I need some help

[BPDsiblingCA]

I remember reading about BPD in college and thinking, I might have this.  I asked my therapist and she said there was no way.  I recently had a sibling go to rehab for eating disorders.  This sibling and I have never gotten along, and I feel as though I have tried for years.  She always made me feel like she was better than me, whether  it was for  the clothes I wore, or friends I had.   From when we were little,  something was always off.  Our mother treated her like a princess and I was the one she just drove around and took to appointments.  Our father died tragically in 1996. He was the parent who I was closest to and  I was pretty depressed  and mad at the world when I was 15  and my mother sent me to boarding school, because she didn't want my little sister hurt by my actions.  I want to think there was a point where my sister was a nice little girl,  but I remember her always playing my mom against me, making me totally upset, and then me always getting in trouble... .

Fast forward 20 years... we are adults. I've had struggles some make me wonder if I have BPD as well, or if I am just surrounded with it that it is hard to distinguish.  Overall I am pretty put together, I graduated college, traveled a lot, have a few businesses. Great set of friends,  We always make it work, one way or another.    My sister has been sick with all kids of illnesses for years, some serious, some not serious, some... .well we just don't know.  It has gotten to a point where we don't know what is a lie, and what is truth when it comes to her.  She has basically convinced my parents that I am evil, mean, and always out to get her, when the truth is that I have made boundaries and don't tolerate her actions (while the rest of the family still puts up with them).  I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me, only to find out that I am probably the  only heart centered authentic person in our family.  I feel like my mother was raised by a woman with BPD, and her older sister has it as well.  My mother carries traits and has always been super co-dependent with my sister, because this is normal to her. 

It looks like I probably need a support group... .

Looking for some help here and would really appreciate any advice.

[GreenGlit]

Hi BPDsib,

Welcome to the forum. I'm fairly new to posting but have been reading other people's posts for a long time now - I hope you find this place as eye-opening as I have.

I wanted to respond to this because the way you describe the dynamics with your mom and sister really spoke to me. I can relate to having a sibling with a chaotic life who paints you black to the family, and somehow, despite feeling like her accusations are based on nothing real, she seems to convince everyone that YOU'RE the manipulative bully. Seems ironic considering her own manipulative and bullying behavior. I can also really relate to believing something must be wrong with you to be so different than other members of your immediate family. I spent years of my life in college trying to individuate from my uBPD mom and possibly uBPD sister and their unhealthy co-dependency, and spent a long time wondering what was wrong with me. I was always very different from other members of my immediate family and never liked the life my mom and sister chose to live. At some point I figured out that it was THEM, and not me or the rest of the world, that had something unhealthy going on.

Congratulations on setting your own boundaries with your sister. That is a critical step, even if it is met with anger and spite in return. Being aware of what makes you happy, and defending that, is a big step in your own independence and happiness. The bigger and more fulfilling your life gets, the easier it will be to clearly see how unhealthy those relationships are. I hope that your family will appreciate that you are trying to build a good life. My sister also has succeeded in painting me black to my parents, and while I know I may not regain the relationship I seem to have lost at the hands of my sister, I still defend my own independence and happiness. The life I choose to live and the stability I build around myself is not worth sacrificing for the inconsistent and seemingly conditional affections of my mom and sister.

I'm sorry about the loss of your father. I hope that you have found other people who support and love you in your life. While nothing can replace the loss of a loving parent, I hope you can appreciate that other people - friends or extended family - can celebrate your successes and will support the life you want to live.

I wish you luck. See you around

[P.F.Change]

Hi there, BPDsiblingCA! I want to add my welcome.

If you're looking for a support group, you are in the right place! My mother has BPD and almost everyone in my extended family has similar traits. I know what you mean about siblings being treated differently and everyone thinking those behaviors are normal.

It must have been so hard losing your dad at such a young age. It sounds like you felt a sense of stability from him. How are you taking care of yourself these days? How are you doing with your boundaries?

Over in the right-hand margin you will see our Survivor's Guide. It is a bit of a guide post through the recovery process, though the subsets are not necessarily completely linear. Do you see yourself along that anywhere? We also have a number of helpful resources under the LESSONS thread at the top of this board. I hope you'll feel free to take a look around, and let us know if you have any questions.

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you, and am glad you'very joined us!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[WhippingGirl]

Thank you for sharing your story.  In many ways I can relate to this as I am just now seeing that my own brother is likely an uBPD and I often think that there are some tendencies that my mother also possesses.  She and I have never had a good relationship as I was often required to bear the burden of her pain while my own emotional well being was often cast aside and disregarded.  Like you, I share the deepest bond with my father, although unlike you, I am fortunate to still have him in my life.  I am very sorry that you've had that loss.  Like you, I am the one who constantly to blame for the actions of my BPD sibling and have suffered for years in trying to understand what I have always done so wrong... .I am now realizing that it wasn't me all this time and that notion is both frightening and exhilarating all at once.

I am brand new to this forum and have just tapped the surface of these posts and have already learned so much.  I hope that we are both able to find some help and direction through others who have made to the "other side" and have reclaimed their lives, sanity and emotional well being after having dealt with a BPD for so long.

[Leaving]

Hi BPD,

First of all, I think your therapist is correct that you don't have BPD.  It's rare that anyone with a personality disorder actually think they need help.  It's always their ' victims' that seek the help!  Most of us who grew up with emotionally unavailable parents ended up feeling like we were in some way, defective and perhaps the cause of our own discomfort.  This is very typical.  That said, it's also common for children of borderline or narcissistic parents to have some of those characteristics even though they don't develop into full blown toxic disorders.

You've suffered so much loss and emotional abandonment which is so tough especially given how your mother was not a healthy parent to you.  The loss of a father, being sent away to school, can really magnify that emotional abandonment.

I think you're right that you are probably the most sensitive and authentic person in your family-  that's why you feel the hurt and confusion that you do.  I sometimes joke that there is always 'one'- that special one- in every dysfunctional family that sees through the deception and seeks the truth.  Unfortunately, we are not the popular one in the family for that reason and are often targeted as the scapegoat.  I'm the scapegoat in my family that I no longer have any contact with. 

There are no easy solutions because it's rare that everyone in a dysfunctional family will want to seek help and heal.  In some ways, as lonely and hurt as we may feel being the pariah in our families,  we're better off than those who are ill.  Plus, we're the stronger ones. 

[BPDsiblingCA]

First I want to  thank everyone for their responses.  After I posted this around fathers day, I went to the doctor to see if I was also borderline. ( I have traits... .but I'm not)  I have "abandonment issues", and a I will drink more than usual when I am upset... (usually around my family issues).  My husband is in recovery for drugs and alcohol, and says that I am not an addict... .just raised by addicts.  We have a son with special needs who is on the road to recovery from autism, but we are not quite there yet.   When I found out about BPD, I told my mom that I believe my little sister is BPD, she was visibly upset by this... .  I asked her to please bring this up with my sisters rehab facility... .  my mother didn't.   I am slowly starting to see my mother as the daughter of a complete NPD... .  and who carries serious traits if not full blown "undercover"  NPD  herself... .always playing the role of victim... scapegoating me to her new husband as the "mean child".    AND... .I think the straw came that finally broke the camels back.

A week before 4th of July my mom's husband called and asked if me and my autistic 4 year old, to make new plans for the 4th of July... .as my PTSD/bulimic(100% uBPD) sister was now out of rehab, and because her and I  don't get along... .once again she trumps the holiday.    My son is finally speaking and comprehending what we say... this is a miracle BTW... .he had no language until November, and it has been a really hard year, full of hardship, and miracles.  My parents were both not present for any of my own personal issues... .as they were constantly dealing with the drama of my younger and older sister... .   uBPD and BiPD... .   

Looking back ... .I went through really lonely hard years (15 years) and nobody was ever there for me... .  besides as benefactors... .   I have finally come to a point with my family and benefactor parents... .that Now... .I will just plain out ask for the money to help heal my son. Regardless if they ACT like they want to be apart of this or not... .(they wont)

   

After my dad's call about my our rescinded invitation... .I went a little BPD in my own actions... .which on one hand I feel really terrible about... .but on the other hand... .ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.   The fact that my son could actually express his feelings for the first time,  and cry because his Papa wasn't going to take him fishing... .  I  cried with my little boy ... .his pain hurt me and brought out a mama bear I have never seen in me.    THIS WAS 20+ YEARS OF ABUSE BY THIS "FAMILY"... .a family who I tired over and over to... to connect with... .to feel like I meant something to... .but I don't... .and I never will... .  My uBPD sister even tried to say my son doesn't have autism... .   

Meanwhile she has been sick with everything under the sun... .illness's that trumped the birth of my son... .and behaviors that have made my family always being influenced by her current "ailment"... .  or walking on egg shells... .


This small family s done... .    It is just me, my hubby, and our baby... .   

We will be just fine.   (as long as I can go NC)

I am so over all of the drama... .and at the same time still waiting for some MIRACLE To have a real family appear... .   

I have felt like the crazy one for years... .but I'm not... .I am the truth and justice seeker... .I am full of love for the wrong people... .I have been the victim for too long... .

[WhippingGirl]

It really sounds like you are have made great strides in realizing that you can not change your abusive family, but rather can only change yourself and your approach to this painful situation.  Please know that this is a huge step in this long road of self actualization and healing; take a moment to be kind to yourself and give yourself some credit fpr that.

It is scary to me how much of your story mirrors my own, and from reading it I take from it more proof that it is not only my brother who suffers from BPD, but likely my mother as well.  So, again, thank you for sharing; being brave enough to share your pain and confusion with this board has helped at least one person to see the proverbial light.