Black and white thinking - appears I am back on the other side again ... help

[WhereToBegin]

My exBPDbf left me about 10 weeks ago.  Immediately went to my replacement (who was certainly lined up prior - his pattern), who he is still currently with.  It was our 4th major break-up in 5 years.  We had just bought a new home and he was on the cusp of finishing graduate school.  The cycle is starting back up again, as I have got 2 emails in the past 2 days thanking me for being "perfect to him."  Black and white thinking - but I guess maybe I am "all good" again ... .been all bad (controlling, etc.) since several weeks prior to the break-up.  Any thoughts on how to respond?

[FannyB]

My exBPDbf left me about 10 weeks ago.  Immediately went to my replacement (who was certainly lined up prior - his pattern), who he is still currently with.  It was our 4th major break-up in 5 years.  We had just bought a new home and he was on the cusp of finishing graduate school.  The cycle is starting back up again, as I have got 2 emails in the past 2 days thanking me for being "perfect to him."  Black and white thinking - but I guess maybe I am "all good" again ... .been all bad (controlling, etc.) since several weeks prior to the break-up.  Any thoughts on how to respond?

Hi WheretoBegin

Are you looking to completely detach from him - or wanting a 5th recycle? The answer to that question will shape your response to him

Fanny

[rotiroti]

I agree with what FannyB said, it really depends on what you want to happen. Seeing as you are posting here on "Leaving." I know what I would do. No contact and continue moving on with life.

How did your life feel after he left last time?

Do you want to repeat the cycle?

It helps me to re-visit posts or read my 324098 page long journal entry about the negative aspects of my BPDex

Either way you choose, stay strong!

[Herodias]

Mine did the same thing... .My Husband of 8 years and I have had lots of issues and two big breaks before this separation. He was texting me all of these wonderful things he thought I would want to hear. Not sure if half are true... .but all while he is with someone else that I didn't know about until a month ago. We separated in Jan. She was lined up in Feb. I believe. They even went on a trip together. I would be grateful you are the good one again and leave him be. Mine seems to be becoming unhappy with this lunatic he is with pretty fast. I am heartbroken, but it is better to get out... .As much as I don't want to deal with the  starting over and tried to learn all I could about this, I don't see a happy ending.  Seriously, you have to have boundaries and you need to decide what they are. I cannot deal with cheating. I found him in my bed with another woman on Xmas! This one is a recycled previous one that he is dating now- not even the xmas bed woman! I think he thinks he can come back when he wants- when we are not fighting anymore- but, we must be strong... .I would leave him be. That would be my advice, unless you want to do years of this only to get into the same situation since they get worse with age. I read it would take 7 years of therapy for them to be "better" than they are now. You decide how much agony you are willing to take. I haven't heard of many good outcomes... .unfortunately.

[Herodias]

We also just bought a new home 2 years before and were on top of the world. My NAMI group said it could be too much stress for him to have too many responsibilities... .He also moved up in his career and now is struggling with that! He seemed happiest when he was in the mental hospital coloring in books- seriously. No responsibilities. NAMI says you have to lower your expectations... .

National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. (NAMI)

[WhereToBegin]

Thank you all! I find myself visiting this site just to keep my head on track ... .and I try and read exclusively on the "leaving" page.  You are all right. 

The nice thing is, I can see it happening so much more clearly this time.  I almost knew this was coming, or at least, I expected it.  He apologizes ("I have been miserable" and then paints me "all good" and ... .blah blah blah.  Apparently it took 4 times to learn.  But I don't want to continue down this toxic cycle ... to go through this again. 

He has a really important thing coming up in my life in the next month or so, and despite everything he has put me through, it is still hard for me to create any chaos and stress in his world (i.e. by not responding to his email)?  How stupid do I sound?  Ha, I didn't create it - he left me and our home and our life - he created the stress and chaos.  And I realize his reaction to not getting a response from me is completely different from what my response would be.  Oh this disease is so evil and cruel.   

Ah, I might be learning after all ... .

[FannyB]

It is tough when you love someone and they seem hellbent on sabotaging that love. 

I took a look at your previous posts.  Don't know if you want kids but there's a danger you could find yourself 'timed out' if you stay in this relationship too much longer.

There's still plenty of time to find someone more worthy of your affections if you can make the break now.

Fanny

[WhereToBegin]

FannyB,

You are so right.  I went back and read old posts too after the most recent b/u.  It is scary how I knew what I was getting into, but I kept moving forward anyway.  All the signs were there, and my gut knew all along - but I naively believed that we could "love" our way through this.  I am struggling the most with forgiving myself for not following my gut ... .and yes, wasting 5 really important years on a r/s that was doomed from the start.

And while I know we have no chance whatsoever, I am still struggling day to day.  I have been very depressed since the last b/u, and it is starting to affect my otherwise very successful career.  Each day is a bit easier, but the real strength will be needed as he continues to apologize and tell me how perfect I am.  He acknowledges he has been "miserable."  It is so odd, it is like he knows what he has been doing - which gives some false sense of hope that he will improve, but I have heard it all before.  There really isn't anything (and I mean anything) that he could say or do that he hasn't said in the past to convince me to come back. 

I just feel like I need to mourn him like he died.  Because he did die - the man I thought I was in love with, still am in love with - he is dead and honestly didn't really exist in the first place anyway.  I need to come to terms with the realization that I can miss him, and at the same time, still stand firm and not let myself get on this toxic roller coaster again. 

Just taking things days by day ... .more like hour by hour.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[FannyB]

I just feel like I need to mourn him like he died.  Because he did die - the man I thought I was in love with, still am in love with - he is dead and honestly didn't really exist in the first place anyway.  I need to come to terms with the realization that I can miss him, and at the same time, still stand firm and not let myself get on this toxic roller coaster again.

WTB

This is so true - and all of us who have exited have been here. Our head knows all this, but sometimes our hearts stubbornly refuse 'to play ball'!    It's weird to think that the disorder created your 'perfect partner' - as well as the train wreck of a man who has been dominating your life these past few years.

But onwards and upwards. Keep posting, keep reading and take it one day at a time. There are no happy endings here otherwise - unless Groundhog Day is your favourite movie! 

Stay strong!

Fanny

[Mike-X]

WhereToBegin,

I am sorry for what you have been struggling with here. I am currently low-contact with my ex uBPDgf, and I also sometimes struggle with thinking through how to word responses.

After reading though your posts in this thread, there were a couple of questions that came to mind.

You mention him apologizing.

He apologizes ("I have been miserable"

However, is this an authentic apology? Maybe there have been other clearer apologies that you have received?

Can you elaborate on what you are struggling with in terms of "how to respond"?

[WhereToBegin]

Mike-X ,

Thank you for your response.  He did apologize, sort of.  He said something like, "thank you for being so perfect to me when I am being so miserable to you."  He also apologized several weeks ago.  It isn't that I don't think his apologizes are authentic, but they are only authentic as he can offer ... .if that makes sense.  And he apologizes for the same thing over and over, and has for years - so it is hard to internalize them in the same way.  Mind you - he still has a new girlfriend. 

Also, he "apologies" are part of the cycle.  He apologizes (usually while still in relationship with replacement), calls himself miserable/evil/awful, etc., I say "no you aren't," then he tells me how great I am and how much the replacement made him appreciate and love me more, I forget the awful cycle, and we are back at it again ... .together for a year or two ... .and the same exact thing (even in the same month) happens again.  He past two times he says he needs the break to "find himself" and "be his own man."  Mind you, he had my replacement lined up before each of the past three break-ups.  I guess he "finds himself" by getting in another r/s.  Sigh ... .so ridiculous as I see it in writing.

My struggle with a response is that I think it is a pull back into the cycle:  me telling him he isn't miserable, and pointing out that I am not perfect.  Then a little time will pass ... .and he will make subtle attempts to check in on me.  Today it was about whether mail was delivered to our (now, my) house and about what is going on in my day.

I would like to be low contact and remain friends, but I realize that is just too dangerous for me.  I still love him.  Stupidly ... .still love him very much.  And as FannyB helped point out, my heart is still catching up to my head. 

[Mike-X]

Thanks for the reply. I see what you mean with the apologies and how they could be part of a cycle. With respect to a response, how about a non-engaging response (e.g., a simple, polite 'thanks'?

[WhereToBegin]

Mike X,

That is exactly what I did.  I texted back, "You are welcome."  The text ended with "thank you for being so perfect to me" - so it seemed like a simple response.  I wish i could report that I didn't reply. but that isn't the truth.  And the response seemed to validate his black and white thinking (he keeps using the word "perfect" lately), but anything else seemed to just re-engage too much.

He texted me yesterday and asked me to call him about something "to talk."  I did.  He says he needed advice about his family.  We talked for an hour or so.  Again, part of the cycle ... .last time we got back together he also had a crisis that I helped him work through.  But this time was different, I didn't believe anything he said and hearing him "process" through the situation made me realize how warped his perception is.  And in the past I would have offered some insane level of support.  But not this time, I just listened and offered a few words of encouragement.  In some ways, I feel great - it is good to interact and not have any romantic or intimate feelings towards him.  But I am not so naive as to assume they won't surface.  My guard is up and will stay up - I cannot let myself go down this path again. 

But I also feel guilty.  Like I am riding the coaster just a hair so as to feel back in control (which I oddly do), but that I am going to trigger and upset him down the road.  It is hard to feel bad for him after what he has done to me, but then again, I certainly don't want to contribute to anything. 

I know NC is the answer, I am just not there yet. 

[Mike-X]

My interactions with my uBPDgf have been similar. I have tried to remain cordial and supportive but non-engaging. It has gotten me thinking about how much I might have been guiding the interactions early on and while we lived together - providing material for mirroring, etc. It seems like a good idea to just sit back, listen, and observe every so often in relationships.

[willemina]

I have only been on here for 2 days! wow, have I learned a lot, and I actually feel better in some ways and not better in other ways.I feel better because I see I am not the only one who has been at the other end of a relationship with a BPD, and I see so many similarities in your stories as to what happened in mine.

I feel fortunate because he helped me and he does not even know it. He himself said "everything is back or white" and I said life has great areas and he said "NO, not true!" well, many people don't get to hear that straight outta the horses mouth like I did.

He left me after being together for a year and a half all of the sudden BOOM he is gone. No reply to my text, no reply to my email and lastly no reply to a letter I sent in the mail (I'm sure he received by now) You want and need closure from them and they WILL NOT give it to you.

I went to say goodbye to his mom and dad recently and his dad said we are a good couple and he'd talk to him. Well, of course that blew up in my face because with a BPD, everything you do 'out of loving someone' IS WRONG! He was pretty angry with me and I told him that I had told his parents I loved him, and wanted to be married. Well, he screamed at me that I was the problem and if he needed a year away from me, then I can move on or if he finds me alone, then so be it. This is terribly frustrating, that is how I feel. But this is interesting too, while I was not frustrated much during our relationship, he was very frustrated but it was about things he KNOWS I can't really help, and example is : I am hard of hearing, so he would say something and simply asking him to repeat would send him in a fit of anger, or having my son with us all the time because his dad is not around, and my bf's kids come twice a month he says he can't stand that, and yet he does say my son is a great kid and he really likes him and he said he would never like someone else's kid, but he likes mine, even with all that he would have fits of anger, but my son has no where to go, and that was not my fault!

I work 8-5, from home. He would have fits of anger if I would work tip 5 and not shut down completely from work to give all my attention to him. I would get a phone call or be on my computer and he would get soo pissed. What in the heck is that bull?

This website has been so helpful to me, because I believe percentage wise 90% he is coming back to me, so there is also a small chance he won't, but I have learned so much and WE NEED CLOSURE they do not give us, so this website and all of your posts have helped me and saved me (for now) money on therapy I can't afford. I want to feel peace and joy everyday. Its hard so hard, because we had a great life and a busy life and laughed a lot with the kids and between us. It was so fun and I regret I barely took any pictures, I love taking pictures for our memories. Time passes so fast. I miss him, I am praying for him. He has so many wonderful qualities.

You all are the best, I'm glad you are here. I hope even I can help someone here, like I have been helped