When does a child become painted black?

[takingandsending]

Hi.

I have a S4 and S9 and am married to uBPDw. My wife has had a pretty rocky relationship with S9 from birth. Since the birth of S4, whom (thankfully) she has a really loving relationship with, I notice that S9 gets a whole lot of negative comments from his mom. He always did, so maybe it is brought more into relief in that she treats S4 so differently. Or it might be stepping out of the FOG.

My question is that, this happens in all sorts of families to different degrees. What would be some objective mileposts when the degree of painting black deviates into a spectrum that would be damaging for a child?

Backstory: I am considering whether or not to remain in my marriage. I want to do what's best for the kids. I realize that every story, every person with BPD, every kid is different. But I am interested in what behaviors of a BPD parent toward their child can cause more difficult, persistent damage.

Not sure I worded this clearly. Look forward to hearing from the community.

[Nope]

Hi T&S,

I'm sure other members will be able to give you more complete answers, but I can give you my perspective. I don't think it's so much "how bad does it have to get" as it is the pervasive nature of the mistreatment. Children aren't destroyed by a couple of hurtful words every once in a blue moon. It's years of small actions that teach a child that they are incompetent or less-than. Especially in a situation where another child is treated differently. When there is a child painted white, the child painted black sees how they could be treated if only they could measure up. Children don't see that there is something wrong with their parent. The only possibility in a child's mind is that there is something wrong with them.

My DH and his uBPDex were divorced when SS10 was still in diapers. DH was gone a lot on military deployments and always lived out of state from the kids when he was home. SS10 and his painted white older sister were with their mom about 85% of the time. SS10 is a mess. He has an anxiety disorder, absolutely no coping mechanisms besides escaping into video games, and his mother didn't even teach him to tie his shoes.

For the longest time people thought that if she was such a bad mother both kids should be equally messed up. But obviously that wasn't the case. SD12 was always doing pretty well at school, was well liked and outgoing, and seemed generally OK. But that doesn't tell the whole story for the painted white child either. She was parentified and made responsible for her two younger siblings. She was not allowed to develop a personality different from her mother's. And any pulling away for the sake of growth would be seen as too threatening to her mom. When the kids moved in with us neither of them would ask for certain things they needed because they were both used to staying quiet to not inconvenience an easily angered parent. For example, SS10 would wear the same socks and underwear for days rather than saying he needed his laundry done.

I'm not saying that your wife does all of this same kind of stuff, as each individual situation is different, like you said. I want to commend you on coming here and asking that question. Contemplating divorce is never easy. It's always so amazing to me when I come here and see someone walk out of the FOG and take a look around. Even if ultimately you do decide to stay in your marriage you are here asking the right questions so that you can make a positive difference in your children's lives.

[takingandsending]

In marital RS, John Gottman discusses partner's bids for connection, saying you can predict the health or dysfunction of the relationship by failed bids. I think it's the same with children. The way they learn and grow is by continually making bids for their parents' love, attention and interest. Those failed bids all teach something, but they believe it is the composition of who they are.

My S9 experiences a lot of mixed results with his mom.

[takingandsending]

I don't think it's so much "how bad does it have to get" as it is the pervasive nature of the mistreatment. Children aren't destroyed by a couple of hurtful words every once in a blue moon. It's years of small actions that teach a child that they are incompetent or less-than.

I do agree, that the sum of all the small moments of negativity add up. I know that they have for me in my marriage with my wife, and I see how they do for my children. Beyond the negativity, my wife has an amazing amount of overlapping rules, requests and demands that the kids really dance around and often resent. She can't let them alone to just be doing what they are doing. My approach is to keep things simple: civil speech, no harm, work together, and it's okay when we can't do these three things but we have to do something (coloring, taking space for oneself, playing a game, punching a pillow) that brings us back to center v. escalating upset. In that framework, I let the kids be kids.

[livednlearned]

Hi talkingandsending,

A child who grows up in an invalidating environment is going to struggle with his sense of self.

People with BPD don't have a stable sense of self. They have maladaptive schemas -- these are like systems of thoughts and beliefs -- learned in childhood and a BPD parent is constantly cycling through them, almost like there's a whole troupe of actors playing out these themes whenever there is a cue (trigger), whether it's a perceived slight or a passing thought in their head or something real.

In intimate relationships with someone who has BPD, it feels like everything and everyone is overshadowed by these maladaptive schemas.

Kids are experienced as extensions of the BPD parent, who will projects onto them and externalize what she is feeling and responding to. This is deeply invalidating for a child who is trying to develop her own sense of self.

This is hard to confront, but there is another piece to this, and it's our own tolerance for abuse. If you tolerate abuse, your child will too. If you lack the skills to recover and repair from conflict in healthy ways, your children will lack those skills too. They are learning about relationships from you and your wife. What is ok, what is not, what to do with strong emotions, how to recover and repair from conflict, whether it's safe to be themselves.

If you are asking the question, my guess is you are on the tip of some major growth -- you are wondering if it's ok for people to be like this. You are wondering if you have the strength, despite tremendous fears, to change the script. Many of us here have had very high thresholds for abuse, and probably brought our own own childhood wounds to the relationship. For me, the script had been passed from generation to generation. I have never felt so scared in my life to do something no one in my family had ever done. 

I did not set out to get divorced when I began the painful process of rescuing S13, but there was no way for me to help him with N/BPD in the home. Taking these steps has been the best thing I've ever done in my life, not only because it helped S13, but because it helped me. To help S13, I had to ask "What does it mean to raise an emotionally resilient child?" To answer that, I had to know what that meant for me.

I think both choices are hard -- staying and leaving. These are not easy divorces and the kids will struggle.

The difference with leaving, especially if your goal is emotional health for you and the kids, is that you model standing up for yourself. It tells them that it's possible to take care of yourself, which means it's possible for them to do that too.

There's more -- a lot depends on how strong you feel. This is real. You can't leave when you don't feel strong. It was my son who gave me the strength to leave. Maybe that is why you ask asking your question -- when will S9 show you the signs that it's time to go, dad.



LnL