Biggest Regret?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Didn't it? Anger is easy, was the go to emotion for me too at first... .experiencing the pain, grieving till you get to the other side of grief... .takes courage.

The more I thought about her the more I hated her and even felt more anger. I think she triggered these emotions when she treated me very bad by ignoring me, push/pull behavior. What even make me angrier is when we still had each other on FB she wanted my attention while she made it clear that she didn't want me. This is what she always did she played with my feelings and she enjoy it till she knew I was dating an another girl. I believe this is the reason why I moved on so quickly and started a new relationship. For me the rs was months over before she dumped me, I had lost all faith in her.

[UserName69]

Didn't it? Anger is easy, was the go to emotion for me too at first... .experiencing the pain, grieving till you get to the other side of grief... .takes courage.

The more I thought about her the more I hated her and even felt more anger. I think she triggered these emotions when she treated me very bad by ignoring me, push/pull behavior. What even make me angrier is when we still had each other on FB she wanted my attention while she made it clear that she didn't want me. This is what she always did she played with my feelings and she enjoy it till she knew I was dating an another girl. I believe this is the reason why I moved on so quickly and started a new relationship. For me the rs was months over before she dumped me, I had lost all faith in her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Didn't it? Anger is easy, was the go to emotion for me too at first... .experiencing the pain, grieving till you get to the other side of grief... .takes courage.

The more I thought about her the more I hated her and even felt more anger. I think she triggered these emotions when she treated me very bad by ignoring me, push/pull behavior. What even make me angrier is when we still had each other on FB she wanted my attention while she made it clear that she didn't want me. This is what she always did she played with my feelings and she enjoy it till she knew I was dating an another girl. I believe this is the reason why I moved on so quickly and started a new relationship. For me the rs was months over before she dumped me, I had lost all faith in her.

Yes, and although anger is a natural response to abuse and disrespect, anger is also always a secondary emotion.  Under it is usually hurt, which is a response to lack of love, being unloved, and all the forms that takes.  Did you get beyond and under the anger and feel that and process it User?

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Aussie: Please do ! I enjoy reading your posts and gain much insight from them =)

Fromheeltoheel: hopefully I am headed that way.  I know logically  I could contact him at any time; I do not, though because something is stopping me. Every recycle involved me running after him. I apologized, pleaded and groveled. I got none of tbe same; just more raging, silent treatment, and humiliation.  I think after a while I just collapsed. So, maybe I AM making myself a victim here. No one is stopping me from making contact but me.

Heartbrokeneagle: these situations are so hard when  kids are involved How is he doing?

Sosoconfused: and that's what I am also afraid of. Going through all this, then two years later he tries to waltz back in. Whatever happened with your situation?  :)id she end up moving back to France?

NonBPDex: you did not know about the disorder, it's not your fault! Everyone has a limit, we're you perhaps pushed to yours?

Hi Beach Babe, thanks for asking about my son.

Unfortunately my son does not like his new Step father very much hence he is not very happy at the moment. He wants to spend every weekend possible with me.

As you could imagine this does not help the relationship I have with his mother. I also feel totally useless in this situation which really hurts... .

[ketch61]

I regret many things but most of all is i believed she was genuine

[ReclaimingMyLife]

My biggest regret is that my kids have paid a terrible price.   Were this not the case,  I might genuinely feel that altho I screwed up by ignoring (huge) red flags, I can take the beat-down and learn from it.   I am an adult who made bad adult decisions for which I have paid the price.  That is reasonable.   But what I hate most is that my kids are paying for my mistake.   None of this was their doing.   Yet, they suffer big time.

[ppb2la]

Biggest regret- allowing myself to be hovered back in each time during the  11 break ups in 5 months over the most ridiculous of things like lighting a candle in my OWN home without asking his permission or giving him bottled water and coffee to make the coffee in my kitchen and his taking offense at that as he said he could get them on his own in my kitchen and that he didn't want me to be in my kitchen when he was making coffee there... .

He has BPD and NPD- so another regret is that I allowed myself to be continually disparaged by him with negative comments which didn't much help my already floundering self-esteem.

3 days now NC; finding it a challenge as I still feel love for him but have finally realized (with the help of so many wonderful posts on this forum) that NOTHING will ever CHANGE and that the longer I allow him to keep recycling me, the more damage I am doing to myself.

ppb2la

[greenmonkey]

I don't have regrets in my life - I made the conscious decisions to be with her, allow myself to be recycled and put up with the abuse whilst we were living together thinking it would get better. It was all my down to me no one else.

I look at it as part of life's learning experience, it is a blip in my life - I have learnt so much from it, and the main one being take notice of red flags don't ignore them.

I also made the same decision to get rid of her and her chaotic life to put myself and my well being first, which was the best decision.

I took up cycling as a destress and now raise money for charity doing long distance rides - which is a positive. My mental health is 1000x better, I am fitter, healthier, slimmer and a much better person for it.

If you live a life full of regrets it is too much negativity thinking about what would have, should have been. I am living my life now, with me and my kids first as it was before I met her.

[UserName69]

Didn't it? Anger is easy, was the go to emotion for me too at first... .experiencing the pain, grieving till you get to the other side of grief... .takes courage.

The more I thought about her the more I hated her and even felt more anger. I think she triggered these emotions when she treated me very bad by ignoring me, push/pull behavior. What even make me angrier is when we still had each other on FB she wanted my attention while she made it clear that she didn't want me. This is what she always did she played with my feelings and she enjoy it till she knew I was dating an another girl. I believe this is the reason why I moved on so quickly and started a new relationship. For me the rs was months over before she dumped me, I had lost all faith in her.

Yes, and although anger is a natural response to abuse and disrespect, anger is also always a secondary emotion.  Under it is usually hurt, which is a response to lack of love, being unloved, and all the forms that takes.  Did you get beyond and under the anger and feel that and process it User?

Well to be honest we broke up for 14 times in 6 months. She broke my heart way before we broke up for good. In the beginning I was confused, later I was angry. Later when she told me that she was planning her bday party and she didn't invite me I started to hate her a lot. I never felt such hate for someone in my entire life. Driven by hate it was very simple to get over her and date with an another girl. I always told myself there are a lot of single girls I can go with so why should I stick to her?

After spending time with my current gf I started to hate my exBPD less, I don't think about my rs I had with her. I just consider her lost. And I know she's probably sleeping with an another guy and I know that will be an another disaster and the cycle will start again.

So yes in the beginning she did hurt me a lot, but that made hate her, the hate made me move on which led me into a new relationship. I really dont care about her, even if something bad would happen to her I wouldn't care. She's just an evil loser who'll never succeed in life.

[Turkish]

My regret is that we couldn't make it work for the sake of our children. Notice that I include her in that. It takes two,.and we each played our dysfunctional parts.

[rotiroti]

I don't have regrets in my life - I made the conscious decisions to be with her, allow myself to be recycled and put up with the abuse whilst we were living together thinking it would get better. It was all my down to me no one else.

I look at it as part of life's learning experience, it is a blip in my life - I have learnt so much from it, and the main one being take notice of red flags don't ignore them.

I also made the same decision to get rid of her and her chaotic life to put myself and my well being first, which was the best decision.

I took up cycling as a destress and now raise money for charity doing long distance rides - which is a positive. My mental health is 1000x better, I am fitter, healthier, slimmer and a much better person for it.

If you live a life full of regrets it is too much negativity thinking about what would have, should have been. I am living my life now, with me and my kids first as it was before I met her.

Powerful. Thank you.

[Tim300]

What was your biggest regret coming from this relationship? For me it was hanging around longer than I should have. There never should have been 6 airline tickets. I should have left him after the second failed trip attempt.  My fault. Never again.

What are your regrets?

This is a good question.  After a 2.5 year relationship, I can think of various times when I would have done things differently -- like said something differently or acted slightly differently.  However, being that it was a BPD relationship, I genuinely feel that whatever I did or didn't do was irrelevant to the outcome.  Accordingly, my greatest regret is simply having gotten involved at all with a pwBPD. What could I have done differently?  I regret not fully knowing about the concept of BPD.  I consider myself to be a relatively well read person and someone who pursues learning many different subjects, yet until having this experience I really didn't know much about personality disorders and I think I was relatively dismissive that such disorders actually existed.  In this sense, I projected my own "non" way of thinking on to others, assuming that people thought in ways relatively similar to my own thinking.  

I know some outside observers would say that I stuck around for longer than I should have, but I don't regret that.  I was committed to her, the person who I thought was my life partner, and I wanted to stick by her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.  I couldn't simply walk away because of some initial poor or confusing behavior.  (With that being said, once BPD is identified as the problem, I firmly believe that one should extricate oneself ASAP.  I hadn't yet identified BPD has the cause of the initial road bumps.)

Going forward I will pay attention to whether a person (be it a prospective friend or prospective romantic partner) has BPD, and I will keep my distance if I strongly suspect it.  I consider myself to be an exceptionally nice and open-minded person, but the reality is that in these situations the best route for all involved can be to keep your distance.