hiring movers, leaving her in an empty house). I want to avoid that.

Any advice on standing firm?

I'm thinking of telling her that I have enough money to ship her stuff or move across town. Not both.but I have no idea if that will be effective.

The potential is there for her to be gone in 9-10 days. Not meeting with the priest could cause her to stall. Meeting is giving in to another demand, and eventually I have to say no. If not this demand, then which one? Number one priority is getting her out.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

So the stbx uBPDw has demanded I meet with her and the parish priest tomorrow after church so she can present photographic evidence of my "deceit"... .

Personally, I'm done with all the witch hunts. No more.

Update on the rest of everything: all paperwork submitted, we'll be divorced in 3-8 weeks, depending on which judge gets the case. Her stuff is boxed up, movers come on Tuesday. I have to sign the title for the car over to her, and arrange to have the car shipped. She gets a settlement from my 401k, plus a small alimony check for four months. She is still in the rented house, and I'm in a rented room. She wants to fly home on the 29th, after her car is dropped off to be shipped.

Okay, that said... .I want to keep this moving, but I'm going to decline to meet at church. I don't know what her evidence is, or what I was deceitful about. Or if it's true or BS. I don't care.

So how do I decline and still keep this ball rolling?

I do have the option of moving out (hiring movers, leaving her in an empty house). I want to avoid that.

Any advice on standing firm?

I'm thinking of telling her that I have enough money to ship her stuff or move across town. Not both.but I have no idea if that will be effective.

The potential is there for her to be gone in 9-10 days. Not meeting with the priest could cause her to stall. Meeting is giving in to another demand, and eventually I have to say no. If not this demand, then which one? Number one priority is getting her out.

Gomez

[livednlearned]

Do whatever feels best in terms of taking care of yourself.

Sitting and listening to her (with as much compassion as you can... .), knowing she is ill, and might be using the meeting as a way to hang onto something she is terrified to face (abandonment). This requires detachment, and no small amount of patience.

Or declining to meet and sorting through the potential problems that could generate.

What is your relationship like with the parish priest? Is this someone who understands your ex is disturbed? Would you feel comfortable reaching out and asking for support, maybe telling him in advance where you are at in your healing (i.e. that you want her to be heard, but there is no "deceit" etc.). Sort of stacking things in your favor, emotionally.

There are positions I wish I could've taken during the time I divorced n/BPDx. I wish I handled some things better. I also wasn't the same person then as I am now. It takes tremendous strength to leave a BPD marriage. You can set the weight of this down from time to time, gomez. Two steps forward, one step back is ok. It might even be the best anyone can manage under the circumstances.

What is the story you want to tell yourself when you look back?

[gomez_addams]

Oh, there's plenty of deceit. Just no affair. When someone tells you that they'd leave you if you XYZ, one is tempted to not discuss XYZ, no matter how trivial.

But she needs me to have an affair. She's begged me to promise if I ever meet someone to tell her. In her mind, if I have sex with someone else she will be "free" of this marriage and can remarry.  Same thing if I die. She prays that I die so she can be "free"... .

I'm sort of considering the meeting. The priest is fully aware. She accused him of pushing us towards a divorce (wholly untrue -- he's a "never the answer" type).

My settlement offer was based on what I could afford to give. Much more than what the court would award, but structured in a way I could recover from. I don't want to cause her pain, but I'm constantly in no-win situations where there is no healthy, productive option.

I don't want to move out and leave her stuck in an unfurnished apartment, and unemployed. But the first week of July I need to be out of the place I'm living in (house will be remodeled). At some point this all has to end. I accepted her settlement offer. I accepted to meet with the priests the first time. I caved and gave her half my last paycheck. I never cut her off from the joint account (she withdrew and spent roughly $2500 on Lord knows what).

I feel I don't have the skills to set boundaries, or the strength to endure the backlash. Heck, that's why I'm terminating this marriage. I just feel like enough is enough. This is about the fifth "one last thing" she's requiring from me.

I do appreciate your input. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Gomez

[livednlearned]

You can always tell her, "Let me think about it."

Check in with yourself tomorrow in church to see how you feel.

What is the worse-case scenario?

What is the best-case scenario?

[gomez_addams]

I re-read her email. She has a ziplock bag of evidence and photographs. Of what? It's ridiculous.

And it follows her pattern during her most unhinged moments: completely unhinged statements, followed up by completely benign non-sequiturs. Not only does she have a ziplock bag of evidence (and photos!) but she also just watched the final episode of one of our favorite shows. The latter info coming in a text asking me if I got her email.

She once discussed getting the foundation poured on our future house moments after talking about overdosing.

I emailed the priest to let him know I'll probably decline. In her mind I'm guilty, so I can admit (bad!) or I can lie to her face (bad!). There's no resolution.

Accusations -- especially the vague ones -- are a huge trigger for me. I get hyper defensive. It's easy for me to lose my cool.

Maybe it's better to handle the signing of the title in the priedt's prescence. A third party often has a calming impact on her, and forced her to keep things in check.

I don't know what the best case / worst case are. I'm a bit flustered right now.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

So I told the stbx uBPDw that I'd think about it, and either meet her after church or at the house at the time we agreed upon.

She responded that she doesn't want me coming to the house, and that if I do a priest must come with me.

A) I think this is more about getting an audience with the priest to air her allegations and show off the ziplock bag full of evidence.

B) I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of her telling me I can't go to the house. Not so much the "I pay the rent, lease in my name" part... .More worried about potential "officer, I told him not to come here alone" type crap,

C) I know this is potentially over in 9-10 days, but the stress is killing me. I know the finality of it must be triggering the worst in her. I'm trying to be understanding, but freaking seriously I just want to scream what the hell is wrong with you, you freaking psycho?. I know that is the wrong thing. I might have to scream that at a friend in the near future to get it out of my system.

I think I fear false allegations more than anything right now. I'm considering going to the meeting tmw just to avoid going to the house.

Ugh. No win situations has been the hallmark of this marriage.

Gomez

[enlighten me]

There is a possibility that she will stall if she cant have the meeting. It seems that she is determined to smear you to the priest and if she cant do it this time she may stall until she can.

[gomez_addams]

There is a possibility that she will stall if she cant have the meeting. It seems that she is determined to smear you to the priest and if she cant do it this time she may stall until she can.

It's possible.

I'm seriously considering the meeting.

I could care less what evidence she has. The priest is an honest broker, and he'd be fair, caring and compassionate even if she had video of me drowning puppies or some other horrific act.

My hesitation is that this meeting is the "last and final thing" she is asking (demanding) I do for her. Just like the previous ten or twelve "last and final" things. Eventually she's going to ask (demand) for something I cannot or will not comply with. And then I'll be at square one.

She won't rest until I admit I stuck my ding-dong in someone. Which I havent. And Lord have mercy of I did admit to it, it would open a can of worms and I'd have wished I wouldn't had falsely admitted it.

Gomez

[enlighten me]

Never admit to something you didnt do even if you think it will make life easier. It wont.

You could say that you agree to the meeting but it is the last time you will do this. That you wish to put this to bed.

Once youve had the meeting and she is disproved tell her it has to stop now or else you will seek legal action for harrasment and slander. By doing this in front of the priest it will take away her ability to use him as leverage.

[livednlearned]

She desperately needs someone (the priest) to believe that she is not responsible for the end of the marriage, and the meeting is how she can tie up that loose end. It's like having her day in court.

One thing I noticed with N/BPDx -- if I did something kind oo above and beyond what was expected, it aggravated him. I think it's because people with BPD are constantly working the story so that they are the victim. You have offered your stbx above and beyond what is expected, and in BPD chess terms, she has to find a way to change the narrative so she's the victim.

If you cannot hear her allegations without getting defensive, it might be best to avoid any meetings with her. If you can stay neutral, it could be worth it.

Hope whatever you do that it goes ok.

[GaGrl]

It sounds as if she wants to re-open something that is already settled. If the divorce papers have been signed and filed as an uncontested/no fault divorce, what purpose is a blame-game meeting except to soothe her emotions? You won't be around for soothing anymore; she has to look elsewhere or learn to self-soothe.

What would her reaction be if you asked her if she is indeed wanting to re-open the divorce action? Because, of course, that means the settlement is off the table, and you sure hope her evidence would hold up in court, etc. Etc. ... .no alimony, cash settlement, joint account access, shipping.

Would she back off?

[gomez_addams]

So I had decided to swing by the church later, but too late! She spoke with the priest this morning, and he told her I was not inclined to sit through more accusations.

So she just texted and emailed to let me know there won't be a meeting... .Ever. She has concluded that my reluctance to meet as evidence of my guilt. She now wants to go home.

So good news: she really, really wants to go home. That and the divorce papers are all signed and submitted.

Not so good: more threats to call my employer if I don't follow her instructions. My job has a morals clause, and I need them to renew my contract as soon as the divorce is final. Additionally, she has repeated her claim that she doesn't feel comfortable alone with me, and if I show up to the house she'll "call someone for back-up"... .

I've spoken to the cops and they have a procedure for doing standbys in domestic situations. "No problem, just call. We do it all the time!"  So if I do need to grab something, I'll bring Officer Friendly.

This situation isn't horrible. It's just tense, chaotic, and unstable. And she wants to be out of my life in eight days.

The plan: get everything in motion for her to leave. Do not admit any guilt. Do not do anything that could be construed are escalating. Warn my employer of potential phone calls, with background. There's a new boss starting literally tomorrow. I'll swing by and visit her.

I have no desire to try and convince her I haven't had an affair. That's pointless.

Eyes on the prize.

Gomez

[Sunfl0wer]

You are not taking the bait!

Good for you!

Wow!  She really is persistent in the baiting! 

[gomez_addams]

You are not taking the bait!

Good for you!

Wow!  She really is persistent in the baiting! 

The funny thing: I was getting ready to head to the meeting when I saw her email. She cancelled it ahead of time.

Sheesh.

Gomez

[Sunfl0wer]

You are not taking the bait!

Good for you!

Wow!  She really is persistent in the baiting! 

The funny thing: I was getting ready to head to the meeting when I saw her email. She cancelled it ahead of time.

Sheesh.

Gomez

You DO know that all of her actions at this point are selfish, self serving... .etc.

You are strong!

Remain that way!

[gomez_addams]

The one power that I have is that is doesn't know where I am, and I only communicate by email. I don't answer the phone or respond to texts.

So I can literally tune her out, put the phone in "do not disturb" mode, and go about my business. I can take a break from the drama and respond via email when I'm good and ready (and calm).

That makes things so much easier.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

She let me know via email that she'll continue to question me until I come clean. Forever.

Once she's back at her parents' place I'll look into remedies (changing phone number/email address) and prepare to use the legal system if she's harassing me.

At least she was considerate enough to not care if my non-existent lover is male or female. (Sarcasm... .The accusations that I'm gay, asexual, or addicted to Internet porn are in her standard repertoire).

Gomez

PS: edited to add -- her aunt messaged me to say, "I just want to say, I know there is always two sides to every story!". Don't think I've ever spoken to her aunt before, but she's on a friends list in social media. I can only imagine what generated that.

[Sunfl0wer]

I had a female friend with BPD.  She too was obsessed after her b/u of 10 yrs.  She felt like she HAD to find out he was cheating.  It HAD to be the only explaination for a guy leaving her.  Ya know, it couldn't be anything else about her that was undesirable... .so she HAD to build this narrative for herself.

Then as she starting dating... .

The guy HAD to be gay if he didn't want sex within the first few dates.  Because she HAD to be that desireable or he HAD to be gay.  It HAD to be about her self esteem always.  She couldn't consider that maybe it wasn't always about HER.  Maybe he just didn't want sex, and it had not a thing to do with her self esteem?  Even if I told her to consider... .  Maybe he is not gay... .What if he has ED?  What if he thinks socially that going slow will impress her?  What if... .?  That would sooth her for that moment, for that situation, but she could not apply the logic on her own without someone's help.

(She also obsessed when other coworkers didn't seem interested in being her friend)

Threatening you that she'll continue... .  Forever

Wow!

Just another bait... .(May or may not be the truth)

She is going nuts thinking she was left and wants relief for her esteem.  If she gets it... .then she likely will flip and smear you to "undo" all the damage she is doing to her sense of self worth right now.

[stove monkey]

GA,

I wouldn't worry about the "evidence" to much.

My stbx uBPDw has always warned about this mountain of evidence she has regarding me.

Once when she ended up going to jail for the night (years ago) my daughter found her envelope of "evidence".

It entailed some business cards from females she found in my work bag or car. She had then done some pretty impressive research on these women, stapled the cards to pages of printed info on them including photos from the internet. Pretty stalker-ish. The funny thing about it is uBPDw now knows way more about these women then I even have or will.

Surprised she didn't research any of the male business cards. There are a lot more of them.

[gomez_addams]

If it wasn't so stressful, it'd be darkly hilarious. She's begging and demanding I explain the contents of the ziplock bag.

I don't know what's in the ziplock bag. Seriously. She hasn't told me, and I haven't seen it.

Someone else mentioned if a pwBPD had any real evidence it would have been played -- poor impulse control; they don't hold true dirt close to the vest.

I'm just ignoring the bag and focusing on getting her car shipped. I'm a few initials and some signatures from getting approval for the 29th. That means she'll (hopefully) be leaving that same day, and the hard part will be over.

Gomez

[livednlearned]

I got a lot of the same kind of emptiness from N/BPDx.

"Soon everyone will know what you did."

"When you come clean, people will finally know who you really are."

"I know what you did, all of it."

"I'm going to tell everyone what you're really like."

And his favorite:

"You know exactly what you did."

Apparently he is writing a book that will tell everyone what I did. 

Raised his child pretty much alone? Felt guilty for enabling his alcohol abuse? Cleaned up his poop off the walls after he passed out after a bender? Tried to get us into marriage counseling?

I dunno. It's a crude protective and defensive coping mechanism based on feelings not facts. I spent so much time focused on his allegations it never occurred to me that maybe he was trying to distract me from his own potential affairs.

Hope you get those signatures, gomez.