"Frontin'" on Facebook... is your ex really good at it?

[lipstick]

My ex is a Jedi Master at "frontin'" when it comes to Facebook. I haven't looked at his page in quite some time (and don't intend to) - but what I used to see was total baloney. Do our exes really believe the stuff that they post?

I've seen behind the curtain and know what his inner world is really like. His facade of a marriage. Dysfunctional children. Alcoholism. Violence. And most recently? My aunt ran into the ex when she was out shopping. Said the ex could barely walk. Was kind of stooped over and "hobbling along like a decrepit old man".  My aunt isn't prone to exaggeration, either. She said it stopped her dead in her tracks. She could only stand there and stare as he went by. I guess the neuropathy is taking a toll (karma?).

But you would never guess ANY of this by his posts. It's all "love, light, laughter & forgiveness". Funny - for someone who claims to now be soo Christian - I've never received a decent apology of any kind.

Do they have to keep up this false front at all costs? This fake happiness? It's possible that my ex truly is happy - but the man I knew always had an undercurrent of sadness & anger no matter what. And I saw a recent photo of his spouse, her father & sister. Yeah - the woman didn't look very happy to me. No smile and no light in the eyes.

So what do y'all think? Smoke and mirrors? Or do they really believe what they post is truth?

[enlighten me]

I think that its to do with what they want others to believe and trying to convince themselves it is true. The same way they camt admit theyre wrong because then they could be wrong about everything and this would break them

.

[greenmonkey]

mine used to like everyone to think she was mother of the year, her life was wonderful and she was the most amazing person on earth. As long as her 'friends' on Facebook said how wonderful she was, and liked the pictures she put up it made her feel good.

I was apparently her partner of 3 years, and we lived together but I was not allowed to be her 'friend' on Facebook - the reason being she told me towards the end was that she did not want people to know what she was really like, the true her - which sums it up in my mind.

It is a fantasy world, a world that is not the true reality of life as it really is - the online persona is something totally different to what I experienced in real life.

[SummerStorm]

Yes, she is.  She never posts messages, only pictures.  All of her pictures are of her and her boyfriend.  One of her exes still has pictures of her, simply because he just never bothered to delete all posts, but she has completely wiped out any evidence on her page of ex-boyfriends, her ex-girlfriend, and ex-friends.  She joined Facebook in 2007, but her pictures only go back to 2013, and up until last November, they only include her.  I rarely go on Facebook, but I know enough about it to know that it isn't typical for someone to only post selfies.  In fact, I stay away from it because, at my age, I have friends who are married and have kids and mostly post family vacation photos and other things I really don't care about.

About a week ago, she posted this "happy" picture of her and her boyfriend.  A few days before that, she texted me another picture of them and told me that they were cooking and having a great time.  The next day, she told me that she was playing croquet, and that they had spent the morning kayaking.  Interestingly enough, neither she nor or her boyfriend posted anything about this, and he had sent me a text message that morning, when they were supposedly kayaking.  She is also someone who never goes outside and does anything, so I found it odd that she would suddenly be kayaking.   

A few days after she posted the new picture to Facebook, he posted the picture that she had sent me and made it his profile picture.  This was the first time he changed his picture since about March, and wouldn't you know that the picture is of her kissing him on the cheek.  The picture had been taken with her phone, so I'm sure she sent it to him and told him to post it. 

The day he posted the picture, she decided to completely cut me out of her life.  I texted him about it, and he was shocked.  Two days later, he admitted that she has been annoyed with everyone lately, including him because he keeps telling her to get a job and help pay the rent.  But if you look on Facebook, they are the happiest couple alive. 

Before this, they had both periodically posted pictures of them together, she more than him.  He posted one in February, one in March, and one in May.  But now, she is suddenly taking all kinds of pictures with him, texting them to me, and posting them.   

[Herodias]

Actually my styx is not posting anything! His GF is doing all the posting and tagging while in the love-bombing stage! It's so ridiculous-she should be embarrassed. None of his family or friends are commenting at all! The last pic showed me everything I need to know- lying on her couch with her dog, a beer in his hand, ignoring her (didn't even pose for the pic) watching what HE wants on tv I'm sure  and a scowl on his face! He is not happy- never will be! I've blocked all the nonsense now. She posted he should get an award for cutting her grass---WOW! I's so stupid! I hope he is getting bored with her. At least we never sat around on the couch watching tv in the first year of our relationship- Out having too much fun! He basically replaced the last couple years of us- with them! She stated to her friends that she has known him a long time and this relationship is on Gods timing. Well, I don't think cheating on your husband with a married man and breaking up two marriages then getting together has anything to do with God! This just shows how fake FB is! In fact, one of her friends on FB was sexting with my husband a few years ago and she is liking all the posts... .as well as my sisters ex who is a cheater and porn lover as well! These are who she calls friends! GROSS! I am starting to laugh at the situation... .I am so glad to be out!

[Trog]

She used to front our relationship, like we were happy when it was clearly not the case. Now, I've no idea, don't go to her page. I don't find her views (of which she has many) particularly interesting and never read her posts even when we were married so sure as Sherlock not going to waste time reading them now.

[lipstick]

Great responses, everyone! 

Yep - I can see that it's mostly "smoke and mirrors". Of course, a lot of "normal" folk put their best foot forward on Facebook. However, our exes seem to really excel at it. Everybody that met my ex (within my circle) took an instant dislike to him. I wasn't aware, of course. This was all told to me later after he had run away. My friends and family said that something was "off" with him. Didn't trust him, etc... My aunt said he was "off his rocker"!  LOL!

But to see what he posts?      You would think he was Father of the Year, Husband of the Year, devout Christian, world's most talented photographer (with a camera phone)  and just an all-around good guy.

Makes me want to 

As I said - I really wonder if they believe what they post? Or if they know the truth and have to keep up appearances to feel better (if only in that moment!). 

[SummerStorm]

Interesting update to my story.  Ex-friend BPD's boyfriend texted me this morning and told me that she has been flipping out on him for no reason, and that he isn't sure if the relationship will work, but that he wants to keep trying.  I give it until later this summer when he takes off work for them to take a trip across the country to visit her parents and she either doesn't feel well and wants to stay home or they go and have a miserable time.  The last time she visited, her mom actually told her not to visit anymore because she makes her mom miserable every time she visits.

[wanttoknowmore]

I don't think they really believe in what they post on fake book.  Their postings are a way of deception... .when she is  bad mother... she compulsively post indicating how great a mother mother she is ! They fool people by posting how happy and joyful they are... .but this is just to cover their misery... mostly they post pictures which are opposite of what really they are.  Its very entertaining to me to see and analyse these pictures and postings ... .they are great at art of deception ! Indeed !

[Tay25]

Its funny how hard they try to portray their fake self on social media. My exgf only had 2 real friends but over 1000 on facebook. She would frequently post selfies to get attention and help her fragile self esteem by feeling as if she has a lot of friends.

It never holds up though, in real life strong smart people can tell they are fake. Many of my friends told me after we broke up that they always could tell she was fake. Even my family told me the same. I never really thought about it until after ( we only see what we want to sometimes)

[Turkish]

Mine is excellent at it. She wanted to take pics of me and the OM (now her husband) at our son's pre-Kindergarten graduation. I had to establish a boundary: NO. She would have posted that on FB "proving" how well everything was,.that we're an awesome blended family. It isn't bad, but I'm not an avatar for her dysfunctional public validation. She has her cake. I'm not going to feed it to her.

[UserName69]

Yes she did. When we broke up she used to post all kind of Happy Me propaganda. One photo made me laugh so hard she had her cheap bikini on and talking about the summer while it still was so freaking cold. And the quality of the camera was so bad, like it came straight out from the 90ties.

She had over 1200 FB friends (it's funny because most people who have so many friends on FB have 1 or 2 friends in reallife) so there always was some pervert posting some desperate post on her baiting pics. She did this because she thought I would become jealous, what she didn't knew is that any of these guys who gave her that attention has 0 respect for her and just want to use her for their lusts. This is always the case with girls who post these kind of things on socialmedia.

She used to post all kind of lies. Whenever she posted anything it always was the opposite. If I supposed to believe people on socialmedia, according to them they are always happy and so perfect.

We have blocked eachother from FB and to be honest I'm happy that i'll never see/hear/feel her again.

[lipstick]

More great responses. Thanks to all!

Turkish - I have read your story. You show great restraint in dealing with your ex. My compliments to you! I also would have said NO to a group "selfie". Way to go!

I agree with everyone - they seem to post the exact OPPOSITE of what is really going on. My ex wants everyone in his Facebook world to validate what he's selling - that his life is AMAZING. And that he is over-the-moon happy. He may be - but after hearing from my aunt on how awful he looks now - I kinda doubt it!  Of course - none of that (his physical problems) is revealed to his "fans". Oh, no. We have to keep "sharing" ridiculous crap that is completely irrelevant. And let's not forget the daily barrage of photos. Because he is the only person on the planet with a camera built into his cell phone. And he's the only person on the planet that lives at the beach - so he MUST share his "amazing shots of paradise" with his fan club. 

A mutual friend told me last night that the ex posted the exact same picture three times. Probably drunk (as usual). The more that time goes by - the more thankful I am that I'm no longer in that quagmire. Sure - he's probably going to continue to look in on me from time to time. Won't do him much good. My Facebook page is locked down. All he can see is a profile picture and my cover photo. I'm sure that ticked him off - but we'll never know. Like I said - he's a Jedi Master when it comes to "Frontin'".  But we've all seen behind the curtain, haven't we? Sad.

[coldmist]

My exgf has been fronting on there since literally a day after she discarded me by going NC. She went from rarely using Facebook to suddenly a lot of activity and adding people. She's trying to portray that she has an exciting happy life now but the only thing she posts are pictures that involve either her sister or her brother and his friends. A lot of the pictures are just them out somewhere or at home usually with drinks in hand. She didn't go out and rarely drank when she was with her ex and then me.  Her 200 "friends" might be blind to it but I can see right through her facade. To me her life looks empty and boring now which I think is likely how she actually feels inside. She only has 2 friends of her own in real life so if it wasn't for her siblings she'd have like no one.

It's only been three months since I last saw her in person but she's not looking that great in her recent pictures. Her body and face are looking noticeably worse than when I was with her. I was a bit shocked by a few pictures she posted last night. She's starting to dress more like her gross slutty sister too who my ex would often talk trash on for that reason.

On top of the crazy drama I went through and being split black and discarded, it all makes me wonder what I saw in her to begin with.

[lipstick]

My exgf has been fronting on there since literally a day after she discarded me by going NC. She went from rarely using Facebook to suddenly a lot of activity and adding people. She's trying to portray that she has an exciting happy life now but the only thing she posts are pictures that involve either her sister or her brother and his friends. A lot of the pictures are just them out somewhere or at home usually with drinks in hand. She didn't go out and rarely drank when she was with her ex and then me.  Her 200 "friends" might be blind to it but I can see right through her facade. To me her life looks empty and boring now which I think is likely how she actually feels inside. She only has 2 friends of her own in real life so if it wasn't for her siblings she'd have like no one.

It's only been three months since I last saw her in person but she's not looking that great in her recent pictures. Her body and face are looking noticeably worse than when I was with her. I was a bit shocked by a few pictures she posted last night. She's starting to dress more like her gross slutty sister too who my ex would often talk trash on for that reason.

On top of the crazy drama I went through and being split black and discarded, it all makes me wonder what I saw in her to begin with.

Hi coldmist,

Yep - my ex is broken down physically now. My aunt saw him about two weeks ago. Said that he was kind of stooped over and hobbling along like a decrepit old man. He's 52. But he's got neuropathy (alcohol abuse) and arthritis in his spine. I kind of felt like it was Karma doing her thing... .     Yeah - they put on quite a show on Facebook. Mine sure does. So much garbage. He (like your ex) tries to portray this amazing life. He does live in a beautiful beach community - I'll give him that. Otherwise - his life (from what i saw) is dull. His children don't do anything with he and the spouse unless they're forced to. No one comes to their home. They're not invited anywhere. They have a long history of domestic violence (she hits!). But if you're a FB "Friend" - you are led to believe that life is grand! 

I wonder what he really thinks once he logs off FB and shuts down the old laptop? I wonder if he contemplates the true reality of his situation?

[blissful_camper]

Frontin' = image crafting.  

[lipstick]

Frontin' = image crafting.  

Hi BlissfulCamper,

Yep - you nailed it!

And I often wonder if he truly believes the crap he posts... .

[coldmist]

My exgf has been fronting on there since literally a day after she discarded me by going NC. She went from rarely using Facebook to suddenly a lot of activity and adding people. She's trying to portray that she has an exciting happy life now but the only thing she posts are pictures that involve either her sister or her brother and his friends. A lot of the pictures are just them out somewhere or at home usually with drinks in hand. She didn't go out and rarely drank when she was with her ex and then me.  Her 200 "friends" might be blind to it but I can see right through her facade. To me her life looks empty and boring now which I think is likely how she actually feels inside. She only has 2 friends of her own in real life so if it wasn't for her siblings she'd have like no one.

It's only been three months since I last saw her in person but she's not looking that great in her recent pictures. Her body and face are looking noticeably worse than when I was with her. I was a bit shocked by a few pictures she posted last night. She's starting to dress more like her gross slutty sister too who my ex would often talk trash on for that reason.

On top of the crazy drama I went through and being split black and discarded, it all makes me wonder what I saw in her to begin with.

Lol my ex posted another picture on FB today and she's holding a bud light can in it. She told me she hates beer, now I guess she's fine with it? Over half of her pictures on there has her holding an alcoholic drink and this is someone who used to only drink wine on occasion. I wonder if any of her "friends" notice this? Does she herself even notice? At least she had a great day.

I bet she's started drinking heavily to deal with emotional pain. Maybe the replacement I suspect she was grooming didn't work out. I know it's her disorder but the extreme behavior changes are so bizarre to witness.

[UserName69]

Frontin' = image crafting.  

A girl on my FB recently broke up with her BF, she's flooding FB with pics of herself and trying to look sexy. It occurred to me that she never did this before, it started after she broke up. She and her exBF are still friends on FB.

[coldmist]

Hi coldmist,

Yep - my ex is broken down physically now. My aunt saw him about two weeks ago. Said that he was kind of stooped over and hobbling along like a decrepit old man. He's 52. But he's got neuropathy (alcohol abuse) and arthritis in his spine. I kind of felt like it was Karma doing her thing... .    Yeah - they put on quite a show on Facebook. Mine sure does. So much garbage. He (like your ex) tries to portray this amazing life. He does live in a beautiful beach community - I'll give him that. Otherwise - his life (from what i saw) is dull. His children don't do anything with he and the spouse unless they're forced to. No one comes to their home. They're not invited anywhere. They have a long history of domestic violence (she hits!). But if you're a FB "Friend" - you are led to believe that life is grand!  

I wonder what he really thinks once he logs off FB and shuts down the old laptop? I wonder if he contemplates the true reality of his situation?

My ex is only 21. She used to be toned and in shape because she took care of herself, it's looking like she's let herself go and likely drinking heavily now which could be why she's looking lousy. Her "friends" are blindly liking her pictures and don't even see the facade in front of them.

I've wondered what really goes through my ex's head too.

[blissful_camper]

Frontin' = image crafting.  

Hi BlissfulCamper,

Yep - you nailed it!

And I often wonder if he truly believes the crap he posts... .

Maybe he feels/believes it at that moment ... .and it lasts 60 seconds.   

[hibye]

My ex posted on FB in 3 months time that she now cohabites with my replacement. Funny thing is that he lives in the same neighborhood with me. If i bump into them i will ignore her completely.  

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD went NC with me a few weeks ago. I am almost there.  I need to maintain contact with her boyfriend until she sends back things she borrowed from me.  Yes, he and I are basically playing the role of two parents who are sorting things out regarding a child, even though that child is 22 and I'm 29.

So, out of curiousity, I went on her Facebook page (We aren't friends on it, never have been because I don't use it), and the first thing I noticed is that she changed her hair (it looks awful) and that her status still says "In a relationship," but it isn't linked to her boyfriend's account like it used to be.  The picture of her new haircut is now her profile picture (for months, it was always a picture of her and her boyfriend).   

I know nothing about Facebook, but do you think this is a sign of trouble in "paradise"? I only ask because her boyfriend is such a nice guy, and I really don't want him to be dragged down by her anymore. I just thought it was weird that, instead of making her haircut photo just another post, she made it her profile picture.   And unlinking his account in her relationship status seems odd, since it had been linked since February.

[myself]

My now-ex posted sincerely, sometimes, but also used FB as a stage to act on. As well as a place to publicly shame people (me, family, friends) by posting they had been 'abusive' to her, so she could control the story, get sympathy, etc. You knew if you were on her good list if you weren't deleted (but when she pulled again instead of pushed, you'd get the chance to 'prove yourself' by being reinstated). At the end of the r/s I felt I had to block her, she was posting/sending weird and painful messages, I didn't need to see her stuff anymore and didn't want her seeing mine. We were done.

[lipstick]

SummerStorm,

I wish I could give you a definitive answer as to why she's doing what she's doing. I can't.

I've observed my ex's behavior long enough now to understand (somewhat) how he reacts to my FB posts / pictures. But I can't speak for anyone else.

I can tell you that from my own personal experience - my BPDex doesn't want to lose his connection to me. It doesn't mean he's ever going to contact me again. Just that he needs to know I'm around. I believe he feels a good deal of shame over what he did to me. In order to "offset" that shame - he continually posts about how amazing his life is now. That he is "blessed" and "grateful" for his marriage, family, etc... Then when he gets lots of validation from his FB fans - it makes him feel good about himself and his choice to dump me.

This month marks the 3-year anniversary of our "co-habitating". He is someone that is very keen on dates. Scary good memory, too. I'm sure he's quite aware of the "anniversary" and is visiting my page. He now sees nothing. And I plan on keeping it that way. What will he do? Probably follow the pattern that he has in the past. I'm sure I'll hear from mutual friends about how he's gone a little nutso on FB yet again. Posting nonsense from morning till night - crying out for attention. It just boggles my mind even after all this time!  All he would have to do is reach out and communicate with me in an adult manner. But the key word here is adult. So we all know he's not going to do it. He'll just continue trying to spy on me while telling his FB fans how awesome his life is.

All we can do as those they've discarded is try our best to ignore their antics and focus on ourselves. Easier said than done, I know. I'm still searching for answers after all this time. However, I've finally accepted that it just "is what it is" and the only thing I can control is how I choose to react.   

[Infared]

The end of my relationship was quite horrible. It was basically a lying, cheating abandonment as she ran off to new "secret" supply. 

I suffered greatly, but one thing I never had to contend with was the Facebook games.

Thankfully I am not a participant and never will be! 

[lipstick]

The end of my relationship was quite horrible. It was basically a lying, cheating abandonment as she ran off to new "secret" supply. 

I suffered greatly, but one thing I never had to contend with was the Facebook games.

Thankfully I am not a participant and never will be! 

Infared,

Be glad that you didn't have that crapola to deal with! 

I'm content with my decision to lock my page down. Haven't backed down from it. Is he frustrated by my actions? I would say probably so... .phone just rang here at the house. "Private Name - Private Number".  At 5:00 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon... .   However, it does me no good to care about what he does anymore. He can own his behavior.

[Infared]

The end of my relationship was quite horrible. It was basically a lying, cheating abandonment as she ran off to new "secret" supply.  

I suffered greatly, but one thing I never had to contend with was the Facebook games.

Thankfully I am not a participant and never will be!  

Infared,

Be glad that you didn't have that crapola to deal with!  

I'm content with my decision to lock my page down. Haven't backed down from it. Is he frustrated by my actions? I would say probably so... .phone just rang here at the house. "Private Name - Private Number".  At 5:00 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon... .  However, it does me no good to care about what he does anymore. He can own his behavior.

Yes... I locked down everything. Even changed my phone number. Once I saw the behavior.  She thought I should be the same loving, caring guy I always was and be there for her. (Yeah, right!). Really sick. It was THE most painful thing I ever did in my life. I really, really loved her. (Or at least I loved her mirroring me.  ).  It's so bizarre... .she abandons me, runs off with muscle boy, and somehow... .I am the bad guy for "actually" ending a relationship that I NEVER wanted to end. Twisted stuff. It didn't stop her though... .she still "tries" to walk up to me in public places.  No respect for my feelings at all and absolutely no responsibility for any of her actions and how they may have effected me. None.

I would not wish what I went thru on anyone.

That Facebook stuff and playing into it is just self imposed torture. I got a therapist and she helped me to avoid most of that self abuse! When we are emotionally distressed it easy to make a lot of bad choices... .

[apollotech]

Hi Lipstick,

My BPDexgf is so enmeshed with FakeBook, that I do believe that she sees that as her real life. It fulfills her needs, wide audience of enablers/soothers, without the possibility of engulfment or abandonment since there are no emotional attachments involved. She also runs the triangle on there all the time against people who have wronged her, so her as the helpless victim needs are fulfilled on FakeBook as well. Needless to say, she is a complete fake on FakeBook. It's a sad existence.

[enlighten me]

Ive said it before and I'll say it again. If they had a good normal life they wouldnt be on fb as much as they are. My exgf will be off of fb during the idolisation phase. Then starts posting when things arent as much fun. Then its the selfies all made up. Then its the fun stuff without her boyfriend before the inevitable split and repeat cycle.

Its a good guage of what they are up to but you have to read between the lines.

Selfie = look at how desirable I am. Now tell me I look good.

Having so much fun =Im doing things that should make me happy but they dont so if I say they do people will believe me.

Pity posts= someones upset me so I need everyone to believe im the victim.

The list goes on but the undercurrent is what you need to see not the surface coating.