Think I need to leave my BPD relationship but don't know how

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been with my BPD wife since she was 17 and I was 19. We have been married for 12 years.

There have been huge ups and downs throughout the course of our relationship but I don't know if I can cope anymore.

When we met, her mother was dying in hospital from an inoperable brain tumour, died 3 weeks later, her dad had died 4 years before.

Despite this I was able to make her happy, laugh and see a future despite bouts of suicidal behaviours. I was always able to help her through these as she would never dream of hurting me, I couldn't make it all go away but I was able to convince her that things wouldn't always be like this.

Fast forward to today and the attitudes and emotions in our relationship have changed.

She has been through dialectical behaviour therapy with considerable success, we had a long spell of stability and we were both positive about our future.

Then she remembered other things from her childhood which destabilised her more and she felt it 'invalidated' all the benefits of her therapy. She has taken a dramatic step back. Her therapist has now retired, she was almost like a replacement mother to her, and she despite being sectioned, after my calling the police, has not had any further therapy.

Her emotional spells now are rather than marked by despair are angry and aggressive. I feel threatened and in danger for my own safety. When I try to remove myself from the situation I am often confronted with further threats and aggression. She insults me and won't have any meaningful conversation.

I have cut nooses from around her neck, wrestled tablets and knives out of her hand and sat and been forced to watch while she cuts herself and tells me it's all my fault. We keep medications in a locked box, have minimal knives left in the house and I hand out razors as she needs them rather than keeping them in the bathroom.

She is an incredibly intelligent and capable woman, she is successful in her career and I have huge pride and respect for her for what she has achieved.

Our situation is further complicated by 2 things

1, I suffer from me/cfs. I've improved considerably over the last 6/7 years but am still only 80% of what I was physically before. My wife helped me hugely and I've no idea where I would be without her.

2, we have a 2 nearly 3 year old daughter. I am a stay at home dad. This is a situation we had always agreed upon. My wife says she wouldn't be able to cope as a full time mother rather than work, I lost my career due to my illness and she earns plenty of money for us to survive on one salary. So it was really the only sensible option for us and it is working well.

My wife says I have changed, I'm sure she's right. She has too. I no longer feel that she loves me, or even likes me. She resents me not working and also not being physically able to do EVERYTHING around the house.

My wife sleeps a lot, lying in bed for lots of every weekend, always says she feels poorly, which I think is more depression than actual illness. We are both tired as our daughter has never slept very well. I get up with her in the night 99 times out of a hundred. Put her to bed nearly every night, apart from 5/6 times in the last 6 months and generally the first to react whenever our daughter needs something. I don't even mind this as I love looking after my daughter but in my darker moments I feel taken advantage of and unappreciated.

I feel physically and emotionally drained. I don't see how our relationship has a future which makes me feel terrible as I never imagined that before the last year.

But I can't leave without my daughter and know my wife would never let me leave with her, would throw accusations, insults and threats at us both before letting that happen. She has already told me that there's no way I would get custody, that I could then see my daughter when I was able to pay for half of everything and that I'd have nothing without her.

I don't believe my wife would ever hurt our daughter but she has threatened to before. She has threatened to kill all of us at one time or another.

The mental health teams don't seem to care, my wife is getting worse and I feel trapped. I'd love to help her and everything to get better but I don't see how it will. I no longer think my wife loves me, but I don't think she will let me go either.

Sorry for a long post that jumps about a bit but it's hard to get it all right. I know I'm not a perfect husband and I've made mistakes but I'm an excellent father for our daughter and I don't think I deserve to be treated like this anymore but don't know what to do.

Any advice from anybody from what is a very oversimplified and abbreviated version of our life together?

Thanks

[Ec11jk]

I've been with my BPD wife since she was 17 and I was 19. We have been married for 12 years.

There have been huge ups and downs throughout the course of our relationship but I don't know if I can cope anymore.

When we met, her mother was dying in hospital from an inoperable brain tumour, died 3 weeks later, her dad had died 4 years before.

Despite this I was able to make her happy, laugh and see a future despite bouts of suicidal behaviours. I was always able to help her through these as she would never dream of hurting me, I couldn't make it all go away but I was able to convince her that things wouldn't always be like this.

Fast forward to today and the attitudes and emotions in our relationship have changed.

She has been through dialectical behaviour therapy with considerable success, we had a long spell of stability and we were both positive about our future.

Then she remembered other things from her childhood which destabilised her more and she felt it 'invalidated' all the benefits of her therapy. She has taken a dramatic step back. Her therapist has now retired, she was almost like a replacement mother to her, and she despite being sectioned, after my calling the police, has not had any further therapy.

Her emotional spells now are rather than marked by despair are angry and aggressive. I feel threatened and in danger for my own safety. When I try to remove myself from the situation I am often confronted with further threats and aggression. She insults me and won't have any meaningful conversation.

I have cut nooses from around her neck, wrestled tablets and knives out of her hand and sat and been forced to watch while she cuts herself and tells me it's all my fault. We keep medications in a locked box, have minimal knives left in the house and I hand out razors as she needs them rather than keeping them in the bathroom.

She is an incredibly intelligent and capable woman, she is successful in her career and I have huge pride and respect for her for what she has achieved.

Our situation is further complicated by 2 things

1, I suffer from me/cfs. I've improved considerably over the last 6/7 years but am still only 80% of what I was physically before. My wife helped me hugely and I've no idea where I would be without her.

2, we have a 2 nearly 3 year old daughter. I am a stay at home dad. This is a situation we had always agreed upon. My wife says she wouldn't be able to cope as a full time mother rather than work, I lost my career due to my illness and she earns plenty of money for us to survive on one salary. So it was really the only sensible option for us and it is working well.

My wife says I have changed, I'm sure she's right. She has too. I no longer feel that she loves me, or even likes me. She resents me not working and also not being physically able to do EVERYTHING around the house.

My wife sleeps a lot, lying in bed for lots of every weekend, always says she feels poorly, which I think is more depression than actual illness. We are both tired as our daughter has never slept very well. I get up with her in the night 99 times out of a hundred. Put her to bed nearly every night, apart from 5/6 times in the last 6 months and generally the first to react whenever our daughter needs something. I don't even mind this as I love looking after my daughter but in my darker moments I feel taken advantage of and unappreciated.

I feel physically and emotionally drained. I don't see how our relationship has a future which makes me feel terrible as I never imagined that before the last year.

But I can't leave without my daughter and know my wife would never let me leave with her, would throw accusations, insults and threats at us both before letting that happen. She has already told me that there's no way I would get custody, that I could then see my daughter when I was able to pay for half of everything and that I'd have nothing without her.

I don't believe my wife would ever hurt our daughter but she has threatened to before. She has threatened to kill all of us at one time or another.

The mental health teams don't seem to care, my wife is getting worse and I feel trapped. I'd love to help her and everything to get better but I don't see how it will. I no longer think my wife loves me, but I don't think she will let me go either.

Sorry for a long post that jumps about a bit but it's hard to get it all right. I know I'm not a perfect husband and I've made mistakes but I'm an excellent father for our daughter and I don't think I deserve to be treated like this anymore but don't know what to do.

Any advice from anybody from what is a very oversimplified and abbreviated version of our life together?

Thanks

[Surg_Bear]

Wow.  Thanks for sharing your story.

You forgot to mention that you are also an excellent husband (not just an excellent father).

The abuse you describe in your story is really inhumane and you are a hero for surviving it and providing so much care for your family. 

What is me/cfs?

I just wanted to say one thing about protecting yourself- you said something to the effect of, "I feel threatened and in danger for my own safety. When I try to remove myself from the situation, I am confronted with further threats and aggression"

I would submit that you are not "removing yourself from the situation" if she can get to you, threaten to harm you, herself, or your kid.  You are not removed at all.

If you are truly fearful of her rage, take you daughter and get out of the house- go to a friend's house and call the police.  if she is that much of a danger, you are a sitting duck.  Stay away for more than a few hours- stay away for a few weeks, months, years, if necessary.  She needs to hear that a safety boundary must never be crossed.

You gave up your career and are living off of her income- that does not mean you have nothing.  You have a right to half of her income if you leave.  If there is documentation for the need for hiding razors and knives in the house from a mental health professional, then no court would EVER give her unmonitored custody of a child.

You have way more going for you than you realize.  You need to find help / solace by calling a Domestic Abuse Hotline and getting help.  Please, call today.  For your own sake.  For your daughter's life.  Get yourself help.

Please... .

Love,

Surg_Bear

[Aussie0zborn]

I understand your dilemma. Why don't you just do what women do?

1. A quick phone call to the police claiming abuse would get the other partner thrown out of the house and a restraining order issued. Use your Iphone to record her rages and threats - it will help in this process or it will protect you if she calls the police first and they come to the house and arrest you. It doesn't sound like you're too far away from that stage. While an unauthorised sound recording may not be admissible in court, even a dumb cop not accustomed to seeing the woman as the abuser will see that the accusations against you are false. It has saved others here.

2. As the primary care giver, you could very well get sole custody of the child. Don't think that this doesn't count for anything and don't make the mistake of throwing this in her face right now as she could very well quit her job and have you out on the street even before you know it. You are in a very strong position here - don't underestimate it.

3. Claim child support and spousal maintenance.

If women can do it, you can do it too. What makes her think you can't do it and what makes you think you don't have the upper hand in a custody application?

It's great that you have forced knives out of her hands and removed nooses from her neck but can you prove any of this? And when you raise these topics are you prepared to hear that you placed that noose around her neck and threatened to kill her and your child? What have you done to protect yourself from all these possibilities?

If you're sure this marriage is over and you are ready to take control of your life and your child's, please consider recording her rages and threats, getting legal advice and following it with a view to getting her out of the house. You will need nerves of steel and a rock solid determination. If your ever in doubt about what you are doing, look into your innocent child's eyes. That little sole is relying on you. Good luck.

[Lucky Jim]

I have cut nooses from around her neck, wrestled tablets and knives out of her hand and sat and been forced to watch while she cuts herself and tells me it's all my fault.

Hey Ec11jk, I'm sorry to hear what you have been through.  Sad to say, I had many similar experiences w/my BPDxW when she had pills in hand, knife at her throat, razor blade at her wrist, etc.  It's serious stuff, I know, and scary.  This may sound callus, but 99% of the time its sheer manipulation in order to get your attention.  Consider: If she really intended to take her life, she wouldn't be doing it in front of you.  I should know, because I had an Aunt who succeeded.  Took a day or two to find her . . .

To answer your question, there is no good time to leave a marriage and no good way to do it.  At some point, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will know that it's time to throw in the towel.  In the meantime, try to take care of yourself and do what you need to do to protect yourself.  Call the Police or call a Suicide Hotline, if you need to.

LuckyJim

[cloudten]

Not only is wrestling knives out of her hands, or watching her cut herself disturbing, the fact she says "this is because of you" is absolutely psychological abuse.

#1 thing is that you are taking care of yourself and your child. Please see a therapist if you aren't... .a good therapist will give you more personal insight and advice. And regardless of whether you stay or leave, you are being psychologically abused... .and you need help.  Help yourself ASAP.

#2- i don't think you can help her. you are not her savior. i know you want to as a loving husband... .but you alone cannot make her happy or save her... .that is her responsibility not yours.

#3- absolutely do what you need to do to protect your daughter. recording the rages is not something i have done- but I think I will start doing that.

One thought I have on the murder threats... .I have also experienced the same thing. It's usually when he has not gotten enough sleep. His T also thinks its the same thing. Maybe she does need more sleep.  Maybe give her a whole weekend in bed if that's what she wants. When my bf gets more sleep, he hasn't threatened me. just a thought.

But it sounds like your situation is very very serious. Please take it serious. I agree, i think you have a very strong position to be in with regards to financial assistance and custody. You may feel like you are at a disadvantage because of your own medical conditions, but you have a strong leg to stand on. I would start recording things, keep a journal, take video if you need to, call the police if you need to. Leave if you think you should. follow your intuition- it is fight or flight and you should listen to it. Only you know what is best for you and your daughter.