Ex's Dog Died - Advice Needed

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Hi All,

My uBPDexgf's that I work with lost her dog last night.  It was a dog that I new well and really loved.  I have been LC with her since the breakup 3 months 1 week ago.  It's kinda close to NC because we rarely have to talk at work.  She started getting friendly about 2 months ago so I sent her a personal email telling her I didn't want to talk about our past relationship.  Since then she has pretty much ignored me.

I am trying to figure out if I should email her to let her know I am sorry for the loss.  I would not do this in person because the times we have passed each other in the hall she seems almost afraid of me.  Waif behavior maybe - I don't know. 

I was also very close with her 29 year old daughter and would like to do the same for her.  But I also wonder if I should just leave it alone.  I don't want to cause any more pain than she is feeling already.

I'm torn.  Any advice?

Thanks so much.

[simpleman]

Hi All,

My uBPDexgf's that I work with lost her dog last night.  It was a dog that I new well and really loved.  I have been LC with her since the breakup 3 months 1 week ago.  It's kinda close to NC because we rarely have to talk at work.  She started getting friendly about 2 months ago so I sent her a personal email telling her I didn't want to talk about our past relationship.  Since then she has pretty much ignored me.

I am trying to figure out if I should email her to let her know I am sorry for the loss.  I would not do this in person because the times we have passed each other in the hall she seems almost afraid of me.  Waif behavior maybe - I don't know. 

I was also very close with her 29 year old daughter and would like to do the same for her.  But I also wonder if I should just leave it alone.  I don't want to cause any more pain than she is feeling already.

I'm torn.  Any advice?

Thanks so much.

[going places]

IMHO, I'd leave it alone.

I communicated with my ex, my condolences for the passing of his dad, and after a few days, he stirs up a huge storm of non sense into me and our kids lives... .

It's not worth it.

[peacefulmind]

Hi All,

My uBPDexgf's that I work with lost her dog last night.  It was a dog that I new well and really loved.  I have been LC with her since the breakup 3 months 1 week ago.  It's kinda close to NC because we rarely have to talk at work.  She started getting friendly about 2 months ago so I sent her a personal email telling her I didn't want to talk about our past relationship.  Since then she has pretty much ignored me.

I am trying to figure out if I should email her to let her know I am sorry for the loss.  I would not do this in person because the times we have passed each other in the hall she seems almost afraid of me.  Waif behavior maybe - I don't know. 

I was also very close with her 29 year old daughter and would like to do the same for her.  But I also wonder if I should just leave it alone.  I don't want to cause any more pain than she is feeling already.

I'm torn.  Any advice?

Thanks so much.

There is nothing wrong in showing your empathy for the loss of her dog. Animals are something we grow very fond of and personally, my own animal is like a baby to me. However, if I were to be encountered with this same dilemma with my ex-BPD, I would keep it very short. I would say "My condolensces for your loss, it was an amazing dog" and keep it that. I understand that your earlier r/s may have been different than mine, since there were no children involved, but I can empathize with the idea of our exes losing their beloved animals.

Ultimately, it is something you will have to decide. I don't see anything wrong in extending your condolesces to show that you're sad that the dog is gone. But this is for your own grief over the dog and shouldn't revolve around her. I understand that may be hard to seperate, that is why I suggest you keep it short.

You say you would like to be close to your ex as you are with her 29D. Is this something you see as feasible for your own healing? How impacted are you at this point, and if you should use your own words, how far along in the healing do you think you are? These are some questions I think you should ask yourself before making your decision as well

[simpleman]

Thank you both.  I should have worded that better.  I am not wanting to be close to my ex, I was saying that I would like to send condolences to her daughter also.

I did "Like" the FB post her daughter made last night to let her know I was thinking of her without actually sending a message.  My ex has me blocked so that was not an option for her.

Since it happened I have that feeling of wanting to rescue a little bit so I wonder if sending the message will make me feel that more intense.  I don't want to go backwards.  But I also think I should suck it up and ignore that feeling knowing it will pass.

[peacefulmind]

Thank you both.  I should have worded that better.  I am not wanting to be close to my ex, I was saying that I would like to send condolences to her daughter also.

I did "Like" the FB post her daughter made last night to let her know I was thinking of her without actually sending a message.  My ex has me blocked so that was not an option for her.

Since it happened I have that feeling of wanting to rescue a little bit so I wonder if sending the message will make me feel that more intense.  I don't want to go backwards.  But I also think I should suck it up and ignore that feeling knowing it will pass.

Thank you for clarifying that.

You asked the question very well in the last paraphrase: "feeling of wanting to rescue a little bit so I wonder if sending the message will make me feel that more intense.  I don't want to go backwards.". This is a double-edged sword. It could either set you back or show you how far along in the healing process you are. Think about this very carefully, and act after you've made a rational choice. If you have "liked" a post on your ex's 29D, then you've already shown the condolescences you need imo. But if you feel you should do more, ask yourself what the motivation behind "more" is.

[going places]

Thank you both.  I should have worded that better.  I am not wanting to be close to my ex, I was saying that I would like to send condolences to her daughter also.

I did "Like" the FB post her daughter made last night to let her know I was thinking of her without actually sending a message.  My ex has me blocked so that was not an option for her.

Since it happened I have that feeling of wanting to rescue a little bit so I wonder if sending the message will make me feel that more intense.  I don't want to go backwards.  But I also think I should suck it up and ignore that feeling knowing it will pass.

Thank you for clarifying that.

You asked the question very well in the last paraphrase: "feeling of wanting to rescue a little bit so I wonder if sending the message will make me feel that more intense.  I don't want to go backwards.". This is a double-edged sword. It could either set you back or show you how far along in the healing process you are. Think about this very carefully, and act after you've made a rational choice. If you have "liked" a post on your ex's 29D, then you've already shown the condolescences you need imo. But if you feel you should do more, ask yourself what the motivation behind "more" is.

Contacting my ex, in a non hostile, genuine caring way was a HUGE step for me.

After giving him my condolences, and asking if he and the step mom and the ex wife (ex's mother) were ok, I let the conversation end.

I did not ruminate.

I did not obsess.

I truly did not think about it again... .until yesterday. (and the condolences were 2 weeks ago).

Yes, it showed me how far I have come.

((then the d-bag goes out of his way to trigger me yesterday, and send me down the toilet; but instead of being on the couch for days... .I worked thru it in a matter of hours. HUGE HUGE HUGE progrees))

NOW it has been 1 year since the divorce.

11 months since I have seen his face.

Almost 5 months since I have heard his voice.

He is BLOCKED from all my social media.

He can only communicate w/ me via text or email, and on my terms.

[simpleman]

Very sound advice - thank you.  I do still have the battle between the head and the heart but it is not nearly as bad.  It "feels like the right thing to do" if you know what I mean but I also know that these situations are different.  She was verbally abusive, alienated me from my children, etc - many of the things we've all experienced so maybe it is best to keep NC as possible.  It's so hard to decide.

[enlighten me]

I wonder how much of this is not wanting to look bad? I thought about this before when my exgf had a pet die. She was OTT devastated by it. I didnt say anything in the end as I thought it was more to do with me looking good than being comforting.

[simpleman]

Good for you going places!  Thanks enlighten.  I can see your point.

You know she just walked by and I can hear her talking. That still triggers me. I'm not used to looking out for my feelings.  My mind still hasn't recovered from being through the blender.

She has the happy mask on right now - more trigger.

So many mixed feelings here.  

[going places]

Good for you going places!  Thanks enlighten.  I can see your point.

You know she just walked by and I can hear her talking. That still triggers me. I'm not used to looking out for my feelings.  My mind still hasn't recovered from being through the blender.

She has the happy mask on right now - more trigger.

So many mixed feelings here.  

If you are still struggling, I most definitely would not contact her or her daughter about the dog.

Write, with pen and paper what you want to say, then go home and burn it and release the ashes.

Then be done.

[simpleman]

Thanks for the advice everybody. 

I'm going to leave it alone and hope her daughter saw the Like on FB.  This is stirring up too much emotion and I don't want to do the same for her.  If she approaches me to tell me then that would let me know that she is opening the door for that communication.  This goes both ways when I think about it.

[DyingLove]

In My Opinion:

Like it was said: Leave it alone.  You liked the animal- Fine.  It was a relationship between you and the animal.

I had to do/think the same with a 9yo girl. My ex's daughter.  I was so up in the air about how to handle it.  I'm sure they say: Oh, if the kid was important he would contact her.  Well guess what: It's out of my hands. No one thought I was important enuff to be in the R/S, so now I've got my own life to be concerned about.  I can't be concerned with every baby bird that falls out of the nest.

BUT, ultimately, I must say you have to please your heart.  damn it's always tough!

[sbr1050]

I personally would not. 

I sent my uBPDexbf a text congratulating him on the birth of his first grandbaby and I could tell he did not want me bothering him.  It just left me feeling bad.

[simpleman]

Wellll, you're not going to believe this.  At lunch every day I walk around the block that our office is on.  1/2 mile a lap.  I am coming around the building and she comes out one of the doors right next to me and sees me.  What are the odds?  It's a 20 ft walk to her car so there is no way I am going to just keep walking and ignore her.  I asked her how she was doing and I told her sorry to hear about the dog and she was a great dog.

So I guess it took care of itself. 

That is how my luck has been since the breakup.

Thanks again for all the advice.

[Beach_Babe]

 I think a simple card or text would be the human thing to do.

[simpleman]

Thanks Beach Babe.  If you look at my previous reply you will see that we had a chance meeting and I offered my sympathies.  The decision was made for me 

[Beach_Babe]

That was kind of you to do so! I'm sorry you are struggling.

[simpleman]

Thank you Beach Babe!

Her daughter must have seen my "Like" on her FB post because she unfriended me.  I didn't take it personal.  She is FB friends with the new guy so I can understand her needing to do that.

Then my ex unblocked me.  I had bad judgement and looked at her profile.  Even though we are not friends she gave me access only to certain things.  I had no idea you could do that.  I could see special times in our relationship and then certain things with the new guy (he bought her flowers, etc).  I see her saying the same things to him she said to me which I know is usually the pattern.

It gave me more validation but I still wish I hadn't looked.

[Beach_Babe]

Wow your ex is screwed. I am so sorry. I guess the acorn does not fall far from the tree.