Travel, or Therapy?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have two children that I have sole custody over. They spend a month with my ex wife (BPD, five years out) during the summer and I have my month off.

Last year, I was going to buy a ticket to India, and just explore by myself for a month, but I had fallen in love with my now exBPDgf, and so I chose to spend the summer here, with her, in love.

Now she is happily off with her new love, and my kids are going to be gone. I will be alone here.

I was thinking that perhaps I should go on that trip I had planned for last year, but I fear that it will just make me sad. And even if it does not, I will still have to return here, and all the triggers will be around to remind me of her once again.

The other option is to start therapy. I am extremely sad, bordering on falling into depression.

Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.

[NonBPDEx]

I have two children that I have sole custody over. They spend a month with my ex wife (BPD, five years out) during the summer and I have my month off.

Last year, I was going to buy a ticket to India, and just explore by myself for a month, but I had fallen in love with my now exBPDgf, and so I chose to spend the summer here, with her, in love.

Now she is happily off with her new love, and my kids are going to be gone. I will be alone here.

I was thinking that perhaps I should go on that trip I had planned for last year, but I fear that it will just make me sad. And even if it does not, I will still have to return here, and all the triggers will be around to remind me of her once again.

The other option is to start therapy. I am extremely sad, bordering on falling into depression.

Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.

[fromheeltoheal]

Sometimes alone is a good thing, but it sounds like you're not in a place where it would be.  Travel is great in that it breaks your routine and gives you lots of stimulus, or at least distraction, and you never know what you'll see or whom you'll meet and the uncertainty can be invigorating, plus it may turn out to be life changing.

The trip to India will mean what you make it mean.  Some folks who are in an anger stage towards their ex take trips like that out of screw you, I'm going to have fun despite you, although it sounds like you'll tie it to the past, which could bring you down if that's what you make it mean.

So how about somewhere else?  If you're just going to sit around the house and mope anyway, the stimulus and distraction of travel to far away places could be great, and if you make it mean this is you taking control of your life and focusing on your future it might really help.  So what's the first destination that pops in your head?

[myself]

How about therapy this time and a trip next time? Help get yourself into a healthier state of mind so you could enjoy it more when you do go. Seeing a T really helped me process the continuing hows and whys of grieving.

As a part-time dad myself, it can be sad and too quiet when the kids aren't here for longer stretches of time (also nice to get a break). Besides travelling and therapy, what can you do to keep your mind off of being lonely, focusing on yourself in more positive ways? Hobbies, friends, etc?

[enlighten me]

Go. Experience something new. I did it. I went to turkey for two weeks and learnt to scuba dive.

It was amazing. The beauty of diving is you dont have time to think about your ex and no one can talk to you about them.

I see it as a positive post break up. One of the few good things that came out of my relationship.

[Panda39]

How about both?  Spend sometime at the therapist and go on a trip closer to home? Best of both worlds.   

[BorisAcusio]

I have two children that I have sole custody over. They spend a month with my ex wife (BPD, five years out) during the summer and I have my month off.

Last year, I was going to buy a ticket to India, and just explore by myself for a month, but I had fallen in love with my now exBPDgf, and so I chose to spend the summer here, with her, in love.

Now she is happily off with her new love, and my kids are going to be gone. I will be alone here.

I was thinking that perhaps I should go on that trip I had planned for last year, but I fear that it will just make me sad. And even if it does not, I will still have to return here, and all the triggers will be around to remind me of her once again.

The other option is to start therapy. I am extremely sad, bordering on falling into depression.

Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.

I'm not sure that you would fully enjoy your trip in this mental state. Wherever you go, you can't escape from yourself. I made a mistake with going overseas after my first traumatic breakup with a wonderful non PD woman, the lack of support network and the unfamiliarity of place pretty much broke me down, started to drink, got laid down from work and had to return to my home country after only 5 months.

That's only my experience, as you see, others managed to have a great time despite their recent breakup. Still, I would second Panda's advice. You would get much more out of this after a few months of introspection and distance.

[valet]

Do you think that traveling could be an opportunity to push yourself?

[NonBPDEx]

Thanks for all the great responses. I am still undecided. I was away when we split, and I felt OK. It was once I returned home and I realized she was really gone that everything really hit home for me. I can't go anywhere, even my home, without being reminded of her.

[cosmonaut]

I would also recommend using that money for therapy rather than travel.  I realize there is this myth that people will somehow find themselves by traveling.  Whatever changes may occur from a vacation are generally very shallow and disappear quickly upon return, however.   Real change takes work and it takes time.  It takes deeply analyzing out thoughts, values, and beliefs.  Many of these are hidden below the surface, and they are not easily seen.  It helps to have a guide who care help us in this journey, and that's where a good therapist comes in.

[fromheeltoheal]

I would also recommend using that money for therapy rather than travel.  I realize there is this myth that people will somehow find themselves by traveling.  Whatever changes may occur from a vacation are generally very shallow and disappear quickly upon return, however.   Real change takes work and it takes time.  It takes deeply analyzing out thoughts, values, and beliefs.  Many of these are hidden below the surface, and they are not easily seen.  It helps to have a guide who care help us in this journey, and that's where a good therapist comes in.

Yeah, that's true, and sometimes what's required is to break a cycle, a routine, and travel can absolutely do that.  Imagine this NonBPD: you go to Hawaii, you're sitting in a bar at the beach sipping on something tropical, there's a reggae band playing at sunset, a pretty girl with a bright smile and a new tan asks you what you're drinking, you respond by buying her one, and then decide you can see the sunset better by strolling along the beach at the waterline, and does she want to join you?  Imagine that, and specifically that you wouldn't be thinking about your ex or home at a time like that, and that could be the point.  Plus, things were usually way, way too heavy in our relationships, and lightening up and playing is good for the soul.  There will be plenty of opportunity to dig deep when you get back, but sometimes just breaking a pattern is a huge leap forward.

Aloha and mahalo!

[cosmonaut]

Yeah, that's true, and sometimes what's required is to break a cycle, a routine, and travel can absolutely do that.  Imagine this NonBPD: you go to Hawaii, you're sitting in a bar at the beach sipping on something tropical, there's a reggae band playing at sunset, a pretty girl with a bright smile and a new tan asks you what you're drinking, you respond by buying her one, and then decide you can see the sunset better by strolling along the beach at the waterline, and does she want to join you?  Imagine that, and specifically that you wouldn't be thinking about your ex or home at a time like that, and that could be the point.  Plus, things were usually way, way too heavy in our relationships, and lightening up and playing is good for the soul.  There will be plenty of opportunity to dig deep when you get back, but sometimes just breaking a pattern is a huge leap forward.

Aloha and mahalo!

I agree with you.  Sometimes a vacation is a great way to relax and recharge.  I would just be hesitant to use it as a replacement for therapy.  If one has to choose between the two, I'd recommend therapy every time.  Your point is spot on though.

[Forestaken]

I have two children that I have sole custody over. They spend a month with my ex wife (BPD, five years out) during the summer and I have my month off.

Last year, I was going to buy a ticket to India, and just explore by myself for a month, but I had fallen in love with my now exBPDgf, and so I chose to spend the summer here, with her, in love.

Now she is happily off with her new love, and my kids are going to be gone. I will be alone here.

I was thinking that perhaps I should go on that trip I had planned for last year, but I fear that it will just make me sad. And even if it does not, I will still have to return here, and all the triggers will be around to remind me of her once again.

The other option is to start therapy. I am extremely sad, bordering on falling into depression.

Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.

My T told me to take a trip by myself before I begin a new r/s.  I believe he wasn't listening to me.  I didn't do it for 2 years.  Finally in Feb, I traveled to Hawaii from the Mid-Atlantic by myself alone.

>>BEST DECISION EVER<<

What I learned about myself: I can do anything I want.  I am valuable, capable and worthy.