Will he come back again or are we done for good?

[Cherylxxx]

So me and my ex bf have/had been together for a year and a half+ most of our arguments are because at the start of the relationship I lied to him not about anything major something to me isn't that bad but it's the deception as he says! So I've been accused of talking to someone cheating and other things... .I have to say I understand and we normally sort things out quite quick it's never been a violent relationship, anyway about 2/3 months ago we had an argument which im not even sure what it was over nothing major, he came back after just over 2 weeks saying how much he loved me and wanted to make it work that he missed me and so on. So we got back and after a few days I went to his house we had a great night best in a long time , he woke up however in a bad mood so I left he managed to cause an argument and we never spoke for about 4 weeks I messaged him and he told me never to contact him again so I waited a good while and messaged him again and he told me basically I never had a chance of getting him back he updated his twitter status everyday with loads of tweets nothing in particular and started following a few girls, however the past few days he's not uploaded anything except a tweet today saying "why are all my attractions fatal" do you think he's missing me? It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm wondering do you think he will message me to say happy birthday or not? Please help me

[JRT]

Although the best predictor of the future is usually the past, it is very difficult to use axiom to determine when, where and how he will reach out. Usually pwBPD to circle back. As a matter of fact, the have a very difficult time detaching fully which can sometimes cause some some highly annoying behavior as they attempt to reconnect. Mine disappeared 9 months ago and I have not yet heard from her.

pwBPD feel pushed if you attempt to reach out so if you wish to maintain or salvage a relationship with him, its best that you not contact him as difficult and painful as it may be. If you are still able to contact him, it might be a good idea to consider letting him know that you are giving him space. This will circumvent any feeling of abandonment that may be associated with you not contacting him. This 'do nothing' approach may seem like not an approach at all but its about the only card that nons have to play when working through problems associated with this type of situation, I am very sorry that you have to go through this.

There are many folks on here that will provide you with support and TONS of information that will help you to learn about BPD and what others have done to help cope with relationships and problems that are not unlike yours.

[Cherylxxx]

Thank you so much! when I reached out last he hated me so much it felt, I in the heat of the moment brought up that he was following other girls but when I tried to go on to his Twitter it was private, then not even a day later it was open again!has he opened it so I can go on and look at his Twitter?  You say you haven't heard from your ex in 9month are you at a stage where you feel relieved she's staying away? Are you expecting her to come back? Every time we argue I could turn it around and make us ok but this time he seems even more stubborn, and just doesn't want me, I do love him more than anything and I do know he loves me just doesn't trust 100%!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Cherylxxx,

I would like to join JRT and welcome you.  

I am sorry that you are going through this. I understand how painful it is coping with absolutely confusing and ambivalent behavior.  

Push-pull behavior is common amongst people with BPD (pwBPD). PwBPD have fears of engulfment. When a pwBPD is feeling engulfed, they feel that their self or identity is going to be swallowed up or devoured by their partner. Essentially, it is a fear they will lose their sense of self in their partner and not feel autonomous. When this happens a pwBPD will distance themselves and avoid their partner.  Many times a pwBPD will react in with anger and view the partner as controlling or demanding and will "push" the partner away. Paradoxically, once a pwBPD pushes the partner away too far, their abandonment fears get triggered. As much a pwBPD fear engulfment, because of losing themselves in the other partner, their "sense of self" is attached to their partner.   PwBPD can become clingy, desperate, or needy in fear of losing their sense of self. Ultimately, pwBPD will "pull" the partner closer.  Similar to fears of engulfment, perceived or real abandonment may result in a pwBPD being punitive or angry towards their partner.

Why do you think it is different this time around than before, why is he more stubborn? 

[JRT]

Thank you so much! when I reached out last he hated me so much it felt I think that Eagless JuJU's remark really does much better than I can do to explain what is happening under the hood here, I in the heat of the moment brought up that he was following other girls but when I tried to go on to his Twitter it was private, then not even a day later it was open again!has he opened it so I can go on and look at his Twitter? that may be the case, its very difficult to say. you know him best so you might want to follow your instincts. It MAY be a sign to you.   You say you haven't heard from your ex in 9month are you at a stage where you feel relieved she's staying away? My specific case is slightly different than the usual BPD's on here so take it with a grain of salt (my exBPDfiance and I had a relatively trouble free relationship. Most other cases involve various levels of arguing, raging, cheating. lies and other forms of acting out)  Are you expecting her to come back? Something tells me yes and other evidence indicates no. Its actually a bit upsetting to me since the end is unclear. I am actually contemplating contacting her so that I can force the hand and put it to rest if need be. In my heart of hearts, I wish that it had never happened and was still with her. You might think differently... .many people her do. Every time we argue I could turn it around and make us ok but this time he seems even more stubborn, and just doesn't want me, I do love him more than anything and I do know he loves me just doesn't trust 100%! Not sure if he is mistaking the word trust for an inability to love like people who do not have BPD, but that's just a guess on my part. As you learn more about the disorder, you may come across someone explaining BPD's as 'not being able to love' or that they 'love like a child loves'. Its a love that is based on need as opposed to the more complex reality that comprises a mature and normal love. I know this sounds a bit nebulous... .

If you are still able to communicate, do you think that it would be a good idea to send him a quick text (based on Eagle Juju's explanation) and just let him know that you are giving him his space? I think that this would help to assuage any possible fears of abandonment and help him to figure things out.

[momtara]

my ex used to bring up all sorts of little white lies and use that as an excuse to be emotionally and verbally abusive. later I realized he was doing that to cover up his own real and hurtful lies. for instance, he said I lied about my brother. when we were dating I downplayed that my brother was mentally ill. it's not what you tell someone in initial dating. my ex kept saying I *lied* about it. actually, turns out EX was mentally ill (BPD, bipolar etc) and that's why he wanted to change the focus. most of what they accuse you of is projection of their own lies.