Making progress with Love, Structure and Consistency

[mindwise]

This is a positive post about my relationship with my BPDgf and how we are making progress.

As I keep working on myself I see how I can lead my life into a healthier place. This also improves the way I interact with my partner.

Our relationship does have the ups and downs with push-pull dynamics, etc, but we are making progress with love, structure and consistency.

Love is very present, we say it often, we show it with affection, support, intimacy, etc.

Structure is necessary and it is articulated through boundaries and clearly communicating the "deal breakers".

Consistency is a commitment to what works best for both of us.

When you start taking care of yourself and act from a healthier place you become true to your goals and values. You also become a better partner. Loving and understanding. Strong and pro-active.

Sometimes your BPD loved one needs to know that you will walk away and never look back. But it needs to come from a place of love and confidence:

"Hey I love you very much. Why are you doing this? I feel disrespected because we had agreed to be in a monogamous relationship and I won't tolerate this new situation going further. It makes me feel miserable and I won't settle for a miserable life. I know you don't want to see me suffer but if you don't quit this behavior immediately I will be forced to leave this relationship and never look back. I will go NC until this situation is resolved. I love you, I love you, I love you, goodbye."

When I make this kind of statements I'm completely prepared to exit the relationship forever and she knows I'm not kidding. It's called love without attachments.

So this happened this weekend and I blocked her phone and went NC. This morning she was freaking out looking for me everywhere. We met and had a talk. I communicated once again my boundaries, my deal breakers and the consequences if she walks through them. She agreed and had already taken corrective measures. Then she couldn't stop hugging and kissing me. I insisted that both of us should commit to continue working on ourselves. She concurred.

Then she asked if I would unblock her phone, and I said:

"No. I need to see more progress first. Actions speak louder than words. Call me tomorrow from the office and we'll take it from there. Do you see what I have to do to make you understand this weekend's behavior is absolutely not OK? I love you." She smiled like a little girl and nodded. I could read on her face "I get it, thank you".

So what I'm sharing here might only apply to my relationship or perhaps others have been already in the same situation or it could be inspiring for those who have a hard time setting boundaries or deal breakers and sticking to them. It is very important to take care of yourself first. Don't settle in unhealthy dynamics. If your BPD loved one is emotionally unstable then you need to be strong, loving and consistent. You have to be in that place. Learn to set the tone with confidence and lead when your partner is insecure. Respect and understand their condition and allow them to have their space when they need it. Be patient and enjoy the good times because those are amazing but always stay centered, don't lose yourself in the fantasy. Stay awake. 

Others who might want to make a positive comment on making progress with their BPD loved one, please chime in

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