Emotional Incest

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi ,

I guess I experienced emotional incest as a child .  My mother had BPD .  One

minute she was kind and the next she was abusive .  I am angry because she

used me as her personal therapist but I was not allowed to tell her about my

sufferings as I was growing up .  I had 5 siblings under me and I had to help

her a great deal in taking care of them and going to the laundromat and taking

them to the doctors .

During her mean rages she would tell me that she couldn't wait for me to turn 18

so she could put me out .   I had to help defend her when my drunken step father

attacked her .   And whenever I met a boy while in high school she would try to

make us get married .   Finally , she got me to marry one of those boys and then

it was at that point that she slammed the door of her heart and life .   She dropped me cold .   That was 40 years ago .

Now she has Alzheimer's Disease and she doesn't remember anything except

a few things from her early childhood .   When I called her on the phone to let

her know that I still loved her --- she was able to climb out of that Alzheimer's

to ask me why do I call her and why don't I leave her alone ?

I was shocked !   How could it be ?  Even in the state of advanced dementia

that hate and malice she always had for me still lives in her even though she

doesn't know my name .  But she knows she hates me !

Keep in mind that she is kind and talkative toward my other siblings .

There is a lot more that went on between her & I but I didn't want to take

up too much space .

[fixit]

Hi ,

I guess I experienced emotional incest as a child .  My mother had BPD .  One

minute she was kind and the next she was abusive .  I am angry because she

used me as her personal therapist but I was not allowed to tell her about my

sufferings as I was growing up .  I had 5 siblings under me and I had to help

her a great deal in taking care of them and going to the laundromat and taking

them to the doctors .

During her mean rages she would tell me that she couldn't wait for me to turn 18

so she could put me out .   I had to help defend her when my drunken step father

attacked her .   And whenever I met a boy while in high school she would try to

make us get married .   Finally , she got me to marry one of those boys and then

it was at that point that she slammed the door of her heart and life .   She dropped me cold .   That was 40 years ago .

Now she has Alzheimer's Disease and she doesn't remember anything except

a few things from her early childhood .   When I called her on the phone to let

her know that I still loved her --- she was able to climb out of that Alzheimer's

to ask me why do I call her and why don't I leave her alone ?

I was shocked !   How could it be ?  Even in the state of advanced dementia

that hate and malice she always had for me still lives in her even though she

doesn't know my name .  But she knows she hates me !

Keep in mind that she is kind and talkative toward my other siblings .

There is a lot more that went on between her & I but I didn't want to take

up too much space .

[Leaving]

Hi Fixit,

I may be wrong, but I think that dementia can bring out the worst in patients- especially if they already had psychological problems.  My mother is not mellowing and seems to have taken a dive for the worse in the past 5 years.  She doesn't have dementia ( that I know of) but I think that after her mother passed, she's become a very different person.  It's hard to explain but it's like she's developed a new personality that is opposite of her 'old' self in many ways.  Like before she used to preach to me and others that parents should be their children's best friend but now she goes on and on about how parents who are their children's friends are sick and perverted people. I reconnected with her a few months ago and noticed that things she had taught me to believe, she didn't even remember doing so or believing those very things now. 

Please don't internalize the hatred that your mother projects on you.  I know that sounds unrealistic.  I know, I've been there.  Realize that you are not alone and that many of us have been targeted by them to project their own self hatred.  I'm sure you're other ' golden child' siblings have had their issues to deal with as well.  My brother was the golden child as long as I was around to target.  Once I went NC, the dynamic changed and my brother was furious with me because he then became the target.  Oh well.  Even though he was the golden child, it was not easy for him.  He's much more successful in terms of career and superficial things but he's an emotional wreck.

It sounds like your mother may have also had some NPD.  I know all about how I had t listen to my mother go on and on about her problems but whenever I had a problem, she would cut me off, say she didn't have time to listen and was downright rude, insensitive and ugly.  She always made me feel like I was imposing on her and a big burden when in truth, it was SHE that was the burden to everyone. 

My mother manipulated me into marrying a horrible man that has destroyed my welfare since and she completely discarded me shortly after I married him.  She did the same with my brother only he would always go back to her and apologize for nothing he did.  ? 

My mother told us that we had to move out by age 18 but she said it like a spoiled brat who wanted the whole house to herself.  When she received her inheritance from her mother she made it clear that she intended to spend every penny and not leave anything for us and then she would laugh like a giddy clever child. 

I know this is difficult for you.  Focus on getting strong and being independent because I think it's a waste of your energy trying to make the relationship work and expecting your mother to change.  So sorry you must face these truths but know that you will persevere and are capable of conquering  the challenges ahead.

[fixit]

Hi ,

Thank you so much for answering my letter .   So many of the things that

happened to me with my mother also happened to you .  No one in the past

I ever spoke with about her could give me anything close to what you have

written .

One real problem that I have regarding my mother is that I love her and have

always loved her with a great passion .   Believe it or not ,  she had a

beautiful personality when she wasn't mean and she had a brilliant intellect .

When I say beautiful & brilliant I mean she had the ability to touch people's

hearts .  When she spoke , especially when she was indignant about an in-

justice , everyone in the room would freeze in rapt attention .  She would say

what she wanted to say and leave the people amazed and hungry for more .

When the power would go out in our building when I was a child and we were left in darkness , she chose that

time to recite the most beautiful poems & ballads from memory and when she

did this I could see and feel everything .  I have never heard anyone who was

able to bring words to life like she could .  She could read people like a detective

and like a wild animal .   Men loved her !  But she only loved my stepfather .  I only

remember her being unfaithful two times when we were hungry .  And she only

did that because we were hungry .

Whenever I came home from school , as soon as I put my key in the door I

could always smell delicious aromas coming from the kitchen .  She cooked &

cleaned and didn't have drug or alcohol problems .  But when Mr Hyde came

out she was violent and cruel in word and deed .   I would have been able to

put up with her craziness if she hadn't cut me out of her life the way she did

without any remorse or desire for my company or to even talk to me .  For

decades whenever I telephoned her , which was seldom , she would hang up .

Whenever she saw me in person , the color would leave her face and she

would literally run from me as if she saw a ghost .   I am talking about real

terror here . 

She treated me the way certain males have treated females .  There are males

who are nice to a female until they have sex with them then they walk away and

have nothing to do with the female after that .

Humans are strange .  You never know when or if they are going to change up

on you .

I agree with you .  I have to focus on becoming strong & independent .  After

all , I don't have a choice .

Thank you for listening and responding to me .  Bless you .