NPD SIL butting in again

[Cat21]

I've posted a few times about my husband's sister, who I think is perhaps NPD, perhaps BPD... .not sure. She's got a PD of some kind! Anyway, the dynamic between by H and his sister (and parents, for that matter) is that everyone caters to her, fears her, appeases her, and generally does what she tells them to do. It's been that way for years and even though my H has become more aware of it over the last few years, it hasn't changed. This is very difficult for me, as I often feel like I come second. When I talk about this with my H, he gets very upset and offended that insists that he does not put me second.

I am pregnant and due in a few weeks. My H's parents (who live far away) will be coming to stay with us for 3 weeks after the baby is born to help. I get along very well with my MIL and FIL, so I'm happy to have them here and do believe they will be a big help. Just an hour or so ago, my husband called to tell me that he spoke with his sister, and she informed him that due to her busy schedule, the only time she can come to visit and help out is at the same time their parents will be here. Now, one rule that we have had in place (and HAVE in place) is that we only want one staying visitor at a time (in his parents' case, obviously there are 2 of them). This is our first child, and we know how overwhelming and difficult it may be; I've talked to all of my friends and family members and every single one of them has told me the same thing: don't have too many visitors at once- it will do harm than good. So, this is what my H and I decided. Now, after talking to her, it seems this is no longer important and since this is the "only time" she can come for the next 3 months, we have to alter our decision. I am upset and bothered by this for the following reasons:

1. This isn't what we agreed on. In fact, it's the opposite.

2. As usual, she didn't approach both of us with this request; only her brother. She repeatedly leaves me out of conversations and plans that involve me, and only talks to my H about it, knowing that she can control him, but not me. I am the one giving birth that this is is OUR (my H and mine) child. Any decisions about travel and visiting should be brought up to us both: not exclusively my H. This makes me feel cut out and unimportant, and I have always felt that way.

3. My husband is very angry with me for not wanting to "bend" our rule, insisting that his family is immune to our decision, since they are family. I don't see it that way: a visitor is a visitor. I'm including my own family in this category.

4. It would be infinitely more helpful for her to visit several months from now, when she could babysit so that I can some work done, or my H and I can go out to dinner, or whatever.

5. His family tends to fight when they are altogether- they can be loud and "passionate", and it's often uncomfortable for me. Obviously any undue stress or anxiety will make things worse.

I don't know if I'm just venting here, or anyone has any advice for me. I am 37 weeks pregnant, uncomfortable, tired, hot, and anxious- yet ANOTHER argument about my SIL is not what I wanted to do today. I want so badly for my husband to see how manipulative she is and how this is about what's best for her, and not us, but he is blind to it.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Cat21,

Sorry to hear about the stressful situation.

I have had 4 newborns and also have some experience dealing with family members who don't like boundaries. You will have to work out a plan with your husband about how to go forward from here, and in doing so it's important to keep in mind that it is unimaginably stressful and exhausting having a new baby, especially for the first time. It is a time to make choices that relieve those stresses as much as possible rather than adding to them.

The decision I came to about my family was that sometimes they would just have to wait until I felt up to inviting them. At first that meant maybe they don't get to be the first people to meet the baby. Maybe they would have to wait 3 weeks. Eventually it also came to mean that maybe they'd only be invited over for a 2-hour window rather than 2-3 days they would prefer to start with. It meant they would have to find ways to cope with their own feelings of jealousy and disappointment about that because I was too busy taking care of myself and my children to let them manipulate me into doing that job for them.

In your case, you may or may not be able to convince your husband to see things the way you do, but if these needs are important to you I hope he will be able to hear you and support you and that the two of you can be united in the solution you come up with. If 2 visitors makes you feel maxed out, it's OK to ask his sister to wait until a later time. You need to feel as comfortable as you can in the weeks ahead.

Good luck to you, and let us know how things go!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Cat21]

Thank you, P.F. It makes me feel better just to know that I'm not being unreasonable and have every right to feel the way I do about this.

My husband came home from work and has essentially been giving me the silent treatment ever since. I need to take care of myself physically and mentally, so I'm trying to go about my business and not let it get to me. If he wants to pout and act like a child about this, he can do that alone.

This power struggle between his sister and me has been going on for years and I know it isn't easy for him. He grew up in a family where he was "programmed" to do what she said and always trust that she is right. I know that he has to see how that has impacted his life in order for it to change; I'm just tired of waiting for that to happen. I thought that having our own child would shift his priorities, and maybe it will once she's born. It's very frustrating for me and at a time when I need his support, but I'm also not going to fall victim to her manipulation, and he knows that.

[Panda39]

Hi Cat,

I totally understand why you want to limit the number of visitors post delivery.  You should be recovering from delivery and bonding with your new baby not "entertaining" company.  Would your MIL & FIL be willing to move their visit?  They might be flexible.  Do you feel comfortable talking with your MIL about it?

If not you need to decide if this is a battle you want to fight with your SIL and by extension your Husband or if you let it go. Neither choice probably feels good.  These folks are always so good at putting us between the rock and the hard place.

Congratulations on your new baby!   No matter who shows up I know from experience the baby will be your focus. 

[Cat21]

Would your MIL & FIL be willing to move their visit?  They might be flexible.  Do you feel comfortable talking with your MIL about it?

Thank you, Panda. Unfortunately, my MIL and FIL live on the other side of the country, with plane tickets purchased a few months ago, so things are pretty much set. I have no intentions of entertaining anyone, but I know how things go with my H's family- his sister never lifts a finger to help with anything and finds a way to keep the spotlight on her at all times. I suppose if she does end up coming during the proposed period, I'll try to maintain as much privacy as possible. It's just so sad to know that my husband feels torn, and I know that if they are all here at once, his "allegiance" will be to her.

We had (another) pretty terrible argument last night. My husband absolutely refuses to admit or adhere to what we agreed upon, and keeps maintaining that his family is immune to any "rules". He won't listen and isn't able to see any other viewpoint but his own. A big part of the issue is that he views me (and our child) on the same level as his sister and parents. He sees no difference when it comes to family. I disagree. I put my partner first, and now my child. The years of manipulation and enmeshment in his family won't allow him to do the same.

Thank you for your words. I know the baby will be the focus, too! I'm hoping her arrival opens a new door for all of us.

[Cat21]

I just wanted to give an update on this situation:

2 nights ago, on his way home from work, my husband broke his silent treatment by calling me and informing me that he would not interfere with his sister's desire to come and visit us when it suits her. Essentially, he told me that he expects me to support him fully on this decision (despite how I feel and despite our agreement) because it's his family, and his family won't adhere to any "rules". I, of course, disagreed and reminded him again of the agreement we made AND of the fact that his wife and child need to come first all of the time- not his sister or his parents. This distinction of who is the priority is hard for him, and I get that because of the years of being made to believe this his sister rules the earth, but I've come to the end of my tolerance for it. He argued with me and started yelling at me, so I hung up the phone. (One of my boundaries is that I don't tolerate yelling or insults). He called me back about 10 minutes later and apologized for yelling and said that he had an "epiphany". I was confused. He said that in those minutes between phone calls, he realized that all of the undue stress over this situation is directly affecting our child (no, really? I only said that 100 times), and that he was somehow "snapped" back into reality with this thought. He apologized for his behavior overall, and said that he was mad at his sister and at himself for being so easily manipulated. He contended that he would speak to her and ask her to visit at another time, since that's what's best for everyone.

Now, obviously this is good news in terms of what I hoped could happen, but it is VERY confusing. I am skeptical, as this is not the first time I've heard this. He has vowed to be more thoughtful in dealings with his sister many times before, yet when another situation arises, he totally abandons that because it's too afraid to confront her. So, I've decided that from now on, when it comes to anything that involves me (visits to my home, anything about our daughter), I'll go directly to his sister if there are any issues. I think communicating through my husband is a disaster, since he clearly has trouble setting boundaries and is so wishy-washy. Thoughts?

[P.F.Change]

Thanks for filling us in, Cat21.

I guess there is something positive to come out of this disagreement. I'm sorry to hear it has been so uncomfortable, though. I'm glad your husband is able to think about how it is affecting your child. It would be even better if he were able to think about how it is affecting you, too.

Communicating with his sister directly about things that affect you is one way to go. It certainly has some advantages. It also has the potential to be used against you, especially if there are no witnesses... .people with BPD are notorious for remembering events according to how they feel rather than how they actually happened. Ithe could also potentially increase conflict with your husband if he were to feel  you made a decision behind his back.

My DH and I agreed from the beginning of our marriage that we are on each other's team first and foremost. I can tell that is what you are wanting in your marriage, too, and it hurts that your husband isn't on the same page. It's actually a very common marital conflict, even without PDs in the picture. Have you two ever considered talking with a counselor together? Is that something he would be willing to do?

[Cat21]

I have asked him about seeing a therapist or counsellor together: he won't agree to it. I've been seeing a therapist myself for the last year and I think many of the positive changes in our relationship are due to me taking are of myself. I haven't given up on the idea of seeing someone together; I suppose it's more of a time issue at this point. I know that is afraid of therapy: he fears his weaknesses being exposed.

While his sister has been an issue for years, the last 6 months or so have been progressively getting worse. As I mentioned before, I have seen some very gradual positive changes in my husband and his dealings with her, but not as quickly as I'd like. Its become apparent that I have to be the one who sets boundaries with his sister for my sake and my child's. I have, in fact, asked her several times to include me in any travel plans she wants to make or to just ask me directly, since my husband doesn't always keep a good calendar. She has ignored this request.

I do know that my husband puts me first- it's just hard to trust that and feel that when his "instinct" is to obey his sister. A lifetime of bad dynamics won't go away quickly- I know that. I hope that the birth of our child propels him forward and allows him to reevaluate what's truly most important.