Sex, sex, sex

[Graceinaction]

We used to have a great sex life. Now he uses sex as a control tactic, I think.

He won't even touch me non- sexually. I lost it this morning. I just want to be held if nothing else.

He says he won't have sex with me because I "Use it against him." He says that I have said before that I feel used for sex. There was a time when I complained about that, several years ago. He would have sex with me and then ignore me for several days. He wouldn't meet any if my other needs. I was definitely feeling used. But I haven't said that in several years. So why bring it up now?

I know the answer, it just hurts. I'm going through a very difficult time right now myself, and I'm going through it completely alone. He doesn't have the ability to be there for me. It is really hard. But instead of giving me what little he can, he's pulling away completely in every arena.

I'm just feeling very alone and now is a very bad time. I had to testify about a sexual crime last week and it was absolutely awful. Now he's doing this. He says he never wants to have sex with me again.

How do you move past the hurt of the things they say? How do you find others who understand it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

It's all manipulation, and the farther back the have to go the more desperate they are... .

It's really a two pronged approach... .you have to forgive and accept him for who he is, and begin to take care of yourself.

Even in non-BPD relationships you can't expect your spouse to meet 100% of your needs. 

Being aware of your needs and getting them met through a non-threatening way, usually a same-sex friend that will give you the hug you need is 1/3.  1/3 is not resenting your spouse for not meeting those needs.  The last third is accepting your spouse for who he is and, within reason, being there for him.

[ptilda]

I understand, and I'm so new here, I have no answers. But just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

[Butterfly12]

My husband is exactly the same.

The last time he touched me romantically was about 2 and a half years ago. And before that he definitely used it as a control tactic. I always just thought it was him who was just "not that interested," but now am understanding it's all part of this. Giving a hug or kiss was a big deal, and sex? Ha. It wasn't like that nine years ago. AT ALL.

Wow.

[MTSAY82]

I feel for you.  I have similar issues with my wife. Although I am typically told that I am the one who doesn't want sex despite the fact it's always my responsibility to initiate. And when I do, am turned down more often than not.  When we do have sex, it's my job to do all of the work... to make sure that she is satisfied, often at the expense of my own emotional satisfaction.  So many times, even if we have had sex I still leave feeling empty handed. 

This gave me a lot of insecurity early on in our relationship... I really thought that I must be sexually inadequate, or that something must be wrong with me.  I know now that isn't the case, and that she is really projecting her own insecurities on me (I think), but it doesn't make things any easier. 

I'm a new member on this site, and am looking for a lot of answers myself.  So I don't have any specific advice for you, but know that you're not alone. 

[hurtingbad]

I think I can understand what you're going thru, however my issue is exactly opposite.  My husband's favorite thing to do is have sex... .a lot. In fact, (and absolutely not to make light of the issues posted here), at times, I would prefer it be the other way around. Most of the arguments we get into will eventually turn to some form of him believing that I am not interested in him or do not find him attractive because... .  This is usually followed by his accusation that I didn't initiate it, or more often I didn't initiate it in the right way, or on the right day, or the right time, etc.  If he's been thinking about it all day (which he usually is) and I come home and don't "make a move", that is enough to make the next thing I say or do-especially if completed unrelated-make him lose it, which, like I said will eventually turn back to "I wouldn't even be upset about this if you would have just let me know you wanted me as much as I want you... ."  Which will be followed by him asking "what am I doing wrong that causes you to treat me this way?"  I'm sure most of us know that is an unanswerable question, but it seems to answer or not makes no difference in the continuation of the anger.  As a few others here, I am also new to the site and do not have many answers myself.  In fact, some of the things I've been reading have caused me to have more questions, but hopefully we can all figure this out together.  Good luck, friends!

[maxsterling]

Between my wife and I- this is always a touchy subject.  Sometimes I want to be touched, but not sexually.  And she often wants sex at times when I am really tired, or after I have listened to her criticize me or complain all day long.  All of the above are turnoffs.

I feel she also uses reproduction as a control.  She refuses to use any kind of birth control, and resents me for using a condom to the point she is claiming *I* am being controlling.  How do I feel?  Used.  I want to have a healthy and fun sex life.  I want to have sex for other reasons besides reproduction.  And it's not like she is basing this on some kind of moral or religious standard - she has had many sexual partners before me, and to this point (she is 39) no kids.  Not that I don't want a child - it's just given her instability and our instability of late, I feel this a very bad idea.  Yet she blames me that we don't have sex.

I think many pwBPD use sex as a control, not just over others, but over themselves.  I think many of them want meaningless sex to numb their pain and feel wanted.  I think my wife was this way when she was single, but now that she is in a committed relationship with me, I think she feels she can use it as a control, and I feel painted black sexually.

[MaroonLiquid]

Up until about a month ago, my wife and I had sex a lot.  Minimum 2-3 times a week and at most 4-5 times a week until our separation (married 5 years).  Since then, It's been an average of two to three times a month.  About a month ago, when my wife didn't get her way regarding me giving into her regarding money, she said, "Sex wouldn't happen again." and, "I'm not interested anymore."  I didn't give any credence to it as I know that is was about "punishing" me (the latest money issue for her) and just said, "Sorry to hear that."  We had sex once in the past month or so and it was weird.  Before that, it was always phenomenal.  I've noticed in the last month that her kids take turns sleeping in her bed at night which I find strange.  In the past, the kids never slept with her and when I would go over, we would go to her room together when the kids went to bed.  Went over twice a few weeks ago and we were spending time together and it was almost like them asking her to sleep with her was planned to see if it would get a rise out of me.  I didn't show ANY emotion or even that it remotely bothered me because it didn't.  I just think it's weird.   They are 12D, 16D and 17S... .Her kids are my replacement I guess?   How she doesn't think it's strange is beyond me!

[byfaith]

I have been with my wife for 4 years. the first 2 years was amazing as far as everything I wanted in the form of attention, not just sexual. Sexual intimacy was the best I had ever experienced. ( I was married 25 years previously) There was never any griping that she was too tired and any other reason or excuse that goes along with not wanting to have sex. She enjoyed me for me. There was a trigger 27 months ago. I still scratch my head over it.  It has been 27 months and there are no romantic overtones to our relationship, no affection that you can feel. There is no love making. It has messed with my emotions so bad Im not sure if I can continue this way. There are no dates, no walks, no long drives just to spend time together. Every time I ask there is a different excuse or reason. Its hard being married to someone that says they feel violated if I touch their breast... .the feeling of rejection is so difficult. Right now I am in the mode of trying to detach myself emotionally... .that's not healthy either.

what do you do?

[Ceruleanblue]

My husband has withheld sex a few times. Or he'll get so angry, that he can't hold me when he's said or done things that trigger my fears of him leaving. He used the divorce threats to scare me for three years. I'm so glad he's stopped that for the most part. At least it's better to some degree.

The sex thing is not an issue with us now, as he's stopped withholding, but now I find that I just have issues with wanting him due to how he's treated me over the years. I hide it from him, and really never turn him down for sex, but it's lost it's sexiness for me. Plus, he has always enjoyed hurting me during sex, which is pretty sick I feel. He gets off on knowing he's hurting me. That is so not sexy to me.

Will he go with you to marriage therapy? He is a Christian, right? Using that angle, he really is not fulfilling his husbandly duties. It's up to both partners to meet each other's sexual needs. Lack of sex is not doing so. He's basically stonewalling.

One of the things I've ever read about marital advice is from a man named John Gottman, and he did a scientific study on the difference between good marriages and bad marriages. He has several books, and some GREAT videos of him talking on Youtube. It's so enlightening, and I got a ton out of it. Of course all of what he says seems magnified when you are dealing with a personality disorder, but it's still a lot of good information. The trouble is, it helps if your husband wants to fix it too.

Hang in there, I know how tough it can be. So many of us here have been through similar things.

[SurfNTurf]

Oh ya they use sex, or lack of,as manipulation. The thing is they see no correlation b/w theirbehaviours being a turn off. If i want simple affection i turn to my dog. He complains less thanmy husband and is always happy to see me.