Regression in BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This morning, I dreamt of my BPDxbf. I was cradling his head next to my chest in the way I have done so often when he has needed to cry either to grieve or to release emotion. I find it so hard to accept that I am leaving not only the man who can be abusive and the adult who can be so loving, but the little boy who desperately needs love and consolation. I have seen my BPDxbf regress to a scared and vulnerable 2 year old so frequently that I feel such guilt at leaving him and tremendous loss. I love that 2 year old too.

Does anyone else relate to having a BPD partner who cries virtually every time s/he is with you and/or regresses to a vulnerable child-like state?

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

This morning, I dreamt of my BPDxbf. I was cradling his head next to my chest in the way I have done so often when he has needed to cry either to grieve or to release emotion. I find it so hard to accept that I am leaving not only the man who can be abusive and the adult who can be so loving, but the little boy who desperately needs love and consolation. I have seen my BPDxbf regress to a scared and vulnerable 2 year old so frequently that I feel such guilt at leaving him and tremendous loss. I love that 2 year old too.

Does anyone else relate to having a BPD partner who cries virtually every time s/he is with you and/or regresses to a vulnerable child-like state?

Lifewriter

[rotiroti]

Isn't it funny that we still have dreams of our ex? I've talked to people in AA and people trying to quit smoking. They often have dreams that they are having a drink or a smoke.


As for your question, absolutely. My BPDex really felt every emotion to the extreme. Her dad used to warn me about this actually. Told me that she will cry and scream in fights, but will come back to apologize later.

Sure enough, after big fights she would be crying and return for comfort.

The same happened with happy emotions as well, I think the first time we got together after years of friendship, she cried and wanted to be comforted.

[once removed]

compassion radiates from your post, lifewriter. im sorry youre going through this. the dreams are your psyches way of processing all of this. i still very occasionally have them.

i did see a vulnerable, childlike state more than once. i wasnt exactly a model for good behavior. several times i scolded her and told her to stop acting like a child. i have no children, but i imagine(d) it felt a lot like a father scolding a toddler at throwing a tantrum at the grocery store. another time, after a gigantic fight i only vaguely recall, i put my feelings aside, and attempted to comfort her in not an ideal way, saying i understood she was just a sick little girl. i still cringe over that.

it is very sad. i think you mentioned you are leaving? i can understand feeling like we are leaving a child. i think, at least on some level, you accept the man who can be abusive, loving, and the little boy who needs love and consolation. you possess a lot of strength, compassion, and level headedness. do you have a plan in place?

[still_in_shock]

My stbxh cried many times. On those occasions when the sadness was (what I thought) genuine, he did turn into a little child and it was impossible to not console him just like one. The situations when he did cry though varied from the times we were fighting to when I got sad medical test result and to the days he was dumping me.

The rollercoaster life was from the week 1 together, but it wasn't until month 6-8 of the marriage that I've told him for the first time I wasn't sure how long I could handle going on like this with him. That date, I told him that those friends of mine who knew how he was treating me wonder how can I stay with a person like him. When I said that all heated up, we were arguing, and I remember the shock and fear in his eyes when he heard me saying that. It probably was my biggest mistake to say it to him (I would NEVER leave him, I loved him dearly. I just was so exhausted and mad at him for smth and used it as a tactic for him to stop taking me for granted and depreciating), as I think after that he started his defense strategic planning of dumping me first. And I've said that about 2 months before my trip, so by the time I returned - he has checked out, and was ready to exit the relationship. And soon after, he's dumped me.

So then, when I told him that and he looked all scared like a child, he started crying telling me he was saving his virginity for this marriage and me (his wife), etc. I still don't know how genuine was the act, but his eyes were blinking full of tears, and I (mad at that point for smth nasty he said prior), came off my heat, sat down next to him, and hugged him apologizing for being upset with him, and consoling like a baby.

He did cry when I was crying when I've heard about some upsetting medical test results. And I loved him so dearly thinking he's so concerned about my health and life prospects.

But most confusing moments of his cry were when HE was dumping me. About two months leading to the BU, we were fighting and making up on and off. Then, about 4-5 times, randomly, he would be tearing for no particular reason at that very moment. I was asking many times confused for the reasons why he was sad, and I am still as confused not knowing the answers. A couple of times, we was crying when we were going to bed. Another time, I was showing him a picture of a nice log cabin, and he was starring at me tearing (we were at the state of peace in between major fights at that moment). And yet another time he had a MAJOR hysterical cry suggesting to give the r/s another try with a therapist. And a few days later I saw him emailing his female friend (and and exact copy of the text to his mom), that it was ME who was hysterically crying begging to give me another chance.

I am still uncertain whether any of those outcries were genuine or staged. If latter, then he is a superior actor as each outburst of cry was rather believable.

In 1.5 yrs of marriage, I'd say he cried at various intensity, perhaps, 12-16 times...

And, later into our marriage, he'd come and ask me to tuck him in bed like a mother does to a child... It was very weird to me at the beginning that a husband would come to me before bed time (he'd go to bed earlier than I am) and ask me to get up off my desk (I worked from home later at nights) and go to the bedroom to cover him up with the sheets, prop his pillow, wish sweet good night and cover with kind kisses. As a nonBPD woman given such a physical close interaction, I'd make a move for the thing, but he'd totally refuse the proper adult intimacy.

I'd probably would never get a closure to what was going on in the head of the person I've loved so dearly.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Once Removed,

i think you mentioned you are leaving? i can understand feeling like we are leaving a child. i think, at least on some level, you accept the man who can be abusive, loving, and the little boy who needs love and consolation. you possess a lot of strength, compassion, and level headedness. do you have a plan in place?

Thank you for your response.

My plan was to stay but to set boundaries with him around the frequency with which I would respond to his texts because I was experiencing anxiety symptoms. When I did this, it led to us breaking up instead. We are now on day 13 of the rest of my life.

It's a long story, but on reflection, I think we experienced an extinction burst when I set that boundary but I didn't recognise it for what it was. Instead, when he made the usual noises about it being over between us (which I know are just a form of manipulation), I just let him get on with ending it and kept agreeing with him that we were beyond help, too much had happened between us for us to be able to reconcile again, etc etc. We have been breaking up every two weeks since mid March. Every time we break up he insults me, blames me and calls me abusive names. The ones that hurt most are: 'callous, heartless b___'. I know I am none of those things.

I have to own up and admit that I still check my emails all the time, just in case he tries to get in touch. I want to hear from him but dread it at the same time. However, all is quiet... .

He said he loves the old me. He says this person he has been interacting with recently isn't the real me because the real me is compassionate and loving. He says he wants her back. It seems that he loves the me who cuddles him and expects nothing in return. Well, who wouldn't! He perceives that it is me that is angry all the time. He blames everything on my divorce (which has been amicable but caused me some feelings of loss) and outside circumstances. He seems to have no conception that he has played any role in this breakup, but he has. A long term relationship is two-way and doesn't include verbal and emotional abuse and threats of leaving. If he wants the love, he has to give it back. Unfortunately he can't, so I've had to resort to plan B, which is get through the rest of my life without him.

Thanks for your comments.

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

Hi there still_in_shock,

Thanks for your reply.

My PBDxbf thinks of himself as Peter Pan. To him, I am Tinkerbell. He hoped I would rescue him in the same way that Tinkerbell saved Peter Pan's life (by drinking the poison that was intended for him). He certainly wanted me to sacrifice myself and my life for him. Everything was about him.

It sounds like your chap wanted the perfect mother he never had. Perhaps they all do. Maybe they pull away from us eventually because we are parent figures to them - all children fight against the demands of their parents ('the terrible twos' and all children have to differentiate from their parents eventually as part of the growing up process. Perhaps we are just a phase in their growth and can never be more than that... .What do you think?

Love Lifewriter

[jhkbuzz]

If you have not yet done any reading about Schema Therapy, check out www.getselfhelp.co.uk/mobile/schema.htm for starters. It explains those child states, as well as some others.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi there still_in_shock,

Thanks for your reply.

My PBDxbf thinks of himself as Peter Pan. To him, I am Tinkerbell. He hoped I would rescue him in the same way that Tinkerbell saved Peter Pan's life (by drinking the poison that was intended for him). He certainly wanted me to sacrifice myself and my life for him. Everything was about him.

It sounds like your chap wanted the perfect mother he never had. Perhaps they all do. Maybe they pull away from us eventually because we are parent figures to them - all children fight against the demands of their parents ('the terrible twos' and all children have to differentiate from their parents eventually as part of the growing up process. Perhaps we are just a phase in their growth and can never be more than that... .What do you think?

Love Lifewriter

You've described it pretty clearly, Lifewriter. It's repetition compulsion and pwBPD repeat the cycle in every r/s.

[Loosestrife]

This morning, I dreamt of my BPDxbf. I was cradling his head next to my chest in the way I have done so often when he has needed to cry either to grieve or to release emotion. I find it so hard to accept that I am leaving not only the man who can be abusive and the adult who can be so loving, but the little boy who desperately needs love and consolation. I have seen my BPDxbf regress to a scared and vulnerable 2 year old so frequently that I feel such guilt at leaving him and tremendous loss. I love that 2 year old too.

Does anyone else relate to having a BPD partner who cries virtually every time s/he is with you and/or regresses to a vulnerable child-like state?

Lifewriter

I can relate to this. It sounds like you have care taking traits. The how to stop being a caretaker book is a good read.

[still_in_shock]

Thanks, yes. Oftentimes, I did think he was seeing me as his mother (I am 5 years older too) craving for the care, love and nurturing he's lacked as a kid. He is from a multi children family with, according to him, a childhood trauma of his mom being pregnant every other year. He said all he remember about his childhood was a pregnant mom, house full of screaming kids and a father with a PD. According to him, he used to hide in his room for a bit of a quiet time and hated the economic shortages they experienced as it was only his dad working his a** off while he mom was popping out the kids. My stbxh was #2 of 7 kids. Mom never had a hired help, so it was elder kids helping out raising the younger ones.

And I did care for him consoling him when he was sad, motivating him to apply for school and advance his degree, and... .tucking him in bed at nights (by his persistent request for it) as I've shared above. So while at times he did crave that motherly attention and playfully called me his "mommy" (I hated it, btw), other times when I would be checking on what he ate when I wasn't around (I was the one cooking and serving food most of the times) or if he felt all right when he complained about some ailment, he would snap at me so annoyed ordering to "stop mothering him" and telling me how it bothers him when I am controlling him or lecturing him and that he doesn't need a mom in the relationship...

And please note, my nature of advising in a good time was very well accepted (e.g. advice on applying for school, which degree to pick, where to seek for job, etc) and was called "controlling" (and by the time we were breaking up put in the context of "abusive" and then badmouthed to his friends and family as a "witch", "whore from a hell" "the worst wife ever" in his bad times. And there are tons examples like this, when my same feature was put in different light and either hated or admired depending on how he felt that day. A good case I remember is that "my mommy"    vs. "stop mothering me!"     example

So go figure how to make him happy.

Hi there still_in_shock,

Thanks for your reply.

My PBDxbf thinks of himself as Peter Pan. To him, I am Tinkerbell. He hoped I would rescue him in the same way that Tinkerbell saved Peter Pan's life (by drinking the poison that was intended for him). He certainly wanted me to sacrifice myself and my life for him. Everything was about him.

It sounds like your chap wanted the perfect mother he never had. Perhaps they all do. Maybe they pull away from us eventually because we are parent figures to them - all children fight against the demands of their parents ('the terrible twos' and all children have to differentiate from their parents eventually as part of the growing up process. Perhaps we are just a phase in their growth and can never be more than that... .What do you think?

Love Lifewriter

[once removed]

hey lifewriter,

thats really tough. boundaries are extremely useful tools in any relationship, but a "boundary buster" can have a pretty hard time with them. in my relationship id say i kept about 75% of mine. the ones that i didnt, i attempted later on to improve and reinforce, and i dont think my relationship or my ex ever recovered from it. that doesnt mean either of us were wrong for doing so, and i hope you know that. in high conflict relationships, boundaries can often force distance, and ive learned that even with nonBPD friends. you are probably exactly right that it caused an extinction burst.

it does sound like the events in your life, and your self improvement, are something this person has a difficult time coping with, or accepting any responsibility. that is not your fault. you sound self assured and like you have tried, and given as much as you can.

hang in there and keep posting