A caretaker as long as I can remember...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been thinking a lot about the role of caretaker that I had with my BPD husband.  I've been realizing how far back it goes.  When I was young, I would try to take care of the stray cats, and would instantly get the attention of any pet at anyone's house (I'd spend the whole time petting the dog or cat).  I also used pretend that I was taking care of a daughter (all imaginary), pretending to dress her & do her hair (with an imaginary wardrobe).  I also used to cut out pictures of families and kids from magazines and put them in photo albums like I was grown up and they were me and my family.

When I was a teenager, my brother (who was 2 years older than me) was starting to drink (and get drunk) had issues with depression and threatened suicide once when I was the only one there.  I took on the role of taking care of him.  Helping him up to his room when he was very drunk.  Cleaning up the broken spilled glass of whiskey he dropped.  Thinking I was very cleaver in covering up the smell by spilling apple juice in the same place after I cleaned it up.  I also talked him down from a suicide attempt.

Then when I was 18 my mom moved out and left my dad to move in with the person she had been cheating on him with for a year or so.  My dad was heartbroken.  I stayed at his house to take care of him.  He started to drink a lot & was really depressed.  I shopped for him and did the laundry, then taught him how to do the laundry.  Thing got better for him after he go a cat (my mom had put our previous cat to sleep a year or two before she left).  I was my dad's caretaker (his person to call if he needed anything, if he was sad or lonely) for most of the rest of his life (he passed in 2013). 

I have been my husband's caretaker, not even realizing it.  He wouldn't be able to function on his own.  I fill out paperwork, I deal with the repair shop, I deal with the bills, I take care of him or tell him what to do if he is sick.

I am realizing and in the process of moving my focus to where it needs to be. My health and well being and my children's health and wellbeing need to be my number 1 priority.  I am not, and never will be my husbands mother.  I cannot change the damage done to him.  It is not my responsibility or in my ability to change him.  I do not deserve abuse, suspicion, lies, manipulation, accusations or to be threatened.

I am a good, loving person who deserves to be treated with kindness.

(I don't know if this is where I should have posted this And I went a little off my topic.  Feel free to move this if necessary). I hope everyone has an awesome day 

[Smileypants]

I've been thinking a lot about the role of caretaker that I had with my BPD husband.  I've been realizing how far back it goes.  When I was young, I would try to take care of the stray cats, and would instantly get the attention of any pet at anyone's house (I'd spend the whole time petting the dog or cat).  I also used pretend that I was taking care of a daughter (all imaginary), pretending to dress her & do her hair (with an imaginary wardrobe).  I also used to cut out pictures of families and kids from magazines and put them in photo albums like I was grown up and they were me and my family.

When I was a teenager, my brother (who was 2 years older than me) was starting to drink (and get drunk) had issues with depression and threatened suicide once when I was the only one there.  I took on the role of taking care of him.  Helping him up to his room when he was very drunk.  Cleaning up the broken spilled glass of whiskey he dropped.  Thinking I was very cleaver in covering up the smell by spilling apple juice in the same place after I cleaned it up.  I also talked him down from a suicide attempt.

Then when I was 18 my mom moved out and left my dad to move in with the person she had been cheating on him with for a year or so.  My dad was heartbroken.  I stayed at his house to take care of him.  He started to drink a lot & was really depressed.  I shopped for him and did the laundry, then taught him how to do the laundry.  Thing got better for him after he go a cat (my mom had put our previous cat to sleep a year or two before she left).  I was my dad's caretaker (his person to call if he needed anything, if he was sad or lonely) for most of the rest of his life (he passed in 2013). 

I have been my husband's caretaker, not even realizing it.  He wouldn't be able to function on his own.  I fill out paperwork, I deal with the repair shop, I deal with the bills, I take care of him or tell him what to do if he is sick.

I am realizing and in the process of moving my focus to where it needs to be. My health and well being and my children's health and wellbeing need to be my number 1 priority.  I am not, and never will be my husbands mother.  I cannot change the damage done to him.  It is not my responsibility or in my ability to change him.  I do not deserve abuse, suspicion, lies, manipulation, accusations or to be threatened.

I am a good, loving person who deserves to be treated with kindness.

(I don't know if this is where I should have posted this And I went a little off my topic.  Feel free to move this if necessary). I hope everyone has an awesome day 

[Panda39]

Hi Smileypants,

I relate to your post.  I'm a life long rescuer/caretaker/nurturer.  I was going to marry "Little Joe"   I wasn't going to run off and leave him like all of his love interests did on Bonanza, I would pretend that I was a pioneer and nurse my babies back to health after a bout of scarlet fever, and in the real world I thought about how I would rescue my little brother if we had a house fire (I was a junior fireman  )

When I was older and started dating I always went for the slightly (or more than slightly) damaged boys "with good hearts" I would be there for them, support them and take care of them.  First serious boyfriend was a son of a single mom with a dad who had "another family" that he barely saw, Second serious boyfriend (I now suspect was BPD) abandoned by his dad, raised by a single mom, had dyslexia and was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me, Third boyfriend was adopted, adoptive parents divorced (ugly divorce), lived with single mom, and saw dad regularly but the relationship was superficial.  I was with this boyfriend for almost 10 years and thought I would marry him and then he cheated among other emotional abuse the last year of the relationship this break up damaged me for 20 years and led me to boyfriend #3/husband.  My ex was adopted, his adoptive dad died right in front of him when he was 14, he became the man of the house, had dyslexia and was an alcoholic.

[Panda39]

Sorry about the accidental partial post  ... .Here's the whole thing. 


Hi Smileypants,

I relate to your post.  I'm a life long rescuer/caretaker/nurturer.  I was going to marry "Little Joe"   I wasn't going to run off and leave him like all of his love interests did on Bonanza, I would pretend that I was a pioneer and nurse my babies back to health after a bout of scarlet fever, and in the real world I thought about how I would rescue my little brother if we had a house fire (I was a junior fireman  )

When I was older and started dating I always went for the slightly (or more than slightly) damaged boys "with good hearts" I would be there for them, support them and take care of them.  First serious boyfriend was a son of a single mom with a dad who had "another family" that he barely saw, Second serious boyfriend (I now suspect was BPD) abandoned by his dad, raised by a single mom, had dyslexia and was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me, Third boyfriend was adopted, adoptive parents divorced (ugly divorce), lived with single mom, and saw dad regularly but the relationship was superficial.  I was with this boyfriend for almost 10 years and thought I would marry him and then he cheated among other emotional abuse the last year of the relationship this break up damaged me for 20 years and led me to boyfriend #4/husband.  My ex was adopted, his adoptive dad died right in front of him when he was 14, he became the man of the house, had dyslexia and was an alcoholic. I was married 20 years to an alcoholic and I was codependent. It is my belief that I rescued to boost my own self esteem and also as a way to control.

I had a breakdown and breakthroughs and divorced in 2009 and during that time I realized that it was okay to do and ask for the things I wanted and that it wasn't selfish.  I learned that I am loveable and there was a love out there that I deserved.  That it was okay to let go and trust that someone else could take care of me sometimes.  Love should be interdependent and not codependent or all one sided. 

I met my current SO a year after my divorce and approached dating in a much more rational way than I ever had and found someone that is a true partner to me.  Is he perfect and problem free no... .but no one is.  He was on his way out of a marriage to his uBPDxw little did I know what the heck that would mean to me and my life.    We share the burdens that she brings to our life, support each other, listen to each other, vent to each other and sometimes protect each other.  I can also ask for time to myself, go out with friends and do anything else I want to on my own because I deserve it.  My honey supports that.

I am realizing and in the process of moving my focus to where it needs to be. My health and well being and my children's health and wellbeing need to be my number 1 priority.  I am not, and never will be my husbands mother.  I cannot change the damage done to him.  It is not my responsibility or in my ability to change him.  I do not deserve abuse, suspicion, lies, manipulation, accusations or to be threatened.

I am a good, loving person who deserves to be treated with kindness.

Amen!

[babyducks]

great posts.   

this is my first time trying out the inventory board so y'all be gentle with me.   

When I first joined these boards some one here said, and unfortunately I don't remember who it was,

a person with BPD can not self soothe and we as non's can't self validate.   both can be unhealthy forms of neediness

so that hit me right between the eyes and I immediately turned away from that thread.  but I made a note of it to come back to later.

Oh yeah.   I am a caretaker.   I grew up in a family where there was a lot of physical and mental  illness and being the youngest, and the healthiest, I was "my grandmother's legs"   and "my mother's conscience".   I was essentially wired from birth to be a caretaker.

Once paired with the a BPD, we both ran to our limits.  I couldn't get the brakes on my 'need' to fix things and be hyper responsible any more than my partner could get the brakes on her hyper emotions.   Dang it was ugly.

I've been working on getting my feelings of self worth and self esteem internally rather than externally.   With some mixed results.   I have a handful of affirmations, which I thought were silly when I started but have begun to replace some of the negative self talk that ran through my head fairly frequently.

And I have been working on saying No, not my responsibility.   Not my job.   Not my property.  Not my circus.  Not my monkeys.

I like your affirmation.

I am a good, loving person who deserves to be treated with kindness.

This is one of mine.   I relax and recognize my self worth.  I am good.  I am strong and capable.

[Trog]

Yes it's interesting to realise how far back this stuff goes. Like you I would save stray animals. However I think that ones quite common in all well adjusted kids.

My primary caretaking worry was playing comfort to my mother because of my physically and mentally abusive father. Our family was quite isolated in a rural area, I was the only child in that relationship and so we became a dysfunctional family whereby I was sometimes physically protecting my mother from my fathers attacks but more often comforting her in tears. I am not angry with her for it, she did the very best she knew how to do and the fault here does lie with the aggressor, however he too is somewhat emotionally limited. However this is not a good situation for a kid to grow up in and was the perfect nurturing ground for a codependent who will try to fix their childhood with a disordered partner.

Understanding this has provided immense relief, knowing the problem is half the solution but our work now is to actually go ahead and learn from the work we've done. Ive got an A* on the theory, however it's the practical that will be far more challenging. Practise makes perfect.

I have finally understood this 'gift of BPd' stuff. I finally got into a caretaking situation that simply broke me. Ive since given up the struggle and taking on the problems of my partners. If it looks like pain and struggle, I don't get involved. Struggle is my watchword. Whenever I see struggle, I make another choice.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Smileypants,

I suspect most of us Nons have caretaking/codependent tendencies, because you have to have those qualities in order to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  It's almost a prerequisite!  I like to help people, which is what I do in my job.  Yet trying to help a pwBPD proved a thankless task and, on some fundamental level, my BPDxW did not want to be helped.  It's just the way they are built, in my view.  I suspect that I also enjoyed the role of a White Knight (who doesn't?), slaying dragons for my BPDxW.  Turns out that a lot of those dragons were really my Ex's responsibility, not mine, which took a long time to learn.  I have plenty of my own "stuff" to work on!  Now that we're divorced, my BPDxW is on her own when it comes to those dragons!

LuckyJim